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Here we go again

March 10, 2011 by tmw0618

When I wrote that title I was singing….u know the song….like twister I was boooorn to walk alooone. It about sums up the way I feel this morning.

I had a restless night of sleep. Being at that spot right between sleep and awake all night is not a good rest. As I’m pouring my coffee my hands are shaking……my body says “Woman, go back to bed!” Too bad all of my sick time at work has been used to stay home with my sick kids. The glamorous life of a single parent, we sacrifice more than most know of. The kids are dressed and ready for school while I hide in the bathroom dreading the loooong day I’m going to have. That sounds so cliche. My mother used to tell me a womans best friend is a bathroom with a lock on the door….who knew! I believe her now.

I just had a case of the deja vu! Deja vu always creeps me out…..what does it mean? With all of the hypothesis on it, I don’t have the energy to reflect on it. Nor do I have the time.

I’m thinking I’ll nap at my lunch time ❤

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When Goodbye’s are Necassary

March 9, 2011 by tmw0618

There are so many things we attach ourselves to in our lives. Eventually, we face the same outcome. We must say goodbye. Remember that blanket you carried around for years, that little piece of security you held so dear? How long was it before mama came in and ripped security from your poor little hands? There are a few of us who decided on our own to get rid of our precious possessions, I use “few” very heavily here. Usually we are forcefully recommended that we let something go. Of course there are always promises of better things, or it will be ok statements….then we grow up and realize they’re liars.

It’s a pattern we follow even into our adult years. You go through school with your favorite pencil, seat in class, or your lucky bracelet. We outgrow them, or so we feel, and move on. Then we get into relationships. Everyone’s looking for their fairytale, the happy ending. Romeo & Juliet minus the death part and all the fighting.  We fall in love over and over ……and over again. Hoping for the forever after we seek.

So let’s say we have found our perfect match, the big kahuna of partners. There’s some warning signs, you know a few red flags your willing to overlook. Then your standing in the living room having the calmest break up talk known to man. On the inside it hurts, but your logic is saying….get over it. Opposites attract, so they say. Needless to say my partner and I have decided it is time to say goodbye. It’s going to be long and painful I’m sure, but it’s time. It’s no one’s fault really, more like a realization that we are fundamentally different in all of the important areas. She doesn’t want more than one kid and well, I have four….and I wouldn’t mind four more. That’s oversimplifying it quite a bit but, in a nutshell that’s something we cannot overcome.

I don’t want to say to much about it because I am heartbroken. I wanted it to work. I wanted it all….

But, here I am, forced to let go yet again.

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Coporate Anxiety

March 8, 2011 by tmw0618

The pressures of working for corporate are starting to weigh on me. Rules, rules, rules, and do not sway my pretty or you’ll be fired…..and your little dog too! Granted I know the company I work for is one of the largest in the world, maybe that’s what gives them the right to be so damn picky. Its just a little frustrating.
I took a critical thinking course for college, it talks about ideas and how to think outside the box. Well, how do we apply this when I’m told to stay in the box??? A very small box….
Then again I could be complaining for no reason other than I’m tired. Because I am, I’m tired and worn out. My spunk has been put in time out only I don’t remember which corner I stuck that sucker in. Maybe I need a vacation…..a sabbatical….layoff? No not a layoff, but a vacation, yes! I think a good solid month of vacay time could be just what the doctor ordered.
I still look into the work from home programs my job offers. That would be an amazing oppurtunity! Sit in my jamas and work on spreadsheets? I’ll take it! However, I don’t know how to make the change. Like one of the postings is change managment…..wtf is that???
Once again I’m stuck with decisions that are too hard for me to make. Would anyone like to do that for me?

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1 hour lunches?

March 3, 2011 by tmw0618

Normally this would be thrilling for some people. But seeing as I live 30 minutes away from work it just means that I dwaddle in the breakroom for an hour. The way it normally works is we get a half hour for lunch, if we have over time they give us long lunches. Sometimes we get to go home early……which I would prefer of course!

I’m just getting fed up with the job. It’s a fantastic one, don’t get me wrong, its just not really my gig anymore.

What to do, what to do…..

I got some information sent to me about photography classes. Its a pretty lucrative career if you know the right people. I haven’t done anything yet because I have so much on my plate right now! I’m going to school for business, in the army, working full time, and raising four kids. It doesn’t leave much time for another full time gig. Decisions, decisions……lifes full of them!

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How important is it?

March 1, 2011 by tmw0618

Is it important to love the job you’re doing? Or is it more important to make money, just enough to get by? Our economy makes this decision for most of us, but, what matters deep down?

For me, I want to love my job. I want to create things, beautiful things and get paid for it. All things aside I would love to paint pictures, do photography, write novels, or even just raising children which is the most beautiful fulfilling creation of them all. There’s a some what whimsical romanticism to art in all of its various forms. The beauty in it is astounding.

My head is filled with these wonderous desires…..and then I see the grocery list, the bill for daycare, and realize rents due. Reality crushes me without guilt and it hits hard most times.

Then I go on living like we all do, trying to be content in the mundane life.

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3 Blogs too Many?

December 7, 2010 by tmw0618

I have spent countless nights pouring over books, looking into different genres, and absorbing all I can. The reality is I want to write. There are stories in my head that I need to put onto paper. So what’s holding me back you say? Fear. Plain ol fear. I don’t have a degree, I won’t be good enough, I can’t organize ideas, ect. But, really if a 15 year old can publish a book then why can’t I? I can! You don’t say….so out do I outlet and get some feedback? Another blog?! Really, is three blogs too many? One dedicated to the absolution of a novel, one for my ranting, one for my love. What the heck, why not? It can’t hurt to try. So here we go again……..

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Writing in a Blog?

December 6, 2010 by tmw0618

Some bloggers would like to blog the news and comment on current events. So should we as bloggers be held to a certain standard of writing, shall we say, grammatically correct? Or is blogging a looser type of writing where our freedom to express emotion should be worth more than where we place our comma’s? Oh, the topics we see on the blog network. Sex with robots who are taking over the world….WHAT? Obama: What will he do next?….if I want to know I will check CNN, thanks.

Blogging has not been an everyday thing for me, for the last..oh we will say year or so. HOWEVER!!!, I would like to point out that this is somewhere for me to express MY opinions. I do not profess to have the knowledge of the universe or anything of the sort. I like to bitch, whine, complain, and also gush and love about good things too. Please, you journalistic high and mighties, do not take away my relaxable writing moments.

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Work.

November 24, 2010 by tmw0618

At what point does work become home and home become work? I am a terrible parent. The kids flock to me and want to play…..I feel disinterested and tired. Guiltily, I indulge them for a short period, knowing I cannot wait to sleep. I love them, they are my life, when did it become such hard work to play?

I need to adjust my priorities again.

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“Butch”

November 24, 2010 by tmw0618

I have to say I love dyke labels, they are a paradox of verbage. Butch, femme, futch, lipstick lez, ect. What do I feel about the word butch? To me these labels are a feeling not a look. D and i have been together for well over a year, getting closer to the two year mark, and if people were to look at us they would see her as the butch…..wrong again society! I am the one who likes to roll around in the mud, play soccer, watch football, and all that nice “boy” stuff.  The summertime, to me, means no shoes, bbqs, and cut off jeans. They may be bootylicious cut off jeans but I’ll be damned if I am prissy about it. I am perfectly comfortable in my stilletto heels….playing baseball. D has short hair, which is about all the butch look she has going for her, if that counts. Rereading this I feel like I sound rude, I just get a little excited!

The most important part of why I feel more butch, even if I don’t look it: When we fight, I am emotionally detached. She gets emotional and cries and “moves out”. She throws tantrums, I make valid points and she yells at me for not listening to her. We are the paradigm of a heterosexual relationship when it comes to fights. She is the girl…always right, needs extra comfort, blah blah blah….and I am the man, I give up because I know I am right and give her what she wants so she will be happy again and stop yelling at me. Sometimes it is suffocating and other times it is just ….. normal. Even the way I think sexually is more, as she says it, like a man. But, that is a story for another time, friends.

Butch is not a gender identifier. I do not want to be like a boy or be a boy…..I just sometimes think more masculine. Like I said it’s a feeling. Most people think I would rather shop than anything, uh, not so much I would rather smoke someone in football. Yes, yes I still do all the girly things like bake and cook dinner, I do my makeup and I like to look nice…but at the end of the day deep down inside I am your average hick tomboy who cleans up nice.

So Very Short and Sweetly Yours:  T.

P.S. I tried to get her to let me wear a white pant suit for our wedding….we bought dresses if that tells you how well that worked out for me. They are beautiful and I love them. I still think a white pant suit would have been bitchin.

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Or not

November 8, 2010 by tmw0618

It is funny how I feel so validated in my feelings and they can be reduced to making me feel like nothing. I am losing the sense of what I feel. Do I agree that I am stupid because now I feel like I am? Or do I hold onto my first fight because I felt right then?

I am hurting because I hurt her. I am hurting because she thinks I control her. I am hurting because I remember what I felt like to be in her shoes and her in mine, when the tables were turned. I am hurting because I still have a lot to talk about with her and she has nothing. I cannot stay up late with her and that is hurting me too. I feel like a terrible gf and I don’t know how to change that.

When did I become this way? I feel like a failure…..

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