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Posts Tagged ‘stress’

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Posted in Daily struggles, Fitness, Life, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2013| Leave a Comment »

I don’t know if that’s the right title for this, but I felt like I should share a little bit of my history with you. Reading my blog, I probably sound like some tree hugging, yoga loving, nutritional nut job….well I am. HAH! But, it hasn’t always been the case. It took a long time for me to get to the emotional place I am at now, and I had a lot of help along the way. My wife was my number one fan and contributor to getting me on a healthy track. She saved me in so many ways, I’m not sure she even realizes it. I’ll try to put this all in a nutshell so you don’t have a 3 page load of nonsense.

In high school/middle school years, I struggled with my body image.( You know those awkward teenage years where things aren’t really growing in to each other, and other things are….well just plain awkward.) Living in a home that placed high value on size “skinny”, I started skipping a few meals here and there. We all know where that leads. Having kids only worsened my self-esteem. I HATED my body and I didn’t have the courage, willpower, drive, or whatever word you want to use, to do something about it.

In 2007, I joined the military. You want to talk about working on fitness….holy cow!!! Oh, and they make you eat in training. Slowly I was feeling better about myself, but not nearly where I should’ve been. (Looking back at pictures, I go holy hell look at that booottyyy!!) Once I got to the part where I could workout and eat whenever I wanted….I stopped…doing both for the most part. I kept running for a while, but it does no good when you’re suffering nutritionally.

Then I met my beautiful, loving, crazy wife. She made me happy….I still struggled with my image and eating, though. By the end of the first year she started realizing I was only eating with her. (oops) I had gotten down to 115-118lbs at 5’3″, with absolutely no muscle strength. I was “skinny fat”. Actually, I looked pretty disgusting. Let me tell you how bad I felt all the time too!!! I was tired, grouchy, lethargic, bored, moody, depressed….I had a hard time focusing at work and balancing my family life. D was a persistent woman though, she was always encouraging me and telling me I was beautiful. We had so many talks about self-esteem, food, and the list goes on. I cannot tell you at what point I decided to believe her, but I did and ohhh boy did I start eating.

I still wasn’t eating healthy, I was just eating….whatever I wanted….everything I wanted!! Because I knew no matter what D would always be there, and I started believing that the only opinion that truly mattered was my own. Both of those things are so very true….but, I started putting on weight…like the bad kind. I got up to almost 140lb, which is by no means heavy or fat! But, when you’re not working out or eating the right kind of foods, the weight is just pure fat. I started to get that feeling again….panic….clothes weren’t fitting, I jiggled, I didn’t have much more energy than before…..then I told myself to shut up. Remember those two things I realized? Yeah, they still applied!!! So I decided to work on my eating habits and my fitness habits….and here we are today. I’m 134.4lbs (give or take), some of my jiggle is more of a bounce now hahaha, and I feel great!!! Every day I get stronger and stronger…..I’m rarely tired or lethargic…..I no longer try to be “skinny” (or twiggy, whatever you wanna call it)….I try to be fit, strong, healthy, a good mama, and a good wife. My family keeps me going, and I should keep going for them! Besides….what would they do with out me ;).

Every person has their own struggles, so don’t get discouraged!!! The only person who can make positive changes in your life is YOU, and you have to want it for the right reasons. 🙂

 

Until next time

-T

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Posted in Daily struggles, Life, tagged , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2011| 1 Comment »

Sometimes we are given a chance to apologize, whether we are right or we are wrong. Whether there is probable cause, or lack of. It’s not that we are minimizing our feelings or burying our hurt. It’s that sometimes, even though it feels like it’s worth it, it’s not worth the fight. In moments like these, my pride starts threatening control. Building inside of me as I lash out my frustrations. I try my hardest to choke down the venom it spews through me. Sometimes it’s suffocating, other times I’m able to swallow it as easy as drinking water. Then there’s the times where my pride takes a seat on the back burner, offering my heart a chance to take a few swings. How fragile our hearts are, and yet, they can be a most formidable opponent. Fighting with emotion rather than strength.

 

It’s how we move on from this that really counts. Can you hold your head high without any regrets to move forward? For me, there are a few regrets I can think to when I need to remember them. As for recent, I have none. I can honestly stand here and say I do not apologize for my feelings, because they are not inadequate. The apology for my actions is warranted, I give that freely. Hot tempers are hard to settle. This is something I am learning to control, and while I still have quite a way to come, it’s coming. The only chance I have to succeed is looking to where I have erred and improve on my reactions. Which I intend to do every moment of every day. On my own, with help, in a pair….however it may come to pass.

 

Beauty can be found in all things, even in the painful moments. I loved, I love, I will always love. It doesn’t die like they say, not if you really love, it just changes. For it to be lost, you have to hide it or have it ripped from you. Even then, it doesn’t dull, it just becomes bearable. That crushing feeling of loss, seems as much an appendage as arms or legs. Strange to have hanging about, but lost and uncomfortable in its absence.

 

I will always love. I will go on. I will learn.

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Just a Dream

Posted in Daily struggles, Love, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I’ve been MIA lately….sorry to my stalkers. 🙂

I’m at a weird place in my life right now, a sort of crossroads. I try and try to get over my relationship with D and then I see her…it all comes flooding back to me. Japan’s Tsunami has nothing on this monsoon of emotions. There’s been hope, fighting, lack of hope, more hope, distancing, friendship, and the list goes on. Hashing out all of the issues would be a pointless drag of time. It’s been made clear to me that I’m never going to have what I want, that I’m not a good enough person. On one hand I’m angry and I want to point out all of the things that went wrong for me….you know the one’s that weren’t my fault. However, at the same time I can not justify anything I’ve done out of spite or fear. This may seem like a confusing mess of nonsense…but the point is it makes perfect sense in my head. Deep down I know where I’m right and where I’m wrong….but, that doesn’t give me a sense of peace or even understanding. Sometimes I think if I was willing to put up through everything that was disagreeable then why the heck can’t she??? I’m constantly going back and forth in my head, I beat myself up then I drag out that lock and chain to barricade my heart from feeling anything.

I am supposed to make a decision now…to move on. But, I know I can’t especially with her so involved in my life. I live for the moments that give me hope and I see that look in her eyes again. So if I can’t move on while she’s here and I can’t make the decision to let her go completely where does that leave me? Will it get easier after time with us being friends? Can I bear to see her move on so quickly with other people? Will I ever be able to look at other people? I don’t know, I have no answers for these questions flooding my mind. I know that I’m hurting and there’s no one to help me pick up the pieces. The person I want to talk to about it is her, and I’m sick of fighting.

I seen her yesterday. It was emotional. I cried myself into restless fits of sleep and dreams of agony.

I have empowering moments too….I think about how happy she deserves to be, so I should be ok because that was the only purpose I had in life for the longest time. We are really good friends so a friendship should be good enough. I think about how I deserve to be happy….Right? RIGHT?

It’s a rough road, a rough decision. I’m waiting for the day when it becomes easy to exist. Yeah, I know I won’t hold my breath or anything. It’s nice to dream though. That’s all the good things are is a beautiful dream.

So, I will continue to try to fill my life with meaning, be happy with myself, and try to be content with the way things have been laid out for me. I will continue to love her through it all.

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Dear Insomnia

Posted in Daily struggles, Life, tagged , , , , , on April 13, 2011| 2 Comments »

Tonight I am very sleepy. I would appreciate it if you leave me alone and allow me to sleep through the night. If you don’t mind I would like you to also keep your buddy, Nightmare, from sneaking into my dreams again. It’s creepy and I don’t like it at all. It’s rude how he comes uninvited every night, if I need him I will let him know. If it’s necassary I will give you a list of people who deserve Nightmare’s unwanted visit. It should keep him pretty busy.

I hope you take this into great consideration for the future, as well.

Thank you so much in advance.

T.

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Breaking..up, down, around…

Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, Love, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Today after work I went to take a nap…I failed. I laid in bed and tried to close my eyes, my brain was like a run on sentence. When I opened my eyes all I seen was the huge matted collage of our family pictures. From when we were a family…or so I thought. I’ve made a hard decision, probably the hardest I’ve ever had to make. D and I broke up last night. We always said that we would stay friends if we ever broke up.

I can’t do it. I can’t watch her life go on without me, it hurts too much, I can’t ignore the anger I feel from things she said. It isn’t easy for me to push her away completely however, I know that’s the only way I can move on and get over this hump. I’m trying to separate her from me. I went on a rampage today and took down all the pictures….except I can’t bring myself to throw them away.

If we aren’t meant to be together then why does it hurt so bad? I’m trying to listen to my brain instead of my heart this time….there’s been about a million and one times I wanted to grab the phone to text her about something or call her. We had a ritual, when we were on smoke breaks or leaving home from work, we called each other every single time. Do you know I got out of work and I couldn’t wait to call her? Except, I can’t anymore. My heart is so broken. It’s like there’s a piece of me, right down there in the center of my chest, that has been ripped out. I feel so empty. I don’t even want to sleep because that’s when it’s the worst. I’ve tried turning on music, the tv, writing, drawing, reading….I can’t focus on anything! My brain just runs and runs…..I wish half the batteries I bought were this persistent.

We had so many good times, bad time, goofy times, cute times…and so much. How do I function without her? I’ve written probably 30 notes to her, tossed them in the garbage, then started over. I have the worst mood swings, one minute I’m crying, the next I’m angry and starting to throw things out, then I’m perfectly calm about the situation…then I got back to the crying bit. The ocean has nothing on my tears.

I’ve gone as far as googling ways to get over your girlfriend…tried hanging out with friends, played with the kids, cleaned up the house, and watched some brainless television. EVERYTHING reminds me of her….every last effing thing. I’m just at a crossroads. I want her in my life, I want to love her, I want her to love me, I want a family. But, it’s not in the cards for us. We are way to different…..see this is my brain trying to talk my heart out of feeling what I feel.

I’ve heard everyone say that it’ll get easier, or it’s for the best, or it’s about time….well, thanks guys, thanks for supporting my breaking heart. See here I go getting to the angry part. Perhaps it’s time for me to try to shut off…….I’ll be back if that doesn’t happen.

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Why we Write

Posted in Daily struggles, Love, Work, tagged , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2011| 6 Comments »

I have many reasons for why I write. Even though, I never really thought about them until recently during a discussion I had with a friend. Keeping things bottled up in my head makes my life stressful. I need outlets for my thoughts even if they are random ones. Sometimes I just need to vent, other times I feel quite political and I want to share with someone. Even more so, I usually cannot articulate my feelings when I’m speaking. Writing gives me time to gather the thought coherently….and then edit appropriately. At times when I’m upset, my talking and writing becomes country and full of slang. So to be able to get it all out into a journal or a blog allows me to hold  on to it then edit it so I don’t sound so….childish or uneducated. I take pride in being able to write good. I may not be great, but I’m not bad.

What reason do you write? When I was younger, about 12, I saw a therapist. (Go figure, right?) He got me hooked on journaling. He said it was good to get everything out to clear my mind so that I could focus on situations and ways to make them better. From that day forward I kept a journal of my deepest darkest thoughts, you know, the ones you don’t want to say because it makes it to real. Like speaking the thought breathes life into it, transforms it into a live being. As I got older my venues changed. I started using my computer to log my entries then eventually moved onto the smart phone. Which I must say is the most convenient invention I’ve seen so far. Now, I am your regular blogging fanatic. During the day I use my phone to blog or journal, at night I’m glued to the laptop.

I’ve even tossed around the idea of writing a book. Writing has become a large part of me. So much so, that when I’m not writing….I’m thinking about what I’m going to write later. At times where I don’t have the time to write, I don’t feel complete. For goodness sake, I’ve scheduled in writing when I first started my job at the bank! I would wake up at 5am, just to give myself coffee and thought time. Yes, I realize I am a little crazy. However, I LOVE it!! My biggest fear about diving into a novel is: What if I’m not good enough? What story will I tell? I can come up with all kinds of ideas, but, once it comes down to putting it out there I freeze. Maybe the real reason is I’m afraid of bearing my soul to the world. Letting someone into that sacred spot of my heart. Really, that’s what writing is. Even in fiction you find some truth buried under it.

I probably should be going to bed..or working on homework….or something, but my brain does not want to shut off!

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Here we go again

Posted in Daily struggles, Work, tagged , , , , on March 10, 2011| Leave a Comment »

When I wrote that title I was singing….u know the song….like twister I was boooorn to walk alooone. It about sums up the way I feel this morning.

I had a restless night of sleep. Being at that spot right between sleep and awake all night is not a good rest. As I’m pouring my coffee my hands are shaking……my body says “Woman, go back to bed!” Too bad all of my sick time at work has been used to stay home with my sick kids. The glamorous life of a single parent, we sacrifice more than most know of. The kids are dressed and ready for school while I hide in the bathroom dreading the loooong day I’m going to have. That sounds so cliche. My mother used to tell me a womans best friend is a bathroom with a lock on the door….who knew! I believe her now.

I just had a case of the deja vu! Deja vu always creeps me out…..what does it mean? With all of the hypothesis on it, I don’t have the energy to reflect on it. Nor do I have the time.

I’m thinking I’ll nap at my lunch time ❤

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Friends

Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2010| 2 Comments »

It’s hard to find a good solid group of friends. People who will stick around forever and be there no matter what. As a closeted lesbian I had a lot of friends who I thought would always be there, and they were…..until I became an uncloseted lesbian. Now that I’m growing into who I want to be and I’m open with myself not to many people have stayed through the fire with me. D and I were discussing how we wanted more friends….to be specific more lesbian and gay friends. I am ready to go out and meet new people and get this on the ball. D, however, has had a little bit of an unsatisfactory track record with finding gay buddies. The last time she tried to reach out to someone they ended up pursuing her current girlfriend. I understand her fear completely but, what harm comes from trying? We could go to gay and lesbian parenting events or couples get togethers. Where I am employed offers a GLBT group that holds events and does fundraising. There is a whole world out there of normal non-homewrecking people, we could make this happen. Also, I need this. I need some outside source who understands “the gay” and can empathize wth any current situations I have. Mama needs a night out!

Who has some advice on finding a good solid group that we can call framily? 

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