Tag Archives: security

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Working Jokes

We had to oil a couple, and gas most of them up, but they’re all working now.  Working is no joke, so try some of this comedy instead.

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My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

I took a position as a security guard; my boss said that it was my job to watch the office. I’m currently on season 5.

On my way to work today, I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him. I thought, it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.

Would you call the boss at Old MacDonald’s farm the C-I-E-I-O?

My boss asked me to roundup 18 employees quickly. I responded, “20.”

In my last performance review, I was told that my communication skills needed improvement. I didn’t know what to say.

I think that of all the inventions of the last century, the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.

I heard that fewer and fewer people are going into archeology because the field is basically in ruins.

I asked if I could leave work early today, and my boss said, “Yes, if you make up the time.” I said, “Sure, it’s sixty-five past fifteen.”

My wife tells me I talk in my sleep all the time. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work ever mentions it.

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I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.  Now there’s no jobs, no cash, and no hope.  Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

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I was going up to bed a couple of nights ago, when the wife told me that I’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. I opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. I phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”  I said “No,” but some people broke into my garden shed and are stealing from me.”  The police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy; lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.

I said, “Okay.”  I hung up the phone and counted to 30, then phoned the police again.  “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now.” and I hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at my house, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to me, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!“  I replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

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Don’t you hate people who come and knock on your door, saying that you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”? Stupid firefighters.

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Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is as healthy as a twenty-minute jog.
So I’m sitting in the park, laughing at all the joggers.

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Every month millions of women in America experience bloating, cramps, and fatigue.

But Taco Bell’s just too good to pass up.

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Where do bad rainbows go?….
….Prism.  It’s a light sentence, and it gives them time to reflect.

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Parents Of Kids Say The Darndest Things Too

In a late-breaking story – a large group of people all tripped over a See ‘n Say, (Which isn’t the best of English usage) and fell flat on their diction.  😳

Pros

She cooed, ingeniously – I ingenuously suggest that she’s wrong.

Examination of genitalia reveals he is circus sized – P.T. Barnum could market that.

The sharp talon rendered the fabric of her shirt – I can rent you a dictionary that proves it didn’t.

I installed a hi-tech security censor – I sense that it’s all smoke and mirrors.

Get a rockin’, taught bod – I was taught that it should be taut.

A pole shows that the nickel should remain legal tenure – I tender the suggestion that it was a poll.

Grotesques ordained many old buildings – and one misusage adorned his essay

An island in the Bahamas is inhibited by cute, wild pigs – or so the inhabitants say.

It could have been worst. – but it should have been worse.

Debut manifesto-come-novel channels – Oh, cum on!  Write your English in Latin.

Chai tea appears above the heads of barristers – Lawyers working at Starbucks, instead of baristas?

Amateurs

Computer key bored for sale – so busy he can’t check the spelling

I found Mom Pa Kettle – while searching for Ma and Pa Kettle movies, online

Groj sale on Saturday – This was so common that a company now makes and sells these signs.

I think I got Authur write this in my back – Are you sure it’s not in your head?

Chef’s special, chicken permission – the hen says parmesan is okay.

No Pen No Gain – It took two idiots people to apply that tattoo.

The baby is lack toast and tall of rent – but he’ll grow up to understand English.

To he’ll with the Alimo!
Remember Perl Horber – but forget you ever saw this mess.

I had quosonts and hot chocolate – while I checked my spelling.

I made a mug of Roman numerals for lunch – the picture shows ramen noodles.

We bye used cars – Me too.  So long ’67 Impala.

Educational opportunitys – are available because no-one is using them.

Is there anything to hard for God? – correct spelling, apparently

Closed due to personal circumcisions – Ow!  Ow!  Ow!

Bingo knight every Tuesday – Oh, dear Lord!

I never thought about perusing a tech career – I’ve read about those.

Ho made apple butter – That bitch should learn to read and write.

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Mixed Bag Fibbing Friday

Questions for last week were a mixed bag and Pensitivity101 was looking forward to reading what we came up with – finally.

  1. What is a bobby pin?

That was the Choke Hold/Body Slam that the Security Patrol Police Officer put on the lout who recently threw eggs at Bonnie King Charlie.

2. What is a Whoopee Cushion?

It’s the device that short, little MS Goldberg uses, to appear to be as tall as the rest of the Valkyrie co-hosts on The View.

3. What is a cock-a-poo?

That’s the cutesy name that the nurses give to the commodes in the men’s sections of the old-folks homes long-term care facilities.

4. Why are some chicken eggs brown and some white?

White eggs are caused by sun-bleaching, by light that enters henhouses while various chickens leave the nest, and root for food during the day.  When some farmers found out how much they could charge for brown eggs, by calling them ‘Organic,’ they boarded up all the windows.

5. How would you describe cardboard?

Foursquare, upstanding and self-contained, are the only words that come to mind.  It’s difficult to think outside the box.

6. What do a pony and monkey have in common?

They do not believe in Creation.  An All-Knowing God would not have been dumb enough to put Mankind in charge of the Earth.  The Great Apes have filed an injunction to have a portion of the family tree lopped off.

7. What is a USB key?

Similar to the Bat Signal, it’s the device I use to summon my creative Muse.  Either it needs a new battery, or Erato is on an extended, drunken orgy with Bacchus – again.  No inspiration this week.  😳

8. What is a golden handshake?

It’s one that you don’t want to get from any of the staff at a food-service business.  That’s the reason that restaurants have signs in their washrooms that insist, “Staff must wash hands before returning to work.”

9. What is an orange pippin?

It’s just an ordinary pippin that wanted to do some sun-bathing, but forgot to slather on lots of SPF Global Warming/End of the World sunscreen.  Note:  may be related to a certain ex-US President.

10. What is Teflon?

I’m still not sure.  I tried to do some online research, but none of the information seemed to stick with me.

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International Fibbing Friday

Since pensitivity101’s security clearance is higher that Top Secret, she was recently asked to be a charlady at an International Committee Conference on Averting Needless Travel Expenses from Unnecessary Conferences, held in beautiful Blechly-on-Stench.  She came out of the men’s washroom with a double-handful of foreign words that she invites us to fib about.  Since they’re politicians’ words, and already coated with lies, no-one may notice.

  1. What is an abbozzo?

This is a term that I learned from my bent-nose, ex-co-worker, Melvin Goombah.  It is the giant hug I give someone when they buy me a calzone.  I could show you a sketch that a street artist did of me embracing someone who did.

  1. What does it mean to absquatulate?

I don’t know, but I’m getting my ass out of here as soon as possible, before anyone discovers that my vocabulary is not as broad as I claim it is – and I’m takin’ the petty cash with me for travel expenses.
3.  What is a biggin?

She’s probably not talking about my well-endowed uncle, Ivor Biggin.  I’ll have to put on my thinking cap about this one.  It might even be a benefit to take a short nap.  I’ll probably sleep like a baby after I have a hot toddy.
4.  What is a daedalist?

I am soooo… glad that it has nothing to do with the Catholic Church pedophile scandal.  That’s about diddleists.  He’s a competitor in the Tour d’Estonia bicycle race.  It doesn’t get the interest and coverage that the Tour de France does.  Estonia being much smaller than France, the entire race is usually over in less than 47 minutes.
5.  What is gamophobia?

It is a fear of romantic involvement or marriage.  I thought I had it once, but my girlfriend assured me I didn’t, and that we were getting married.  And I wasn’t even pregnant!!?
6.  What is a holm?

Holm is the Swedish name for a string of hospices where aging actors and actresses live at the end of their careers and their lives.  For extra humidity, to help moisten their lungs, they are often built down on river flats.  Both Celeste Holm, and Sir Ian Holm have stayed at one.
7.  What is jettatura?

Obnoxious words and phrases evolve to hide their objectionable backgrounds.  In the US, nigger became Negro, and then Black, Colored, and finally, African-American.  So too, has Monied Society become the Idle Rich, Glitterati, and the Jet Set, and, at last, Jettatura, a Portuguese term that hides the fact that they’re still lighting $100 cigars with $100 bills, and carrying Gucci purses and Hérmes scarves worth an average family’s annual income.
8.  What is a keffel?

The things I learn at my Eurofood store!!  While they concentrate on European comestibles, they told me that a keffel is a type of Nigerian pancake, made with flour from ground-up crickets.  It is best, served with poinsettia-jelly.
9.  What is meant by labtebricole?

To B, or not to B??  Turns out that it’s not two Bs.  Someone was a tad generous with the consonants.  The word is preferably spelled LATEBRICOLE.  That’s something that I discovered when I emerged from my hermit cave – my Osama bin Laden spider-hole – to get good enough Wi-Fi reception to research it.
10. What is a lacuna?

Apparently, there’s a hole – a gap – in my language knowledge, as big as the one in Terry Thomas’ teeth.

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Flash Fiction #283

PHOTO PROMPT © Jan Wayne Fields

THERE’S ONE IN EVERY JOCKSTRAP

Yeehaw!!  It’s Canada Day, and, as usual, the city was celebrating with a big Multicultural Festival in the downtown park.

Bruce had spent most of the afternoon sampling the food and drink – perhaps too much.  He approached another food truck.  “Gimme two crispy tacos.”

I tell yu befoe, we no sell tacos.  Yu go way now please.

Okay, okay, don’t get yer serape in a twist!  Gimme a chicken quesadilla.  You got any’a that Japanzie beer, Kirin, in one of them kegs?

We no sell beer.  We sell flowah.

Sir!  Park Security. Please come with us.  You need a rest.

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If you’d like to join the fun with the Friday Fictioneers, just go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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Flash Fiction #261

PHOTO PROMPT© Roger Bultot

WHO’S THAT KNOCKING AT MY DOOR?

I took Psychology as a major, and got a job as an Uber-Eats driver.  The two fit like pliers handles.  The most intriguing are hotels/motels.  I knock on the door and often get, Who is it?  I wanna say, it’s your damned pizza.  Who were you expecting?

With a glimpse inside some rooms, the answer might be – a hooker, Border Patrol, irate management, FBI, an exorcist priest, or all of the above.  Many of the paranoid use the peephole.  Sometimes I put my eye about an inch from the lens.  Once, I had to slide the pizza in vertically.

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I’m keeping notes.  I’m pretty sure there’s a bestseller in there somewhere.  😉  😯

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If you’d like to join the fun, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Click the title to hear The Genies do another oldie but moldy goldie.

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Flash Fiction #259

PHOTO PROMPT © Brenda Cox

LOCKDOWN KNOCKDOWN

Good grief, what happened?  I hadn’t heard of any tornadoes, especially inside a mall.

The Governor finally signed the bill that ended the last COVID lockdown.  It was like a Taylor Swift concert.  People were lining up at the doors at 4:00 AM.  We had extra security, but Commerce was King.  Some folks showed excessive exuberance in revived retail therapy, getting rid of COVID haircuts at the salons, and walking out with new shoes.  It was all we could do to shove the last of them out at closing time.  No sense repairing it.  It’ll be like this again tomorrow.

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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Remembrance/Veterans Day

No matter what you call it, this is a little reminder that today is Remembrance/Veterans Day.  Take two minutes at 11:00 AM to stand quietly and remember, respect and honor those in the Armed Services, past and present, who have given so much, so that we can have peace and security.

Take some time today – Hell, take all day if you want, and take a bit of time any other day, whenever it’s possible – to shake the hand of a veteran, or current Serviceman, elbow-bump, or otherwise COVID-acknowledge them.  Smile behind your mask, and say, “Thanks!”

 

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What’d You Say?

Hearing Aid

I went to the doctor’s the other day, and told her I have hearing problems.
She said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said, “Homer’s a big fat guy, and Marge has tall blue hair.”

I just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked, “What are you doing?”
He said, “Working from home.

Mother’s Day commercials – diamonds on sale for $3000
Father’s Day commercials – Target men’s shorts on sale for $11.00

It’s been a strange sort of day. First I found a hatful of money, then I was chased by some weirdo with a guitar.

I was late for work today, because I got drunk last night, and set my calculator for $5.30.

OMG, I’m rich! Silver in the hair, gold in the teeth, crystals in the kidneys, sugar in the blood, lead in the butt, iron in the arteries, and an inexhaustible supply of natural gas.

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
I’M LIVID

A man went into the library, and asked for a book on Probability.
The librarian replied, “Possibly it’s on that shelf over there.”

I went on a job interview the other day.
The interviewer said, “It says on your resume that you are a man of mystery.”
I replied, “That’s correct.”
He asked, “Would you care to elaborate?”
I said, “No.”

Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.

Somebody once said to me, “Archon, You’re too pretentious.” I think that it was Jean Paul Sartre – or it could have been the Dalai Lama, I forget.

My father was an old-fashioned provider. He hunted with a bow and arrow. There was never a problem till he got to the canned goods section of the supermarket.

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.

An old Irish farmer’s dog is missing, and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says, “You should put an ad in the paper.”
Two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the dog.
“What did you put in the paper?” she asks.
“Here boy!” he replies.

Why isn’t the military accepting karate pros?
Because when they salute they might kill themselves.

I am coughing and my nose is plugged.
Internet diagnosis: I am 26 weeks pregnant!

A glass of Nutella has about 9870 calories. But I don’t care. I never eat the glass anyway.

Web site login: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.
Cash machine login 1234: Here’s your 1000 dollars.

Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?
But sir, this is a buffet.
Pack it up I said!

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”
“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,000 matches.

 

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One-Liners Are A Rip-off

Velcro

The guy who invented Velcro died….
….R.I.P.

Iron Man is actually….
….Fe Male

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was very good at it….
….If no-one was home, I’d just leave the brochure on the kitchen table

The early bird may get the worm….
….but the second mouse gets the cheese

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Hourly, or flat fee?

What did the ocean say to the beach?….
….Nothing, it just waved

When the smog lifts in California….
….UCLA

My wife was angry at me, and said I have no sense of direction….
….so I picked up my stuff and right

I am terrified of elevators….
….and I’m taking steps to avoid them

Every time I try to eat healthy….
….a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers

Double negatives….
….are a no-no in English

The problem with political jokes is….
….sometimes they get elected

I danced like nobody was watching….
….My court date is pending

What happens if….
….you get scared half to death – twice?

Ants are healthy because….
….they have little antibodies

I checked into the hokey-pokey clinic….
….and I turned myself around

All those who believe in psychokinesis….
….raise my hand

Between two evils….
….I always pick the one I’ve never tried

I went to the Air and Space Museum….
….but there was nothing there

A clear conscience is….
….the sign of a fuzzy memory

If you think that education is expensive….
….try ignorance

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

My reality check bounced.

I want to grow my own food….
….but I can’t find any bacon seeds

They’re not going to make yardsticks any longer

I told my wife she was drawing in her eyebrows too high….
….She looked surprised