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Posts Tagged ‘feeling’

Just a Dream

Posted in Daily struggles, Love, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I’ve been MIA lately….sorry to my stalkers. 🙂

I’m at a weird place in my life right now, a sort of crossroads. I try and try to get over my relationship with D and then I see her…it all comes flooding back to me. Japan’s Tsunami has nothing on this monsoon of emotions. There’s been hope, fighting, lack of hope, more hope, distancing, friendship, and the list goes on. Hashing out all of the issues would be a pointless drag of time. It’s been made clear to me that I’m never going to have what I want, that I’m not a good enough person. On one hand I’m angry and I want to point out all of the things that went wrong for me….you know the one’s that weren’t my fault. However, at the same time I can not justify anything I’ve done out of spite or fear. This may seem like a confusing mess of nonsense…but the point is it makes perfect sense in my head. Deep down I know where I’m right and where I’m wrong….but, that doesn’t give me a sense of peace or even understanding. Sometimes I think if I was willing to put up through everything that was disagreeable then why the heck can’t she??? I’m constantly going back and forth in my head, I beat myself up then I drag out that lock and chain to barricade my heart from feeling anything.

I am supposed to make a decision now…to move on. But, I know I can’t especially with her so involved in my life. I live for the moments that give me hope and I see that look in her eyes again. So if I can’t move on while she’s here and I can’t make the decision to let her go completely where does that leave me? Will it get easier after time with us being friends? Can I bear to see her move on so quickly with other people? Will I ever be able to look at other people? I don’t know, I have no answers for these questions flooding my mind. I know that I’m hurting and there’s no one to help me pick up the pieces. The person I want to talk to about it is her, and I’m sick of fighting.

I seen her yesterday. It was emotional. I cried myself into restless fits of sleep and dreams of agony.

I have empowering moments too….I think about how happy she deserves to be, so I should be ok because that was the only purpose I had in life for the longest time. We are really good friends so a friendship should be good enough. I think about how I deserve to be happy….Right? RIGHT?

It’s a rough road, a rough decision. I’m waiting for the day when it becomes easy to exist. Yeah, I know I won’t hold my breath or anything. It’s nice to dream though. That’s all the good things are is a beautiful dream.

So, I will continue to try to fill my life with meaning, be happy with myself, and try to be content with the way things have been laid out for me. I will continue to love her through it all.

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Breaking..up, down, around…

Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, Love, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Today after work I went to take a nap…I failed. I laid in bed and tried to close my eyes, my brain was like a run on sentence. When I opened my eyes all I seen was the huge matted collage of our family pictures. From when we were a family…or so I thought. I’ve made a hard decision, probably the hardest I’ve ever had to make. D and I broke up last night. We always said that we would stay friends if we ever broke up.

I can’t do it. I can’t watch her life go on without me, it hurts too much, I can’t ignore the anger I feel from things she said. It isn’t easy for me to push her away completely however, I know that’s the only way I can move on and get over this hump. I’m trying to separate her from me. I went on a rampage today and took down all the pictures….except I can’t bring myself to throw them away.

If we aren’t meant to be together then why does it hurt so bad? I’m trying to listen to my brain instead of my heart this time….there’s been about a million and one times I wanted to grab the phone to text her about something or call her. We had a ritual, when we were on smoke breaks or leaving home from work, we called each other every single time. Do you know I got out of work and I couldn’t wait to call her? Except, I can’t anymore. My heart is so broken. It’s like there’s a piece of me, right down there in the center of my chest, that has been ripped out. I feel so empty. I don’t even want to sleep because that’s when it’s the worst. I’ve tried turning on music, the tv, writing, drawing, reading….I can’t focus on anything! My brain just runs and runs…..I wish half the batteries I bought were this persistent.

We had so many good times, bad time, goofy times, cute times…and so much. How do I function without her? I’ve written probably 30 notes to her, tossed them in the garbage, then started over. I have the worst mood swings, one minute I’m crying, the next I’m angry and starting to throw things out, then I’m perfectly calm about the situation…then I got back to the crying bit. The ocean has nothing on my tears.

I’ve gone as far as googling ways to get over your girlfriend…tried hanging out with friends, played with the kids, cleaned up the house, and watched some brainless television. EVERYTHING reminds me of her….every last effing thing. I’m just at a crossroads. I want her in my life, I want to love her, I want her to love me, I want a family. But, it’s not in the cards for us. We are way to different…..see this is my brain trying to talk my heart out of feeling what I feel.

I’ve heard everyone say that it’ll get easier, or it’s for the best, or it’s about time….well, thanks guys, thanks for supporting my breaking heart. See here I go getting to the angry part. Perhaps it’s time for me to try to shut off…….I’ll be back if that doesn’t happen.

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Sleep

Posted in Daily struggles, Life, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2011| Leave a Comment »

It seems so easy to do. Just lie your precious head down on a pillow, wrap up in a warm blanket, and drift off into dreamland. Easy? Not lately. I lay in bed hoping to get to that comfy, happy place….and BAM my brain doesn’t shut off, my legs don’t sit still, and I need to do something. I get up for a drink of water, a smoke, to make sure the doors are locked……then slowly but surely I come to my computer. One punch of the power button, a flash of the screen, and I’m in my happy place for insomnia. Nothing like the feel of my fingers flying over the keys to release my thoughts.

So let’s talk about what’s on my brain tonight. I have two one year olds sleeping in my bedroom, well one in the bedroom and one (who threw a fit) wrapped in a blanket on the dining room floor. It’s been a while since I’ve had the babyness in my home. It’s a comfort for me in ways and in others I’m a nervous wreck. My house is far from baby proofed, or even baby friendly anymore. My baby is four years old going on 35 so she pretty much knows what to touch and what not to. It’s funny though, how somethings are so natural, even after not having a baby around in years. Patience floods back to you….that patience only used for babies. (and idiots) There’s also a sixth sense mothers have, like eyes in the back of their head. NO REALLY!! It’s so true. With babies around it’s intensified by a million.

I miss having babies, I want more, like an orphanage of small, cute, plump babies. Maybe I should get a puppy….

I guess I feel a little better. A short blog, a looooong journal entry, and some sweet tea. I’ve got the regular American dream right here….

Sleeplessly Yours,

Random Insomnia Girl

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Starting Over: Fresh Outlooks

Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, tagged , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2011| 2 Comments »

Today I received a surprising letter from my partner. We have been through some rough times and…well, to make a long story short we are no longer living together. Obviously, we are still madly in love with each other and we talk all the time through texting, instant messaging, and phone calls. Face to face interaction is limited for the time being, with her working nights and my busy schedule. Our conversations end up on the topic of us being friends…where we decide no (every time) and then try to make something work. Really, she is my best friend and the love of my life. I feel like personally we can overcome the obstacles we face as long as we’re together. It’s like when we hold hands we join forces and no one can break down our wall. (you know like Batman and Robin….except prettier with more poetry) We just need to open up better, communication is key….knowing what to say, as well as, what not to say.

So back to this letter I received, she texted me and told me I had a letter in her car for me to pick up but, after I read it I would have to wait 30 minutes to think about it before I called her. So I, being the some what pessimistic type, immediately thought, “Oh, my god…this is the we should just be friends letter.” Much to my surprise, I was WAY off base on that assumption. As I read the letter my heart filled with joy, simultaneous to the tears that filled my eyes. I could feel my chest filling up with love, excitement, joy, happiness….if you have another happy word, it will fit in this sentence. She not only listed all of the things she loves about me, well a lot of them, she told me that has to be enough. She asked for a fresh start….you know, let go of the past and move towards the future kind of fresh start. Then at the bottom she wrote, “Will you go on a date with me? Text Yes or No.” A historic romance with a modern touch….I’ll take it!

So, needless to say, I am sitting here with butterflies in my stomach….freaking out about what to wear….and feeling fantabulous about my life.

My lesson: Love can be enough, if you let it.

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Creation and Consequence Situations

Posted in Daily struggles, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2011| Leave a Comment »

This is the title of my first paper for Ethics: Cultural Diversity. There is a text-book, but for research purposes it’s limited to explaining definitions of things like: Migration, Annexation, or colonization. Which can I say that migration seems like it’s almost the same as emigration and immigration except with different terminology? All of them involve another race moving into a foreign country in some way. If we look at the technicalities than yeah, I guess I see the difference….but nothing like confusing the over worked college student/single working mother. So I’m trying to “research” on the web to find quality sources of information….so far, nothing useful. Wikipedia and Answers.com are not viable research options, which of course is the two most popular searches for my subject. YAY! Go internet of useless information. It may just be time to bust out the old traditional research method….the library.

I must say there is some kind of romanticism to studying in the library amongst dusty books…with a notepad and a pencil. Nostalgia is tugging at my memory…pulling on my heart-strings. I’m the hopeless romantic at heart who loves old vintage ways of expression…which is probably why I still carry a journal with a pen. I can’t say that I use pencils that often anymore but there’s nothing like the feeling of the pen gliding over paper, filling it with words of creation, the soul of thought. Sometimes I feel like I should have been born a long time ago, in a different era. Where time was slow and the world wasn’t in such a hurry to get no where. Back when people savored the day in every moment.

But, here I am, where in less than a half hour I can mass email, txt, and contact every person I know, pick up dinner, eat, and find a good movie. Usually….all at the same time. I need a nice long vacation in Spain, where time doesn’t dictate what I’m doing, there’s no rush to be here or there. We can just be.

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Range

Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, Work, tagged , , , , , , on March 15, 2011| Leave a Comment »

This weekend it’s time to play Army again! Complete with my M16 and combat boots. Running through the muck in full gear is just what I want to do this weekend. Good times. <—Loaded with sarcasm. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Army, I love being in it and I love shooting a weapon. It’s full of challenges to overcome every second. It seems as though lately, since I’ve had a big girl job, it’s becoming a slight inconvenience. The weekends I have drill means I don’t get a day off for 13 days, which isn’t to terrible….until you throw in four kids and college. A bonus is I can pretty much be openly gay! Yay Army for getting with the times.

I’m hoping before I go, I get my new bag and my lense in the mail!! I have taken up learning photography (I know, I know on top of everything else I’m doing!) and bought a Nikon D3000 digital SLR camera. It’s beautiful! The bag I’ll be getting allows me to fit 4 lenses the camera, lots of doodads, some notebooks and pens…and wait for it….wait for it….my laptop!!!! It also has an attatchment for a tripod, which I do not have…..yet. If I do get this stuff before I go, watch out WordPress! You will get a plethora of photos, hopefully good ones too. Before you know it I’ll be a pro, I feel it!

I have so many obsessions, some say hobbies, I say obssessions. Doing hair is one. Photograpy is another. Those are my two biggest. I have a plan that I won’t spill on here quite yet, but, it’s huge! Believe me, I dream big and I can make anything happen. =)

I would love to write more….but, dag’ gone it, I’m falling asleep.

Goodnight, world.

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When Goodbye’s are Necassary

Posted in Daily struggles, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2011| Leave a Comment »

There are so many things we attach ourselves to in our lives. Eventually, we face the same outcome. We must say goodbye. Remember that blanket you carried around for years, that little piece of security you held so dear? How long was it before mama came in and ripped security from your poor little hands? There are a few of us who decided on our own to get rid of our precious possessions, I use “few” very heavily here. Usually we are forcefully recommended that we let something go. Of course there are always promises of better things, or it will be ok statements….then we grow up and realize they’re liars.

It’s a pattern we follow even into our adult years. You go through school with your favorite pencil, seat in class, or your lucky bracelet. We outgrow them, or so we feel, and move on. Then we get into relationships. Everyone’s looking for their fairytale, the happy ending. Romeo & Juliet minus the death part and all the fighting.  We fall in love over and over ……and over again. Hoping for the forever after we seek.

So let’s say we have found our perfect match, the big kahuna of partners. There’s some warning signs, you know a few red flags your willing to overlook. Then your standing in the living room having the calmest break up talk known to man. On the inside it hurts, but your logic is saying….get over it. Opposites attract, so they say. Needless to say my partner and I have decided it is time to say goodbye. It’s going to be long and painful I’m sure, but it’s time. It’s no one’s fault really, more like a realization that we are fundamentally different in all of the important areas. She doesn’t want more than one kid and well, I have four….and I wouldn’t mind four more. That’s oversimplifying it quite a bit but, in a nutshell that’s something we cannot overcome.

I don’t want to say to much about it because I am heartbroken. I wanted it to work. I wanted it all….

But, here I am, forced to let go yet again.

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“Butch”

Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2010| Leave a Comment »

I have to say I love dyke labels, they are a paradox of verbage. Butch, femme, futch, lipstick lez, ect. What do I feel about the word butch? To me these labels are a feeling not a look. D and i have been together for well over a year, getting closer to the two year mark, and if people were to look at us they would see her as the butch…..wrong again society! I am the one who likes to roll around in the mud, play soccer, watch football, and all that nice “boy” stuff.  The summertime, to me, means no shoes, bbqs, and cut off jeans. They may be bootylicious cut off jeans but I’ll be damned if I am prissy about it. I am perfectly comfortable in my stilletto heels….playing baseball. D has short hair, which is about all the butch look she has going for her, if that counts. Rereading this I feel like I sound rude, I just get a little excited!

The most important part of why I feel more butch, even if I don’t look it: When we fight, I am emotionally detached. She gets emotional and cries and “moves out”. She throws tantrums, I make valid points and she yells at me for not listening to her. We are the paradigm of a heterosexual relationship when it comes to fights. She is the girl…always right, needs extra comfort, blah blah blah….and I am the man, I give up because I know I am right and give her what she wants so she will be happy again and stop yelling at me. Sometimes it is suffocating and other times it is just ….. normal. Even the way I think sexually is more, as she says it, like a man. But, that is a story for another time, friends.

Butch is not a gender identifier. I do not want to be like a boy or be a boy…..I just sometimes think more masculine. Like I said it’s a feeling. Most people think I would rather shop than anything, uh, not so much I would rather smoke someone in football. Yes, yes I still do all the girly things like bake and cook dinner, I do my makeup and I like to look nice…but at the end of the day deep down inside I am your average hick tomboy who cleans up nice.

So Very Short and Sweetly Yours:  T.

P.S. I tried to get her to let me wear a white pant suit for our wedding….we bought dresses if that tells you how well that worked out for me. They are beautiful and I love them. I still think a white pant suit would have been bitchin.

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