I used to be my own protection but not now...

Sigh

2015-05-05T14:29:41Z

There's this certain moment im the mornings, when my alarm goes off and I'm just gaining consciousness that I just get super vulnerable and all I can think is, this is my life. Working for shit, being alone. Every day, day after day, for months, years. And the prospect of finding someone else is just impossible and getting another job is impossible and I feel like my existence is futile. Bangor holds nothing for me. Limited circle of men and jobs. I need to move but can't.

Also, real thing: finding an attractive guy that holds the same interests as I do. Like, I'm cosplaying in June. I enjoy reading more than anything else. I love movies, tv shows, and playing video games. I am a suuuuuuuper nerd. Like I am obsessed with Doctor Who, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and more. I also like to workout, eat well, spend time outside, etc. Finding someone on the same level as me on more than one front is nigh impossible.

I miss Daniel. He was pretty much all of these things and if he wasn't, he supported me anyway, no matter what. Sigh.

Why is life so complicated?!

2015-04-03T21:33:42Z

Why can't it be easy? Sever all connections and feelings. Nope, done, ties cut. But feelings linger. First love is strong. I shouldn't have started yalkong to him again. Hearing him say some of this stuff just kills me and makes my heart ache. It makes me want to be with him again but nothing has changed. It's only been 5 weeks. It needs more time. I need more time. But, on the other hand, he's mentioning how he was going to propose this summer and told me what the ring looked like (perfect for me btw) and just the honest, 100% love he has and how he just wants to be my husband and support and love me forever. He said wanting and loving me is the most real thing he's ever felt. It's shitty because I feel that way about him but the biggest thing is the sexual attraction, or lack thereof, for me. I've been battling it for years but it's a huge factor. I don't know if it's him or me or what but I can't have meh sex my whole life. The awful thing is? He thinks I love it because I've been faking it for so long. Oooooops. But anyway, I still want what we had. It's so strong a bond and so easy and familiar and available. I know we needed space but sometimes I wonder if I'm fighting something that is supposed to make me complete. Make my life whole and something that makes all the other shit ok. He literally knows me inside and out. Essentially everything about me. He can read me so well. Knows exactly what I'm thinking or how I feel and he picks up on my moods before I even do. I already look at guys and I'm like, you won't get me. You won't accept all my quirks. You won't get my obsession with nerdy things. Ugh. I thought I was good but then he says shit and fucks me all up again. It kills me.

My life rn

2015-03-10T02:32:22Z

Freaking out about my life right now. I am alone, living at home, going nowhere. What. The. Fuck. I am terrified. I don't want to be Megan. 30 years old and stuck living at home, barely making it by. In high school, I always thought I'd be successful, have a career, do something with my life. And none of that happened. I have a degree I can't get a job with because I have no experience. I couldn't get said experience in school because I had to work essentially full time to pay my loans (yes, while in school) and all those jobs were temporary, part time deals. I couldn't afford to not have a stable job. Now that I'm out of school, I REALLY can't afford to not have a stable job and, in fact, I have to work 60 hours a week just to pay all my bills. It's so stressful and I have no idea how I can do this for the next 20 years. Live at home and not have a relationship ever? I can't have boys over to sleep or anything because dad won't have it so what do I do with that? I just don't know.

When I was with Daniel, I had direction, support, a plan. Now I don't know what I'm doing and it's really scary.

Post Breakup

2015-03-05T19:16:48Z

So I'm not having a hard time with leaving Daniel. Granted, it hasn't been a week even, but I feel all right. Mainly because he's pissed me off so much these past four days that I can't stand the thought of him right now. He's been so insanely frustrating and caused drama with Blake and I'm just done right now. I've had to tell him multiple times daily that I don't want to talk to him and he still will do it.

Finally, yesterday was the last straw with the Blake drama so I was like for real, 100% do not talk to me. I am through. He hasn't. Though he has posted statuses that I know are directed at me. I had deleted him, hoping it would stop him from being able to fb message me but it didn't work and he guilted me into friending him back. I also haven't put my relationship status as single to the public yet. I know everyone's going to freak out about it and I feel like it's attention whoring, which isn't my intention at all. I almost did yesterday though, just to be vindictive and mean because I was so mad at Daniel. Trying to take the high road...

The hardest part of this is doing things alone. I mean, I don't mind spending an afternoon alone, but just like dinner, going out, Netflix bingeing, sleeping; all alone. I always thought people who serial dated were weak and dependent but I kind of see where they're coming from. It's hard to not have company. I don't feel like I needsomeone but just having someone around all the time to talk to and do things with is so nice.

Which is what makes talking to Blake and staying neutral so hard. Well, we're not totally neutral....we've made out and then some...mom and dad are gone on vacation starting tomorrow so hopefully we'll get some sexy time. ^.^ but anyway, it's hard not to want to push him to hang out and stuff. I want to because it's habit. Not because necessarily I need or want a boyfriend but that habit of having someone around to talk to or cuddle with while we watch tv. I need to talk him into spending the night so I can sleep with someone. *sigh*

But yeah, I'm feeling good. Just lonely. I have a few friends but they all have crazy schedules and I work all the time so it's hard. And I'm sick of my family. I don't want to socialize. I just wish I could move out and live on my own. :/

I have broken my own heart

2015-03-01T10:08:46Z

So. I did it. I broke up with Daniel. Like three hours before my overnight shift at the casino. That was a bad idea, obv. Barely held my shit together. Did end up going into the bathroom to cry once and legit as soon as I did, I got calls on the radio for fills in the poker room. Like wtf. Couldn't have waited a few minutes and given me some time. It was such a long three hours. Then we were at lunch and I read some texts Daniel sent right before work which was awful because I tried reading them before work but almost started crying so I didn't read em then. At lunch though, I read them and of course started crying. Went into the bathroom. Bawled a bit. Went back out and thought I was ok. Started crying in front of a bunch of coworkers. Have I ever said how much I despiiiiiise crying in general and then how mortifying crying in front of people is?!?! Fuck man. Sarge sent me home early. He was really uoset to see me so upset cuz I was like hiccuping and almost hyperventilating. You'd think for me to have broken up with him, i'd be more ok but i'm fucking devastated. He is my best fucking friend. He knows me inside and out, even better than I know myself. I can literally tell him anything. I feel 100% comfortable with him. But I needed to break up with him. I need to figure myself out. I feel like we were becoming one person and I was losing myself. Amd then I have this degree and wtf am I doing wth it? Nothing! I'm going nowhere in life and I feel the weight of that so heavily lately. I'm 25. I can't keep just barely making it. I have to do something. I hope this wasn't a mistake. But I'm determined to spend some time away from him. I need a break. The last 9 months that I've worked at the casino, we have had limited time together so legit ALL my free time every week for the last 9 months has been with him. I just need space to reconfigure and reset. But I already miss him. Just thinking about shows we used to watch together and now i'm going to have to watch them by myself. That one set me off tonight. I just don't know. I feel like my heart is gone but I feel like something had to change. Apparently I couldn't do a little. Had to go big or go home. Ugh. Am I doing the right thing?

Wow....it's been ages.

2013-07-17T02:46:05Z

It's been over two years since I updated last...that's crazy! Well, I never posted pictures after my last post, which was about my trip to Uganda. It was amazing in so many ways and I posted so many pictures on Facebook. I can't really remember much of the last two years in particular. They kind of blur together. Umm...I graduated from college and now hold a Bachelor's in Wildlife Ecology, which only makes me a Wildlife Technician. I need to go to get my Master's to be considered a Wildlife Biologist, which probably won't happen considering I have $90,000 to pay back for loans at a school I didn't even graduate from. Because of said loans, I have to continue to live at home and pay $1000 out of my $1200 a month to this fucking private loan company....for 20 years....so by the time the 20 years are up, I will have paid them over $200,000. Fucked, right? Over twice what I owe. BULLSHIT. But what can you do?

I still work at the kennel. I made two dollars more than when I started 10 years ago. And I get 3 weeks of paid vacation now. Only benes. Don't even have air conditioning, which is HORRIBLE in the summer. I currently sweat from 7 am to 6 pm when I work. I hate it. D. Feher is too cheap to buy us a freaking air conditioner. Apparently, we're second class citizens compared to his precious vet clinic. Jo-el runs the kennel now, which is amazing because Amanda is a cunt and nobody likes her. I despise her. Deeply. If she hadn't have gotten fired, I would have ended up quitting without having another job to fall back on.

We have two new receptionists (after having fired four and having one leave for an internship in her field of study.) One has been with us for almost 90 days (which is our evaluation period) and we're undecided if we should keep her. She has a lot of personal shit going on and firing her would make Jo-el and I both feel like total shit...but, on the other hand, she's not an asset to the company right now. It seems like her memory is like swiss cheese; some of stuff sticks but most falls through the holes. I think part of this intense, consistent forgetfulness is her home life. But, do you keep someone because her life sucks and you feel bad and you know she needs this job? Or do you fire her because she creates more than twice as much work for you and your manager and can't handle the job? Especially shitty that we both really like her and I've known her since high school. I mean, her husband (2nd one, mind you, and she's my age, 23) is a total dick. Verbally and mentally and emotionally abusive. I don't believe he's been physically abusive yet but really it's the next stage. Jo-el said she's tried to help the girl out but there's only so much we can do without her being willing to help herself. I think she is coming around but she also has two children (one from each husband) and I don't think she wants to leave her son without his dad. I just get so frustrated and fed up with finding the same mistakes that she has been spoken to about multiple times and then having to deal with her inability to function at work properly. I don't know...*sigh*

Twiki is our groomer. Came to the kennel maybe three years ago this summer? I can't stand her. She has rare moments where she's all right - mainly when she's not complaining about everything, which she does most of the time. She has too many dogs, too few dogs, she needs help but no one's willing to help her (when she asks for help several times a day, every day), her equipment sucks, we don't pay her enough (even though she gets half of all of her profit, which is more than the manager makes every paycheck!), us receptionists have fucked something or everything up. Ugh, it's endless. And then! You get to hear about her ridiculous life with her terrible kids and dumb ass fiance that pointed a gun at Jo-el's daughter when she was at a friend's house and that friend's mom broke up with this guy. I guess Twiki never heard about that. He had to be escorted off the property by the cops. *shakes head* Some people are just idiots. I want her to come in, groom her dogs, go home. That's all.

Umm...my latest life update

2011-02-15T15:40:37Z

Sooo I leave for Uganda a week from Thursday. I'm pretty excited except for the gorilla trekking. They said that it's a six hour trip during the day and the going is rough with the slope of the mountain we climb being like a 45 degree angle or less so it's ridiculously steep. Two of our professors said that they're in more than excellent physical condition and they had trouble. So that leaves me, 184 pounds and no cardiovascular endurance whatsoever, slightly more than a little fucked. They said there is a group for those that are less physically active but I will seriously, no joke, be the only one in the group to chose that option. And I really don't want to embarrass myself like that. So I guess I'm just going to end up falling way behind and getting eaten by a leopard.

I'm also nervous for trip in general because it's a totally and utterly different place to what I'm even remotely used to. The places we'll be staying in will be nothing like the hotels in the US, obviously. Hahah, at one point, we're going to be sleeping on raised platforms in tents sooo yeah. Mom's spend a shit ton of money on stuff for me. And! She won't let me try to pay her back because "she knows my situation and it's fine." which is nice but frustrating because I hate feeling indebted to her anymore than I need to. I'm glad it wasn't dad buying the stuff though because he WOULD expect me to. He always holds that stuff over my head. I'm also nervous about the food because I'm not super picky, but there are definitely certain things I don't want to eat, or try and I feel like my options for palatable food will be limited so I'm thinking of bringing lots of goldfish and poptarts in my bag.

My favorite new purchases are the sweet ass binos I now have as well as the water purifier. I'm not sure how many trips I'll be making to Africa or places with bad water in my life but this is definitely a good thing to have. I also love my new hiking backpack. hahah

I'll be gone for 12 days and hopefully come back with a tan and some amazzzzzzing pictures. I'll try to find my favorites and post them here, but most will be on my Facebook, so if anyone even reads my LJ anymore, that's where you should look. If you don't have me as a friend, just comment and I'll add you if you give me your name. Though I really don't think anyone reads this anymore, it's more for venting and keeping some sort of record of what's happened/happening in my life. I really should update more....anyway...let's see what else...

Well, Daniel and I rented a room at the Ramada Inn on Sunday night in order to sleep next to each other considering we can't at my house and I'm not allowed at his house anymore. It was supposed to be kind of a Valentine's Day thing but I don't really care about VDay so we just ordered take out Chinese food and watched the Grammy's and had good sexes. I put on some pretty red and black lingerie, which he seemed to appreciate. You know, I've honestly never been big on sex or caring about sex but once you go like a week and a half without it, it suckkkkks so it was nice to be able to spend time with him. Hahaha. Sleeping next to him was the best. I miss that the most.

I wish we could just move this summer. I want to be out of Maine and out of school. BUT, if I'm out of school, I'm going to get monthly bills for my loans for over $800 bucks. Soooo I'm not really sure how that's going to go for me considering I will not rely solely on Daniel for paying of rent and such. I'm hoping that I get a semi-decent job (the ones I've looked at only pay $9/hr!) so I can at least be of some use. >_< Ugh. Fuck Michigan. What did I get from that experience?! Debt and bad memories. I mean, Stacey's great and I miss her but we don't even talk anymore or anything so it's like what was it for? It was a pointless waste of time. The classes I took didn't even count for ANYTHING here. Nothing. I'm so mad at myself about that whole thing.

So basically, in my continually frustrating and set-back ridden life, Daniel is my bright spot. Being able to be with him and move with him in a year is the only thing holding me back from saying fuck it and living with mom and dad the rest of my life like Megan. I'm such a Negative Nancy. Sorry for those that might be reading this. hahah

animorph @ 2011-01-02T23:26:00

2011-01-03T04:26:04Z

So Daniel got kicked out of his house for dating me because his mom hates my guts. I'm a rotten, spoiled, selfish, entitled, upper middle class bitch who is trying to isolate Daniel from his whole family and I belittle him and control him and am trying to make him my bitch like my mom apparently did to my dad. I'm holding him back from his life by keeping here in Maine (even though I tell him all the time that I want him to leave here and start his life in Florida) and she said that our relationship is a game to me and I'm gonna break up with him in a month if he goes to Florida and then I'm gonna break up with him when he doesn't have a home or a job anymore. And if Daniel chooses me over his family, he can pack his shit and leave right now. And if he knows what's best for him, he'll break up with me. So she kicked him out, shit on the porch in suitcases. And his bitch aunt in Florida said that she's "private" and won't allow him at her place with her and her husband even though she has a four bedroom house with three cars and just her and her husband. Soooo yeah. He has nowehere to go in Maine. He's staying at my house tonight and god knows where he's gonna go tomorrow night.

This all was triggered but this big debacle with Daniel not liking Dylan's girlfriend and Dylan found out and mentioned it to Tracy who made a HUGE deal out of it so it was two days of bashing me behind my back (not that she didn't already do that all the time anyway) and saying I was pouty (which she said today was her codeword for bitch when really when I was "pouty" I just didn't want to talk to anyone so I didn't). And then New Year's Eve, I didn't talk to her because she was being SO fake and all friendly to me and Daniel after bashing me for two days previously and yelling at Daniel about how much I sucked. SO! I didn't want to play. Today, she freaked out on Daniel saying it was the last straw and blah blah blah I was a rotten spoiled bitch etc. Yeah. Oh, and I'm not allowed at the house again, ever.

Dude, I don't give a freaking SHIT what she thinks. And she is the only one who thinks those things about me except maybe Ryan. Haha what pisses me off the most is she legitimately made accusations that I was trying to isolate Daniel from the family etc. She's fucking crazy. She's paranoid and crazy. Daniel said that what actually got him kicked out was the he defended me and then she said that she thought I would call the cops on them cuz they smoke weed and in response to that he said "You're paranoid, go take another Xanax." And she got PISSED cuz her xanax is sensitive issue with her. hahaha so0 that's what did it. Otherwise, I would have been just banned forever and she said that This is unfixable and I've crossed the line, etc etc. She's so full of shit. I can't wait to be rid of her when we move to fuckin Florida. UGH SO SICK OF THIS. At least I don't have to see her face anymore. So pretty much Daniel had to listen to her scream in his face literally ALL day about what a bitch I was. So I feel like shit for it.

Watching Tarzan with Daniel and Abby though so I'm done. Hope everyone's New Year was better than mine so far.

New Year's Eve

2011-01-01T00:39:27Z

Not happy. Happy New Year's everyone. Hope your 2011 starts out better than mine has today. So fuckin cool dood.

Fuck mood swings

2010-11-22T01:49:27Z

This shit is so old. I am so done with feeling like a crazy person. I just wish I didn't always get incredibly annoyed every time I went to Daniel's house. Now it's not just his mom that annoys me, it's Dylan, Taylor, Paul, everyone. I just want it to be him and I without their loud mouths and stupid fucking attitudes towards me and in general. I just want to be ALONE with him. We're never fucking alone. And then! He wants to go and move to fucking Florida with me but he wants to bring fucking Nikki along and have her live with us for a while along with Dylan and Alex. No, Daniel, I don't want fucking Nikki living with us. She's only COMPLETELY FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU. And I'm just saying, I'm pretty sure a big part of the reason she wants to move to Florida is because he's fucking moving there. If it was Georgia or New York or California, she'd want to move there for some convenient reason too. And the other reason is, she annoys me! (Go figure, seems to be a new trend) He just thinks she's the shit and sooo hilarious and they get high together and act retarded like high people do and whatever but I don't think she's that funny and I don't think she's soo original and awesome. I think one of the reasons he wants her around is because he knows she loves him and therefore she gives him undivided attention and always thinks everything he says is soooo funny and he likes that. Well guess what? That gets annoying real quick. AND! He wants a tattoo with her name on it. UM, HELLO! I don't care if she's your best friend, another girl's name on you isn't really ok with me. Is that me being a stupid girlfriend? I mean, I'm not worried about him leaving me for her or anything like that though cuz I know he wouldn't but it's just the fact that he is like oh yeah, living with Nikki would be so great! I'd love that, gotta get my tattoo soon, etc etc. like come the fuck on daniel. UGH.

And then, I don't get hired at Bath and Body Works and that was after a group interview with three other dumb ass girls that probably got fucking hired instead of me. And no Tim Horton's either. Really? REALLY!? I need a god damn job people, I don't just fill out these applications because I'm BORED. I'm just kind of desperate for money here considering every two weeks when I get paid, I have a bill due right after and my pathetic little pay check is gone in one bill check and then I'm stuck running on ten dollars for gas for two weeks and no money for anything else.

My car had another $550 of work done to it last week on top of the $1100 done to it a few weeks before and then the $300 I put into it after I first got it. I thought after this last visit to the shop, I'd only have tires to put on it which is gonna be like $350 but nooo of course I can't be that god damn lucky. The guy calls me and says that my right rocker panel is completely rusted out and it'll be fucking $600 to replace. Apparently dad's going to take it to Uncle Robert this coming weekend to fix but I'm telling you right now, I'm going to be PISSED if I have to drive that fucking Vue around for three months like Megan did. That car is a piece of shit and I refuse to do it.

The only bright side right now is Africa in February. I start getting my shots in a couple weeks. I think I'm getting Hep A and Typhoid. I'll get the malaria pills and yellow fever shot closer to when I leave. And they cost a bunch of money all together so spacing them out will help.

Ugh.

2010-10-20T17:03:10Z

So, went to get my car aligned because I wanted to get it aligned before I did the brakes and fixed the emissions leak in the front end and it turns out, there's a whole laundry list of things wrong with my undercarriage of my car that wouldn't allow me to get an alignment. The total cost of fixing all this under the car? 700 freaking dollars. The cost of a brake job? 400. I WORK TWO DAYS EVERY TWO WEEKS. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY THIS. I am now in freak out mode because my car hasn't been inspected for a month now and if I get caught, my ass is grass cuz fines are huge. Tim Horton's wouldn't hire me so that's more than a little insulting and that was also my best option for a job. Now I'm stuck with freaking gas stations. Honestly, I have no desire to work at a gas station. At all. It appealed to me for like a week last year but now I'm like hell to the no. How is it that I get stuck with the shitty school hours that seriously limit my work availability. Next semester is going to be even better, just by looking at the classes I need to take. Ugh. I hate feeling so defeated all the time. It's really hard to feel optimistic and shit when stuff keeps going wrong.

Not getting any better

2010-10-07T16:55:36Z

So, I'm still irritable all the time and I know it's frustrating Daniel but I really don't know how to fix it. He keeps telling me that I know really do know the reason why I have been for the past few weeks and I should just tell him so he knows but I really don't know. Though, the past few days I've been frustrated, sad, and depressed because yesterday, I saw a lot of my friend's from Michigan post statuses about how they're applying for graduation. It made me really upset because I should be graduating this year, I should be moving on with my life and getting into the real world. I also feel like even though I have another year of college after this, I still have NO friends and NO connections to show for it. The first two years at Michigan were about getting my fucking feet under me in a city I didn't know, people I didn't know, and 1000 miles away from anybody I ever knew and on top of all that, I had to keep up with school work that was actually pretty difficult and I had $42,000 of debt before I was 18 and then another 42 grand the next year.

Then I was supposed to go to Finland for a year. Cost was $55,000. Applied for loans at five different places and was denied by every single one of them because I, in two years of college, had used up the federal limit for borrowing. Cute, right? So I had to come back to Maine and go to UMaine. It turned out, it seems, to be a better place to get into the stuff I wanna do because UMich has shit for wildlife stuff and I do go here for free. So I certainly am not complaining about that. I just now am in school for another year and I still have NO friends and NO connections. I feel like I'm missing out on all that shit that people say college is supposed to be. People say college is awesome, the best years of our life or whatever but I haven't experienced any of that. I think my sophomore year was the best year cuz Stacey was the best roommate but I had shit the first year and last year wasn't that great except for Daniel. This year, I've had shitty luck with cars, money, and now classes. I want to go to Uganda so bad it hurts but it's $3000 and I can't even consider being able to afford that. I ran out of money this week and my car insurance payment was 100 bucks and I only had forty in my account. Tim Horton's hasn't called me back and I only work TWO days every TWO weeks.

Plus, Daniel misses Florida so much and hates Maine so much and I want him to be happy but I'm keeping here. He says it's ok and he doesn't care. But today he said he always hates Maine the worst around this time of year cuz he hates snow and the cold and here in general but this year he says it was 100 times worse and he almost cried this morning it was so bad. So what do I do? he won't leave but he's miserable here. I just am helpless here. Ugh. Shitty shitty shitty.

Ugh.

2010-09-30T06:15:28Z

I've been very emotional lately. I don't like it. I get irritated quickly, I get teary over the littlest things like Daniel saying something sweet or some minute long scene in a tv show that supposed to be touching or when I think about school, my car, work, having no money or how much I want to go to Ugana this spring but can't afford it in any way, shape, or form. I get really happy for a little bit but then I'm not. I don't want to be home but I don't want to be at Daniel's. The idea of two more years in Maine, at this school is driving me stir crazy just thinking about it. I hate being up, down and all around. I feel like I want to be more how I was a few years ago- bubbly and everything. I feel like now I just sit there like a bump on a log. I hate having no friends at UMaine, especially in my major. I just sit there all class and in labs with no one and it sucks ass. I say this a lot, I know. I'm sick of being lazy. I'm sick of being stressed all the time. I'm sick of having no money because my car requires everything before I have a chance to think about doing anything with it. I currently need an alignment, brake rotors and pads replaced, a leak in my hood fixed and probably new tires along with an inspection that I might not get because I think I have too much rust. And for all of this, I have 300 dollars in my bank account. That won't even come close to covering it. Maine is sucking the life and hope out of me. Slightly dramatic yes but also slightly true. Ugh.

It's been a while

2010-09-16T03:20:33Z

It's been a while since I updated. Mainly because nothing's really happened of importance. I'm gonna sort it out into two sections good and bad just so I can get all the bad out of my system and try to end on a good note. =)

Bad:
I got a car in late July - a 99 Ford Taurus, which seems like it'd be a good thing buuuut I really don't like it and I miss my Honda horribly. My Taurus gets shitty gas mileage, it's dirty inside from the previous owners and won't come clean, it's ugly and it basically scrapes the ground it's so low. I also had to take a loan out for it so my insurance went up because I don't own the car. So now I have higher insurance payments coupled with loan payments every month (for three years) as well as pay for a shit ton of gas every week because I have to go to Orono every day and back to either Eddington (30 minutes) or Brewer (15-20 minutes).

Getting an apartment failed, obviously, considering my money kept getting sucked up by everything. I finally started getting ahead and then my payments came around and bam, sucked dry again. And I'm trying to save up for a trip to Uganda in one of my classes this coming spring but it's $2700 and I don't think I'll be able to save up that much money by February.

Daniel's parents are pissing me off to no end. All they do is rag on him, every day. He has his license and wants a car. NO ONE will cosign a loan for him. They want him to go to a used car place and get weekly payments or whatever but with that, he gets ABSURD interest rates and it would be so much easier if someone would fucking help him but they won't and I am SO frustrated. Like you have no idea. I hate feeling helpless and I hate that his parents won't help their son. Isn't that what fucking family is for? My parents knew they could help me so they did but how can you blatantly deny your children help? Like what the fuck. And then! They have the nerve to yell at him about him always expecting them to give him things like rides to work and stuff..when they yelled at him when he didn't have his license saying "Oh, if you had your license, you could just take the car to work." But now that he has it, they won't let him take the car because he "thinks he has a right to take the car" and all this shit about him being spoiled. So they still give him rides and then bitch about having to give him rides and say how he thinks he's privileged and deserves rides or whatever. Like ;oaegjrgj;lrg a;ldg;lkadrgj it pisses me off so much. They're fucking stupid as hell and two of the biggest hypocrites I've ever fucking met. And I'm just really pissed at them and I don't like going over there and having to see them cuz I just want to yell at them and their idiocy.

My laptop is fucked up again. I can't get internet on it. It says I'm connected and shit but when I open my browser it won't connect and neither will AIM or First Class or anything. I'm hoping it's not a virus but I'm thinking it might be. I gotta take it to Kyle to see if he can fix it and if not him then Glen, Brian's brother, and then finally the IT place at school. Why can't I get a decent working piece of equipment, ever? My cars break, my mp3 player is broken, my phones die, my laptop has had every part replaced in it over the past three years, like come ooooon!

We now have a dog, which is also, considered a good thing buuuut she pisses and shits in the house still. She's a 8 or 9 months old German Shepherd puppy and she was house broken before but for some reason, we have her and she's constantly shitting and pissing in Abby's room. First it was just on carpet's but now it's been concentrated to Abby's room even with the carpet gone in there now. And we take her out all the time but she won't go when we take her out. Mom and Abby are always pissed about it and mom is threatening to give her back to Amanda and Dad doesn't care at all because "she never does it to me and you're obviously missing the signs she needs to go out." Which is a crock of shit but he's Mr. Know-It-All and Eevi goes poop and pee for him when he takes her out so whatever. I think it's just cuz she has no scent established in the back yard but no one listens to me. I'll probably end up talking to Lloyd who will say things I already know but no one will listen to me about.

School sucks, as always because I'm a failure and a procrastinator extraordinaire. I should, currently, be doing a lab that's due tomorrow at 1pm but it's not even close to done and going to take forever to do and I'm so mad at myself for not doing it sooner that I don't even want to look at it. And the whole process I need to go through to get articles, which usually turn out useless anyway, is so freaking frustrating and unhelpful that I want to tear my hair out. And I HAVE to do well in ALL my classes this semester or I'm fucked soooo yeah.

I also have no friends. I have people who I used to hang out with but no longer see and I have acquaintances but no real friends, besides Daniel who is my best friend. I tried reconnecting with Kristin over the summer but we hung out like twice. I hung out with Cinnamon about the same amount. I haven't hung out with Kyle in months, same with Brian and Ken. And I also have no one at UMO which sucks a lot. I have no friends in other majors, I have no friends in my major and it blows. I'm alone from 8-5 almost every week day. And Mom and Daniel and Abby wonder why I'd rather skip class to see Daniel.....

GOOD:

Daniel. I love him with all my heart. He's amazing and awesome and the best thing I have. Our one year is a month aaannd like two days away and I'm wicked excited. Hahah. I just want two more years to go by fast already so I can graduate and get the hell out of this state with him. I have no doubts about him and I haven't since we started dating actually, which has never happened. I never get mad at him and when I do get annoyed or pissy I still want to see him and I forgive him easily cuz we never have fights or arguments over anything serious or big. I'm going to try to get a job in Florida this summer so he can move down with me for a few months. I want to live with him so badly. I just want us to have our own apartment and be away from his family and my family and just be independent because this dependent shit is not my style. I also hate having to drive out to him and back all the time. His family just had to live out in the middle of nowhere didn't they? Jeeeesh. Weird to think I'm dating someone I went to high school with. I definitely thought that of all the people I'd fall in love with, it'd be someone from a different state - not someone from school. Hahaha. I just can't say enough about him. I just want to give him everything like a laptop and a car and a new camera and everything. He says he wouldn't accept any of it, but I did get him to let me buy him an external hard drive for his birthday in November and that wasn't super cheap so maybe I can get him a laptop in a couple years and he'll be more accepting. Hahah, just gotta work up to it. I also kinda worry myself because I always criticize those couples that date for like less than a year and are all like oooh I love you so much let's get a place and everything blah blah but I've never been more sure of anything than how much I want to stay with Daniel for a very long time. Anyway, he's basically my rock and my best friend, which is corny and cheesy but whatever. I love him.

I have a place to live and food to eat and I don't have to pay for it. Very very very very grateful for that, even if I don't like that I have to be dependent, I don't really have a choice right now.

My family has been really great lately except my dad getting in my face last week about me saying fucking A by accident about abby hitting me in the foot with the Wii remote. We kinda got into it. But my mom's been awesome with helping me buy school stuff like hip waders, rain jacket, hard hat, etc for my classes. She knows I try really hard so she's willing to help me out (and I'm pretty sure I'm her favorite daughter but shhh). I try not to let her spend her money on me too much though cuz she just buys Abby new stuff all the time so when I go out with them she wants me to get stuff too but I have more than enough clothes and make up and toiletries. My uncle also helped me out sooo much when I went down to Portland last Sunday for a show with Daniel. I got a flat tire twenty minutes out of Portland and had to call a tow truck to help me put the donut on because Daniel and I didn't know where to put the jack and we didn't have anything to get the lugs off with. Such a fail. So I called my uncle, who is a mechanic and he took me to his work garage in Freeport after I'd dropped Daniel off and he put on a used tire from the shop and then told me that the donut only had 18 PSI when it was supposed to have 60 so I could have blown the donut or even had it fly off the rim and sent me into a ditch. He also told me all the other stuff I need to do with my car, which is good to know but is going to cost money I don't have.

I still am working every other weekend at the kennel so I have that paycheck but that's only two days a paycheck so I've been trying to get another job. I think my only choice is Tim Hortons because I can work nights like 5-11 or even 10-3am or something on the days I have class later and on the weekends. So I applied and hopefully I'll hear back and get the job. I also want the second job so I can try to make a lot of money and save up for the trip to Uganda which is, like I said, $2700.

Ummm...OH YEAH! I'm keeping my hair short for now and right now it's red. I got bored with brown. I'm also 21! Woo! haha, it feels good to be over that last hump and now I finally have no more legal barriers for things, except the obviously horrible. But yeah, woo. I got a wii for my birthday so that was sweet. Mom said I'm not getting any Christmas presents because I want to go to Uganda but I'm fine with that. I just want to go so badly.

I think that's it. *big sigh* I also want to state that I know I'm over dramatic about bad things and I know that things aren't really that bad. I just stress about everything pertaining to me and other people I care about so I always end up overwhelming myself and then I tend to forget that there is a tomorrow and this isn't the end of the world. I just get caught up in everything that's happening I forget to step back and breathe. Aaaaand it's good to vent and rant, which is what LJ is for, right? =)

Don't ever accuse me of something I didn't do.

2010-06-04T03:55:07Z

Bad day. Really bad day. I was pissy as soon as I walked into work. Then shit just started happening. It sucked. Also, I have to work until Monday, which is when Daniel and I leave for Florida. So come Monday, I will have worked 8 days in a row cuz I worked all day Monday, mornings on Tues and Wed, nights today and tomorrow, and then mornings Sat-Mon. I'm fucking pissed. Lloyd is obviously trying (and succeeding) in making me grateful for my vacation. He's also making me want to quit, which probably isn't one of his goals, but it sure as hell turned out to be a product of his actions. Some shit happened this past weekend too that pisses me off.

I just want out of Maine. I miss Michigan, I miss being AWAY for months at a time. I want to move out of state and live somewhere else and do something else. I'm done with people here, I'm done with work here, I'm done with taxes here, I'm done with everything. I have no qualms about leaving my family. I'm too much of a burden as it is so me leaving would be a sigh of relief, though they deny it. I could just buy a car wherever I wanted to go. Since I'm with Daniel, I'd probably move to Florida. I don't think he'll live anywhere else. I wouldn't mind that. I'm sure there are a plethora of wildlife jobs down there what with all the exotics they harbor from idiotic people.

I just feel like I'm constantly drowning here. I can't ever get ahead or even stay even. Something always happens to fuck me over. I really can't ever win. I know moving probably wouldn't solve anything but a change of scenery would give me a hope for a new start. Being away from all the bullshit here. My family, Dan's family, the kennel, everything. I need friends. And a car.

Update with a splash of self loathing.

2010-05-28T00:19:49Z

Well, I haven't updated in a while. I've been working and going to class every day so it's been really hectic. My speech class ends tomorrow thank goooooood! Still have my music class which shouldn't be too bad but I'm really upset with myself because I forgot we had an exam last night so I didn't freaking get to it so it's gonna really hurt my grade. I'm not gonna do well in my speech class cuz I skipped a speech day cuz I didn't think I'd do a good job. I should have sucked it up and stayed up to do my speech notes and gone cuz I'm barely gonna scrape by with a C. Otherwise I would have gotten an A. Yeah, sucks.

Also, I have to buy ANOTHER car. Apparently my bumper is too messed up or what the fuck ever so it's not worth fixing. Mind you, I don't have the money for a new car so I'm fucked and I'm upset and pissed and panicking.

Florida in a week and three days though so that'll be soo amazingly wonderful. Ever since Daniel's mother decided to hate me, I haven't been allowed at his house so I haven't stayed with him in two weeks and let me tell you, it's really hard. I miss it. It's stupid but true. I miss just laying with him. Bleh. But, like I said, Flooorida in a week and I get to sleep with him every night then. And then we move out in August *crosses fingers* idk though. I'm kind of freaking out because of all this financial bullshit. If only I hadn't fucking sucked and gotten in that accident. I hate myself so much. It's just like asd;lkjef;jk;afslkjba;wklegv. Like, I'd have saved myself a $2000 loan that I'm gonna try to take out from the bank to get a fucking car. Then comes registering, insuring, and inspecting it. I hate Maine for that, btw. They fuck you up the asshole for registration and are the biggest bastards for inspection that it's not even funny.

Anyway, I'm just hoping I can get a car, not get screwed over in payments for the car loan, and get a house by the end of July. That's all I want. Haha, it's a lot though. Not gonna happen with my luck but oh well.

Done!

2010-05-06T22:05:12Z

I am done with spring semester as of Tuesday! Yayayay! But wait...I start classes again on Monday. Yeah. Not looking forward to that. Public Communications ftl. Also taking an intro music class online for my creative and expression gen ed which shouldn't be that bad except the book is supposedly a custom version for UMaine so I HAVE to pay full fuckin price for it on campus but I think I'll just buy it online anyway. It's a three week class so fuck him if he thinks I'm gonna pay 150 bucks for a book. I'll buy it online and pay 50 and be done with it.

ANYway, I have no car right now. Well, no drivable car considering my front bumper is mangled. Got in a car accident Monday. Nothing serious- my fuckin fault of course so no insurance coverage. I'm trying to find a bumper at junk places and such. I need the car back on track ASAP so I'm hoping Greenpoint has one and that'll be done quick enough. I'll have to call tomorrow after work.

No car means I haven't been able to see Daniel for three days now. It's actually terrible. Haha. Like I miss him and want to see him soooo badly. I like sleeping and waking up next to him and just being with him in general. I feel like this means I'm a) pathetic and b)really in love with him and c) super pathetic. Hahaha. Oh well. I'm trying to get dad to let me use the explorer tomorrow so we can go to the movies or just hang our at his house. *crosses fingers*

Bleh. I'm going to Florida in a month though! Wooooo! Dan and I buy our return tickets tomorrow and they're only fuckin fifty bucks a piece! Hell yeah. So basically, before taxes and luggage, round trip, this was 90 bucks. with taxes and luggage it's like an extra 100 bucks but still, that's epic. I just have to figure out how to break it to Mom since we need to borrow Nuvi. haha.

Work's been ok. Pretty standard but not bad at all. Slow days and not a full kennel for me to clean which is nice. All my bath dogs have been perfect so that's nice. Though now that I said that, they'll be terrible. Haha. I get paid tomorrow which is sooo good considering I've had 3 bucks for the past two weeks. hahah. Failuuuuure. I HATE biweekly paychecks.

So very close yet so very far.

2010-04-27T05:08:59Z

A week and two days left of school. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. I only have one legitimate final so I really shouldn't be too worried (especially since I'm going to get an F in the class anyway) but I just have SO MUCH STATS TO DO THIS WEEK! I have a lab to finish, two lab rewrites to finish, an extra credit assignment and an optional assignment that will replace the hardest questions on the last oral exam. I also have to write two 3 page ethics essays for my last exam in that class (due Thursday morning). So I just don't know how I'm going to get it all done with NO LAPTOP!

Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, my laptop has decided, yet again, to shit on me. Daniel turned it on last Wed and there was no taskbar or start menu and I could open folders, word documents, and powerpoints and some pictures. But not excel or games or certain images. Weird and very annoying. At first I was like oh joy, another fucking virus/trojan, but I ran diagnostics and it said the self drive test failed and gave me a Dell error code. Thus, I'm under the assumption it's a hardware issue, which SUCKS because my hard drive was just replaced about a year ago and I CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE ALL OF THAT STATS WORK I HAD. Like, seriously, those excel sheets for all my stats labs, took hours and hours to do. It's all my calculation and graphs and tables and fuck my life right now. UGH. I took it to the computer fix it place on campus and they said they'd look at it and see if they could back up my data for me and fix the problem. If not, they'd call Dell for me to get the part replaced. They said data backup would be $60 and some other service was like $90. Well, sorry to say, I only have $60 for the next two weeks and I have to have gas for those two weeks as well as send out the third book I sold on Amazon. I'm going to go in tomorrow after my class to see if they've fixed it and what's up with it and hopefully they did a back up so I can pay them the last cents to my name for two weeks and have my shit back.

I have the worst luck with technology. Honestly. I want a new laptop so badly since I've had SO many issues with the one I have but I still have a year's worth of warranty on it and I want to use that up. Besides the fact I can't even come close to affording a new one anyway.

On the up side though, since I'm back at the kennel for the summer, it means I'll be making money which means I'll be able to afford to go to Florida with Daniel!!! We bought the tickets for the trip down the other day (only 40 bucks a person!!! not including the freaking 25 bucks for ONE fucking bag and then all the taxes and shit) But yeah, it was good to get those. We're gonna buy the tickets for the return trip when we both get paid next week (it's cheaper than buying round trip) so that'll be exciting too. We leave June 7th and come back the 15th and I can't wait! My mom doesn't know yet so shhhhh. She and Dad will be pissed I'm going on vacation since I always complain about not having money but the kennel checks will definitely boost my bank account. Anyway, we don't have to pay for a hotel cuz we're staying at Dan's relative's house and they also might let us use one of their cars so we might not even have to rent a vehicle! Either way though, I'll have to do all the driving, which makes me nervous cuz the only city I've driven in is Bangor! Haha, so thaaat should be interesting. I couldn't even drive in Boston (I had no idea where I was going) so driving down in the big cities of Florida should just be greeeeeat. I just can't wait to get away. I don't like Maine and ever since Michigan, I don't like living at home and being in Maine all the time. I'm gonna try like hell to move out of state once I graduate.

Anyway, I've written more than I'd originally intended and it's late and I have my last environmental ethics class in 8 hours so bed would be good.

Long post is long.

2010-04-13T05:25:01Z

Three more weeks of school. I'm dying for it to be here. I can't take one more day of chemistry or economics. I hate both and don't understand economics for the freaking life of me. I'm gonna get an A in Environmental Ethics, this I know. Also an A in my field trip class, which is really just a pass or fail class so it doesn't help my GPA (=[ which I could really use right now ). I'm thinking a B in my Stats class. Maaaaybe an A if I can get an A on the last exam. Chem lab is pretty good with the lab reports. I didn't do so hot on the first lab exam though. If I don't pick it up with the last exam next week, I might not do so well in the class. I'm failing chemistry. 99% sure. Economics...eeeeeh, I'm thinking maybe a C or a D, honestly. At least it's not a fail though. However, I don't know how failling chemistry will fare with my current status as on academic probation.....=\ I can't imagine it's gonna be good. Dylan scared me a bit cuz he said if you fail a class on probation, you get suspended for a semester and I definitely CANNOT afford to have that happen. Then Daniel said he thought that it was only if you got below a certain GPA so idk. I'm just praying I won't get suspended.

The family is leaving Friday after Mom gets out of work to go to our timeshare in NH for April break so that means....I get the house to myself for a week!!!! YAY! Daniel's coming over and staying all weekend and partway into the week until I have to work on Thursday and then he's back again Friday and maybe Saturday. I'm so excited! I never get alone alone time with Daniel, it's usually "alone" time when we're upstairs sleeping before Al and Dill come to bed. Otherwise, Abby, Noah, Alex, Dylan, and their parents are always around or when at my house (which never happens), my family is around. Sooooo, it'll be nice to just be able to chill with him at my house and just watch movies and hang out by ourselves. Oh, and have uninterrupted sex or sex where we're paranoid someone will walk in. That will definitely be a plus. Hahahah. I do love him a lot a lot. =)

Oooo! And he and I are renting a house with a couple friends starting in July/August-ish I do believe, (well I'll be moving in late August/September) so I'm pretty freaking pumped for that. None of us have any money saved up right now since all of our jobs gave us shit for hours all winter so we have to save up for a deposit and first month's rent. But we've been looking around and we've found some pretty legit places. And only like 900-1000 a month and between 4 people, that's only like 200-300 a month. Not too shabby, imo. And I'm gonna be applying for food stamps. Dylan already has them and so does Nikki but Dan and I are gonna apply for them so we'll all be set for groceries. Daniel and I are gonna have to buy a queen/king size bed for our room but other than that, I think purchases should be pretty cheap when split between the four of us. We're also getting a dog, which I'm freaking pumped about because I miss having a dog in my life, like a lot. I've been looking at Great Danes and I actually found some for 600 but that's gonna wait for another year or two. We'll definitely be getting a humane society dog. Everyone agreed a pit mix would be sweet. And a kitten. I want a puppy puppy not like a year old puppy but we'll see what they have there in a few months.

It's so weird to think that I'm going to be moving in with my boyfriend and by the time we move in together, it'll have been almost 1 year. Soooo weird. It's 6 months this week actually- on Friday. like wooow. And I don't plan on not having him around any time soon (obv, I'm signing a 1 year lease with him in four months. hahaha) And then, as Daniel pointed out today, at the end of the lease, we'll have been together 2 years. Yeah, a little far away, I do realize. I think that's called counting your chickens...hahah, but yeah. I'm just really happy with this aspect of things right now. Anyway, I'm glad to be moving out in a few months. I've been staying with Daniel at his house with him so often that I'm rarely home for more than a night or two a week. My mom and little sister are really really good at laying the guilt on for that. But it's just so easy to stay at Daniel's. A) because it's a 20-25 minute drive from my house to there so why not jsut stay instead of driving all the way home and B) I love being with him. I've spent two weeks straight with him and days and days in a row with him and I never get sick of him. That's never happened before with anyone, except maybe stacey, but that doesn't count cuz she's not a boy and we lived together. hahaha. I love how he makes me feel and I miss him even if I haven't seen him for like 8 hours. Pathetic right? haha, but yeah. I just always want to be around him so why would I spend time at home away from him, where he isn't welcome, when I can just stay with him at his house where I'm appreciated and welcomed and I can see him all the time? Seems like a no-brainer to me. Mom doesn't try to understand though and Abby's too young, immature, and self-centered (as all 15 year olds are) to understand.

I haven't told Mom about my moving out yet. I think she'll scoff at the idea, like she does everything I do. She'd say I didn't have the money and even if I did, the money wouldn't last through the school year and I'd have to move out. And that it's a terrible idea to move in with Daniel because we'll end up breaking up and then what? No positivity, just negativity. She should be happy, I'm getting out of her way so she won't be annoyed I'm not home because I won't live here anymore. She just likes draggin me down I think. She told me the other day when I was talking about how excited I was to graduate in two years that there was no way I was going to graduate in two more years because I'd just keep failing classes and having to retake them and then walked away. Such love.

Anyway, I'm also excited for three months from now cuz Daniel and I are going to Florida to see his family and just take a vacation. A whole week down there- I can't waaaaait. Warmth and sun and sand and ocean. And of course, being with Daniel for a week away from Maine is going to be fun. His uncle was kind enough to offer us a place at his house and to let us possibly borrow one of his cars, which is awesome cuz then we won't have to get a hotel or rent a car! It's gonna be a good trip and tickets are only 245 bucks round trip. Pretty sweet.

I'm stuck working at the kennel again this summer. No other place will pay me $9.00/hr and give me guaranteed 35-38 hours a week. So, I will suck it up and do it. Plus, I need all the money I can make since I plan on moving out in a few months. I just have to try so hard to ignore all the Chatty Cathys that work there (though Katie is gone! yay!) and just focus on doing my work. The vacation in July should help relieve some of the frustration that is bound to have built by then. They'll be excited I can work the weekend of the 4th though. I always have to. Asses. I am a pushover though. I could say no, but I don't. Besides, legitimately no one else will work it except Sandy and you need one other kennel tech so whatever. I'm trying to make some extra money by selling my old textbooks. I have quite a pile, but I don't think they'll sell on Amazon. I checked the prices of them on half.com and half of them are only worth like 3 bucks. And I fucking paid 50-200 for them. I fucking hate that so much. Textbook companies just love fucking college students out of money like that.

"Yeah, we all are golden here. And summer, and summer, where night belongs to lust and lovers. And summer, and summer, and I am here to win you over. You will be mine this year. (This year, that's right, this is the one, this year.)"

it's 4 am. I have class at 9:30 and have to be up at 8.

2010-02-25T09:12:24Z

Sometimes I wish I hadn't read those words you wrote so I wouldn't feel this sickening of my heart. It's not your fault, it's mine for hoping I could continue to ignore this and push it back down where it belongs. Buried deep inside, not to be seen again. This weakness is allowed solely for when I need it most but it seems I need it more and more. I'm getting transparent, soon you'll see right through me.

=(

2010-02-01T02:31:53Z

I miss how things used to be, when you meant so much more to me. Before the let down and disappointment and insistence to prove me wrong and everyone else right. I still love you just as much, just not with so much respect as your age has shown itself and made me realize how skewed my perspective really was.

animorph @ 2009-11-30T18:53:00

2009-11-30T23:53:38Z

He makes me happy. I'm not doing anything I usually do and I'm just in shock that things are the way they are. I just hope this lasts and I don't mess up.

Thanksgiving....yay....

2009-11-27T02:28:55Z

Woke up at 12:45 this afternoon after going to bed at 4 am. Gauged one ear to a 14, the other one is retarded and wouldn't go through cuz I repierced it wrong on my own a few years ago. Fixing that tomorrow, hopefully. Abby and Megan bitched at each other earlier and then Dad cut his finger open on a piece of glass in the trash can. Sliced it front tip to the first joint on his ring finger. Looked pretty bad but, of course, he refused to go to the ER, tried to go to the clinic and it was closed. So he just kept it wrapped all up. Probably wont' go get it looked at it, cuz he's like that.

We didn't eat til 5:30, I was staving. Then I found out that Megan and Dad finished the cookie dough ice cream last night and the only pie we had was peach and then an apple cranberry crisp. Boo and boo. =( So basically a bleh day all around. Hopefully tomorrow will be better since I'll be chilling with Cinnamon and at the show and stuff.

*sigh* Ah well. Not always going to have a good day, every day.

=]

2009-11-20T04:36:58Z

Funny how I never update when I'm happy and am having a good time, you'd think I'd want to remember good times too. Haha. Well, times have been good, for the first time in a long time, actually. Dan's awesome and I just like him so much, but I'm trying not to jinx things/overthink things/fuck things up like I usually do so that's all I'll say. Haha. Ummm...work sucks. I really want a new job but at the same time I don't because it's a familiar thing now. I know what I'm doing and it's easy, it's just SO BORING. And we can't read or do homework or anything, we just have to stand there, even when there are NO customers. It drives me insane.

I HAVE A CAR! YES! I'm excited. I haven't named her yet. But she's very reliable and I hope she lasts me a long time.

Abby's having some hard times with boys. Cuz they suck and seem to like to hurt her, which makes me upset, of course. Every time she lets one of them in, which doesn't happen often at all, he ends up hurting her. It makes it hard to trust and I hate seeing her upset once the guy moves on before she does. =( I'm trying to help her out though...I just can't make her get over someone before she's ready to.

School is iffy. I mean, one class is cake, bug class could be cake if I studied more. Same with my plant class....but insteeeead, I'm kind of failing. =\ >_> Not good. So I need to bust my ass to scrape by with a C. FAIL KIRA, FAIL! Next semester I'm gonna have to do better. Then again, I say this every semester and never do. Why do I suck?

I want a dog. Badly. I miss having a big cuddly doofus to love me. Dan just isn't enough. bahahaha. but seriously, I think I'll give my mom til this summer and then I'm going to the Humane Society to get one, since she'd KILL me if I got a Great Dane like I want. Haha.

So all in all though, life is good. And I hope it stays this way. Thanksgiving break in a week. I get three days off. Then two weeks of school then exams, then three weeks of winter break. Compared to the one and a half at Michigan, fucking riiiiight!

animorph @ 2009-11-02T00:52:00

2009-11-02T05:52:41Z

I hate feeling insecure.