It seems like sometimes I ask Sparkly for things and she says no or suggests a compromise and it’s fine and nobody gets stressed or anything. And then other times she does what I ask her to but is really upset that I even asked. I don’t know what to do to stop that from happening.

Okay so I have unreasonably strong feelings about diets, you guys.

RDG just said on Facebook that she’s starting a cleanse-type thing. It involves not eating any carbs or sugar, among other things, for a couple of weeks. Her mom is doing it with her. Normally she hates it when her mom talks to her about diet stuff, because her mom likes to guilt her about her weight and make her feel insecure about what she eats. Fuck.

It’s not my place to tell her what to do but fuck I hate the idea of cleanses and I am also suspicious of any idea about food that comes from her mom.

I know I don’t really get her point of view because I’ve never been as big as she is, but the more I see the more I’m convinced that I seriously dodged a bullet by never really getting involved in dieting, and I’m scared for her. It’s so easy to get into messed-up thinking about food. There are so many awful ideas floating around dressed up as cool healthy things to do.

I don’t usually doubt my own feelings about what’s good for me, but…

For some reason today I ran across a whole bunch of different people talking about nail-biting and hair-pulling and lip-biting and so forth, and how they struggle with them and are trying to stop. And it’s making me start to doubt my usual confidence that the things I do aren’t bad for me.

Continue reading “I don’t usually doubt my own feelings about what’s good for me, but…” →

Dear RDG,

What do you want out of this situation?

Because I have to admit, it seems like Sparkly is right and you were expecting this to go like the plot of a romance novel.

You told her you wanted to break things off. You said you felt like she was just using you for sex, like she didn’t really appreciate you– in fact, you said you weren’t sure if it’s possible to have a friends-with-benefits relationship that doesn’t consist of using someone for sex.

But then you said that you’re upset with her for avoiding you after you said all this.

So it kind of seems like when you said “I don’t want to do this anymore,” you actually meant “Please reassure me that you want me.”

The advice I have for you is this: If that’s what you want, you’re going to have to ask for it in so many words. And it would probably help if you apologized for not being clear about it from the start.

I’m scared that you guys are going to keep talking around the real issue and just keep hurting each other’s feelings more.

For the sake of thoroughness, let me tell you why (I think) this was never going to cause Sparkly to try to win you back somehow.

1. Sparkly is kind of scared of being vulnerable in relationships. She’s never going to beg and plead about anything. She’s going to avoid being the person who can’t get over it, the person who’s hurt, as much as she possibly can. She is hurt, and she liked what you had together, and she cares about you, but she isn’t going to say anything besides “If that’s what you want, then fine,” and distance herself from it as quickly as she can.

2. Sparkly cares a lot about consent, and not pressuring people, and not making unfair demands on people. She cares about it mainly because people keep treating her like shit in that respect.

(a) So of course she’s not going to try to make you change your mind about breaking up. She trusts you to mean what you say, and she’s respecting your stated decision.

(b) She’s extremely sensitive to what seems like you trying to manipulate her into reassuring you, and also to you saying that she has to respond to you and not ignore you. She’s angry with you for that, and her way of dealing with what seems like manipulation is to refuse to give you what you want.

Actually, this deserves recording:

After about 8 months since the last time I threw up, I have somehow finally found a place where I can tell that the way I feel when I’m hungry and anxious isn’t actually proper nausea. (This may be related to me being able to remember throwing up without feeling all scared and triggery and NO about it.)

So then I just have to deal with the anxiety.

Why the fuck did my body’s whole way of dealing with stress have to suddenly change? And actually, it changed twice: for a while I’d be “very slightly nauseous” and dizzy, and have this running litany of what if in the back of my mind, but my heart rate would be normal and I wouldn’t feel actually anxious. Now, my heart beats faster, I tense up, I shake, I do feel anxious and scared. And sometimes I’m scared because of some approximation of feeling nauseous, but sometimes it’s literally nothing.

I guess this is just me having delayed reactions, as usual, but on a really big scale. Lucky me.

Dear RDG,

I sort of feel bad for even asking to go with you to the sex toy shop. I had no idea you had conflicted feelings about it. I feel like I’ve totally put my foot in it by wanting to know about what you and Sparkly are doing at all, because clearly there were a lot more FEELINGS going on about that than I thought. I’m really sorry.

Though, on the other hand, the reason I thought you were totally cool about dildos was because you said you were. You talked about it in front of me, you said it was okay for Sparkly to tell me about it. And Sparkly told me you were just mildly embarrassed about having me there.

I don’t even really know what the issue is? And the truth is I don’t need to know, but now I’m scared that I’ll accidentally do something that’ll upset you. …I promise I will not make this a problem. Your sex life (even the part of it that’s also Sparkly’s sex life) is none of my business and I don’t need to be involved, even though there’s a part of me that says “Let me help you!”

The other reason I don’t like being thin:

it leaves Reference Desk Girl as the fat girl in an apartment of really thin girls.

She had only met me once or twice when I was the weight that’s normal and healthy for me, and it was a while ago, so apparently she thinks of me as a skinny girl who hardly eats anything, instead of as a sadly underfed girl with acid reflux who keeps forgetting to eat because she’s totally lost touch with her sense of hunger.

But I don’t think there’s any way to tell her this without making it seem like I’m making her problems about my problems. I just really wish there was something I could do.

It doesn’t help that Sparkly somehow manages to believe that RDG would weigh less if she simply ate less. I am considering (metaphorically) pouring the contents of my “fat acceptance” bookmark folder on her head. It doesn’t help that Sparkly feels like RDG’s “I’m embarrassed to be a fat person eating in front of thin people who aren’t eating” is an indictment of her in some way, so I’m caught between “Darling, calm down, it isn’t your fault, it’s not about you” and “You think it’s as simple as calories in, calories out? Really? Come on! Also RDG doesn’t actually eat that much!”

But I can’t actually get her to understand either of those things, or really show RDG that nobody here is judging her. People don’t just pick up big fundamental ideas like that. They get to them when they’re ready. Which is why I need to just nod to myself over my last post (people not changing their fundamental beliefs, yeah) and be a sympathetic listener and not try to shove my epiphanies on other people, because it won’t work.

I’ve been having trouble with anxiety lately. I guess it’s all anxiety, anyway. A few times I’ve felt really tense and anxious for no reason at all. And also, when I’ve had a reason for feeling anxious, I’ve been trembling a lot, more than I used to.

Well, step 1 is turn the alarm that reminds me to eat lunch back on. Skipping meals isn’t good for me, no matter what else is going on.

I am having silly anxious feelings about Sparkly and Reference Desk Girl.

I think that mainly I just need to get over them, and the situation that’s causing me to feel anxious may just be temporary, but I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel them, so I’m going to write them down here.

Yesterday, Sparkly and RDG and one of RDG’s friends (who we can call Rainbow) went to a sex toy shop (a nice, non-sketchy one.) I wanted to come along, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be welcome, so I asked. At first RDG said it was okay, but then the day before yesterday she changed her mind. So I didn’t go.

I asked Sparkly if she knew why RDG didn’t want me to come along– I sort of wanted to know for future reference, if this was a one-time thing, or if she doesn’t want to talk about sex with me at all, or what. Sparkly said that she thinks RDG is embarrassed to flirt/talk about sexy things with Sparkly when I’m there, because of Sparkly’s and my relationship. Sparkly said that RDG knows intellectually that I don’t mind Sparkly having other partners, but that she still feels awkward when I’m there.

So they went, and after they came back we all talked for a while, and I got to meet Rainbow. When Rainbow left, Sparkly said she needed to have a private talk with RDG, and she wanted to have it in our bedroom, and would I leave them alone? (This is what caused that silly post last night.) So I made myself dinner, and they talked for a long while and then played Borderlands for a long while, so in the end I didn’t get to talk to Sparkly before I went to bed.

So this morning, I asked Sparkly how things were between her and RDG, and was I allowed to know anything about what they did at the sex toy shop or what they talked about? And she said “I don’t know” in the way that means “I plead the fifth,” and said she didn’t want to talk about it.

Lately she hasn’t wanted to tell me anything about what she and RDG are doing, although she used to, and that makes me feel all anxious. I sort of feel like it’s bad for me to want to know about something she wants to keep private, but here’s why:

I liked when Sparkly used to tell me about things she did with other people, because I feel like it helped me get to know her and what she likes. Sometimes she was explicitly telling me because she’d found something new that she liked, and she wanted me to try it with her. I definitely learned a lot about what she likes because of things that she tried with other people. I also learned that there are some things she likes that I can’t do well at all (mainly because I’m four inches shorter than she is), which is okay and good to know.

So when she doesn’t want to tell me about something, I feel like she’s keeping things about herself secret from me, and that’s a sad feeling even though obviously she is allowed to do that. And then the silly part of my brain tries to convince me that she doesn’t want to talk to me about it because RDG is obviously more awesome than me in every way, so Sparkly doesn’t need me for anything anymore.

What should I do about this, besides tell the insecure part of my brain to sit down and shut up?

I’m not sure. I’d sort of like to know why she doesn’t want to talk to me about these things anymore. But I feel like I’ve already been too pushy, if she feels like she has to say “I don’t know” instead of “I’m not going to tell you about that”.

You with the sparkles. It stresses me out when you read over my shoulder.

I read a lot of things that you would disagree with, or that you just don’t have the frame of reference to understand, and sometimes I don’t want to have to explain and justify them to you. Especially if I’m not sure how I feel about them myself.