It's been a deeply frustrating week, my friends, but I'm hoping it's only hormonal and that it will pass....Or I'll die.

This month it's two and a half years since I've been involved with anyone....No relationships, no making out, no sex. No "romantic" contact whatsoever. And usually I'm OK with that - I've been more focused than I ever have before and I think that's, in some way, because I'm not involved with anyone and so I don't have to focus on or give my energy to anyone but me. And as I say, usually that's perfectly fine...Sometimes the want for sex arises and I deal with it like most single people do (if you catch my drift, lol), but for the past week or so it's been absolutely out of sight...I mean, to the point where I'm at uni thinking, "Nice rack", "sweet ass", "gorgeous legs" and on and on it goes. I can't focus on anything and my mind is being interrupted by both day dreams and the regular night ones...The difference being the night dreams come (ahem) with their very own happy endings. Now, I certainly don't mind that from time to time (I don't know anyone who does) and it's nice to know that those kinds of dreams aren't a strictly male phenomena, lol...But for God's sake, enough!!

Good lord...

I was telling a friend of mine (a friend who seems to have a ready supply of booty for times such as these) about how long it's been and she informed me that she'd be sobbing if she hadn't had sex in as long as I have. Truthfully, a few days ago I nearly did cry, lol. Sad.

I think this...Hiatus...Is semi-intentional. I was previously getting involved with people who I knew were bad for me, or just getting involved because they were there and were going to give me what I wanted. I've always kind of just had sex on tap and never really gave it a thought, you know? But after a while it stopped being a good thing...It kind of became a thing that I needed because I didn't really feel that I had much else to offer in my relationships, I couldn't give much of myself, you know, but I could give sex...Healthy. So, anyways, I've stepped well away from that whole thing and for a while I was totally not in the mood for any kind of physical relationship due to a depressive episode, and then I was working towards getting into uni, so my energies were focussed elsewhere and I wasn't interested, and then....Well, I guess I've just been out of the game (in all arenas) for so long, a relationship or sex just hasn't been registering with me until pretty recently.

Lol, I've just read over this entry and realised that it's not hanging together terribly well...You'll have to excuse me, lol, my mind is elsewhere.

I don't know. Anyway, so I wasn't treating myself or the people around me terribly well, so I moved away from that whole thing...Now it's been so long that it's not actually entirely about sex anymore...And I hate to be this person...I hate to have to admit this to myself, let alone to anyone else...I'm lonely. I miss being in a relationship. I miss being with another person and creating a space where I don't have to be on top all the time (sometimes would be nice ;)), where I don't have to be in control of everything and be so uptight and neurotic all the time...Gruh. But, I guess the thing is that I really believe that when I am who and where I need to be, I will find someone who gets it and who gets me. I want it to be natural and organic....I don't want to have a short, torrid affair with someone I met in a club, you know? 

Anyways....Until that time comes, I'll be doing what I've done for the last few days - hunting around for Alex/Olivia fanfiction and watching too much porn, lol.

Dang. Stupid need for human contact. 

P.S. What's that thing they say? "Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder"? I'm pretty sure it's not the heart that abstinence affects....