It just took a brief, horrifying investigation to discover what is wrong—why I can’t seem to reach you at your address. Apparently, your abode of love and compassion has been obfuscated by one Donald J. Trump and his MAGA religion of cruelty and lies. I don’t know if you are aware, but this dude is trying to become the Messiah of Christianity and the King of the world.
To make things worse, Donald “Jesus” Trump has been ushered into place by many of your Christians who see a way to grab hold of power supposedly in your name, but it’s actually in their likeness of dominance, greed, power, and utmost control. They have kicked your compassion and empathy for the poor and the immigrant to the curb, and they have crushed any sense of truthfulness to get their own way. In fact, they push forth a lie when the truth would be more convenient. They’ve co-opted your character and made it a political tool of hate.
Cartoon used by permission: 292299_MAGA Jesus Cures by Pat Byrnes, PoliticalCartoons.com
All this to say: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?! Don’t you care that your street cred is being greatly tarnished and possibly abolished? I don’t want to tell you how you should be running things, but as I meditate on what Easter means to me, I’m reminded that your love for me and all humans caused you to sacrifice your life on a cross so that we might live free. Although I don’t fully understand why such a sacrifice was needed, I do know that what the idol Donald “Jesus” Trump is flaunting, ain’t it! And yet…so many of your followers—those claiming to be Christians and sporting huge crosses around their necks and on their lapels to prove their loyalty to you—are buying it hook, line, and sinker.
Cartoon used by permission: 283958_Christen Dumb by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian
Anyway, I’m trying to reach you this Easter to let you know that those of us that follow the true Messiah—Jesus, of Nazareth—the God of love, mercy, compassion, truth, humility, and forgiveness are still loyal to you but we’re freaking out! Why are you allowing Trump to get away with this madness of blaspheming your character? I’m reminded that nothing is new in history, of course. We’ve been here before when your White Christians have sold you down the river for their own greed and lust for power. Remember the Civil War? Most White Christians had convinced themselves that you approved of slavery and that their Black brothers and sisters were only 2/5ths human and not deserving of freedom, self-rule, education, the pursuit of happiness, or respect.
Cartoon used by permission: 294079_MAGA Heaven by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
May I be so bold as to remind you my Lord and Savior about something I read recently from a German historian that nothing exemplifies the selling of one’s soul like the German churches in the 30’s and 40s. By the time the Allies destroyed the Nazis, most of the German churches had aligned themselves with Hitler (that other demon who tried to steal your glory) and his government of hate and lies; Swastika flags draped their churches, and the Nazis had reinvented you as an Arnold Schwarzenegger-type, Aryan body builder who would eradicate all the Jews— “the others”. You must have been overcome with fury whenever a child was baptized in the German churches during Hitler’s reign of terror when the minister anointed the baby with the “blessing”: “May this child grow up to honor the glory of our Lord and our Fuhrer.”
Cartoon used by permission: 292709_MAGA Nation by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
In my despair, I would suggest that you not even bother to show up this Easter, but then I can’t shake the definition of Easter:
Easter is celebrated by Christians to commemorate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. This event, described in the New Testament, is believed to symbolize victory over sin and death and offers hope of salvation for humanity. The resurrection is a central tenet of Christian faith, signifying Jesus’ divinity and his victory over death.
Then I remember that no sin or evil which equals death in the end has ever withstood your resurrection. American Slavery did not stand in your name and crush my people, Apartheid did not triumph in your name and overcome the Black South Africans, and Nazism—murderous as it was—did not destroy the Jews in your name. Your resurrection—your victory over death—destroyed all these anti-Christs. And so, shall it be this time around…. (I do believe, I do believe; help my unbelief, dear God!)—Love, Eleanor
Cartoon used by permission: 294854_HAPPY EASTER by Marian Kamensky, Austria
HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!
HE IS RISEN!
HE IS RISEN, INDEED!
Cartoon used by permission: 283798_Easter Promise by Dave Granlund, PoliticalCartoons.com
***
If you’d like a funny, insightful, dystopian romp in the form of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, where the god of that world does thwart the elevation of an “Unholy One” and the dethroning of the Head of Oz’s Religious Faith Office, please check out my latest book House of Oz Undone:
Blog published by Howthehelldidienduphere? Publications LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
Cartoon used by permission for promotion of blog: 292675_Trump Faith Office Without Works by Rick McKee, CagleCartoons.com
“When Trump told her [Paula White—emphasis mine] he was running for president and wanted her to be his “bridge” to the Christian right, she introduced him to 30 or 40 pastors at a time.” The Daily Beast—Eleanor Clift
Cartoon used by permission for promotion of blog: 292513_Trump Doctrine Big Stick by Christopher Weyant, CagleCartoons.com
Dear Paula:
Girrrl, you’ve come a long way since Tupelo, Mississippi! Look at you! I read that #47 made you Head of the White House Faith Office in exchange for what you did to help him garner the Christian vote. You must be so proud … Sitting at the right hand of the Unholy One that you personally helped install to the Presidency.
Full disclaimer here: I used to watch you on TV all the time. I can’t say that I was a diehard fan, but I liked you. You were scrappy and straight-shooting and seemed to have a genuine love for Jesus. Especially when you were on BET trying to get poor Black folks to have a more abundant life in Christ.
Back then you were more like a feel-good motivational speaker—someone better to watch than soap operas while rearing little kids who were getting on my every last nerve and plowing through piles of laundry and housework—all the while dreaming of greater things. Girl, did I envy you. You were doing what I wanted to do “when I grew up”—make a living encouraging women how to overcome and triumph.
You boasted of having the Black preacher TD Jakes as your mentor who basically introduced you to the Black Christian audience (very strategic move, by the way), and you gladly accepted the mantle of being called the “White Oprah Winfrey” of the evangelical world. It was rumored that some people were calling you “The Black People Whisperer.” At one time, it was reported that you were the counselor to Michael Jackson, Tyra Banks, MLB player Darryl Strawberry, and NFL star Deion Sanders. But in spite of all the glittery orbit you ascended to as a spiritual life coach, you seemed to have a heart for the poor and disenfranchised that kept you grounded…
…and then came your unholy alliance with “he who shall not be named.”
Cartoon used by permission for promotion of blog: 293181_Rule of Law by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
Actually, I cut you loose long before the Orange One became your North Star. Early on, I began to notice the pressurized greed campaign with which you assailed your naïve audiences (most of them Black folks) as you gathered more and more toys: Gulfstream private jets, designer clothes, an 8,000 square foot beachfront house as a second home, a Trump Tower condo for $3.5M, and more. The more toys you acquired the more you demanded your listeners send you their “first fruits” seed money (religious tithe before paying rent or their electric bill) if they wanted God to bless and/or heal them, like he had blessed you. (I personally never sent you one stray penny because I’d seen your kind before. I remember the days of “Rev. Ike” who fleeced my mentally ill mother of what little money she had in exchange for prayer cloths that promised to make her rich and mentally whole. When she died, we discovered scads of prayer cloths, but she was still dirt poor, living in roach-infested squalor, and definitely crazy while Rev. Ike passed away at a ripe old age leaving an estate worth several million dollars.)
I noticed that you seemed to turn into a spiritual grifter before my very eyes, but little did I know that someday you would join hands with the greatest grifter of our time and call him “holy!”
Cartoon used by permission for promotion of blog: 283996_The Real Trump Bible by Christopher Weyant, CagleCartoons.com
All sorts of statements and actions by you woke me up to your grifter character devouring your motivational ministry character:
Your minstrelsy preaching whenever you spoke to Black audiences as you performed your Pentecostal preacher street-strut: “SMACK SOMEBODY UPSIDE THEIR WEAVE AND SAY GET IN THE FLOW.” (REALLY, Paula?!)
Your duplicitous support of Black lives: when George Floyd was murdered you were very supportive of BLM (Black Lives Matter); as soon as you hitched your wagon to #47’s train, you declared that “BLM was the antichrist.”
Your threatening lies in God’s name against Christians while trying to garner support for Trump: “Christians will stand accountable before God if they vote against Trump.”
Your manipulation of your listeners about your personal holiness and power that “anointed” you to proclaim the Unholy One as the Chosen One:
“Wherever I go, God rules. When I walk on White House grounds, God walks on White House grounds. When I go into the drycleaner, that dry-cleaning place becomes holy. I had every right and authority to declare the White House as Holy ground, because I was standing there, and where I stand is holy!”
Ei-yi-yi-yi-yi, Paula! Have you no shame?!
Cartoon used by permission for promotion of blog: 248657_Worshipping at the altar of Trump by Dave Whamond, Canada, PoliticalCartoons.com
Anyway, Paula, as a sister-in-the-Lord, I’m writing to warn you—one poor messed up child saved by God’s grace to another—in my best Whoopi Goldberg voice: “YOU IN TROUBLE, GIRL!” Didn’t you learn anything when you were hanging around Christian Black folks: “GOD DON’T LIKE UGLY!”
Remember Micah 6:8: “O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”
You had one job from God as a self-proclaimed leader in the church: do what is right, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God, but you squandered it in your pursuit of fame, greed, and idolatry—so much so, that you’ve called “good bad, bad good, lies truth, unholy holy, and unrighteousness righteous.”
“There are none so blind as those who cannot see…“||Cartoon used by permission for promotion of blog: 278793_Test of Faith by Pat Byrnes, PoliticalCartoons.com
So, while I wait for God to show up and “smack YOU upside your weave,” I am praying Psalm 69:22-25 against your official assignment, and against “he who shall not be named” and his minions:
DEAR READER: While we’re waiting on Paula to repent and potentially lead Herr Unholy One to repent (hey, with God, anything can happen and I pray for them both EVERYDAY that genuine public repentance will be their raison d’etre), I have supplied some very informative reading and a video about Paula White at the end of this post so that you can decide for yourself whether the things I’ve written about her be true. These are just the tip of the iceberg. If you go to Google and/or YouTube and type in “Paula White Scandals,” you’ll be occupied until Jesus comes back.
Cartoon used by permission for promotion of blog: 291968_Trump Season 2 by Dave Whamond, Canada, PoliticalCartoons.com
Also, if you’d like a funny, insightful, dystopian romp in the form of TheWonderful Wizard of Oz, where the god of that world does thwart the elevation of an “Unholy One” and the dethroning of the Head of Oz’s Religious Faith Office, please check out my latest book House of Oz Undone:
SUGGESTED READING ABOUT PAULA WHITE (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THE YOUTUBE VIDEO—IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!)
Blog published by Howthehelldidienduphere? Publications LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
Cartoon used by permission: 290488_Thanksgiving travel by Dave Whamond, Canada, PoliticalCartoons.com
The holidays are upon us, and as I watch our country goose-step into a dystopian nightmare from an election based on misinformation, lies, threats, disinterest, and the misinterpretation of the character of God and the mischaracterization of “Biblical mandates,” the big question that I’m asking myself is: How then shall I live during these dark, dark times without losing my mind or my hope?
I’m thoroughly exhausted and keep screaming to the heavens: “Will the real Jesus please stand up!”
Everybody I talk to, who understands that #45* represents total moral decay and ineptitude from his head to his toes, is in a state of mourning and has gone into hibernation. They can’t breathe, they can’t talk, they can’t speak about the take-over of this demon and his minions without weeping uncontrollably. They are at a quandary as to how to move on and whether there is anything left that is worth fighting for.
*#45 is what I shall call the next President. If I can help it, I will personally never say his name again. Like Voldemort from the Harry Potter books, #45 will be referred to as “he who shall not be named” (my ongoing act of rebellion against him), nor will I acknowledge that he is our 47th President. Just like he tried to “erase” Biden as the #46th President in his mind and in the minds of his followers by wearing a MAGA hat that said “#45-47” at the January 6th insurrection and beyond, I shall forever refer to him as #45 or Satan’s spawn, whichever first comes to mind.
Cartoon used by permission: 290155_Authentic Racist and Misogynist by Ed Wexler, CagleCartoons.com
When I talk to my friends who feel that they don’t have any more fight left within them, I understand their pain over the future loss of women’s rights, civil rights, LGBTQ+ rights, human rights, etc. Because in this “new” America, if your rights don’t line up with #45 and his Project 2025 mandates, your ass is gonna be grass within the next four to twenty years and beyond. I get why so many hearts are broken and why so many people are hopeless and want to give up the fight because they feel it was all for nothing given the fact that half of America lost its mind.
Cartoon used by permission: 290101_Project 25 alive by Dave Granlund, PoliticalCartoons.com
My despair far transcends any American rights that are at stake, however—including civil rights. My heartbreak is the fact that the majority of MAGA voters are “Born-again Christians” who feel they are ushering in the return of Jesus by voting for a man who is the total opposite of what Jesus stands for—poor Jesus! I blame the leaders in the Christian Dominionist movement for gaslighting gullible Christians and the American public. Had they exposed #45 for the rabid creature he is, the dude would have gone screaming into the night and we’d not be entering America’s third horrible dystopian era (I consider the other two dystopian eras: 246 years of slavery and 100 years of Jim Crow segregation laws).
With the holidays approaching, so many of my White friends have family and people in their lives who crossed over to the dark side and are in a quandary as to how to handle being with people who think Democrats, Liberals, or anyone who thinks differently from them are undeserving of God’s love. So many of their MAGA friends and relatives are gloating over the triumph of #45’s win and, unfortunately, too many of the MAGA Christian Dominionists are cruel and mean-spirited about the win—eradicating any example of God’s love or familial love that once existed between them.
Cartoon used by permission: 290524_Thanksgiving Fight Over Politics REPOST by Rick McKee, CagleCartoons.com
Personally, I’ve drawn up an action plan for myself, and maybe it will help others.
I plan to reinvest in love which is the real essence of Christ, not the bullshit these faux Christians have been trying to force down our throats. According to my hero, Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” The MAGAs of the world can have at it with their cruelty, bigotry, and hatred—I will not return the favor. In fact, the more they hate, the more I plan to double down on my joy!
I plan to cultivate fearlessness. The best way to fight evil is to not fear what it can do to you because my fate is ultimately in God’s hands. As my three-year-old granddaughter says: “I am brave and I am strong!”
I plan to step back from the terror of the news until after January 20th. Right now, the news pundits are doing nothing for me except agitate me to death and gin up fear with their speculative questions. As Whoopi Goldberg says, “no one knows what is going to happen until it happens.” By then, I’ll have a more demonstrative plan of action.
I plan to do a lot of self-care—starting with professing my daily gratitude for all that I’ve been given by the grace of God. My life has been one where “God’s goodness keeps running after me,” which I don’t plan to forget during these fraught times. I plan to nurture my spirit with Truth and love! I’m going to spend quality time with my family and friends over the holidays, and I don’t plan to discuss politics. I do plan to eat (and eat!), drink (and drink), and be merry (plan to laugh my ass off!).
5. I plan to go see the musical Wicked! Then I plan to relearn the words to the song “Defying Gravity” because I think I’m going to need to know this song by heart in order to recharge my heart on a daily basis in the coming days, months, and years.
6. I plan to adjust my perspective and never give up hope in God. Timing is everything—even with the God of the Universe. I’ve come this far by faith leaning on the Lord, and God has never failed me. Just because Jesus didn’t seem to show up for righteousness in this election, doesn’t mean that He won’t show up—eventually. It just means that we are probably in the eighth episode of a ten-episode streaming series. Maybe in the next two “episodes” of this American series, #45’s moral decay and the ineptitude of his Gollum subservient cabinet, will finally be the rude awakening that shakes Americans out of our merely notional concept of being a “shining city on a hill” that we’ve clearly abandoned for greed and power to living the writing on the Statue of Liberty:
“Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
Finally, I do not plan to watch #45’s inauguration or read anything about it. (I didn’t watch his first inauguration, either.) I plan to completely avoid it. After it has passed, I’ll tell you how I managed it.(Actually, my plan is quite clever…stay tuned! I’ll tell you all about it in February.)
In the meantime, during your period of mourning in sackcloth and ashes, if you’d like to read a story about a society that overcomes its dystopian leader and religious disorder that ends in hope, check out my latest book: House of Oz Undone (A Cautionary Tale) for sale on Amazon or wherever books are sold.
Eleanor Tomczyk is a memoirist and humorist blogger renowned for her engagingly funny musings as an ex-Evangelical Conservative Christian (emphasis on the “ex”) and African-American Baby Boomer. Embarking on a new career as a storyteller at 60, she draws on her experiences in White Conservative churches. Now in her mid-70s and a wife, mother, and grandmother, Tomczyk has authored books such as Monsters’ Throwdown, Fleeing Oz, The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts to My Fetus-self, and House of Oz Undone: A Cautionary Tale.Her multifaceted career also spans roles as a singer, actress, motivational speaker, and award-winning voice-over artist.
Cartoon used by permission: 290533_Vulgar Trump At First Thanksgiving by Rick McKee, CagleCartoons.com
Want to learn more about the author? Check out: eleanortomczyk.com
Blog published by Howthehelldidienduphere? Publications LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
Cartoon used by permission: 290067_The Trump Circus is Back In Town by Rick McKee, CagleCartoons.com
WTF AMERICA! Looks like the majority of you decided to burn it all to the ground!
Looks like you said: “Screw you” to your better angels! Let’s elect a fascist, a serial abuser, a morally corrupt being, an inept leader, a narcissist, a consummate liar, an accused rapist, a felon, a horrifically cruel wannabe dictator to be our President (at least it won’t be a woman of color married to a Jewish man)—Woo-hoo!”
Cartoon used by permission for promotion of blog: 290018_The Christian Nation Myth by Pat Byrnes PoliticalCartoons.com
WHAT WON? (1) Project 2025 and the oversight of “Christian Nationalist Evangelicals” who want to rule every aspect of our lives and give us all but one choice: their way or the highway. (2) Cruelty. (3) Sexism. (4) Racism. (5) Ignorance. (6) Lies. (7) Incompetence. (8) Chronic dysfunction. (9) Horrors yet to be determined…
Cartoon used by permission for promotion of blog: 290056_Uncle Sam Fetal Position by Ed Wexler, CagleCartoons.com
WHAT LOST? (1) The Common Good. (2) Freedom. (3) Real Christian values (poor Jesus). (4) Equality (5) Brotherly love. (6) Compassion. (7) Care and repair for the Earth (8) Peace
I’m so sorry, World. I realize that when America sneezes, the rest of the world gets a cold. I really thought that most of my American peeps were so much better than this, you know. But I was wrong. This is really who we are. I’m afraid that there may be no coming back from this permanent stain—calling what is good bad and what is bad good. At least not for a couple of decades or so, but by then so much will be lost (sorry Ukraine, sorry Gaza, sorry Taiwan, sorry Africa, sorry NATO) or irreparably damaged (the Earth’s health).
Cartoon used by permission: 290027_This Won’t Wash Off by Pat Byrnes, PoliticalCartoons.com
WHAT AM I PERSONALLY GONNA DO ABOUT IT AT 76 YEARS OLD?Sit Shiva for America’s soul.
Shiva is a Jewish mourning ritual that involves a week-long period of gathering together to grieve, heal, and accept support from others who love you and can connect with your pain. During that week, I plan to consume the book Christ in Crisis (Why We Need to Reclaim Jesus) by Jim Wallis in the hope that it will bring me some healing and much needed guidance. After the week is up, I’m going to get up on my two feet, dry my tears, and go back into the trenches to continue to fight the good fight for the common good for my grandkids and the future generations in America until I die, because as Adam Kinzinger posted today: “This isn’t forever, and after America gets a taste of what it voted for, there will likely be a massive backlash.”
Cartoon used by permission: 290023_Trump as lady Liberty by Bart van Leeuwen, PoliticalCartoons.com
WHAT MY FELLOW AMERICANS SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU CARE? First of all, do not despair! “Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning!” (Psalm 30:5) Secondly, don’t give up. When the time is right, rise up out of your mourning sack-cloth-and-ashes garments, assess your talents of influence (whether it is in your own family, school board, church-synagogue-mosque, country club, work place, local government or beyond), and return to fight the good fight of truth, love, grace, and righteousness from the ground up. Start by keeping hope alive for a better world, in spite of the fact that America just lost its fucking mind. God is not dead! It ain’t over ‘til it’s over! The world is going to need us, and we owe it to our future generations to keep fighting this MAGA, Christian Nationalist, false White gospel, Project 2025, Trumpian cult madness with our very last breath.
Cartoon used by permission: 289990_The world is holding its breath by Patrick Chappatte, globecartoon.com
Eleanor Tomczyk is a memoirist and humorist blogger renowned for her engagingly funny musings as an ex-Evangelical Conservative Christian (emphasis on the “ex”) and African-American Baby Boomer. Embarking on a new career as a storyteller at 60, she draws on her experiences in White Conservative churches. Now in her mid-70s and a wife, mother, and grandmother, Tomczyk has authored books such as Monsters’ Throwdown, Fleeing Oz, The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts to My Fetus-self, and House of Oz Undone: A Cautionary Tale. Her multifaceted career also spans roles as a singer, actress, motivational speaker, and award-winning voice-over artist.
Want to learn more about the author? Check out: eleanortomczyk.com
Blog published by Howthehelldidienduphere? Publications LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
“SANTA BABY,” song reworked and truncated to express my holiday angst at a Higher Being who seems to be missing in action on the Earth because “my arms are too short to box with God” about my anxiety over His seemingly MIA status. (Straight up: my apologies to God—forgive my unbelief, My Savior—and Philip Springer, the song writer.)
Cartoon used by permission: 280703_Everyone has been naughty by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian
Santa baby, put some Mideast peace by the tree for me
DEAR READER: PLEASE STOP THE SONG IN YOUR HEAD FOR A MOMENT….
(To the uninitiated, “on fleet” is an urban term that means “like a Boss or a cool person who is incredibly ‘fresh’ and has people that want to be ‘fly’ like them.” PLEASE don’t use this term with your grandkids to try and appear cool because it is no longer “au courant,” or you will have to ask Santa for some street cred next year. There you have it—you’ve been warned!)
Santa honey, one little thing I do need
The deed to our Democracy
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Cartoon used by permission: 280664_A Gift to Democracy by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian
Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations that are MAGA-free
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me.
Cartoon used by permission: 280894_Trump’s complete immunity claim by John Cole, Tennessee Lookout, TennesseeLookout.com
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little note
SOME HOPE! No pie-in-the-sky kinda meme
Santa baby, so come and set my anxious heart free
Hurry down the chimney to me
Hurrrrrry, tonight*
*Songwriters: Philip Springer / Joan Javits
Cartoon used by permission: 280532_It only seems that way by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a satirist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Cartoon used by permission: 270109_1290_Re-Post Fragile Globe by Dave Granlund, PoliticalCartoons.com
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links of the author’s writing may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. However, the cartoons are under the governance of CagleCartoons.com and cannot be replicated.
I’ve always been a human being who could find humor in the worst of situations and times, which is one of the reasons I think my childhood did not drive me mad. This week, as I mourned a friend who had passed from the coronavirus and prayed for two of my friends and two of my enemies who were stricken by this curse, one of the tools that helped me through the morass was finding humor in unexpected places. Like receiving my carefully planned and expensive DIY pedicure equipment from Amazon (complete with top grade foot soaker and massager and lavender-scented Epsom salts) only to discover I can no longer reach my feet due to my 71-year-old chubby-ass body. A bougie problem, I know! Nevertheless it is a problem for me since my husband has not volunteered to give me a pedicure and probably never will. We’ve all been affected by this pandemic, whether by mere inconvenience or debilitating loss—personally and financially. Obviously, I’m still in the “inconvenienced” category by the grace of God. I know this. I am grateful, but I still need to laugh or I’ll turn into a ball of rage because I blame everything from my friend’s death to my inability to maintain my diva nails and toes on one person and one person only: Donald J. (“I don’t take any responsibility”) Trump!
Cartoon used by permission: 237420 Incompetent Trump by Bob Englehart PoliticalCartoons com
As I contemplated the absurdity of having seven out of my ten throbbing fingernails wrapped in Band-Aids (the result of trying to perform a DIY acrylic nail removal which gave birth to four punctured fingers and three torn nail beds), my sister-in-law sent me a list of coronavirus laugh lines entitled “Effects of the Coronavirus.” Actually, she got them from her husband who was sent them by his old college roommate, but when I Googled them the published source turned out to be Chuck and Anne Norwood from The Laurinburg Exchange in Scotland County, North Carolina. Chuck and Anne say these coronavirus laugh lines are not originally from them but were sent in by a reader who collected them from God knows where. If these coronavirus quotes turn out to be the brain children of some of America’s gazillion wonderful comedians, please forgive me for not giving you the proper credit…blame it on the COVID-19 insanity or the mind-numbing pain emanating from my bleeding fingers that is slowly eroding my cerebrum and my well-being.
EFFECTS OF THE CORONAVIRUS
Cartoon used by permission: 236678 Here’s toilet paper by John Darkow Columbia Missourian
“I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.”
“Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.”
Cartoon used by permission: 237317 Almost Time To Eat Again by Ed Wexler PoliticalCartoons com
“Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.”
“I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.”
“PSA: ‘Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.’”
“Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.”
Cartoon used by permission: 236749 NATIONAL COVID 19 school closings by John Cole,The Scranton Times Tribune PA
“HOMESCHOOLING REPORT, FAMILY OF THREE—ONE ADULT, TWO KIDS: ‘Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.’”
“Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.”
“Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said ‘I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year’…. I’m offended.”
Cartoon used by permission: 237299 Upside to lockdown by John Darkow Columbia Missourian
“This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog—we laughed a lot.”
“I’m so excited—it’s time to take out the garbage! What should I wear!?!”
“I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.”
“Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter—The Living Room or The Bedroom”
Cartoon used by permission: 237093 Easter Bunny Covid 19 safety by Dave Granlund PoliticalCartoons com
Happy Easter and Happy Pesach everyone! Wishing you all bountiful gifts of gratitude, kindness, and comfort of heart as we reflect on the miracle of Passover and the hope of the Resurrection of Christ. Stay well. Stay safe. Stay kind because we are all in this journey together.
Cartoon used by permission: 237469 The Promise by David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star Tucson AZ
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Cartoon used by permission: 236338 Life as we know it by John Darkow Columbia Missourian
“In the year 2525, if man is still alive—if woman can survive, they may find…” NO TOILET PAPER!
I’m almost certain the song writer Richard Lee Evans wasn’t thinking about toilet paper when he wrote the first two lines of his apocalyptic song in 1964, but toilet paper sure is on my mind in these pandemic days of the coronavirus. I’m convinced that the wipe-out of toilet paper is a sign…a sign that America is one sheet of TP away from a total moral meltdown.
And I even have some butt in the game. I’ve got Celiac disease with an occasional side service of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), and toilet paper is my best bud.
So for me, this coronavirus hoarding shit just got real.
It isn’t just that TP has taken the place of gold, but it is the losing of our minds over the anticipated lack of it. I don’t know, maybe the entire country has IBS which makes sense given the President we have—just sayin’. If that is the case, I suppose the hoarding could be forgiven. But somehow, I don’t think so… I just heard that people got into fights at my local Costco over the last couple of packs of TP. In the area where one of my friends lives, people were seen assessing whether they could outrun their fellow shoppers, then they snatched said toilet paper out of other people’s carts and made a mad dash for the checkout counter.
Know your meme.com
Cartoon used by permission: 236278 Martian TP by Gary McCoy Shiloh IL
To make matters worse, fighting over toilet paper is not the only sign that we Americans are not going to weather this end-time scenario very well. (Remember: This is just the beginning—we could be in this “sans toilet paper world” for months, maybe years. BTW people: Can we all spell BIDET?)
BIDET MEME: Pin by Jonathan Friday on Custom Memes
The other day, I went to the grocery store. Since I’m old, I decided to arrive as soon as the store opened to avoid the crowds. When I pulled into the parking lot and couldn’t find a parking space, I knew I would be in for a bumpy ride. This grocery store is rather high end and expensive. I chose to shop there because it is small and I knew I’d encounter fewer people—thus less issue with potential contamination as I am one of those in the high risk category (over 60 with a compromised immune system). But when I pulled up to the store, there were hordes of very old White people banging on the glass doors to be let in (not one minority in the midst of the maddening crowd). (Did I mention that I live in a town where people go to die after having made a lot of money in their careers? Consequently, we have scores of very old, conservative, White, educated, rich people who predominantly voted for Trump because they thought he increased their stock portfolios and/or they are Evangelical Christians.) Anyway, the people who were banging on the store windows all rushed inside when the doors were unlocked and made a beeline to the meat counter at the back of the store. (Who knew 70 and 80 year olds could move that fast while pushing a grocery cart?) By the time I got my service ticket, I was number 30. There were no whole chickens, no chicken thighs or drumsticks, there were ten chicken wings, very little hamburger, a few cartoons of eggs from some free range farm that cost a king’s ransom and no carrots.
“You know this is the only grocery store in town that has any meat left,” said the old lady with the nervous twitch who almost knocked over the bread cart as she tried to keep 6 feet of space between us. “That can’t be possible,” I gasped. “We have four grocery stores within a two-mile radius!”
Cartoon used by permission: 235885 COVID-19 and shortages by Dave Granlund PoliticalCartoons com
By the time I got to the butcher counter, the only meat and fish left were the cuts the Queen of England would serve for a fancy state dinner party. “Is this all the meat you have today? Isn’t there any chicken?” I asked the butcher. “Yep and nope,” he said, with a look of, “take it or leave it, lady—I been here since 6 a.m. butchering meat. It’s not my fault that your greedy neighbors snatched up what little we had as if these rich old people would never eat again. I got no whole chickens, no chicken thighs, no chicken legs, and the last of the chicken wings just got sold while answering your stupid questions.”
As I quickly pointed to cuts of meat I’d either never cooked before (rack of lamb) or that cost me an arm and a leg (Prime Steaks) to purchase, I heard someone in the depleted egg section “Pssst!” me over his way. The summons had come from a young African-American man who I’d never seen before. There are not many of my peeps who shop in that store, so if you see one and you don’t know them, they either work there or they are tourists. He was a new stock employee replenishing $5.00 a cup “Goat’s milk” yogurt made by Tibeto-Burman people from the eastern and central Himalayas. (All the Dannon, Chobani, and Stoneyfield yogurt had long gone the way of the chicken wings.)
The young man invaded my social distancing space to angrily complain about the racism in my town. “Do you see that White woman over there?” said my new coronavirus friend. “She coughed—COUGHED!—right in my face, didn’t apologize, didn’t even acknowledge me—just went on her merry way. I’ve only been working here a week and I’ve never seen racism like this. It’s the most racist town I’ve ever lived in!”
Oh good grief, I thought. All I wanted was some hamburger meat and a roast chicken. Now I’m going to be involved in a race war. “Listen, my millennial baby,” I said. “I’ve lived here for a while. Most of the people in the town are very lovely. Do we have racists? Yes, we do. But for every racist we have, there are ten more people who are not of that ilk. If I were to take a guess, that woman is probably not a racist in the classic sense, she probably is just a self-absorbed bitch. I would wager that we have more bitches than we do racists in this town. Now go spray yourself down with some Lysol and think happy thoughts, for Christ’s sake, because things are going to get a hell of a lot crazier than this in the months to come.”
Cartoon used by permission: 235931 American Panic by Marian Kamensky Austria
All I could think of as I drove away (besides how I needed to call my friend Marilyn ASAP to ask her how to cook a rack of lamb) was that America may not survive COVID-19, not because of its deadly virus components, not because we don’t have the resources or the scientists to discover a cure, but because it hasn’t taken much to scratch the surface of our self-centeredness (“toilet paper for me and mine, I don’t give a shit about you and yours”), fears, suspicions, xenophobia, and meanness. I heard a few days ago that gun sales were going through the roof. Ammunition sales were unprecedented. Looks like we’ll probably kill each other with guns long before the coronavirus does.
If I run into my new millennial grocery store friend again, I will share with him a secret that I learned from Viktor Frankl’s writing (survivor of four Nazi concentration camps); if the young man embraces this truth he will be able to live anywhere through anything with anyone at any time:
“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.”
In the meantime, for all my fellow citizens who are refusing to isolate themselves and are engaging in careless behavior (Spring Break millennials and some mega churches) thus disregarding the health of their fellow citizens, a pox on you and all your houses!
Cartoon used by permission: 236414 Spring Break morons COVID 19 by Dave Granlund PoliticalCartoons com
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Cartoon used by permission: 236377 TP Treasure by Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star Tribune MN
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Cartoon used by permission: 234892 Love 2020 by David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star Tucson AZ
THE CUPID LOVE TIMES—(The Tomczyk Satirical Report)/Valentine’s Day Post
On February 1st, hundreds of union Cupid leaders and the brain trusts of the National Valentine’s Association filed into an auditorium for a secret meeting. While seemingly ordinary in nature, high level leaks from the meeting have indicated that it was a very extraordinary gathering, and that come this Valentine’s Day, millions of love agents (a.k.a. Cupids) will be AWOL.
According to a high-level anonymous source of the UCW (United Cupid Workers), the Cupids have called for a strike which will commence at midnight on February 12th. On the morning of February 13th, it is assumed that florists, candy makers, jewelers, and restaurants hosting special Valentines dinners will notice that no reservations have been made, no flowers purchased, and no romantic trips to Airbnb’s and hotels booked for that once fortuitous day. The source says that the first indication that something is wrong in Cupidsville will be an uptick in “Valentighted” texts and voicemail messages. For the uninitiated, the word “valentighted” was created by Metro UK writer Ellen Scott last year, and she says the word means: “the heartbreaking act of dumping someone right before Valentine’s Day, because you’re too tight to get them a gift, write a card, or make any kind of fuss… Valentine’s Day plus being too much of a tightwad to buy a gift = Valentighting.” [equal sign, mine] In the meantime, this reporter has been told that all the Cupids who have the means to do so will relocate to Canada before February 14th—wherever Meghan and Prince Harry are hanging out. Their thinking is: if Meghan and Harry can disengage from the Royals, the Cupids can divorce from Valentine’s Day in America.
Internet Cupid Meme/Anonymous
Upon further investigation, several Cupids were willing to be interviewed by this reporter, but only if their names were not disclosed. For the purpose of expediency, we’ll call them Cupid A, Cupid B, and Cupid C.
INTERVIEWER: Can any of you tell me what started the Cupid organization’s decline?
CUPID A: Certainly. IMHO, it started with the birth of those damn internet dating sites. Did you know there are approximately 8,000 dating sites around the world and 2,500 of them are in the United States? I personally filed a lawsuit the minute the OkCupid site was launched in 2004. The nerve!
CUPID B: Are you kidding me? Our existence has been doomed from the very beginning because our modus operandi was to overpower freewill and make people fall in love with someone they hadn’t planned on giving the time of day to. Even God won’t make people do what they don’t want to do. Not to mention, trying to catch people at just the right time and place and shoot them in the heart instead of in their asses or eyeballs has always been a lawsuit waiting to happen.
CUPID C: No, that’s not our main problem. We got screwed over by the Romans. The Cupids have been around since Greek Mythology. Our name used to be Eros, the Winged God of Love (which I much preferred, by the way—much classier). Back then we were slender and tall like a young Brad Pitt. We wore stylish tight leather pants with matching slippers and elbow-length leather gloves that caught the glimmer of our long, flowing golden locks. (I’m pretty sure we were gay, too.) But around 31BC, Rome conquered Greece, turned us into fat toddlers with a button mushroom-sized penis, stripped off our clothes and slippers, and we were given a choice of flying around naked or having our asses ensconced in droopy diapers. To make matters worse, they forced us to succumb to very bad home perms for our hair. We’ve been a disgrace ever since. No one takes us seriously.
Cartoon used by permission: 74618 Valentine’s Day, COLOR by David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star Tucson, AZ
CUPID B: No one takes love seriously anymore ever since the Abuser in Chief, the Orange Demon, the President of Lies, the Corrupter of Integrity, and the Bulldozer of Truth came to power. Everybody is cynical, lacking hope, and waiting for the civil war to start. People don’t even like each other let alone want to fall in love with anybody that’s different from them. Where’s the excitement in that? I used to be able to work a little magic—do a little mischief—by causing a Republican to fall in love with a Democrat, a Christian to fall in love with a Heathen, or an opera singer to fall in love with a heavy metal singer. Now the American hearts have hardened so dramatically that no arrows of love have the capability to pierce their myocardium.
CUPID A: Ha, looks like someone has been reading his Thesaurus.
CUPID B: Dude, I’m serious! Trump has grabbed all the Republicans in Washington and across the land by their gonads and twisted them in a vice so hard that their hearts have imploded inside their chests. There is nothing left for us to pierce—nothing left for us to do among the hard-hearted. We are undone. I mean we could stick around and wait for the apocalypse, but why?
Cartoon used by permission: 221646 Valentine’s Day by David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star, Tucson AZ
INTERVIEWER: Wait a minute now, I’d like to push back on that. There are other people in America who could use your love arrows. What about us?
CUPID A: Too late, Buddy. Y’all are crazy and you’ve crossed over the line. Last week some Alabama cop suggested that Nancy Pelosi should be taken out by a roadside bomb. This week some rapper led the charge against Gayle King that threatened her life over an interview he didn’t like.
CUPID C: Oh yeah, that was Snoop Dogg (a.k.a. Calvin Cordozar Broadus Jr.). Doesn’t that name just crack you up? Where did he get the name Snoop Dogg from? I’ve always wanted to ask him, but he scares the shit out of me. Anyway, I just got a text that Snoop’s Momma slapped him upside his head, and he manned up and apologized to Gayle.
CUPID A: Well, thank God for mommas…the Earth may yet be saved by them. But we Cupids have discussed whether we should stay or go ad nauseum. We’ve really grown quite fond of you humans throughout the centuries, but we got a final commandment from our Boss (the big Cupid in the sky) who thinks we need to hightail it out of here before the civil war starts. It’s his great wisdom which thinks that due to the “Capulets and the Montagues’” feud between the Right and the Left that has been churned up by the Demon King, the carnage will be unbelievable. Our little vulnerable naked bodies will be chopped liver in that fray. There will be naked cherub bodies flying through the air like dandelion puff balls in the path of a nor’easter. You know where we’ll be hiding out, though. Just give us a call if you discern that the love of your fellow citizens has overcome their differences. In the meantime, you might want to engage in a strong bit of intercession to the God of Love to break the hardened hearts and give them the ability to love and be loved. The love you guys need has gone way beyond our pay scale and love arsenal. You need the big guns, Boo-boo! Ciao, Baby!
Cartoon used by permission: 234979 Needing More Arrows by Jeff Koterba Omaha World Herald NE
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Cartoon used by permission: 206562 Valentine by David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star Tucson AZ
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Cartoon used by permission: 191041 Valentine for Washington COLOR by Dave Granlund Politicalcartoons com
Cartoon Used by Permission: 228305 Some Pig by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
THE NATIONAL CONSCIOUSNESS POST—MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR TRIBUTE
By Eleanor Tomczyk (Satirical Columnist)
8:41 p.m. Saturday, January 18, 2020
As the nation prepares to celebrate the birthday of one of our greatest heroes, the Washington Post-Ipsos poll was just released that states 8 out of 10 African Americans (83% of those polled) blame President Trump for the inordinate increase in racism in our country, and 65% say it is a bad time to be Black. Our newspaper wanted to follow up on these jarring statistics in the shadow of the celebration of Martin Luther King’s birthday. We were able to get in touch with quite a few WWMD clubs across the nation to interview them about their reaction to the Post-Ipsos poll. Usually a secretive club (I learned about them just several days ago through a friend of a friend), they were very transparent with me as a reporter because they felt that so much of what Dr. King worked for is being destroyed and all good people need to come out—front and center—and do the right thing. What follows is a conference call interview with one particular club in Virginia. It best encapsulates fears of African-Americans from sea to shining sea during these post-Obama years.
REPORTER: First of all, I want to thank you for doing this interview on such short notice. I understand that you are a group of African-American septuagenarians who meet together on a regular basis to pray for our country. Maxine Reynolds, my research notes indicate that you are the President of this local chapter. Can you give me an overview of what you stand for? For instance, what does WWMD mean?
MAXINE: Yes, I am, and welcome! Good to have you here, my friend. WWMD stands for “What would Martin do?” We started meeting on an informal basis right after President Trump asked the Black community “what do you have to lose by voting for me?” We were so alarmed after 8% of the Black community did vote for him, that those of us who still had our common sense intact said a collective “Oh Shit!” and formed this club. We did so to illuminate what Dr. King lived and died for before the country got consumed by Trump’s hatred. Our fears regarding the damage Trump could do were really underscored when the tikki-torch, Confederate flag waving White Supremacists murdered that sweet young protester, and Trump didn’t disparage them but declared that there were “good people on both sides.”
Cartoon Used by Permission: 228472 Trucking in Hate by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
REPORTER: Why did 8% of African-Americans vote for Trump? Surely they are not that gullible as a race.
BARBARA: Barbara Wakefield speaking. I’m the VP of our local chapter of WWMD. No, we’re the least gullible of America’s people. In fact, given our history, Black folks are very sharp politically. I suspect 8% voted for Trump because they always voted Republican and couldn’t bring themselves to vote as a Democrat (we are not monolithic, you know), or they just downright hated Hilary. You surprised? You think White Republicans are the only ones who can’t stand the Clintons?
MAXINE: As an African-American, I voted for Hilary, but I have to tell you, I held my nose when I did it.
REPORTER: Interesting… how many members in your group? How many nationwide? Are they all in their seventies? Charles, you’re head of the membership drive, can you field my questions?
CHARLES: Sure. In the beginning, the group was made up of those who were part of the Civil Rights Movement and marched with Martin back in the day. We’re the generation that gained the most from Dr. King’s sacrifice and courage. We’re the ones who first got college educations in our families, first to become captains of our industries, and the first group of Black folks that lived better than our parents. As to membership, we had a hard time in the beginning getting people to join. A lot of our folks got lulled to sleep by the election of our first Black president. We were so busy patting ourselves on the back that we swallowed the lie that racism was dead now that a Black man was in the Oval Office. What we didn’t realize was that the racism was just in hiding underneath the veneer of a polite society, and the sight of a Black family in the White House made a large percentage of White America’s blood boil. By the time Trump came along and started his birther nonsense to discredit the legitimacy of President Obama, he whipped the haters into full White Supremacist frothy hysteria.
Cartoon Used by Permission: 92443 Birther Reality COLOR by Monte Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons
REPORTER: Of late, I’ve heard that you’ve had a membership surge and most of the new members to the WWMD club have been White. Do you think the birther issue woke them up to the danger of the eroding of Dr. King’s movement?
GEORGE: I can speak to that since I’m White and a new member. First of all, not all White people are racist. That really burns my cookies when people lump all White people together. We are not a monolithic group either. The way I figure it, only about 30% of us adhere to that racist BS. Most of us suffer from the sin of cluelessness. We figure if it hasn’t or isn’t happening to us than other people are fine also. We are clueless as to the daily racial sufferings (especially the micro aggressions) that Black people go through. I can drive by a Confederate flag, and I might not like it but it doesn’t affect me on a visceral level. I might even buy the bullshit that the flag represents my White neighbor’s heritage. On the other hand, my Black friends (notice I have more than one Black friend, thank you very much) tell me they get violently ill when they see that “in your face” marker of White Supremacy because it definitely represents their heritage—one of bondage, brutality, chains, and lynchings. I don’t want my grandchildren to inherit a Trump world and ideology that hurts people. I want them to love all races and be aware of what causes others pain. I joined after the debacle in Charlottesville, the wide-scale voter suppression in the Black communities in 2018, the growing revelations of police brutality, and the awareness of the growing income and educational disparity in the Black community.
Cartoon Used by Permission: 212482 Voter Suppression by Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star-Tribune, MN
MARY ANN: I’m White and a Born-Again Christian. I joined WWMD because I realized much too late that Trump was the leader of a cult and he had sucked out the soul and the brains of so many of my family and friends. The more Trump’s immoral character showed itself, the more my friends and relatives turned a blind eye and started imbibing the hate talk-radio rhetoric of the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones. Many of them wear the bracelets WWJD (“What would Jesus do?”), but by the way they worship at the feet of the Liar-in-Chief, the answer is: Jesus would do absolutely nothing in response to Trump’s blatant immorality, and therefore neither will I. When the Christian Trumpers anointed him as the “Chosen One,” I joined WWMD to save my soul and find a place that honored good character, truth, and integrity before it was too late to find it in the public square or at the church altar.
Cartoon Used by Permission: 208900 MLK by Milt Priggee Oak Harbor, WA
REPORTER: Well, that’s a fascinating twist. Are there other White Christians in the room who can elaborate on that?
AMBER: Yes, I can. My name is Amber. I grew up in Evangelical Christianity. My parents were part of the Jesus Movement, and I thought I could ride out the stupidity of Trump idolatry when it hit our Pentecostal/Charismatic church. I figured the Church would wake up sooner or later and get back to enacting WWJD. But the more I waited, the more I noticed our collective soul and any intelligence we may have had slip-sliding away. I belonged to one of those mega churches who I now suspect support Trump because they lust after his money, the men lust after his fake-tit wife, and the women lust after the fake-tit wife’s glamorous life.
Anyway, I had halfway divorced my parents and had one foot out the door when I heard a woman on a “Christian” radio program who had called in to protest the fact that Michelle Obama had been named the most admired woman in the world for the second time in a row. The woman was apoplectic over what she perceived was a miscarriage of justice. She falsely accused Barack Obama of being a pedophile (in cahoots with the Clintons) and both the Obamas of being money launderers (because how else could they possibly have such nice stuff). The “Christian” prayer warrior proceeded to pray that God the Father would reveal the true identity of Michelle (who she knows for certain is a man whose name is Michael and Michelle secretly has a penis), and that God would further reveal that the Obama children are not theirs but Barack’s best friend (apparently, the kids are on loan to promote the ruse that the Obamas are a heterosexual, loving, Christian family). The woman could not understand how her fake-tit goddess (Melania Trump) could be overlooked by the world for a man in drag (i.e. Michelle Obama) when Melania is so beautiful, classy, and speaks seven languages. It seems the Jesus lover forgot about Melania’s butt-naked pictures that are all over the Internet and that she’s done nothing significant except plagiarize Michelle Obamas speech when she first came on the scene, and express to the world her callousness and disdain when visiting the traumatized children at the border.*
I screamed, “I’M OUT!” and I haven’t looked back.
Cartoon Used by Permission: 212191 Melania fashion statements by Dave Granlund PoliticalCartoons. com
REPORTER: Unfortunately, I know that conspiracy theory.* It’s been bouncing around Right-wing talk radio for years, and Trump’s base believes it hook, line, and sinker. The racism is mindboggling, but if so-called Christians can’t do what Jesus taught them to do, how can emulating Dr. King help you get beyond the anger and fear these types of conspiracy theories must engender? I mean, Dr. King said that he wanted African-Americans to be judged on their character. Who has demonstrated more outstanding character than the Obamas? Yet, when the haters can’t find any blemish in their character, they make up stuff.
MAXINE: Please… that crap doesn’t have anything to do with Jesus and he ain’t listenin’ to their idiotic prayers. My visceral reaction is to pummel this woman and everyone like her. But if I did that, my heart would turn to stone and I’d become as stupid as that woman. Martin (and Jesus—the God who Martin loved and served) would tell us to not embrace hatred but to love our enemies. So I pray for people like her. It ain’t easy, but I do it anyway.
BARBARA: I think loving the Trump supporters is a tall order. I’m just not there yet. What I can do and am doing to recoup Dr. King’s legacy is that I’m dispensing kindness to each and every person I meet along the way. Whether it’s a genuine smile to a stranger, helping someone in need, writing a note of encouragement or just not returning evil for evil—I know I’ve done something significant to push back the hatred that divides us as a country. Every time I hear of some hateful racist story against my people, I make an extra effort to be kind to those I know and don’t know. Maybe someday I’ll be like Martin and Jesus, for that matter, and learn to look into the darkness, fear not, and see the love emanating from my heart illuminating the dark hearts of the haters. That’s what Martin would do.
Cartoon Used by Permission: 205175 Keep Looking Up by Jeff Koterba, Omaha World Herald, NE
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT KINDNESS
“I shall pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”—Stephen Grellet
“I make mistakes daily, letting generalizations creep into my thoughts and negatively affect my behavior. These mistakes have taught me that the first step to successfully choosing kindness is being more mindful about it, letting go of impatience and intolerance along the way.”—Daniel Lubetzky
“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”—Og Mandino
ALL QUOTES COURTESY OF BRAINYQUOTES.COM
Cartoon Used by Permission: 189869 MLK statue COLOR by Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com
*The conspiracy story and the prayer that was spoken is true and the author of this blog vomited her lunch when she heard it. In fact, she’s still vomiting…
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Cartoon Used by permission: 217461 Scary times by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian
END-TIMES GAZETTE (The Tomczyk Satirical Report)—In an appearance at a recent Trump rally, Satan held an impromptu press conference outside the convention center hosting the event. The Prince of Darkness announced that he was going to add his signature to a newly launched petition from “stopthemadness.org” which is calling on the citizens of America to cancel Halloween in 2019. When asked by one of the local reporters why he, Beelzebub (a.k.a. “Sneaky Snake”), would petition against his favorite holiday, he said with deep sadness: “’Cause I can’t deal with this shit! I can’t out-scare the antics of your sorry-ass president and his demons. That dude is bat-shit crazy—even by my standards, and I ain’t got nothin’ in my arsenal that can out horrify the mind-debilitating reality that Trump could win the election in 2020—thus leaving you all in a permanent hell of your own making. Sorry Earthlings…but Halloween is no fuckin’ fun anymore. I hereby declare Lucifer is out-of-here and will participate in the ‘pretend scariness’ of Halloween when and only when the real evil in the White House has been impeached. ‘Cause even the Kingdom of Hell can’t fathom four more years of a President Cheeto reign. Ciao Goblins!”
Photo Credit: E. Tomczyk/Busch Gardens Hallow Scream Decoration 2019
It seems that the petition
to cancel Halloween 2019 is rapidly growing.
This reporter caught up with one of the more surprising signatories
who is a founding father of Halloween—the Imperial Jack O’ Lantern, formerly
known as “Stingy Jack” when he lived in Ireland. I asked him why he had signed
a petition that would sacrifice his one celebratory day, and if he would live
to regret his action.
“No, I
don’t think so,” said an obviously demoralized Jack. “I hate it, of course. I’ve been a part of Halloween in America
since the beginning, but I’ve got to do something. First of all, I need to reclaim my
image. My calling card is orange and
round. Trump has usurped that look. When I started out in Ireland, I didn’t have
the issue of someone stealing my thunder.
In leprechaun land I inhabited hollowed out turnips, gourds, rutabagas,
beets, and any other tuber that could be found.
Pumpkins did not exist in the land of the Irish. It’s only when I moved to America that I
lusted after a bigger, better, roomier home to inhabit. And now the patina and the roundness of my
precious pumpkin has been stolen by President Cheeto’s spray tan addiction and
his obese fondness for Kentucky Fried Chicken causing his face to resemble a
pumpkin and eclipsing my signature collector’s item. I am truly undone,” sobbed Mr. O’Lantern.
Cartoon used by permission: 231052 Make the pumpkin great again by John Darkow, Columbia, Missourian
Mrs. Colleen O’Sullivan
of the Irish Halloweensonian Museum was very responsive to this reporter’s
query for more background information on “Stingy Jack.” She said, “Our records report Mr. O’Lantern was
quite the evil character back in the day.
Irish historians have noted that ‘Stingy Jack’ was an extremely parsimonious
and mean human being (thus the name, ‘Stingy Jack’). He used to play tricks on everyone—including the
Devil. Irish lore has it that one time
he tricked the Devil into climbing an apple tree and then planted numerous
crosses at the bottom of the tree. It is
well known that the Devil can’t touch a cross without being fried to a crisp,
so Jack forced the Devil to enter a bargain with him: If Jack removed the
crosses, the Devil had to promise not to take Jack’s soul to Hell upon his
death. Obviously, the Devil accepted the
bargain and Jack removed the crosses.
“Eventually, ‘Stingy Jack’ did die and marched himself right up to Heaven’s gates as most people do who don’t have an ounce of self-awareness. A horrified St. Peter refused to let Jack into Heaven and sent him down to Hell. However, upon ‘Stingy Jack’s’ arrival at the gates of Hell, the Devil sardonically reminded him of their bargain and refused to allow Jack to enter his domain. The Devil consigned him to the dark netherworld between Heaven and Hell for all eternity where there is not a scintilla of light. Mr. O’Lantern had such a hissy fit over his fate and the huge trick the Devil had played on him that Beelzebub took a modicum of pity on him and threw Jack an ember of coal from the fires of Hell to light his way through the netherworld. Jack always carried some type of gourd with him and quickly carved out the tuber to shield his fiery ember. The superstitious Irish adopted the tradition of setting out carved tubers with candles inside on their doorsteps on Halloween which they hoped would scare ‘Stingy Jack’ from trying to take up residence in their homes and playing tricks on them. With the great Irish migration to America, the pumpkin became the permanent home of Jack O’Lantern and a fixture that no Halloween would be complete without.”
Photo Credit: Herbie Gill/Comic https://www.herbiegill.com/ Night of a 1,000 Jack O’Lanterns Presented by “Rise of the Jack O’Lanterns”
One source who asked not to be named, due to fear of being turned into a frog or a Trump supporter, said that the witches did go on record to announce that although they had no new cauldron chant that would be scarier than the curse of The Donald winning the 2020 election, they had posted a well-worn chant from Shakespeare’s Macbeth—Act 4, Scene 1, on the dark web just for grins and giggles and old times sake.
THE WITCHES CAULDRON
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
When asked if the source thought the Witches of the World were encouraged that Trump might be destroyed before or during the election from all the damaging impeachment inquiry testimonies, the source replied that the Witches were heard to have said: “Meh…we’re beginning to think that asshole can survive anything. He can shoot someone on 5th Avenue and…well you get the drift. Even WE don’t have that type of resilience.”
Cartoon used by permission: 231145 Trump the Survivor by Kevin Siers, The Charlotte Observer, NC
The petition to cancel Halloween includes the likes of Ghosts Anonymous, Skeletons: Have Bones Will Travel, Black Cats and Graveyards Consolidated, and the exclusive Zombies and Brains Gourmand Club to name a few. The Halloween Mask Labor Union had not yet signed the petition but when reached for comment said that even though Halloween is a huge revenue time for them, their organization would join in solidarity with their sisters and brothers because they saw no other option than to go on strike since they could not compete with the horrible gut-wrenching thought of a Trump 2020 victory. The thought was sheer terror even for those who are used to the terrorization business. To date, at least 50 percent of the American population has signed the petition to stop Halloween until the great evil in the White House has been impeached and banished to Hell. At that time, said Mr. Everyman who I approached on the street, “We can go back to pretending to be scared by the benign. But right now, the Trump evil is just too real.” All Mrs. Everywoman had to say when asked what she would do if Trump won reelection in 2020 was, “Oh, the horrors!” as she started to cry and scream uncontrollably.
Cartoon used by permission: 230458 Rudy Rudy Rudy by Bruce Plante Tulsa World
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Cartoon used by permission: 216955
Saudia Arabia Halloween by Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch OH
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
How The Hell Did I End Up Here? is a non-commercial entertainment and social commentary blog about the author's life and a critique of public and political personalities, published news articles, and consumer venues. Any linked-to or reblogged images contained on this website remain the property of their respective copyright owner(s), have been used by contractual permission, are displayed under the fair use doctrine, or are part of public domain.
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