Tag: polyamory

More Rambling about Polyamory

Something just reminded me of the period of time when Sparkly and I were both in high school, and Sparkly was dating a guy. And. Heh. My (non-jealous) reaction to that, in retrospect, predicts pretty well that I would end up polyamorous.

I’m not sure if I was aware of polyamory at the time, and I definitely wasn’t thinking of my feelings for Sparkly as either romantic or sexual then, but. Still.

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So, for the majority of the time before we both left for college, Sparkly and I saw each other only once a week for choir rehearsal, and only got to actually talk to each other for maybe half an hour total? A few minutes before and after rehearsal, plus the fifteen-minute break. That was the only time in which I saw or talked to em at all. I saw my only actual friends for half an hour once a week, plus a concert or two.

At this time, I had a cell phone and Sparkly didn’t, and eir mother heavily limited and policed how much ey could use the phone at home. When ey started dating this guy, that meant ey had no regular way to talk to him outside of school. So– I don’t remember who first suggested it, but I let em use my phone during that fifteen-minute break, so ey could talk to him. And as I remember it, ey would spend pretty much the whole fifteen-minute break on the phone, and sometimes I’d sit by em and keep em company, and I felt a bit sad about not getting to talk to em as much, but mostly I was genuinely glad that I could help em talk to this guy, who ey really liked and who made em happy. I was really glad that I could make that happen, even though it meant significantly less time with em for me.

And now, of course, I feel the same way, except that I can spend plenty of time with em, and I have the knowledge that ey is committed to me and considers me equal to Numbers Guy to fall back on when I do feel lonely, and it doesn’t feel even a little bit like a sacrifice.

So I’ve actually been inclined towards polyamory since well before I ever experienced real sexual attraction or fell in love. Like several years before. Huh.

This is an exception to the usual things I put on this blog. It’s something I probably should tell more of my friends about, because I suspect some of them have been worrying about me needlessly. I feel like people may assume, since Sparkly is the one actually dating more than one person, and since she’s so much more outgoing than me, that maybe she pressured me into having an open relationship. That’s not true at all.

I’ve known I would be comfortable with polyamory/an open relationship since I first heard of the idea. This was well before I started dating Sparkly. I didn’t have any strong desire to be dating more than one person (which is why I’m not) but I was sure I wouldn’t have any problem with my partner also dating someone else. I don’t think I really understand why anyone has a problem with that.

I didn’t bring it up with her at first, because she seemed pretty focused on monogamy, but I was the one who actually brought it up as a serious possibility when Sparkly started flirting with Reference Desk Girl.

People on Tumblr are talking about polyamory and awkward stuff.

Like the idea of one of your partners having “veto power” over what you do with other people.
“Often people structure their poly this way (so that people have veto power over what is done with others) to make people feel safer, but the setup often ends up with people feeling devalued and angry instead.”

I feel bad about the situation with Sparkly and RDG.  I was vague.  I was cautious about what I told her I was okay with, for no actual good reason.  (I got caught in the pull of “but that’s what happens to everbody, right?” a little bit.)  So I didn’t want to say they could have sex, because I ridiculously thought I might get jealous, and so I was vague and confusing about what I was okay with.

And Sparkly I guess took it as a definite no, partly because she didn’t want to upset me and partly because things that are a little bit wrong but not actually dangerous are sexy to her.  (And to me too.  I definitely don’t fault her for that, at all.)

I feel like I did wrong by being so vague, like maybe I made things worse.  I feel bad for putting RDG in that position.  I want to keep that kind of sexy strictly to things that are completely harmless.

I am having silly anxious feelings about Sparkly and Reference Desk Girl.

I think that mainly I just need to get over them, and the situation that’s causing me to feel anxious may just be temporary, but I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel them, so I’m going to write them down here.

Yesterday, Sparkly and RDG and one of RDG’s friends (who we can call Rainbow) went to a sex toy shop (a nice, non-sketchy one.)  I wanted to come along, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be welcome, so I asked.  At first RDG said it was okay, but then the day before yesterday she changed her mind.  So I didn’t go.

I asked Sparkly if she knew why RDG didn’t want me to come along– I sort of wanted to know for future reference, if this was a one-time thing, or if she doesn’t want to talk about sex with me at all, or what.  Sparkly said that she thinks RDG is embarrassed to flirt/talk about sexy things with Sparkly when I’m there, because of Sparkly’s and my relationship.  Sparkly said that RDG knows intellectually that I don’t mind Sparkly having other partners, but that she still feels awkward when I’m there.

So they went, and after they came back we all talked for a while, and I got to meet Rainbow.  When Rainbow left, Sparkly said she needed to have a private talk with RDG, and she wanted to have it in our bedroom, and would I leave them alone?  (This is what caused that silly post last night.)  So I made myself dinner, and they talked for a long while and then played Borderlands for a long while, so in the end I didn’t get to talk to Sparkly before I went to bed.

So this morning, I asked Sparkly how things were between her and RDG, and was I allowed to know anything about what they did at the sex toy shop or what they talked about?  And she said “I don’t know” in the way that means “I plead the fifth,” and said she didn’t want to talk about it.

Lately she hasn’t wanted to tell me anything about what she and RDG are doing, although she used to, and that makes me feel all anxious.  I sort of feel like it’s bad for me to want to know about something she wants to keep private, but here’s why:

I liked when Sparkly used to tell me about things she did with other people, because I feel like it helped me get to know her and what she likes.  Sometimes she was explicitly telling me because she’d found something new that she liked, and she wanted me to try it with her.  I definitely learned a lot about what she likes because of things that she tried with other people.  I also learned that there are some things she likes that I can’t do well at all (mainly because I’m four inches shorter than she is), which is okay and good to know.

So when she doesn’t want to tell me about something, I feel like she’s keeping things about herself secret from me, and that’s a sad feeling even though obviously she is allowed to do that.  And then the silly part of my brain tries to convince me that she doesn’t want to talk to me about it because RDG is obviously more awesome than me in every way, so Sparkly doesn’t need me for anything anymore.

What should I do about this, besides tell the insecure part of my brain to sit down and shut up?

I’m not sure.  I’d sort of like to know why she doesn’t want to talk to me about these things anymore.  But I feel like I’ve already been too pushy, if she feels like she has to say “I don’t know” instead of “I’m not going to tell you about that”.