We are missing one child in this shoot, because…..she’s grounded for life. She was doing large amounts of missed homework during this time. But, D takes amazing photos and I had to share some of the babies with you!!
–T
Posts Tagged ‘friends’
My Little Demons :D
Posted in Family, Love, tagged art, diva, family, feeling, friends, friendship, fun, funny, happiness, kids, life, love, Photography on February 13, 2013| 6 Comments »
Date Day!
Posted in Love, tagged building relationships, challenges, cooking, date days, dates, dinner, family, feeling, friends, friendship, fun, happiness, lesbian, life, love, movies, reaching out, romance, shopping, snuggle on February 10, 2013| Leave a Comment »
One of the most important things in a relationship is dating! Life can get so busy to the point where romance is neglegted. Trust me I know!! D and I have four kids, she works full time, I go to school full time on top of looking for a job, and I’m working out every single day. (uh…except rest days of course :D) Add in taking care of the house, cooking, and homwork….it’s like the day flies by in an instant. We’ve started having date days as a way to stay connected to eachother and give us a break from life! Oh, you may have noticed I said date “days” instead of date “nights”. Well, that’s because we use a whole free day to spend with eachother!! Yesterday we woke up and got ready to head out….without a real plan. HAHA! We ended up stopping at a couple of stores and shopping for the house. I know you “guys” probably wouldn’t find this entertaining, but we had a blast!! I did cheat a bit and had a skinny vanilla latte……..soooooo delish…….but, we wanted to have a free fun day. D found herself a new pair of work shoes that are to die for. Her other ones had holes straight through the soles! Lol. The best part of the whole day is we finally found a new dishware set that we both completely love. It’s just clear glass, no patterns or anything, and it was on sale. JACKPOT!!! The original plan was to head to dinner….but D cooked for me instead, which turned out way better than any resturaunt. She grilled filet mignon, roasted redskin potatos, and steamed some green beans. She was so cute all day, it was good to laugh with her and just hang out without the concerns of day to day life. Whoever said laughter is the best medicine was on to something BIG! 🙂 It was absolutely my favorite day of the year. We even continues through the night by snugging up to a movie….she’s my favorite person in the whole world. 🙂
I strongly suggest setting date DAYS to stay connected with your significant other. It doesn’t have to be a huge deal, but make it something fun and light.
Look at that nummy-ness!!! I had more green beans….but I ate them before I remembered to take a picture!
What are you doing to keep your realationships strong???
–T.
*Disclaimer*
Posted in Daily struggles, Fitness, Life, Uncategorized, tagged building relationships, challenges, determination, family, feeling, fitness, friends, goals, happiness, hate, health, healthy, help, inspiration, inspire, journey, life, love, nutrition, positive, stress, tree hugger, workout, yoga on February 6, 2013| Leave a Comment »
I don’t know if that’s the right title for this, but I felt like I should share a little bit of my history with you. Reading my blog, I probably sound like some tree hugging, yoga loving, nutritional nut job….well I am. HAH! But, it hasn’t always been the case. It took a long time for me to get to the emotional place I am at now, and I had a lot of help along the way. My wife was my number one fan and contributor to getting me on a healthy track. She saved me in so many ways, I’m not sure she even realizes it. I’ll try to put this all in a nutshell so you don’t have a 3 page load of nonsense.
In high school/middle school years, I struggled with my body image.( You know those awkward teenage years where things aren’t really growing in to each other, and other things are….well just plain awkward.) Living in a home that placed high value on size “skinny”, I started skipping a few meals here and there. We all know where that leads. Having kids only worsened my self-esteem. I HATED my body and I didn’t have the courage, willpower, drive, or whatever word you want to use, to do something about it.
In 2007, I joined the military. You want to talk about working on fitness….holy cow!!! Oh, and they make you eat in training. Slowly I was feeling better about myself, but not nearly where I should’ve been. (Looking back at pictures, I go holy hell look at that booottyyy!!) Once I got to the part where I could workout and eat whenever I wanted….I stopped…doing both for the most part. I kept running for a while, but it does no good when you’re suffering nutritionally.
Then I met my beautiful, loving, crazy wife. She made me happy….I still struggled with my image and eating, though. By the end of the first year she started realizing I was only eating with her. (oops) I had gotten down to 115-118lbs at 5’3″, with absolutely no muscle strength. I was “skinny fat”. Actually, I looked pretty disgusting. Let me tell you how bad I felt all the time too!!! I was tired, grouchy, lethargic, bored, moody, depressed….I had a hard time focusing at work and balancing my family life. D was a persistent woman though, she was always encouraging me and telling me I was beautiful. We had so many talks about self-esteem, food, and the list goes on. I cannot tell you at what point I decided to believe her, but I did and ohhh boy did I start eating.
I still wasn’t eating healthy, I was just eating….whatever I wanted….everything I wanted!! Because I knew no matter what D would always be there, and I started believing that the only opinion that truly mattered was my own. Both of those things are so very true….but, I started putting on weight…like the bad kind. I got up to almost 140lb, which is by no means heavy or fat! But, when you’re not working out or eating the right kind of foods, the weight is just pure fat. I started to get that feeling again….panic….clothes weren’t fitting, I jiggled, I didn’t have much more energy than before…..then I told myself to shut up. Remember those two things I realized? Yeah, they still applied!!! So I decided to work on my eating habits and my fitness habits….and here we are today. I’m 134.4lbs (give or take), some of my jiggle is more of a bounce now hahaha, and I feel great!!! Every day I get stronger and stronger…..I’m rarely tired or lethargic…..I no longer try to be “skinny” (or twiggy, whatever you wanna call it)….I try to be fit, strong, healthy, a good mama, and a good wife. My family keeps me going, and I should keep going for them! Besides….what would they do with out me ;).
Every person has their own struggles, so don’t get discouraged!!! The only person who can make positive changes in your life is YOU, and you have to want it for the right reasons. 🙂
Until next time
-T
Just a Dream
Posted in Daily struggles, Love, tagged building relationships, challenges, dyke, family, feeling, fights, friends, friendship, hate, help, inddiference, insomnia, lesbian, life, loss, love, opinion, sleep, stress, tired, work, wrong on April 30, 2011| Leave a Comment »
I’ve been MIA lately….sorry to my stalkers. 🙂
I’m at a weird place in my life right now, a sort of crossroads. I try and try to get over my relationship with D and then I see her…it all comes flooding back to me. Japan’s Tsunami has nothing on this monsoon of emotions. There’s been hope, fighting, lack of hope, more hope, distancing, friendship, and the list goes on. Hashing out all of the issues would be a pointless drag of time. It’s been made clear to me that I’m never going to have what I want, that I’m not a good enough person. On one hand I’m angry and I want to point out all of the things that went wrong for me….you know the one’s that weren’t my fault. However, at the same time I can not justify anything I’ve done out of spite or fear. This may seem like a confusing mess of nonsense…but the point is it makes perfect sense in my head. Deep down I know where I’m right and where I’m wrong….but, that doesn’t give me a sense of peace or even understanding. Sometimes I think if I was willing to put up through everything that was disagreeable then why the heck can’t she??? I’m constantly going back and forth in my head, I beat myself up then I drag out that lock and chain to barricade my heart from feeling anything.
I am supposed to make a decision now…to move on. But, I know I can’t especially with her so involved in my life. I live for the moments that give me hope and I see that look in her eyes again. So if I can’t move on while she’s here and I can’t make the decision to let her go completely where does that leave me? Will it get easier after time with us being friends? Can I bear to see her move on so quickly with other people? Will I ever be able to look at other people? I don’t know, I have no answers for these questions flooding my mind. I know that I’m hurting and there’s no one to help me pick up the pieces. The person I want to talk to about it is her, and I’m sick of fighting.
I seen her yesterday. It was emotional. I cried myself into restless fits of sleep and dreams of agony.
I have empowering moments too….I think about how happy she deserves to be, so I should be ok because that was the only purpose I had in life for the longest time. We are really good friends so a friendship should be good enough. I think about how I deserve to be happy….Right? RIGHT?
It’s a rough road, a rough decision. I’m waiting for the day when it becomes easy to exist. Yeah, I know I won’t hold my breath or anything. It’s nice to dream though. That’s all the good things are is a beautiful dream.
So, I will continue to try to fill my life with meaning, be happy with myself, and try to be content with the way things have been laid out for me. I will continue to love her through it all.
Breaking..up, down, around…
Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, Love, Uncategorized, tagged brain, broken, challenges, desire, failure, feeling, fights, friends, hate, heart, hurt, lesbian, life, loss, love, opinion, stress, tired, writing, wrong, wtf on April 10, 2011| Leave a Comment »
Today after work I went to take a nap…I failed. I laid in bed and tried to close my eyes, my brain was like a run on sentence. When I opened my eyes all I seen was the huge matted collage of our family pictures. From when we were a family…or so I thought. I’ve made a hard decision, probably the hardest I’ve ever had to make. D and I broke up last night. We always said that we would stay friends if we ever broke up.
I can’t do it. I can’t watch her life go on without me, it hurts too much, I can’t ignore the anger I feel from things she said. It isn’t easy for me to push her away completely however, I know that’s the only way I can move on and get over this hump. I’m trying to separate her from me. I went on a rampage today and took down all the pictures….except I can’t bring myself to throw them away.
If we aren’t meant to be together then why does it hurt so bad? I’m trying to listen to my brain instead of my heart this time….there’s been about a million and one times I wanted to grab the phone to text her about something or call her. We had a ritual, when we were on smoke breaks or leaving home from work, we called each other every single time. Do you know I got out of work and I couldn’t wait to call her? Except, I can’t anymore. My heart is so broken. It’s like there’s a piece of me, right down there in the center of my chest, that has been ripped out. I feel so empty. I don’t even want to sleep because that’s when it’s the worst. I’ve tried turning on music, the tv, writing, drawing, reading….I can’t focus on anything! My brain just runs and runs…..I wish half the batteries I bought were this persistent.
We had so many good times, bad time, goofy times, cute times…and so much. How do I function without her? I’ve written probably 30 notes to her, tossed them in the garbage, then started over. I have the worst mood swings, one minute I’m crying, the next I’m angry and starting to throw things out, then I’m perfectly calm about the situation…then I got back to the crying bit. The ocean has nothing on my tears.
I’ve gone as far as googling ways to get over your girlfriend…tried hanging out with friends, played with the kids, cleaned up the house, and watched some brainless television. EVERYTHING reminds me of her….every last effing thing. I’m just at a crossroads. I want her in my life, I want to love her, I want her to love me, I want a family. But, it’s not in the cards for us. We are way to different…..see this is my brain trying to talk my heart out of feeling what I feel.
I’ve heard everyone say that it’ll get easier, or it’s for the best, or it’s about time….well, thanks guys, thanks for supporting my breaking heart. See here I go getting to the angry part. Perhaps it’s time for me to try to shut off…….I’ll be back if that doesn’t happen.
When Goodbye’s are Necassary
Posted in Daily struggles, tagged building relationships, challenges, failure, feeling, fights, friends, lesbian, life, loss, love, opinion on March 9, 2011| Leave a Comment »
There are so many things we attach ourselves to in our lives. Eventually, we face the same outcome. We must say goodbye. Remember that blanket you carried around for years, that little piece of security you held so dear? How long was it before mama came in and ripped security from your poor little hands? There are a few of us who decided on our own to get rid of our precious possessions, I use “few” very heavily here. Usually we are forcefully recommended that we let something go. Of course there are always promises of better things, or it will be ok statements….then we grow up and realize they’re liars.
It’s a pattern we follow even into our adult years. You go through school with your favorite pencil, seat in class, or your lucky bracelet. We outgrow them, or so we feel, and move on. Then we get into relationships. Everyone’s looking for their fairytale, the happy ending. Romeo & Juliet minus the death part and all the fighting. We fall in love over and over ……and over again. Hoping for the forever after we seek.
So let’s say we have found our perfect match, the big kahuna of partners. There’s some warning signs, you know a few red flags your willing to overlook. Then your standing in the living room having the calmest break up talk known to man. On the inside it hurts, but your logic is saying….get over it. Opposites attract, so they say. Needless to say my partner and I have decided it is time to say goodbye. It’s going to be long and painful I’m sure, but it’s time. It’s no one’s fault really, more like a realization that we are fundamentally different in all of the important areas. She doesn’t want more than one kid and well, I have four….and I wouldn’t mind four more. That’s oversimplifying it quite a bit but, in a nutshell that’s something we cannot overcome.
I don’t want to say to much about it because I am heartbroken. I wanted it to work. I wanted it all….
But, here I am, forced to let go yet again.
Friends
Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, tagged building relationships, family, friends, friendship, gay, help, lesbian, loss, love, new friends, reaching out, stress on October 24, 2010| 2 Comments »
It’s hard to find a good solid group of friends. People who will stick around forever and be there no matter what. As a closeted lesbian I had a lot of friends who I thought would always be there, and they were…..until I became an uncloseted lesbian. Now that I’m growing into who I want to be and I’m open with myself not to many people have stayed through the fire with me. D and I were discussing how we wanted more friends….to be specific more lesbian and gay friends. I am ready to go out and meet new people and get this on the ball. D, however, has had a little bit of an unsatisfactory track record with finding gay buddies. The last time she tried to reach out to someone they ended up pursuing her current girlfriend. I understand her fear completely but, what harm comes from trying? We could go to gay and lesbian parenting events or couples get togethers. Where I am employed offers a GLBT group that holds events and does fundraising. There is a whole world out there of normal non-homewrecking people, we could make this happen. Also, I need this. I need some outside source who understands “the gay” and can empathize wth any current situations I have. Mama needs a night out!
Who has some advice on finding a good solid group that we can call framily?
I am the Master of my Fate 