I’ve been MIA lately….sorry to my stalkers. 🙂
I’m at a weird place in my life right now, a sort of crossroads. I try and try to get over my relationship with D and then I see her…it all comes flooding back to me. Japan’s Tsunami has nothing on this monsoon of emotions. There’s been hope, fighting, lack of hope, more hope, distancing, friendship, and the list goes on. Hashing out all of the issues would be a pointless drag of time. It’s been made clear to me that I’m never going to have what I want, that I’m not a good enough person. On one hand I’m angry and I want to point out all of the things that went wrong for me….you know the one’s that weren’t my fault. However, at the same time I can not justify anything I’ve done out of spite or fear. This may seem like a confusing mess of nonsense…but the point is it makes perfect sense in my head. Deep down I know where I’m right and where I’m wrong….but, that doesn’t give me a sense of peace or even understanding. Sometimes I think if I was willing to put up through everything that was disagreeable then why the heck can’t she??? I’m constantly going back and forth in my head, I beat myself up then I drag out that lock and chain to barricade my heart from feeling anything.
I am supposed to make a decision now…to move on. But, I know I can’t especially with her so involved in my life. I live for the moments that give me hope and I see that look in her eyes again. So if I can’t move on while she’s here and I can’t make the decision to let her go completely where does that leave me? Will it get easier after time with us being friends? Can I bear to see her move on so quickly with other people? Will I ever be able to look at other people? I don’t know, I have no answers for these questions flooding my mind. I know that I’m hurting and there’s no one to help me pick up the pieces. The person I want to talk to about it is her, and I’m sick of fighting.
I seen her yesterday. It was emotional. I cried myself into restless fits of sleep and dreams of agony.
I have empowering moments too….I think about how happy she deserves to be, so I should be ok because that was the only purpose I had in life for the longest time. We are really good friends so a friendship should be good enough. I think about how I deserve to be happy….Right? RIGHT?
It’s a rough road, a rough decision. I’m waiting for the day when it becomes easy to exist. Yeah, I know I won’t hold my breath or anything. It’s nice to dream though. That’s all the good things are is a beautiful dream.
So, I will continue to try to fill my life with meaning, be happy with myself, and try to be content with the way things have been laid out for me. I will continue to love her through it all.
I am the Master of my Fate 