I'm not actually dead.

Life has been interesting lately...Started this DBT therapy group and have a new individual therapist (who I'm not sure I like), so that's been keeping me busy. The group is at a nearby (mental) hospital that deals with both in- and outpatients, which is, mercifully, within walking distance of my house, so I'm not going to complain about that too much. This lovely fun stuff happens on Tuesdays, 9:30-2:30, and then I trek out to Bondi (yes, home of the famous beach) to see this inordinately expensive woman ($220 per hour!). She's really not bad at all when it comes to her practice -- clearly she knows what she's doing and she comes very highly recommended -- but she looks uncannily like my ex-stepmother and that really throws me. I mean, the woman was a nut...Still is...and unabashedly so, so seeing someone who looks remarkably like her in a therapeutic context is more than a little unsettling.

As for the situation with my meds, my Psychiatrist and I are both comfortable with how things are going so far. No horrible side-effects (aside from tremours and the driest dry-mouth ever), so I'm not unhappy with that, and the moodstabilisers are doing just fine, so I can't complain about that either. It's a nice change, I must admit, to not be horribly suicidal or wishing to do terrible damage to myself. I'd forgotten what a little bit of stability is like...It also made me acutely aware of how bad things have been and for how long. I'm not sure when the last time I've felt like this was. I mean, don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect and I'm not about to pretend that they are, but things are settling down and I have the room to be a lot more objective when it comes to my moods and behaviours. I'm much more firmly in the driver's seat here. Most pleased.

I'm on break from uni which ends July 30th. Fortunately my classes don't start until the 1st, so I have a little time beforehand to get my book together. My classes this semester fall mostly on one day, Wednesday, which is cool, since I don't have to do much running around the place. Originally I was in the Wednesday DBT group because it clashed with last semester's timetable, but I asked if I could be moved to the Tuesday group to avoid clashing with classes for this semester. I was surprised at how easy it was and how easy-going the people who run the program are...They just slotted me right in with no problem at all. There was a vacancy in that group for that day, so it all worked in my favour. So, aside from doing these various and sundry therapy-type things, I really haven't been up to much. Lots of staying in bed until 2pm, not a lot of set routine lately, which is making me a bit stir crazy. Today, for example, I went to my appointment in Bondi and got home to be greeted by an empty house...I knew that sitting around doing more of nothing would make me a little nuts, so I -- and no one is more shocked than I am -- did a load of washing, dealt with the dishwasher, put the rubbish out and cleaned my room. And I mean, really cleaned it...My desk actually looks like a desk, now, rather than a precariously piled book mountain topped with my Mac. It has a flat surface and everything. Had to Tetris some of my books onto my shelves (definitely out of shelf space now), but all in all, not too shabby. Must say, though, it's a weird feeling to be sitting at a desk...I'm also aware of how strange that feeling is...Heaps of people sit at desks all the time and do so with very little to do...

There's really not much else that requires a mention at this point. My life is fairly unremarkable...Even I find me boring.

I trust you are all well xx

So, poppets, I'm housesitting for the next few days (because I'm lucky). M and V are going to visit M's parents and they needed, as usual, someone to watch the remaining pup (LuDog) and the cats. So, as I say, here I am until about midmorning on Sunday. No worries.

The medication has settled down to the point where I don't really have to worry about side-effects and things like that (the tremors have settled down, mostly), but now everything's kind of moving into the maintenance phase where it all just falls into place and I'd kind of forgotten about this bit...The real effect of the medication...I have no emotions. My affect is almost completely flat. Sure, there's respite from the crippling depression -- in the fetal position, marinading in my own pain -- and I'm grateful for that, really, but there's just something that's strange about not really feeling anything. I mean, my emotions have never really been up and down, there's not a lot of fluctuation, but there's some movement, you know? For a decent example, I went and saw David Sedaris (got tickets for Christmas) on Monday night, and he was pretty good, told some interesting jokes, cool anecdotes, and I was surrounded by people who were laughing and enjoying themselves, and I had nothing. I understood the jokes, of course, and intellectually I found them amusing, but emotionally I really didn't have a huge connection to his act and I found that more distracting than worrying. Because worry would be an emotion ;)

Had the worst morning...I got a call from my shrink's office telling me my 1:30 appointment got pushed back to 2:30, and they felt that they had to call me to tell me this at some stupid hour of the morning. Before 9, lol. I went back to sleep for an hour or so and I got another call from the Black Dog Institute during which a lady whose name escapes me informed me of what I had to do and what the process was going to be. I have an appointment to go to the institute at 8:45 ack-emma *gags* on February first to meet with another shrink whence I'll complete a total assessment. Urgh. Tiring, time consuming, irritating. There was an online component, too, which I did today before I forgot about it, and there's some paperwork that I had to print out and fill in, which I did too, lest I forget. I'm going to review it when I get home and see if I should redo it, but so far so good. 

Had a long lesson in mindfulness today with my shrink. I've had some experience with mindfulness before, but I've never been too successful with it. Partly because of lack of effort on my part and also because my thoughts sometimes come through really fast and it's hard to stay on top of it all, so it's just easier -- though not smarter -- to just let them take over. So, I'm committing myself to the process and am going to get the hang of this cognition therapy if it kills me. It just might, if all sessions are as irritating as today's, lol. I don't know...I still feel that it's all a bit 'crunchy-granola,' as my mum would say, but the techniques work and there's plenty of evidence to prove it, I just need to accept it and commit to it. Good luck, what?

By and large, I'm doing alright. Not perfect, but I don't need an intervention or anything like that, lol. As I said, I feel flat, but OK. I'm just going to hang in there and see how it all plays out over the next few days. It'll be fine. Surely.

Hoping you all are well xox

So, second appointment with Dr. Moppet was at 3 pm today. He ran late. I was annoyed.

He asked about how I was doing. I hate that question...How are you ever supposed to respond without sounding like a drama queen?! I told him the truth; I feel more composed than I did last week (no tears today, thankfully), but my mood is really, really flat and low overall, and the anxiety is still present all the time. No panic attacks over this week, but being able to feel it all the time really puts the kibosh on one's plans for eating, sleeping and/or going outside, all of which I have to do but currently loathe. But, so far, so good. I am not yet swinging from the rafters, so I'll call it successful for the mo'. 

I saw the shrink last week, too, and will again tomorrow. We talked for a therapist's hour (the irritating and always insufficient 45-55 minutes) about my history with depression (pretty much my whole life) and anxiety (ditto), about previous medications and hospitalisation. Really a fun conversation to be having all at once. Really. I understand that tomorrow we'll be talking about my family. Oh, Lord. This is all groundwork, of course, because the real work will be done with DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), about which I know almost nothing (djcliche, I'm looking at you for help on this one ;)), but I've got some experience with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, so hopefully that'll put me in good stead. I will, apparently, need a notebook (purchased) for 'homework'. Now, I don't like doing homework for things I really have to do, like uni, but, I'll do my darndest and try not to get my back up about it all. Rani (the shrink) wanted me to get a referral for an assessment at The Black Dog Institute (http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/), an Australian institute that studies and helps to treat and provide support for people who deal with depression and bipolar disorder. I think the whole idea about this assessment is to get some more information for Rani, but also to provide a second opinion and to recommend further treatment. I don't like doing those assessment things (I've done one or two in the past ;)) because I find it hard to name my emotions...Or have many, lol. I hate but can name extreme emotions, but not your more average, everyday ones; to me they're 'fine' and 'flat' and 'OK', but none of that really tells anyone anything.

So for now, that's about it. I really haven't been doing much else. I'm grateful that I feel less completely shattered than I did because that's almost impossible to deal with long term, but I'm still trying to figure out what I have to do about this thing in the longer term because melancholic depression (my diagnonsense) is more biologically based and so needs a biological treatment -- like medication -- rather than therapy. So I kind of feel like the therapy is a bit pointless, but I guess that's more to do with my previous experience with it when I was in high school...I pretty much just played along because I wanted the treatment to end. I endeavour to make a more concerted effort this time, but my hopes still aren't radically high because I don't really feel like there's much to be spoken about...Addictions and control issues aside, of course. 

I hope this all made sense, lol. Turned into a bit of a vent there, I think. I hope you guys are all doing well and thanks to those of you who sent me kind words and words of advice xx