Tag: sex

This is an exception to the usual things I put on this blog. It’s something I probably should tell more of my friends about, because I suspect some of them have been worrying about me needlessly. I feel like people may assume, since Sparkly is the one actually dating more than one person, and since she’s so much more outgoing than me, that maybe she pressured me into having an open relationship. That’s not true at all.

I’ve known I would be comfortable with polyamory/an open relationship since I first heard of the idea. This was well before I started dating Sparkly. I didn’t have any strong desire to be dating more than one person (which is why I’m not) but I was sure I wouldn’t have any problem with my partner also dating someone else. I don’t think I really understand why anyone has a problem with that.

I didn’t bring it up with her at first, because she seemed pretty focused on monogamy, but I was the one who actually brought it up as a serious possibility when Sparkly started flirting with Reference Desk Girl.

Maybe I really should call myself gray-a

(Meaning, in a “gray area” where you’re sort of asexual but not exactly.)

I never really spent that much time reading about asexuality, the first time around (because a lot of what I found was aimed at people who are actively disgusted by sex, which I was already sure was not me.) I gave up on the idea for two reasons:

  • I actually had sex for the first time and discovered I could really enjoy it.
  • I got started on the idea that it was the kinds of things I noticed and found attractive that were unusual, not the attraction I ended up with.

But just now (because of something I was reading) I asked myself, would I feel satisfied in a romantic relationship without sex? And I think I would. I think I’d be fine with that. I enjoy sex (a lot), and I do have some “sex drive”/desire for sexual pleasure, but if my partner was okay with me masturbating occasionally, I think I’d be okay with not having sex. And that’s probably not normal, is it? Even if it’s not asexuality, it’s not normal.

I do sometimes (rarely) just out-of-the-blue want sex, and specifically partnered sex, not masturbation. I do sometimes look at Sparkly and think “I want to touch you/have sex with you/etc” instead of “you’re beautiful”– rarely. But the vast majority of the time, my mind just doesn’t do things that way.

Two good things (one tmi)

I heard about the game Flight Rising months ago, but it was closed to new players due to server limitations. A few days ago they finally reopened it to new players, and now I have an account! I feel a little uninformed about how the combat aspects work (IMO it’s pretty clear that it started as a “collect cool things” game, not a “fight monsters” game) but totally surrendering to the impulse of “I want that one because it’s SO PRETTY” is really nice. My userpage is now linked in the “about me”, so you can go critique my dragon fashion choices if you want.

Second good thing: Good Vibrations had a sale recently, and I bought a strap-on-able dildo. I’m planning on making my own harness for it, which I haven’t actually started yet, so I wasn’t able to use it exactly as intended… but Sparkly and I broke it in last night and it was amazing. She really enjoyed it.

How “normal” invades your mind and also sex things, so, TMI warning.

A while ago I made a list of my things that you could call problems with textures. 

I forgot one, I guess because in my mind it’s a normal thing to dislike and so somehow it didn’t count, even though it has way more of an effect on my life than any of the others???  This is why ironclad categories of “normal” and “abnormal problem” are no fun. 

I don’t like wet slippery things on my mouth.

Like:

  • I don’t care about the texture of pasta once it’s in my mouth, but really soft slippery long noodles are not fun when they’re dangling out of my mouth and touching my lips.  Especially when they’re cold ugh.
  • I don’t like wet, sloppy kisses very much.  I have no problem with tongues touching each other or being inside each other’s mouths, but I’d rather my lips be mostly dry.

I’m talking about this because I gave Sparkly oral today.  And I used a dental dam because I thought that would make it easier, and it kind of did, but it also brought me right up against the aforementioned “cold wet slippery things” problem.  I managed to find a way to do it that was okay, but pushing through that before I figured it out was hard work.  I’m honestly a little surprised that I can do it.  That sort of thing is mental heavy lifting for sure. 

Sparkly was so good about it, though.  She was so appreciative.

And somehow I also really want to try it again, because I think I can make it better for her and for me.

(In other news, even flavored dental dams still taste a bit like plastic.  Also I do not have a latex sensitivity.)

WOO TRAUMA

I’ve always told Sparkly that she doesn’t have to worry about asking me for things re: sex, that I don’t feel pressured, that I won’t agree to anything I don’t actually want to do.  Turns out this is because if I try to tell myself I should compromise at all, my jerkbrain comes out with “You aren’t allowed to have bad days or moods or problems, especially not weird problems.  You should always be able to do that.  Or at the very least you should throw yourself at it and die trying, to prove that you really can’t do it.”

I didn’t think I had issues about sex, and I don’t, really.  And I don’t have issues about saying no.

But I have huge mountains of issues about saying “I can’t”, and about needing things that aren’t normal or that I “shouldn’t” need.

Nov 9. Random petty shit from like a year ago

There were a couple of times when RDG and Sparkly did things, and Sparkly essentially came to me for the “aftercare”– she came back to our room still all high on endorphins, and tired, and hungry, and I tucked her into bed and got her water and a snack.

And I always thought it was less than nice of RDG to not take care of Sparkly herself.

I’m sort of in an awkward in-between place for writing about this.  It’s not remotely over or settled, but there’s a lot of backstory that I have to explain before I can get to where I am now.  But I think I should write about it.

When we first had sex, Sparkly and I tried doing oral.  It was interesting but not orgasm-producing for me, and I really didn’t like giving and stopped after barely doing anything.

And I did my best not to be hurtful about it but apparently Sparkly has been feeling really hurt all this time.

Sparkly is worried that she’s upset me or made it worse by telling me how she feels, but it’s actually okay because she’s upset but not about what my jerkbrain is worried about.  She’s not judging me for not liking it, or expecting me to get over that.  She’s never done anything like that, and I’m really grateful.

I made a proper comment

on this post, but here are my rambly personal thoughts.

 

I so do not need words like sexy and hot and erotic tied to me fluttering after me like tags on a Christmas present.  My work about my sex life is not about being a different, sexier person.  It’s about recognizing and asking for and getting what I want, now, the way I am, whether or not it’s normal or what I “should” want.  I do not have those kinds fo aspirations about my sex life.  To the extent that there are things that I wish I was a different person so I could do them, they are sad self-destructive dead-end thoughts because I am probably never going to be that person and there is no point in yearning after them.

I don’t tend to feel like I’m inauthentic to who I am, is the deeper problem with me and this question.  And I started having sex late and carefully and so I haven’t fallen into that kind of pattern or habit about it.  It’s just not a useful question for me.

Like, I have experienced the thing of avoiding something because you’re set on the idea that it’s not for you, without any real reason– that’s me and femininity, a few years ago.

But there is not even any room in my brain for issues like that around sex.  I feel like I am so occupied with what I’m feeling and with just the mental process of “do I like that?  Do I want that, in general and at this specific moment?” that expectations and issues like that barely have room to get in.

I want to make two lists.  Things I should maybe do something about so they don’t keep being an issue in the moment:

Sometimes Sparkly spanks me too quickly, so that I don’t have time to say stop before she’s hit me again.  And it’s not a huge issue but I’d rather be more able to avoid the unpleasant kind of pain.  I sort of mentioned it to her last time, but I should explain that it’s a significant thing.

I sometimes find myself in a place that’s sort of almost an orgasm but not quite.  And we seem to be fine on communicating when to actually start and stop, so it’s not really an issue for me, but I sort of worry that Sparkly might be attached to the idea that I’m coming when I’m actually not.  I’m not trying to fake anything, and I am enjoying myself immensely, but I sort of worry that I’m misleading Sparkly by not explaining this well enough.  (Even though I have sort of explained it, a couple of times.)

Those dead-end thoughts:

If I were going to become a different, sexier person, I would want to be capable of dirty talk.  I’d be able to come up with sexy things to say in the moment, and calling Sparkly what she wants to be called wouldn’t make me uncomfortable even a little.

I would have distinct, noisy, violent orgasms, instead of the aforementioned “intense but not quite an orgasm”.

I would be stretchy.