I should stop apologising for not posting more frequently, I mean, I really do have quite a lot on my plate right now, but really, sorry :) I hate not being as regularly online as I normally am. I just have no focus, drive or any type of concentration right now. Urgh.

Anyway, saw the new doctor the day before last (Wednesday) to check in about the many and various (OK, only two) medications and to see where stuff is kind of headed. A new drug has been thrown into the mix, Seroquel, and I'm not totally down with that. I've been on Seroquel before and while it does have its pros, and it really does, the cons are irritating, too. For example, dry mouth; doesn't sound that serious at all, and ordinarily it'd be completely manageable, but because my antidepressant also causes dry mouth, I almost literally have no spit. None. I could try to spit at someone and they'd end up being covered in a light sheen of dust. DUST. Seroquel is also known to cause weight gain (not as badly as Zyprexa), which I'm not at all comfortable with because I have a thing about weight (believe it or not), and I often go through cycles of eating normally and then cycles of disordered eating patterns. I feel like gaining some weight wouldn't be awful, but a lot would be problematic. I guess that's a wait-and-see type thing. Ideally it ought to be helping me sleep, but so far, no good. Seroquel combined with Lamictal should put me completely out, lol, but it's all still settling down. I can take 25-50 mg, so I guess I'll see what's what with the 50 mg before I get too worried about it. I'll just have to make sure I don't have anything important to do the following day, lol. I guess the point of the Seroquel is that it kind of keeps things together a bit...I've been on it in the past and it slowed down the self-injury thing quite a bit and made some room for me to get through it, which I (mostly) appreciated. So, everything is kind of contained right now which is a good/bad thing. I can maybe get some shit done, but also emoting is a little problematic because I've been rendered docile by the medication. Not happy, don't get confused, but just made more quiet. Not a lot of fun, but I guess it could be worse. The Lamictal is going fine. The dose has increased from 50 to 75 mg, and it's not that bad. Causes the weirdest fucking dreams I think I've ever had. Honestly, some weird shit has been going on. Also, Lamictal tastes kind of blackberry-ish, so that's not bad, either.

As for all the uni stuff, I'm just hanging in there by the skin of my teeth. I'm still going, but doing any work is damn near impossible, which is a downer, what with having to do assessments and all, but it keeps me occupied and I've been aware or ages that I don't do well at all in an unstructured environment. Today I've applied for Special Consideration (ooh, fancy) to get some deadlines extended. I have an assignment due on Monday (yeah, yeah, poor student trying to shirk due dates, lol) which I've not at all been able to focus on or give any thought to. I can get an extension up to 20 days, so that should allow for things to settle down and stuff. I guess, failing that, I could get a DNF (Discontinue Not Fail) to avoid failing anything and having that both on my transcript and in my head, but that's kind of last resort sort of stuff, so I'll wait it out.

Nothing much besides the above has been happening...I guess I mostly spend my time being unwell and trying to keep my head above water. It's exhausting as hell and I'm not sure how I'm still going through the motions, but I'm trying to carry on to avoid hospitalisation. I know that the second I lose control or cease to function, that's where I'll end up. Not the worst thing in the world, but it's not what I planned. I'm kind of in the middle of things, you know? Lol. I think if things haven't looked up by the semester break, then I could defer a semester and do what I need to do more intensively then, but I hate interruptions, so I'll try to keep it together for as long as I can.

Fuck, all of that sounds bleak as hell, but it's been considerably worse in the past. I'm just stupidly tired. No sleep and all that makes one a bit weird. Anyways, I hope that you all are doing better than I am :)

So, got the results of my third (and hopefully last) blood test and it looks like most things are normal. The weird thyroid function is the same, my cortisol is really high, and my levels of prolactin (some hormone that regulates the immune system) are high also. Dr Moppet said today that the high levels of cortisol are pretty much in keeping with having a severe mood disorder -- the levels are much higher in the mornings which is why depressed people tend to feel worse in the mornings with fluctuation of their moods throughout the day. So, nothing we didn't already know.

Now, here comes the fun; the prolactin is high, though not super high, and as a result, the good doctor wants me to have a CT scan "on the centre of your brain" (his words). He also suggested that I do it tomorrow, but I'm doing it Friday morning because tomorrow's a busy day. Naturally I asked what the point of the scan was and he said that the high prolactin and weird thyroid stuff might be as a result of something weird going on with my pituitary gland. Like, in his words, "maybe a little tumour." Now, he did say that it's most likely to be nothing, as these things are fairly rare, but it could account for the strange stuff going on and it's best to be thorough, which I agree with. And, if it is something, I might need a little minor surgery to deal with the tumour. But again, he said it's unlikely but it's best to check.

Fortunately the pituitary gland is brain-adjacent real estate, not in the brain proper, and they go in through the nose or upper lip, rather than in through the brain, so that's all good. Whether there's anything there or not remains to be seen after the scan on Friday, and I'll go back to the doctor for the results after that and try to work this whole thing through. 

I'm not as worried as I could be...I think that has something to do with the medication -- it doesn't let me be as anxious as I might otherwise be if I wasn't in treatment, but also having had a quick Google, I've been able to allay my fears about long, arduous hospital stays, shaved heads and staples in the scalp. Fortunately, even if there is something there, it's not going to be anywhere near that dramatic, for which I am eternally grateful.

Anyway, thought I'd keep you cats abreast of the action since you've all been so good to me with your comments and kind words and thoughts. I'm so grateful to have you guys around for all of that, even just in an online capacity. Makes life much smoother when you realises that there are people out there who give a shit and like you even without having met you. It's kind of nice.

xx

So, because I'm lucky, I've been having a few blood tests done alongside taking medication and going through therapy so the doctors can be sure that what I'm dealing with is indeed a mood disorder and not something that looks like a mood disorder but isn't.

Originally, my doctor got me to have a regular blood test, nothing fancy, just to check if there were any deficiencies I had that could have caused or played a part in my depression (I'm sure I've said this already, so I'll condense as much as I can), so got the results back and found that there was something off about my thyroid function. Now, they measure three things and one is the hormone that the brain produces which tells the thyroid what to do and the lowest level in the normal range is 0.35. For this test, mine was 0.01. The other two things on the test were perfectly fine. Naturally Dr Moppet wanted me to have another test done, the results of which I got back today, and this number rose a tiny bot to 0.09, but it's still too low to be completely fine. Again, everything else is in the normal range. So, tomorrow morning I'm having another (!!!) test done that will measure, among other things, the levels of cortisol in my system. Now, unbeknownst to me until today, cortisol levels fluctuate during the day and naturally they want to get the best reading for the test, right? So, I have to have this blood test done BEFORE 9 am! My eyes are just opening between 10 and 11 ack-emma, and tomorrow I have to be out of bed, with clothes on and be heading out the door at about 8:30 or so, so I'm at the path lab as early as is possible (not as early as is convenient, lol) so everything will be right for the test. At least I'll get some coffee.

Now, the reason I'm having this test done is because they think it might not necessarily be my thyroid after all. Judging by the results of the last two tests, and because everything else was perfectly fine, the doctor has reason to believe that the problem may be autoimmune, not hormonal, so tomorrow I'm being tested for a slew of autoimmune diseases including, but not limited to, Lupus and Hashimoto's. I immediately thought of House, "It's never Lupus." Both of these diseases can affect a person neurologically, that is, can cause problems like mood or (sometimes) personality disorders. My depression may actually be caused by something other than bodgy brain chemistry...It might not be, lol, of course, and everything might be the same, just with a new illness to deal with, but this might be fixable. I'm not counting my chickens, but who knows? I don't know how I'd feel if the depression could be explained away, either...I'm not sure who I really am without it, I've been dealing with it on and off for so long (episodic...Like Lupus ;)).

Anyway, that's about that. Not much else has been happening, more than anything else I've just been making and keeping appointments, lol. The Dr Moppet suggested that this could be my new hobby. I told him the tests are just a ruse, I'm actually planning to open my own pathology lab and I just like to steal the vacutainers ;)

Hope you're all well xox

Where to even begin?

So, over the last...while...my usually cynical and churlish disposish has sunken into something a little more grave. Panic attacks (had one on a train the other day. Not much fun), sleeplessness and the whole thing. Decided to speak to a doctor about it (his name is Mossop, but I keep hearing Moppet) and went through the whole medical history and the remaining nine yards.

Prozac (Lovan) for the depression/anxiety, Temazepam for the insomnia and a healthy dose of talking shit out. Hence the appointment with a shrink at 1 pm today. Lucky me. 

Considering this is the third reasonably severe episode I've had (I decided to do something about this one before shit really hit the fan), and considering that my mood does take regular fierce downturns, the doctor is wondering if I should be on SSRIs indefinitely or if I should move to a mood stabiliser. Now, I've been on meds before and intellectually I don't have any real problem with this idea -- medication has worked for me in the past, no doubt it will now -- but the idea of being on something forever is a bit startling. Uncomfortable, even. I mean, of course it says nothing about who I am as a person and all of that palaver, but there's still that thing that people have about mental illnesses ("people" includes me too sometimes) that appears to speak about one's sense of control or something. I hate that this is the one thing about myself that I can't control. Nothing I can do about it...Just wired this way. Again, intellectually I have no issue with it, c'est la vie, but I really am an enormous control freak and I can't bear to have this thing always hanging over me.

I suppose it's better to be on a longer course of treatment than to always have the rug snatched out from under you, which is usually what happens to me, lol. Can't really make any serious progress in life or enjoy anything because you know it won't last. The black dog will be back and one day he might bring friends. Wow. Dramatic. 

First dose of the SSRI this morning. I feel OK thusly, just a bit shaky. Still anxious about having to see a therapist today -- I'm not really one for talking, believe it or not -- but it really can't hurt. I do kind of think that therapy is more useful if you're trying to work through something that's occurring as a result of past problems in your life (abuse, grief etc), but I wonder how well it's going to work with me, considering that there genuinely is nothing wrong with my life and there never really has been...I've never been abused or maltreated, never neglected or molested...My life is pretty much textbook middle class, lol, but that's alright. I'm sure I'll dredge up something interesting to talk about.

As long as ECT (shock treatment) is never on the cards, I shall push forth.

Hoping you all are well x