I think that mainly I just need to get over them, and the situation that’s causing me to feel anxious may just be temporary, but I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel them, so I’m going to write them down here.

Yesterday, Sparkly and RDG and one of RDG’s friends (who we can call Rainbow) went to a sex toy shop (a nice, non-sketchy one.)  I wanted to come along, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be welcome, so I asked.  At first RDG said it was okay, but then the day before yesterday she changed her mind.  So I didn’t go.

I asked Sparkly if she knew why RDG didn’t want me to come along– I sort of wanted to know for future reference, if this was a one-time thing, or if she doesn’t want to talk about sex with me at all, or what.  Sparkly said that she thinks RDG is embarrassed to flirt/talk about sexy things with Sparkly when I’m there, because of Sparkly’s and my relationship.  Sparkly said that RDG knows intellectually that I don’t mind Sparkly having other partners, but that she still feels awkward when I’m there.

So they went, and after they came back we all talked for a while, and I got to meet Rainbow.  When Rainbow left, Sparkly said she needed to have a private talk with RDG, and she wanted to have it in our bedroom, and would I leave them alone?  (This is what caused that silly post last night.)  So I made myself dinner, and they talked for a long while and then played Borderlands for a long while, so in the end I didn’t get to talk to Sparkly before I went to bed.

So this morning, I asked Sparkly how things were between her and RDG, and was I allowed to know anything about what they did at the sex toy shop or what they talked about?  And she said “I don’t know” in the way that means “I plead the fifth,” and said she didn’t want to talk about it.

Lately she hasn’t wanted to tell me anything about what she and RDG are doing, although she used to, and that makes me feel all anxious.  I sort of feel like it’s bad for me to want to know about something she wants to keep private, but here’s why:

I liked when Sparkly used to tell me about things she did with other people, because I feel like it helped me get to know her and what she likes.  Sometimes she was explicitly telling me because she’d found something new that she liked, and she wanted me to try it with her.  I definitely learned a lot about what she likes because of things that she tried with other people.  I also learned that there are some things she likes that I can’t do well at all (mainly because I’m four inches shorter than she is), which is okay and good to know.

So when she doesn’t want to tell me about something, I feel like she’s keeping things about herself secret from me, and that’s a sad feeling even though obviously she is allowed to do that.  And then the silly part of my brain tries to convince me that she doesn’t want to talk to me about it because RDG is obviously more awesome than me in every way, so Sparkly doesn’t need me for anything anymore.

What should I do about this, besides tell the insecure part of my brain to sit down and shut up?

I’m not sure.  I’d sort of like to know why she doesn’t want to talk to me about these things anymore.  But I feel like I’ve already been too pushy, if she feels like she has to say “I don’t know” instead of “I’m not going to tell you about that”.