I never know where to start to talk about fat acceptance. It’s like there’s this interlocking puzzle of ideas, and until you get them all, it doesn’t sound good or make sense. In my head it goes like this:

Don’t shame people for their weight, don’t tell them they need to lose weight.
Because they probably don’t need to for health reasons– or at least, the relationship between fat and disease is way more complicated than most people think it is.
And the decision about whether their weight is a health problem is between them and their doctor, it’s not your business.
And even if they did need to lose weight, critiquing them doesn’t help.
And they probably can’t lose weight (not that much, not and keep it off in the long term), no matter what.
But they don’t need to, because see above.
The idea that fat is unattractive is a cultural thing, it’s not absolute.
You don’t have to find it attractive.
But see above re: not your business, sniping at people won’t change them, most likely nothing will change them.

It’s all these little overlapping circles. Or maybe I just do a poor job of explaining it.

Talking to Sparkly about fat.

It was kind of a weird conversation. I’d suggest something to her and she’d agree with me, but then a minute later she’d be back to “but fat is bad!”

Me: “But not all fat people eat “junk” food, and not all fat people are out of shape. Some people eat well, exercise regularly, and are pretty fit, but they’re still fat. Like my dad, who bikes five miles every weekday now, and has biked more-or-less regularly all his life, but still weighs close to 300 pounds.”

Sparkly: “Yeah, that’s true. Like in that photoset of different athletes’ body types. There are athletes in some sports, like wrestling and weightlifting, who are fat but obviously must be really strong and fit too.”

Me: “Yes, exactly.”

Sparkly: “But if you’re really not fit– if regular things like climbing a flight of stairs are too hard for you– then you need to do something about that.”

Me: “Yes, and that’s true whether you’re fat or skinny.”

Sparkly: “But especially if you’re fat.”

Me: “Why?”

Sparkly: “Well… but… if you’re fat, that must mean something is wrong, right?”

We sort of circled around like that several times. It was almost funny.

The other reason I don’t like being thin:

it leaves Reference Desk Girl as the fat girl in an apartment of really thin girls.

She had only met me once or twice when I was the weight that’s normal and healthy for me, and it was a while ago, so apparently she thinks of me as a skinny girl who hardly eats anything, instead of as a sadly underfed girl with acid reflux who keeps forgetting to eat because she’s totally lost touch with her sense of hunger.

But I don’t think there’s any way to tell her this without making it seem like I’m making her problems about my problems. I just really wish there was something I could do.

It doesn’t help that Sparkly somehow manages to believe that RDG would weigh less if she simply ate less. I am considering (metaphorically) pouring the contents of my “fat acceptance” bookmark folder on her head. It doesn’t help that Sparkly feels like RDG’s “I’m embarrassed to be a fat person eating in front of thin people who aren’t eating” is an indictment of her in some way, so I’m caught between “Darling, calm down, it isn’t your fault, it’s not about you” and “You think it’s as simple as calories in, calories out? Really? Come on! Also RDG doesn’t actually eat that much!”

But I can’t actually get her to understand either of those things, or really show RDG that nobody here is judging her. People don’t just pick up big fundamental ideas like that. They get to them when they’re ready. Which is why I need to just nod to myself over my last post (people not changing their fundamental beliefs, yeah) and be a sympathetic listener and not try to shove my epiphanies on other people, because it won’t work.