There's this certain moment im the mornings, when my alarm goes off and I'm just gaining consciousness that I just get super vulnerable and all I can think is, this is my life. Working for shit, being alone. Every day, day after day, for months, years. And the prospect of finding someone else is just impossible and getting another job is impossible and I feel like my existence is futile. Bangor holds nothing for me. Limited circle of men and jobs. I need to move but can't.
Also, real thing: finding an attractive guy that holds the same interests as I do. Like, I'm cosplaying in June. I enjoy reading more than anything else. I love movies, tv shows, and playing video games. I am a suuuuuuuper nerd. Like I am obsessed with Doctor Who, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and more. I also like to workout, eat well, spend time outside, etc. Finding someone on the same level as me on more than one front is nigh impossible.
I miss Daniel. He was pretty much all of these things and if he wasn't, he supported me anyway, no matter what. Sigh.
Why can't it be easy? Sever all connections and feelings. Nope, done, ties cut. But feelings linger. First love is strong. I shouldn't have started yalkong to him again. Hearing him say some of this stuff just kills me and makes my heart ache. It makes me want to be with him again but nothing has changed. It's only been 5 weeks. It needs more time. I need more time. But, on the other hand, he's mentioning how he was going to propose this summer and told me what the ring looked like (perfect for me btw) and just the honest, 100% love he has and how he just wants to be my husband and support and love me forever. He said wanting and loving me is the most real thing he's ever felt. It's shitty because I feel that way about him but the biggest thing is the sexual attraction, or lack thereof, for me. I've been battling it for years but it's a huge factor. I don't know if it's him or me or what but I can't have meh sex my whole life. The awful thing is? He thinks I love it because I've been faking it for so long. Oooooops. But anyway, I still want what we had. It's so strong a bond and so easy and familiar and available. I know we needed space but sometimes I wonder if I'm fighting something that is supposed to make me complete. Make my life whole and something that makes all the other shit ok. He literally knows me inside and out. Essentially everything about me. He can read me so well. Knows exactly what I'm thinking or how I feel and he picks up on my moods before I even do. I already look at guys and I'm like, you won't get me. You won't accept all my quirks. You won't get my obsession with nerdy things. Ugh. I thought I was good but then he says shit and fucks me all up again. It kills me.
Freaking out about my life right now. I am alone, living at home, going nowhere. What. The. Fuck. I am terrified. I don't want to be Megan. 30 years old and stuck living at home, barely making it by. In high school, I always thought I'd be successful, have a career, do something with my life. And none of that happened. I have a degree I can't get a job with because I have no experience. I couldn't get said experience in school because I had to work essentially full time to pay my loans (yes, while in school) and all those jobs were temporary, part time deals. I couldn't afford to not have a stable job. Now that I'm out of school, I REALLY can't afford to not have a stable job and, in fact, I have to work 60 hours a week just to pay all my bills. It's so stressful and I have no idea how I can do this for the next 20 years. Live at home and not have a relationship ever? I can't have boys over to sleep or anything because dad won't have it so what do I do with that? I just don't know.
When I was with Daniel, I had direction, support, a plan. Now I don't know what I'm doing and it's really scary.
So I'm not having a hard time with leaving Daniel. Granted, it hasn't been a week even, but I feel all right. Mainly because he's pissed me off so much these past four days that I can't stand the thought of him right now. He's been so insanely frustrating and caused drama with Blake and I'm just done right now. I've had to tell him multiple times daily that I don't want to talk to him and he still will do it.
Finally, yesterday was the last straw with the Blake drama so I was like for real, 100% do not talk to me. I am through. He hasn't. Though he has posted statuses that I know are directed at me. I had deleted him, hoping it would stop him from being able to fb message me but it didn't work and he guilted me into friending him back. I also haven't put my relationship status as single to the public yet. I know everyone's going to freak out about it and I feel like it's attention whoring, which isn't my intention at all. I almost did yesterday though, just to be vindictive and mean because I was so mad at Daniel. Trying to take the high road...
The hardest part of this is doing things alone. I mean, I don't mind spending an afternoon alone, but just like dinner, going out, Netflix bingeing, sleeping; all alone. I always thought people who serial dated were weak and dependent but I kind of see where they're coming from. It's hard to not have company. I don't feel like I needsomeone but just having someone around all the time to talk to and do things with is so nice.
Which is what makes talking to Blake and staying neutral so hard. Well, we're not totally neutral....we've made out and then some...mom and dad are gone on vacation starting tomorrow so hopefully we'll get some sexy time. ^.^ but anyway, it's hard not to want to push him to hang out and stuff. I want to because it's habit. Not because necessarily I need or want a boyfriend but that habit of having someone around to talk to or cuddle with while we watch tv. I need to talk him into spending the night so I can sleep with someone. *sigh*
But yeah, I'm feeling good. Just lonely. I have a few friends but they all have crazy schedules and I work all the time so it's hard. And I'm sick of my family. I don't want to socialize. I just wish I could move out and live on my own. :/
So. I did it. I broke up with Daniel. Like three hours before my overnight shift at the casino. That was a bad idea, obv. Barely held my shit together. Did end up going into the bathroom to cry once and legit as soon as I did, I got calls on the radio for fills in the poker room. Like wtf. Couldn't have waited a few minutes and given me some time. It was such a long three hours. Then we were at lunch and I read some texts Daniel sent right before work which was awful because I tried reading them before work but almost started crying so I didn't read em then. At lunch though, I read them and of course started crying. Went into the bathroom. Bawled a bit. Went back out and thought I was ok. Started crying in front of a bunch of coworkers. Have I ever said how much I despiiiiiise crying in general and then how mortifying crying in front of people is?!?! Fuck man. Sarge sent me home early. He was really uoset to see me so upset cuz I was like hiccuping and almost hyperventilating. You'd think for me to have broken up with him, i'd be more ok but i'm fucking devastated. He is my best fucking friend. He knows me inside and out, even better than I know myself. I can literally tell him anything. I feel 100% comfortable with him. But I needed to break up with him. I need to figure myself out. I feel like we were becoming one person and I was losing myself. Amd then I have this degree and wtf am I doing wth it? Nothing! I'm going nowhere in life and I feel the weight of that so heavily lately. I'm 25. I can't keep just barely making it. I have to do something. I hope this wasn't a mistake. But I'm determined to spend some time away from him. I need a break. The last 9 months that I've worked at the casino, we have had limited time together so legit ALL my free time every week for the last 9 months has been with him. I just need space to reconfigure and reset. But I already miss him. Just thinking about shows we used to watch together and now i'm going to have to watch them by myself. That one set me off tonight. I just don't know. I feel like my heart is gone but I feel like something had to change. Apparently I couldn't do a little. Had to go big or go home. Ugh. Am I doing the right thing?
I still work at the kennel. I made two dollars more than when I started 10 years ago. And I get 3 weeks of paid vacation now. Only benes. Don't even have air conditioning, which is HORRIBLE in the summer. I currently sweat from 7 am to 6 pm when I work. I hate it. D. Feher is too cheap to buy us a freaking air conditioner. Apparently, we're second class citizens compared to his precious vet clinic. Jo-el runs the kennel now, which is amazing because Amanda is a cunt and nobody likes her. I despise her. Deeply. If she hadn't have gotten fired, I would have ended up quitting without having another job to fall back on.
We have two new receptionists (after having fired four and having one leave for an internship in her field of study.) One has been with us for almost 90 days (which is our evaluation period) and we're undecided if we should keep her. She has a lot of personal shit going on and firing her would make Jo-el and I both feel like total shit...but, on the other hand, she's not an asset to the company right now. It seems like her memory is like swiss cheese; some of stuff sticks but most falls through the holes. I think part of this intense, consistent forgetfulness is her home life. But, do you keep someone because her life sucks and you feel bad and you know she needs this job? Or do you fire her because she creates more than twice as much work for you and your manager and can't handle the job? Especially shitty that we both really like her and I've known her since high school. I mean, her husband (2nd one, mind you, and she's my age, 23) is a total dick. Verbally and mentally and emotionally abusive. I don't believe he's been physically abusive yet but really it's the next stage. Jo-el said she's tried to help the girl out but there's only so much we can do without her being willing to help herself. I think she is coming around but she also has two children (one from each husband) and I don't think she wants to leave her son without his dad. I just get so frustrated and fed up with finding the same mistakes that she has been spoken to about multiple times and then having to deal with her inability to function at work properly. I don't know...*sigh*
Twiki is our groomer. Came to the kennel maybe three years ago this summer? I can't stand her. She has rare moments where she's all right - mainly when she's not complaining about everything, which she does most of the time. She has too many dogs, too few dogs, she needs help but no one's willing to help her (when she asks for help several times a day, every day), her equipment sucks, we don't pay her enough (even though she gets half of all of her profit, which is more than the manager makes every paycheck!), us receptionists have fucked something or everything up. Ugh, it's endless. And then! You get to hear about her ridiculous life with her terrible kids and dumb ass fiance that pointed a gun at Jo-el's daughter when she was at a friend's house and that friend's mom broke up with this guy. I guess Twiki never heard about that. He had to be escorted off the property by the cops. *shakes head* Some people are just idiots. I want her to come in, groom her dogs, go home. That's all.
- Current Music:Dancing Queen - Abba
- Current Mood:
discontent
I'm also nervous for trip in general because it's a totally and utterly different place to what I'm even remotely used to. The places we'll be staying in will be nothing like the hotels in the US, obviously. Hahah, at one point, we're going to be sleeping on raised platforms in tents sooo yeah. Mom's spend a shit ton of money on stuff for me. And! She won't let me try to pay her back because "she knows my situation and it's fine." which is nice but frustrating because I hate feeling indebted to her anymore than I need to. I'm glad it wasn't dad buying the stuff though because he WOULD expect me to. He always holds that stuff over my head. I'm also nervous about the food because I'm not super picky, but there are definitely certain things I don't want to eat, or try and I feel like my options for palatable food will be limited so I'm thinking of bringing lots of goldfish and poptarts in my bag.
My favorite new purchases are the sweet ass binos I now have as well as the water purifier. I'm not sure how many trips I'll be making to Africa or places with bad water in my life but this is definitely a good thing to have. I also love my new hiking backpack. hahah
I'll be gone for 12 days and hopefully come back with a tan and some amazzzzzzing pictures. I'll try to find my favorites and post them here, but most will be on my Facebook, so if anyone even reads my LJ anymore, that's where you should look. If you don't have me as a friend, just comment and I'll add you if you give me your name. Though I really don't think anyone reads this anymore, it's more for venting and keeping some sort of record of what's happened/happening in my life. I really should update more....anyway...let's see what else...
Well, Daniel and I rented a room at the Ramada Inn on Sunday night in order to sleep next to each other considering we can't at my house and I'm not allowed at his house anymore. It was supposed to be kind of a Valentine's Day thing but I don't really care about VDay so we just ordered take out Chinese food and watched the Grammy's and had good sexes. I put on some pretty red and black lingerie, which he seemed to appreciate. You know, I've honestly never been big on sex or caring about sex but once you go like a week and a half without it, it suckkkkks so it was nice to be able to spend time with him. Hahaha. Sleeping next to him was the best. I miss that the most.
I wish we could just move this summer. I want to be out of Maine and out of school. BUT, if I'm out of school, I'm going to get monthly bills for my loans for over $800 bucks. Soooo I'm not really sure how that's going to go for me considering I will not rely solely on Daniel for paying of rent and such. I'm hoping that I get a semi-decent job (the ones I've looked at only pay $9/hr!) so I can at least be of some use. >_< Ugh. Fuck Michigan. What did I get from that experience?! Debt and bad memories. I mean, Stacey's great and I miss her but we don't even talk anymore or anything so it's like what was it for? It was a pointless waste of time. The classes I took didn't even count for ANYTHING here. Nothing. I'm so mad at myself about that whole thing.
So basically, in my continually frustrating and set-back ridden life, Daniel is my bright spot. Being able to be with him and move with him in a year is the only thing holding me back from saying fuck it and living with mom and dad the rest of my life like Megan. I'm such a Negative Nancy. Sorry for those that might be reading this. hahah
This all was triggered but this big debacle with Daniel not liking Dylan's girlfriend and Dylan found out and mentioned it to Tracy who made a HUGE deal out of it so it was two days of bashing me behind my back (not that she didn't already do that all the time anyway) and saying I was pouty (which she said today was her codeword for bitch when really when I was "pouty" I just didn't want to talk to anyone so I didn't). And then New Year's Eve, I didn't talk to her because she was being SO fake and all friendly to me and Daniel after bashing me for two days previously and yelling at Daniel about how much I sucked. SO! I didn't want to play. Today, she freaked out on Daniel saying it was the last straw and blah blah blah I was a rotten spoiled bitch etc. Yeah. Oh, and I'm not allowed at the house again, ever.
Dude, I don't give a freaking SHIT what she thinks. And she is the only one who thinks those things about me except maybe Ryan. Haha what pisses me off the most is she legitimately made accusations that I was trying to isolate Daniel from the family etc. She's fucking crazy. She's paranoid and crazy. Daniel said that what actually got him kicked out was the he defended me and then she said that she thought I would call the cops on them cuz they smoke weed and in response to that he said "You're paranoid, go take another Xanax." And she got PISSED cuz her xanax is sensitive issue with her. hahaha so0 that's what did it. Otherwise, I would have been just banned forever and she said that This is unfixable and I've crossed the line, etc etc. She's so full of shit. I can't wait to be rid of her when we move to fuckin Florida. UGH SO SICK OF THIS. At least I don't have to see her face anymore. So pretty much Daniel had to listen to her scream in his face literally ALL day about what a bitch I was. So I feel like shit for it.
Watching Tarzan with Daniel and Abby though so I'm done. Hope everyone's New Year was better than mine so far.
- Current Mood:
annoyed
And then, I don't get hired at Bath and Body Works and that was after a group interview with three other dumb ass girls that probably got fucking hired instead of me. And no Tim Horton's either. Really? REALLY!? I need a god damn job people, I don't just fill out these applications because I'm BORED. I'm just kind of desperate for money here considering every two weeks when I get paid, I have a bill due right after and my pathetic little pay check is gone in one bill check and then I'm stuck running on ten dollars for gas for two weeks and no money for anything else.
My car had another $550 of work done to it last week on top of the $1100 done to it a few weeks before and then the $300 I put into it after I first got it. I thought after this last visit to the shop, I'd only have tires to put on it which is gonna be like $350 but nooo of course I can't be that god damn lucky. The guy calls me and says that my right rocker panel is completely rusted out and it'll be fucking $600 to replace. Apparently dad's going to take it to Uncle Robert this coming weekend to fix but I'm telling you right now, I'm going to be PISSED if I have to drive that fucking Vue around for three months like Megan did. That car is a piece of shit and I refuse to do it.
The only bright side right now is Africa in February. I start getting my shots in a couple weeks. I think I'm getting Hep A and Typhoid. I'll get the malaria pills and yellow fever shot closer to when I leave. And they cost a bunch of money all together so spacing them out will help.
- Current Location:Georg Muffat - Concerto Grosso No. 4 In G Minor
- Current Mood: pissed off
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