Where to even begin?
So, over the last...while...my usually cynical and churlish disposish has sunken into something a little more grave. Panic attacks (had one on a train the other day. Not much fun), sleeplessness and the whole thing. Decided to speak to a doctor about it (his name is Mossop, but I keep hearing Moppet) and went through the whole medical history and the remaining nine yards.
Prozac (Lovan) for the depression/anxiety, Temazepam for the insomnia and a healthy dose of talking shit out. Hence the appointment with a shrink at 1 pm today. Lucky me.
Considering this is the third reasonably severe episode I've had (I decided to do something about this one before shit really hit the fan), and considering that my mood does take regular fierce downturns, the doctor is wondering if I should be on SSRIs indefinitely or if I should move to a mood stabiliser. Now, I've been on meds before and intellectually I don't have any real problem with this idea -- medication has worked for me in the past, no doubt it will now -- but the idea of being on something forever is a bit startling. Uncomfortable, even. I mean, of course it says nothing about who I am as a person and all of that palaver, but there's still that thing that people have about mental illnesses ("people" includes me too sometimes) that appears to speak about one's sense of control or something. I hate that this is the one thing about myself that I can't control. Nothing I can do about it...Just wired this way. Again, intellectually I have no issue with it, c'est la vie, but I really am an enormous control freak and I can't bear to have this thing always hanging over me.
I suppose it's better to be on a longer course of treatment than to always have the rug snatched out from under you, which is usually what happens to me, lol. Can't really make any serious progress in life or enjoy anything because you know it won't last. The black dog will be back and one day he might bring friends. Wow. Dramatic.
First dose of the SSRI this morning. I feel OK thusly, just a bit shaky. Still anxious about having to see a therapist today -- I'm not really one for talking, believe it or not -- but it really can't hurt. I do kind of think that therapy is more useful if you're trying to work through something that's occurring as a result of past problems in your life (abuse, grief etc), but I wonder how well it's going to work with me, considering that there genuinely is nothing wrong with my life and there never really has been...I've never been abused or maltreated, never neglected or molested...My life is pretty much textbook middle class, lol, but that's alright. I'm sure I'll dredge up something interesting to talk about.
As long as ECT (shock treatment) is never on the cards, I shall push forth.
Hoping you all are well x
So, over the last...while...my usually cynical and churlish disposish has sunken into something a little more grave. Panic attacks (had one on a train the other day. Not much fun), sleeplessness and the whole thing. Decided to speak to a doctor about it (his name is Mossop, but I keep hearing Moppet) and went through the whole medical history and the remaining nine yards.
Prozac (Lovan) for the depression/anxiety, Temazepam for the insomnia and a healthy dose of talking shit out. Hence the appointment with a shrink at 1 pm today. Lucky me.
Considering this is the third reasonably severe episode I've had (I decided to do something about this one before shit really hit the fan), and considering that my mood does take regular fierce downturns, the doctor is wondering if I should be on SSRIs indefinitely or if I should move to a mood stabiliser. Now, I've been on meds before and intellectually I don't have any real problem with this idea -- medication has worked for me in the past, no doubt it will now -- but the idea of being on something forever is a bit startling. Uncomfortable, even. I mean, of course it says nothing about who I am as a person and all of that palaver, but there's still that thing that people have about mental illnesses ("people" includes me too sometimes) that appears to speak about one's sense of control or something. I hate that this is the one thing about myself that I can't control. Nothing I can do about it...Just wired this way. Again, intellectually I have no issue with it, c'est la vie, but I really am an enormous control freak and I can't bear to have this thing always hanging over me.
I suppose it's better to be on a longer course of treatment than to always have the rug snatched out from under you, which is usually what happens to me, lol. Can't really make any serious progress in life or enjoy anything because you know it won't last. The black dog will be back and one day he might bring friends. Wow. Dramatic.
First dose of the SSRI this morning. I feel OK thusly, just a bit shaky. Still anxious about having to see a therapist today -- I'm not really one for talking, believe it or not -- but it really can't hurt. I do kind of think that therapy is more useful if you're trying to work through something that's occurring as a result of past problems in your life (abuse, grief etc), but I wonder how well it's going to work with me, considering that there genuinely is nothing wrong with my life and there never really has been...I've never been abused or maltreated, never neglected or molested...My life is pretty much textbook middle class, lol, but that's alright. I'm sure I'll dredge up something interesting to talk about.
As long as ECT (shock treatment) is never on the cards, I shall push forth.
Hoping you all are well x