I'm not actually dead.

Life has been interesting lately...Started this DBT therapy group and have a new individual therapist (who I'm not sure I like), so that's been keeping me busy. The group is at a nearby (mental) hospital that deals with both in- and outpatients, which is, mercifully, within walking distance of my house, so I'm not going to complain about that too much. This lovely fun stuff happens on Tuesdays, 9:30-2:30, and then I trek out to Bondi (yes, home of the famous beach) to see this inordinately expensive woman ($220 per hour!). She's really not bad at all when it comes to her practice -- clearly she knows what she's doing and she comes very highly recommended -- but she looks uncannily like my ex-stepmother and that really throws me. I mean, the woman was a nut...Still is...and unabashedly so, so seeing someone who looks remarkably like her in a therapeutic context is more than a little unsettling.

As for the situation with my meds, my Psychiatrist and I are both comfortable with how things are going so far. No horrible side-effects (aside from tremours and the driest dry-mouth ever), so I'm not unhappy with that, and the moodstabilisers are doing just fine, so I can't complain about that either. It's a nice change, I must admit, to not be horribly suicidal or wishing to do terrible damage to myself. I'd forgotten what a little bit of stability is like...It also made me acutely aware of how bad things have been and for how long. I'm not sure when the last time I've felt like this was. I mean, don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect and I'm not about to pretend that they are, but things are settling down and I have the room to be a lot more objective when it comes to my moods and behaviours. I'm much more firmly in the driver's seat here. Most pleased.

I'm on break from uni which ends July 30th. Fortunately my classes don't start until the 1st, so I have a little time beforehand to get my book together. My classes this semester fall mostly on one day, Wednesday, which is cool, since I don't have to do much running around the place. Originally I was in the Wednesday DBT group because it clashed with last semester's timetable, but I asked if I could be moved to the Tuesday group to avoid clashing with classes for this semester. I was surprised at how easy it was and how easy-going the people who run the program are...They just slotted me right in with no problem at all. There was a vacancy in that group for that day, so it all worked in my favour. So, aside from doing these various and sundry therapy-type things, I really haven't been up to much. Lots of staying in bed until 2pm, not a lot of set routine lately, which is making me a bit stir crazy. Today, for example, I went to my appointment in Bondi and got home to be greeted by an empty house...I knew that sitting around doing more of nothing would make me a little nuts, so I -- and no one is more shocked than I am -- did a load of washing, dealt with the dishwasher, put the rubbish out and cleaned my room. And I mean, really cleaned it...My desk actually looks like a desk, now, rather than a precariously piled book mountain topped with my Mac. It has a flat surface and everything. Had to Tetris some of my books onto my shelves (definitely out of shelf space now), but all in all, not too shabby. Must say, though, it's a weird feeling to be sitting at a desk...I'm also aware of how strange that feeling is...Heaps of people sit at desks all the time and do so with very little to do...

There's really not much else that requires a mention at this point. My life is fairly unremarkable...Even I find me boring.

I trust you are all well xx

So, I've been busy as hell...Trying to keep this train on the tracks, you know?

Gone up on some of my medications (Lamictal and Seroquel) and might have to switch antidepressants soon. I think the mood stabilisers are doing a decent job, but I don't feel better, if you know what I mean. So I think something has to give. Hopefully I can expect more, eh?

Today I went to my first DBT pre-treatment appointment. I think there will be a couple more before the program starts on the 19th. I'm not yet as freaked out as I could be, so I guess that's something. The woman whose name I can't remember was pretty cool...Even though I had to rehash everything right from the beginning up until recently, which is always a pain in the ass, but still, she was OK. It's a nice change from people who don't know their ass from their elbow or people who've never had a bad day. Urgh. Anyway, this DBT thing is a year long course of therapy...One full day a week for a year. Looking forward to it? No. Interested? A tad. I think the biggest thing is I'm quite literally at the end of my rope. I can't do this anymore, you know? I feel like this is just about all I have left in me....So, one last ditch effort, and all that.

Still not sure about admission. I'm going to wait until exams are over before anything definite happens, and I also have to (preferably) wait for two months or so until our new health cover kicks in. We've pretty much always had private health insurance, but I'm kind of at the point where I need better care (God, I even hate typing that) and if I have to pay through the nose for it, then so be it. You have to do what you have to do, right? It's like I'm haemorrhaging money over here, but still. A couple of months and then Medicare will kick in to take some of the weight off. I think everything I've spent so far can be reimbursed, so it's not so bad, but when you watch the numbers adding up it makes one's blood run cold. But yeah, so I'm going to hold off, if I can, to decided whether admission would be a decent idea...I mean, if I end up changing medications, I'd much prefer to be doing that in a decent environment because the medication I'm on (Lovan) has a really long half-life and you have to wait til it's all out of your system before moving to something else, so you have to taper down and then have a week or so free of the antidepressant so you're clear to start something else. I'm not looking especially forward to trying to work something like that out of my system, but surely I can expect more than this.

So yeah. Uni's just about done for the semester, so all of this couldn't have come at a better time. I've done my exam for Language, Brain and Mind, which did not go swimmingly, and still have a paper to write for Corpus Linguistics and a take-home exam for Modern Irish Literature. Pretty chuffed that we get that last one for a week, so that should take the heat off a bit. It's just two 1000 word essays ;) can't complain about that. The Corpus paper isn't going to be much fun, though, so I guess that kind of makes up for it.

Hope you guys are faring much better than I am xx

I should stop apologising for not posting more frequently, I mean, I really do have quite a lot on my plate right now, but really, sorry :) I hate not being as regularly online as I normally am. I just have no focus, drive or any type of concentration right now. Urgh.

Anyway, saw the new doctor the day before last (Wednesday) to check in about the many and various (OK, only two) medications and to see where stuff is kind of headed. A new drug has been thrown into the mix, Seroquel, and I'm not totally down with that. I've been on Seroquel before and while it does have its pros, and it really does, the cons are irritating, too. For example, dry mouth; doesn't sound that serious at all, and ordinarily it'd be completely manageable, but because my antidepressant also causes dry mouth, I almost literally have no spit. None. I could try to spit at someone and they'd end up being covered in a light sheen of dust. DUST. Seroquel is also known to cause weight gain (not as badly as Zyprexa), which I'm not at all comfortable with because I have a thing about weight (believe it or not), and I often go through cycles of eating normally and then cycles of disordered eating patterns. I feel like gaining some weight wouldn't be awful, but a lot would be problematic. I guess that's a wait-and-see type thing. Ideally it ought to be helping me sleep, but so far, no good. Seroquel combined with Lamictal should put me completely out, lol, but it's all still settling down. I can take 25-50 mg, so I guess I'll see what's what with the 50 mg before I get too worried about it. I'll just have to make sure I don't have anything important to do the following day, lol. I guess the point of the Seroquel is that it kind of keeps things together a bit...I've been on it in the past and it slowed down the self-injury thing quite a bit and made some room for me to get through it, which I (mostly) appreciated. So, everything is kind of contained right now which is a good/bad thing. I can maybe get some shit done, but also emoting is a little problematic because I've been rendered docile by the medication. Not happy, don't get confused, but just made more quiet. Not a lot of fun, but I guess it could be worse. The Lamictal is going fine. The dose has increased from 50 to 75 mg, and it's not that bad. Causes the weirdest fucking dreams I think I've ever had. Honestly, some weird shit has been going on. Also, Lamictal tastes kind of blackberry-ish, so that's not bad, either.

As for all the uni stuff, I'm just hanging in there by the skin of my teeth. I'm still going, but doing any work is damn near impossible, which is a downer, what with having to do assessments and all, but it keeps me occupied and I've been aware or ages that I don't do well at all in an unstructured environment. Today I've applied for Special Consideration (ooh, fancy) to get some deadlines extended. I have an assignment due on Monday (yeah, yeah, poor student trying to shirk due dates, lol) which I've not at all been able to focus on or give any thought to. I can get an extension up to 20 days, so that should allow for things to settle down and stuff. I guess, failing that, I could get a DNF (Discontinue Not Fail) to avoid failing anything and having that both on my transcript and in my head, but that's kind of last resort sort of stuff, so I'll wait it out.

Nothing much besides the above has been happening...I guess I mostly spend my time being unwell and trying to keep my head above water. It's exhausting as hell and I'm not sure how I'm still going through the motions, but I'm trying to carry on to avoid hospitalisation. I know that the second I lose control or cease to function, that's where I'll end up. Not the worst thing in the world, but it's not what I planned. I'm kind of in the middle of things, you know? Lol. I think if things haven't looked up by the semester break, then I could defer a semester and do what I need to do more intensively then, but I hate interruptions, so I'll try to keep it together for as long as I can.

Fuck, all of that sounds bleak as hell, but it's been considerably worse in the past. I'm just stupidly tired. No sleep and all that makes one a bit weird. Anyways, I hope that you all are doing better than I am :)

So, it's not "yesterday" as such (see previous entry for context), but here I am nonetheless. 

I met with my new psychiatrist (just typing that makes me feel crazy) on Wednesday and had what felt like a billion hour conversation. All of the background stuff, etc, etc...Pretty much talked about everything that has ever happened in my life. I hate that stuff. Anyway, long story short, he agrees with the diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD, AKA Melancholic Depression), and said that he was running through a list of symptoms and behaviours in his head as we were talking and thought that Borderline Personality Disorder fit the bill also.

I'm not so sure how I feel about this new label. Not that it doesn't fit stupidly well: Chronic sense of emptiness and distance, alternating between idealising and demonising significant people in one's life i.e. unstable interpersonal relationships, treating one's body particularly badly for no real reason, unstable self-image, impulsivity....The list goes on for quite a long way and it does, objectively, make a lot of sense. I really have always felt different from other people (not that I know how other people feel, of course), and have kind of always thought that my emotions -- such as they are -- are different, or appear different from those of other people...For example, I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a terribly empathetic person...Which makes me sound awful...But over time I have managed to learn appropriate social responses and have learned how to behave empathetically. Which makes me sound like a sociopath, lol, which I'm fairly sure I'm not. I've just never felt particularly close to many people, always kind of felt like a bit of an outsider for no real reason...It's not like I've ever behaved in a peculiar way to distance myself from other people, it's just that I've never really felt like I fit in. Like I'm kind of an impostor...I can behave the right way and I can say the right things, but I don't know that they come from a genuine place. Which also makes me sound like an asshole...Which sometimes I am because I'm not always affected by things that other people do or say. Or feel. 

Wow. This is turning into a weird, windy and polluted stream of thought. Let's end that, shall we?

Anyway, my new doctor (whose first name is Clayton, believe it or not) has suggested that I do a year course of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) in both individual and group settings. Again, makes me feel crazier than I am. Fuck, I hate group therapy...I always have. I never know what to do or say. There's no manual for how one should behave in those situations. Anyway, I may be mistaken, but to me, judging by what I've read recently, DBT sounds like an emotional shock-collar. No, you can't do or say this or that because it's not how other people behave. I'm not a child and I don't really need to be treated like one. But, I guess if this thing is going to be at all useful, it's going to help with how I conduct myself in relationships (I have a stunningly bad track record here...They're going to leave you anyway so take control and make them hate you. Healthy) because at this rate I'm never going to be emotionally equipped to be someone's partner and/or, eventually, someone's parent. And I can't stand the thought of destroying my own family.

As I'm sure you can see that I'm vacillating between this being a decent diagnosis and it being a misguided one. I don't really know how to feel or what to think about the whole thing...I don't know what I should do or should be doing. I don't know much about much right now.

Also I started on a new medication called Lamictal. It's primarily used as an anticonvulsant to treat epileptics, but it's off-label use is as a mood stabiliser. The off-label thing means it's not covered by the PBS and therefore it's stupidly expensive. Anyway, not much in the way of side effects right now save for stunning headaches and the weirdest, most vivid dreams I think I've ever had. The doctor said it should help me sleep, too, but no evidence of that so far. As the dose increases there will probably be cognitive difficulties like memory problems, slowed thinking (good for the racing thoughts, but not good for productivity), lack of focus etc etc. This is lovingly known as "The Stupids". I'm not looking forward to that. Anyway, I'm going to give this whole thing one good, proper try. I guess I owe myself that much.

Hope you all are well xox

Holy crap, I've been busy, lol.

Finished that 1000 word assignment and managed to hand it in (only a day late) and I handed in my 2000 word paper for Modern Irish Literature today. So busy. And so exhausted.

Really haven't had much time to sit lately, just so busy with uni and appointments here and there.

Got an appointment tomorrow morning with a private psychiatrist. Oh, what a treat *sarcasm*. He comes highly recommended by my doctor who referred me, so I feel alright about that, but the whole thing is so expensive. Seriously, I might as well become a shrink myself...This guy is $350 per hour. Thanks God for medicare, which should take care of about 2/3 of the cost. Eventually. I'm not happy about how this is going to eat into my savings, either, but I guess that's what that money is there for. Urgh. One session with this guy costs more than my stupidly expensive new coat...Which I haven't even been able to wear yet...OK, no more talking about the money. It's starting to make me feel nauseous.

I really haven't been up to much else...

I saw Henry Rollins talk on stage for three hours on Friday :) He's too good, really. Extremely intelligent and hilarious. I can't believe I don't have a single one of his books...Should rectify this ASAP. And Saturday, even though I should have been working on my essay/studying, my brother and I went with our dad on a ghost tour. Hurrah. Much walking, interesting stories, weird as hell tour guide, but all in all, not that bad.

Anyway, just a quick update to let you all know I'm still here, lol, and I'll probably let you know how everything goes tomorrow...Woo.

Good thing I never expected my life to be easy or straight-forward.

Going back to my doctor today for a referral to a private psychiatrist (so I don't have to keep going back and forth from GP to shrink) and/or for a referral to a private hospital. 

I've been dealing with these really rapid, stupidly intense mood swings. I go from feeling crap but functional and stable to feeling desperately bad in minutes. All day is like this. I don't have any mania, which is good, but it would be nice to break up the picture a bit, lol. It's becoming increasingly clear that my medication isn't working and shit's been all fucked up since I had to take the five day course of Zyprexa. I've never had mood swings like this before and I'm struggling.

I have assignments due this week which I haven't done. I have readings to do which I can't sit still long enough to do. It's all of a sudden so hard to focus on a thought or a conversation...It takes so much effort to connect thoughts together to make them seem logical when they come out of my mouth...Which makes me seem like a crazy person, lol. 

I know I don't have to sort everything out right this minute and things will be fine once I have a proper plan in place, but I feel like I'm at a loose end and I don't know what to do. I keep sitting with this assignment and it's making me crazy, knowing that if I was feeling alright I'd have had it done, from scratch, yesterday, ready to hand in today. It's only 1000 words, for fuck's sake.

I wish I didn't feel so erratic and disorganised. I'm not used to that. I don't like how unpredictable this whole thing has become. I wish I could just get something done. It's going to be a long and interesting day.

I'll keep you guys updated as to what happens next xx

Ladies and gents, it's been a rough couple of weeks. And an even worse few days. Everything's OK(ish), though, so don't worry too much.

My mood has taken a pretty serious downward turn over the past fortnight or so and over the last week or so it's gotten much worse. The day before yesterday was not a highlight for me. Long story short, without going into all of the crazy details, my mum made an emergency doctor's appointment and I've been prescribed a five day course of Zyprexa. My dose of SSRIs has been upped again from 40 mg to 60. According to my doctor, that's quite high. According to the doctor I saw at the Black Dog Institute, 40-60 mg is fairly common. I'm not super worried about it.

Hilariously enough, I'm not super worried about anything right now.

Yesterday morning was rough as hell. Or early afternoon, rather, because I slept all the way through the morning, lol. I got up and shambled around the place like a zombie and when I spoke it felt and sounded like I drunk person trying to appear sober. Very precise and slow. That all went back to normal a little later with the application of time, sugar and caffeine. This morning the effects weren't so bad, though I did fall over once. 

Thos couldn't happen at a worse time, though. I have so much stuff due for uni, it's not even funny. Group work, readings, essays, the whole nine. I feel like I'm not learning or achieving anything. I was so sure that I was going to wind up in a hospital a couple of days ago...I just couldn't keep it together. All I could think about was maybe having to defer this semester and wind up doing something part time. I hate thinking like that, but I hate even more that the longer this goes on and the worse it gets, the more that this full-on stuff -- these "solutions" -- are on the horizon...Hospitalisation, more/different drugs, more therapy, EC, etc etc etc...This is not fun for me.

And the longer it goes on, the less I feel inclined to continue. I don't want my whole life to be like this. I mean, I don't want it to be dead easy and cruisy, of course, I don't have that expectation, but it surely can't be like this forever. I don't want to end up being some horribly damaged person who's unable to live independently or have any semblance of a proper, adult life. I feel like I'm going to be trapped inside this illness forever.

Anyway. I'm glad I'm not going to be on the Zyprexa forever because it has some fucked up side effects; inability to regulate and maintain body temperature, sensitivity to sunlight, massive weight gain, etc, etc, etc. I'm just not interested. I mean, I know that my meds may have to be augmented with an antipsychotic at some point, but I have no interest in something that's going to make me stack on weight. I know it sounds shallow in the face of everything else I'm dealing with right now, but I'd rather be crazy than fat.

Urgh, whatever. Hope you guys are doing better than I am xox

So, got the results of my third (and hopefully last) blood test and it looks like most things are normal. The weird thyroid function is the same, my cortisol is really high, and my levels of prolactin (some hormone that regulates the immune system) are high also. Dr Moppet said today that the high levels of cortisol are pretty much in keeping with having a severe mood disorder -- the levels are much higher in the mornings which is why depressed people tend to feel worse in the mornings with fluctuation of their moods throughout the day. So, nothing we didn't already know.

Now, here comes the fun; the prolactin is high, though not super high, and as a result, the good doctor wants me to have a CT scan "on the centre of your brain" (his words). He also suggested that I do it tomorrow, but I'm doing it Friday morning because tomorrow's a busy day. Naturally I asked what the point of the scan was and he said that the high prolactin and weird thyroid stuff might be as a result of something weird going on with my pituitary gland. Like, in his words, "maybe a little tumour." Now, he did say that it's most likely to be nothing, as these things are fairly rare, but it could account for the strange stuff going on and it's best to be thorough, which I agree with. And, if it is something, I might need a little minor surgery to deal with the tumour. But again, he said it's unlikely but it's best to check.

Fortunately the pituitary gland is brain-adjacent real estate, not in the brain proper, and they go in through the nose or upper lip, rather than in through the brain, so that's all good. Whether there's anything there or not remains to be seen after the scan on Friday, and I'll go back to the doctor for the results after that and try to work this whole thing through. 

I'm not as worried as I could be...I think that has something to do with the medication -- it doesn't let me be as anxious as I might otherwise be if I wasn't in treatment, but also having had a quick Google, I've been able to allay my fears about long, arduous hospital stays, shaved heads and staples in the scalp. Fortunately, even if there is something there, it's not going to be anywhere near that dramatic, for which I am eternally grateful.

Anyway, thought I'd keep you cats abreast of the action since you've all been so good to me with your comments and kind words and thoughts. I'm so grateful to have you guys around for all of that, even just in an online capacity. Makes life much smoother when you realises that there are people out there who give a shit and like you even without having met you. It's kind of nice.

xx

So, because I'm lucky, I've been having a few blood tests done alongside taking medication and going through therapy so the doctors can be sure that what I'm dealing with is indeed a mood disorder and not something that looks like a mood disorder but isn't.

Originally, my doctor got me to have a regular blood test, nothing fancy, just to check if there were any deficiencies I had that could have caused or played a part in my depression (I'm sure I've said this already, so I'll condense as much as I can), so got the results back and found that there was something off about my thyroid function. Now, they measure three things and one is the hormone that the brain produces which tells the thyroid what to do and the lowest level in the normal range is 0.35. For this test, mine was 0.01. The other two things on the test were perfectly fine. Naturally Dr Moppet wanted me to have another test done, the results of which I got back today, and this number rose a tiny bot to 0.09, but it's still too low to be completely fine. Again, everything else is in the normal range. So, tomorrow morning I'm having another (!!!) test done that will measure, among other things, the levels of cortisol in my system. Now, unbeknownst to me until today, cortisol levels fluctuate during the day and naturally they want to get the best reading for the test, right? So, I have to have this blood test done BEFORE 9 am! My eyes are just opening between 10 and 11 ack-emma, and tomorrow I have to be out of bed, with clothes on and be heading out the door at about 8:30 or so, so I'm at the path lab as early as is possible (not as early as is convenient, lol) so everything will be right for the test. At least I'll get some coffee.

Now, the reason I'm having this test done is because they think it might not necessarily be my thyroid after all. Judging by the results of the last two tests, and because everything else was perfectly fine, the doctor has reason to believe that the problem may be autoimmune, not hormonal, so tomorrow I'm being tested for a slew of autoimmune diseases including, but not limited to, Lupus and Hashimoto's. I immediately thought of House, "It's never Lupus." Both of these diseases can affect a person neurologically, that is, can cause problems like mood or (sometimes) personality disorders. My depression may actually be caused by something other than bodgy brain chemistry...It might not be, lol, of course, and everything might be the same, just with a new illness to deal with, but this might be fixable. I'm not counting my chickens, but who knows? I don't know how I'd feel if the depression could be explained away, either...I'm not sure who I really am without it, I've been dealing with it on and off for so long (episodic...Like Lupus ;)).

Anyway, that's about that. Not much else has been happening, more than anything else I've just been making and keeping appointments, lol. The Dr Moppet suggested that this could be my new hobby. I told him the tests are just a ruse, I'm actually planning to open my own pathology lab and I just like to steal the vacutainers ;)

Hope you're all well xox