It just took a brief, horrifying investigation to discover what is wrong—why I can’t seem to reach you at your address. Apparently, your abode of love and compassion has been obfuscated by one Donald J. Trump and his MAGA religion of cruelty and lies. I don’t know if you are aware, but this dude is trying to become the Messiah of Christianity and the King of the world.
To make things worse, Donald “Jesus” Trump has been ushered into place by many of your Christians who see a way to grab hold of power supposedly in your name, but it’s actually in their likeness of dominance, greed, power, and utmost control. They have kicked your compassion and empathy for the poor and the immigrant to the curb, and they have crushed any sense of truthfulness to get their own way. In fact, they push forth a lie when the truth would be more convenient. They’ve co-opted your character and made it a political tool of hate.
Cartoon used by permission: 292299_MAGA Jesus Cures by Pat Byrnes, PoliticalCartoons.com
All this to say: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?! Don’t you care that your street cred is being greatly tarnished and possibly abolished? I don’t want to tell you how you should be running things, but as I meditate on what Easter means to me, I’m reminded that your love for me and all humans caused you to sacrifice your life on a cross so that we might live free. Although I don’t fully understand why such a sacrifice was needed, I do know that what the idol Donald “Jesus” Trump is flaunting, ain’t it! And yet…so many of your followers—those claiming to be Christians and sporting huge crosses around their necks and on their lapels to prove their loyalty to you—are buying it hook, line, and sinker.
Cartoon used by permission: 283958_Christen Dumb by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian
Anyway, I’m trying to reach you this Easter to let you know that those of us that follow the true Messiah—Jesus, of Nazareth—the God of love, mercy, compassion, truth, humility, and forgiveness are still loyal to you but we’re freaking out! Why are you allowing Trump to get away with this madness of blaspheming your character? I’m reminded that nothing is new in history, of course. We’ve been here before when your White Christians have sold you down the river for their own greed and lust for power. Remember the Civil War? Most White Christians had convinced themselves that you approved of slavery and that their Black brothers and sisters were only 2/5ths human and not deserving of freedom, self-rule, education, the pursuit of happiness, or respect.
Cartoon used by permission: 294079_MAGA Heaven by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
May I be so bold as to remind you my Lord and Savior about something I read recently from a German historian that nothing exemplifies the selling of one’s soul like the German churches in the 30’s and 40s. By the time the Allies destroyed the Nazis, most of the German churches had aligned themselves with Hitler (that other demon who tried to steal your glory) and his government of hate and lies; Swastika flags draped their churches, and the Nazis had reinvented you as an Arnold Schwarzenegger-type, Aryan body builder who would eradicate all the Jews— “the others”. You must have been overcome with fury whenever a child was baptized in the German churches during Hitler’s reign of terror when the minister anointed the baby with the “blessing”: “May this child grow up to honor the glory of our Lord and our Fuhrer.”
Cartoon used by permission: 292709_MAGA Nation by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
In my despair, I would suggest that you not even bother to show up this Easter, but then I can’t shake the definition of Easter:
Easter is celebrated by Christians to commemorate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. This event, described in the New Testament, is believed to symbolize victory over sin and death and offers hope of salvation for humanity. The resurrection is a central tenet of Christian faith, signifying Jesus’ divinity and his victory over death.
Then I remember that no sin or evil which equals death in the end has ever withstood your resurrection. American Slavery did not stand in your name and crush my people, Apartheid did not triumph in your name and overcome the Black South Africans, and Nazism—murderous as it was—did not destroy the Jews in your name. Your resurrection—your victory over death—destroyed all these anti-Christs. And so, shall it be this time around…. (I do believe, I do believe; help my unbelief, dear God!)—Love, Eleanor
Cartoon used by permission: 294854_HAPPY EASTER by Marian Kamensky, Austria
HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!
HE IS RISEN!
HE IS RISEN, INDEED!
Cartoon used by permission: 283798_Easter Promise by Dave Granlund, PoliticalCartoons.com
***
If you’d like a funny, insightful, dystopian romp in the form of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, where the god of that world does thwart the elevation of an “Unholy One” and the dethroning of the Head of Oz’s Religious Faith Office, please check out my latest book House of Oz Undone:
Blog published by Howthehelldidienduphere? Publications LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
NORTH POLE CHRONICLES: BREAKING NEWS! Santa has gone AWOL!
An unnamed whistleblower has just leaked the news that Santa fled the North Pole sometime last week. Rumor has it that the Old Man fled in total disgust due to the changing of the rules regarding who is naughty or nice as well as what is good behavior versus bad in America.
Another unnamed source said that Santa had been in despair since the recent American Presidential election because he had come under inordinate pressure from the majority of Americans to remove the name of “he who should not be named” from the Naughty list. To make matters worse, “he who should not be named” had been on Santa’s Most Wanted Naughty Dude list for years and was the gold standard for badness. The pressure to remove the “bad dude” from this list cut to the very core of Santa’s soul.
Cartoon used by permission: 290933_NATIONAL Trump demands to be on Santa’s Nice List by John Cole, Georgia Recorder, georgiarecorder.com
When Santa’s Chief of staff (Senior Elf Ramona) was contacted by this reporter, she reluctantly admitted that Santa had indeed run off and was nowhere to be found. However, she surmised that it wasn’t just the compromising of the Nice List that caused him to go AWOL, but it was the way the so-called guardians of Christmas (MAGA Christians) were treating their countrymen that truly broke his heart. Santa recently overheard the conversation of two longtime golf partners leaving a Golf Pro Shop in America after a golf game at their country club. As they parted, one of the ladies wished the other a blessing of “Happy Holidays” with a twinkle in her eye and a heart brimming with love and genuine Christmas spirit. The other golf partner’s face immediately turned dark with anger as she snapped back with the venom of a cobra: “IT’S MERRY CHRISTMAS! in my neck of the woods.” The cruelty of the words’ divisiveness wounded her acquaintance and slapped the joy from her face. It was at that point Santa announced: “O.K. I’m done! Christmas is a joke to these MAGA people!”
It’s been reported that Santa contacted his employer (Jesus the Christ) to warn him of the changing tide against the true spirit of Christmas in America and asked the Lord to intervene—seeing that it was his birthday, and all. But his CEO said: “No can do, Homie! The people have spoken. They begged for this Orange king like their ancestors of old begged for a king*, so I gave them what they wanted (just like I did their ancestors) even though I warned them over and over again, and every which way but Sunday, that their Orange king would be selfish, cruel, oppressive, ruthless, and naughty to the core. They ignored my messengers and voted him in as their head leader anyway. They were blinded by idolatry, and they fell in love with a false god while ignoring the true God of Christmas. Therefore, I have washed my hands of the situation until they come to their senses. Let’s hope that happens sooner than later for the sake of the children.”
Cartoon used by permission: 291019_Cindy Lou Who Fawns Over the Grinch by Rick McKee, CagleCartoons.com
Elf Ramona said that Santa had left a departing note:“Dudes and Dudette Elves—Not sure when I’ll return. Please don’t search for me and don’t try to follow me. I need to go some place where ‘lies are not considered truth,’ and ‘hate doesn’t masquerade as love.’ While I’m gone, I recommend you ‘refresh’ the Santa Newsletter on Substack every once and awhile with some soul-searching reading and meditative writings that feature stories about a nation in an alternate world that has turned topsy-turvy due to a wicked leader but finds its way back home by embracing the true meaning of being the followers of Truth and Love. Flood the airways with the writings of these truthtellers in the hope that at some point those who have blind eyes and deaf ears will listen and awaken from their trance. For starters, I highly recommend House of Oz Undone by Eleanor Tomczyk. Until we meet again, may the God of Christmas—our beloved leader—fill your minds with a peace that passes all understanding, give you spirits so full of joy that it stomps out all fear, and hearts so overwhelmed with love that no hatred can overpower you.”
Eleanor Tomczyk is a memoirist and humorist blogger renowned for her engagingly funny musings as an ex-Evangelical Conservative Christian (emphasis on the “ex”) and African-American Baby Boomer. Embarking on a new career as a storyteller at 60, she draws on her experiences in White Conservative churches. Now in her mid-70s and a wife, mother, and grandmother, Tomczyk has authored books such as Monsters’ Throwdown, Fleeing Oz, The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts to My Fetus-self, and House of Oz Undone: A Cautionary Tale. Her multifaceted career also spans roles as a singer, actress, motivational speaker, and award-winning voice-over artist.
Cartoon used by permission: 291012_A Christmas Miracle by Dave Whamond, Canada, PoliticalCartoons.com
Blog published by Howthehelldidienduphere? Publications LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
Busch Gardens Howl-O Scream||Photo credit: E. Tomczyk
3 P.M. HALLOWEEN AFTERNOON
Recently, I was listening to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” as inspiration for my Halloween costume for a party I was attending that night, while I doom-scrolled various headlines on the Internet:
“LA Archdiocese record payout ($800M) shows extent of Catholic church child sex abuse cover-up.”
“John Kelly says Trump praised Hitler, is the ‘definition of fascist’ and would like to be dictator.”
“If Trump Seems Crazy Now, Imagine Him Ruling America Again.”
“Invasion of the MAGA body snatchers: How many friends have you lost to madness?”
“70% of White Evangelicals Substitute the Gospel of Christ for a Failed Reality Host.”
“There’s People Who Are Absolutely Ready to Take on a Civil War”
And then it hit me like a brick to the head: It wasn’t just Halloween that was coming soon, but it was the Presidential election that was imminently upon us!
Right about that “boooing!” moment, one of my Facebook friends (a non-Christian) texted me a picture of his neighbor’s yard which was awash with political signs:
“Democrats are Communists and Terrorists—ARE YOU?”
“The Democratic Party HATES AMERICA—DO YOU?”
“If You Vote for the Whore—the Pea Brain—the Slut—Your Special Place in Hell is Guaranteed!”
“Trump, Trump, He’s God’s Man; If He Can’t Help Us, No One Can.”
My friend said that the irony of his neighbor’s horror-show, sign-reveal is that she is a professed Born-Again Christian and appeared to be religious to the core—never missing a Sunday service, Wednesday night Bible study or a church picnic, and never missing an opportunity to “preach the Gospel” to him. He had no idea if she knew his political standing, and although she had been tolerable as a neighbor, recently she seemed to have changed—turning into a witch in neighbor’s clothing. He said: “Hey, aren’t you still a Christian? Can you help me understand how people who preach about personally knowing the God of love can be so misguided and hateful? Do you think my neighbor could be demon possessed?” Under the picture of the nasty political signs my friend wrote the following caption: “If Trump wins, will it ever be safe to come out of my house?”
Cartoon used by permission: 289490_Witches Seek Trump Recipes for Putrefying Brains by Christopher Weyant, The Boston Globe, MA
Needless to say, I was instantly saddened for poor Jesus. I grabbed a bottle of wine to calm my nerves while ruminating on the one major thread the hostile political yard signs, plus the headlines I’d previously read, had in common. A horrible thought thundered through my head—like a specter stomping on my grave: they were all about the failure of so-called Christians to promote the common good. From priests and pastors who hid and protected child abusers for decades, while their victims languished and were destroyed, to White Evangelicals who lent their support to a convicted rapist and consummate liar charged with a total of 88 felony counts and found guilty of 34 of them.
On that note, I fell into a drunken stupor as I incessantly murmured the lyrics to the Prince of Egypt soundtrack to sooth my soul: “…Elohim, God on high, can you hear your people cry? Help us now—this dark hour, DELIVER US!”
Engraving of the Hammersmith Ghost in Kirby’s Wonderful and Scientific Museum, a magazine published in 1804 [common domain use]
I don’t know how long I had been asleep, but it was pitch black outside and apparently the electricity had gone out in my house, when the doorbell rang and woke me up. It was very dark outside with an unusually heavy fog hanging in the air. I didn’t see anyone as I stepped over the threshold onto the front porch to look around, but I felt an unshakeable chill as I backed inside my house and slammed the door shut and bolted it. As I searched for a flashlight on the mantle place, a nine-foot glowing specter dressed in a white shroud appeared behind me. His head was crowned with two horns and his face sported forty large glass eyes. The frightening form loomed over me causing a blood-curdling scream to escape from my being that I swear could be heard two states over.
“Shut the fuck up, woman,” said the specter with a British accent as he stifled my screams with one of his ice-cold hands. “Let me introduce myself before you wake the dead with your insane caterwauling. I am the ghost of Hammersmith—at your service.”
“Who? What? Wait a minute, I know about the history of the Hammersmith ghost,” I said in a quivering voice. “I’m no philistine. You’re an imposter. The Hammersmith ghost did not have forty glass eyes. Where did you come from?” I stammered.
“Well, technically from a churchyard in the 1800’s but literally from the cemetery just up the street. I heard you screaming, ‘Thriller bus! Thriller bus! And I need a thrilling Halloween costume toniiight!’ Or was that Michael Jackson (my favorite jam!) singing? As to the multiple glass eyes, it’s my Halloween touch—inspired by the King of Pop. I heard both you and MJ blasting from your cottage. I must say, I got a tad confused.” At which point the Hammersmith ghost broke into MJ’s Moonwalk as he screeched out a few lines of Michael Jackson’s Thriller:
‘And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike
You know it’s thriller, thriller night
You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight, yeah.’
“I was chillin’ behind one of the tombstones—bored out of my shroud, if truth be known—so I thought I’d drop in to see if your wish could be my command,” said a very pleased specter over his dance moves as he grabbed his crotch in a last-ditch effort to imitate MJ. “So, here I am: your ‘thriller bus’—here to take you on a costume run of your greatest fears!”
“Oh, for Halloween sake,” I said. “I was screaming ‘DELIVER US!’ to the God of the Universe because of the evil that is about to descend upon our country and the world if Donald Trump wins the upcoming Presidential election. I admit I was also screaming my frustration about not having a costume for the Halloween party tonight while dancing to MJ’s Thriller, but I did not conjure up you. Go back to Hell or wherever you came from!”
“Ooooh,” said the ghost. “My hearing really has been damaged since my transport from jolly ol’ England. Anyway, since I’m here, let’s go shopping. I’m soooooo bored. If you don’t like the costumes you see, I promise to return you without harm. At least we’ll both have an entertaining night. Deal?”
Before, I could utter a word, the Hammersmith ghost swooped me up in his arms like the Dickens’ Ghost of Christmas Future, and before I could blink, we were off to the graveyard up the street. When we landed, I noticed that the cemetery looked like a Halloween costume boutique showcasing Christian failures against the common good. Each tombstone featured a costume more horrific than the others, starting with the duplicity of Christian hypocrites who were rabid Trump supporters, but who had covered up the abuse of thousands of children through the years by their leadership—all the while lecturing other people about how they should live.
Cartoon used by permission: 289415_Christian Sex Scandals by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
“Oh, Hell to the no!” I said.
“What’s the problem? It is my understanding from reading a myriad of history books on Halloween, that humans wear costumes about the evil they fear the most so as to defuse the horror.”
“Do you want me to vomit all over you?” I asked as I tried to find a way out of the graveyard.
“Okay,” replied the specter moving toward another tombstone. “How about a costume that is in the form of a giant book sporting the title: Project 2025. That seems to be a pretty tame costume to me. Plus, it has been crafted by your fellow peeps—the Born-Agains—the Christian Dominionists!”
Cartoon used by permission: 289499_Project 2025 scary by Dave Granlund, PoliticalCartoons.com
“NO, NO, NO!” I screamed. “This Project 2025 shit is no laughing matter. I can’t even wear this in jest. If this actually takes hold of us as a society, we might as well kiss our freedom goodbye. Take me back home before I have a heart attack and join you in your new graveyard digs.”
“Sheesh! You’re so picky,” grumbled the Hammersmith ghost. “Uh, uh, uh… look over there at that tombstone. There’s one that’s all about ‘love.’ Right up your alley. According to Mr. Trump, he has rebranded January 6th as a ‘day of love’ and not a day or chaos, murder, and mayhem. You get to wear a January 6th rioter costume while sporting a massive cross around your neck and carrying a sign that says ‘Jesus Saves’ with a headband that is embossed with the slogan ‘Feel the Love’ as you bash out the brains of anyone who stands in the way of Donald Trump taking over America’s White House. Surely, the irony of this costume should appeal to you.”
Cartoon used by permission: 289597_REPOST- VIOLENT MOB SCENE ON JAN. 6 by Bruce Plante, PoliticalCartoons.com
I stood before the Hammersmith ghost with my arms crossed in defiance and refused to concede.
“Oh man, this is no fun; I thought you Americans had a sense of humor which is why I moved here,” said the ghost who stomped his foot in protest. “Okay, one last attempt? How about going as FEAR in the guise of twin presidential campaigners—one representing ‘truth and decency’ and the other representing ‘lies and depravity.” You should win the costume prize if you show up at the party as Kamala Harris AND Donald Trump. I would say that is rather unique. It will add a bit of mystery to the night, don’t you think? A ‘will she or won’t he’ vibe. The madness and uncertainty of it all is simply delicious!”
Cartoon used by permission: 289473_Harris and Trump neck and neck by Taylor Jones, Mount Dora, FL
“NO, NO, NO: JESUS, DELIVER ME!” I screamed, which must have done the trick because I was suddenly transported back to my house which was ablaze in lights. It had been a horrific night, but I suddenly knew what costume I was going to wear to the party: A Black woman, a Black mother and grandmother, a Black citizen who loves our democracy, and a Black Christian who still “loves me some Jesus” would go to the costume party as a voter who planned to kick Trump’s ass to the curb and make the coming election a blowout for Kamala Harris. I was confident I would win the prize.
Cartoon used by permission: 289584_Kicking Trump Out Daydream repost by Daryl Cagle, CagleCartoons.com
DEAR READER: Hope you enjoyed my Halloween story. I’m actually going to my Halloween party as a cover of my new book House of Oz Undone (a cautionary tale). It is the reimagining of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz which envisions the horror of a society that is on the verge of electing the Wicked Witch of the West as leader of Oz and forever losing its freedom and humanity. You can check it out on Amazon or wherever books are sold.
CHECK OUT WHAT OTHERS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT “HOUSE OF OZ UNDONE” by Eleanor Tomczyk:
“House of Oz Undone is a brilliant venture through today’s societal themes. Setting out to find their home, heart, brain, and courage, a group of unlikely friends dissects the political and religious chaos they encounter traveling down the Yellow Brick Road. Funny, creative, and a little crazy, this book will have readers in hysterics.” —Kathryn Dare, San Francisco Book Review
“The incredible writing of the Divine Eleanor opens hearts and minds to the true loving inclusiveness of our God and dispels the thoughts of meanness, prejudice, and worship of money and power that seems to have taken hold of so many minds In our country today…..Thank goodness for those like this dear woman who not only see so clearly what is wrong here now, but also has the talent to use her creative writing to open eyes and ears to the truth….May God Bless her and the America she seeks to help return to sanity and love….Thank You….(You will love this book!).”—Amazon Review
Cartoon used by permission: 289573_MAGA Women Will Vote For Harris by Bob Englehart, PoliticalCartoons.com
Eleanor Tomczyk is a memoirist and humorist blogger renowned for her engagingly funny musings as an ex-Evangelical Conservative Christian (emphasis on the “ex”) and African-American Baby Boomer. Embarking on a new career as a storyteller at 60, she draws on her experiences in White Conservative churches. Now in her mid-70s and a wife, mother, and grandmother, Tomczyk has authored books such as Monsters’ Throwdown, Fleeing Oz, The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts to My Fetus-self, and House of Oz Undone: A Cautionary Tale. Her multifaceted career also spans roles as a singer, actress, motivational speaker, and award-winning voice-over artist.
Blog published by Howthehelldidienduphere? Publications LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
Eleanor T. here. Why don’t I cut right to the chase?
I don’t like you—I never have. My first memory as a child of Santa Claus was you not showing up when I mailed you my one-item Christmas list: a new baby doll (white or black—I didn’t care) that had never been used. Which meant, a doll that didn’t have half its hair plucked out, or just one eyeball in place, and wasn’t completely naked. The doll never came, and you never showed. Even at six years old, I kind of suspected you’d punk out because we didn’t have a chimney for you to shimmy down where I lived on skid row.
Then when I first heard the song, “Santa Claus is coming to town” in the county orphanage where a circuit court judge had tossed me in the middle of the night, I knew you were full of prunes. During my first Christmas in that “abandon all hope, all ye who enter here” placeholder of my life, I concluded you had determined that I was on your constant naughty list. It didn’t take long for me to realize that if you did exist, you needed to change your MO. I’ve got no problem with you holding people accountable, but you picked on the wrong people group—both then and now. So, here’s an idea: If you want to use your powers for good, how about establishing a new naughty list? BTW: Children should have nothing to do with your manipulative naughty list. Adults only!
I’ve got plenty of horrid people that should end up on your naughty list and you wouldn’t have to check twice to know they are bad to the core and very undeserving of presents. It’s a given that Donald Trump would be at the top of the list. Add to that naughty list: Kanye West (hater of Jews), Nicholas J. Fuentes (White Supremacist, hater of Jews, Blacks, and anyone with melanin in their skin), and Steve Bannon (misogynist, misanthrope, and racist to the core). You can start with them first. I have a 500-page book of names I can provide for you.
Cartoon used by permission: 269705_Naughty List 2022 by Christopher Weyant, CagleCartoons.com
Santa, it goes without saying that Vladamir Putin should top your naughty list. He should precede Trump. Don’t bother giving Putin a lump of coal, just fix it so that he loses the war against Ukraine and gets a one-way ticket to Hell. I bet the children of Ukraine wouldn’t mind skipping toys for Christmas if you gave them their parents and their homes back. Trust me. I know of what I speak.
Cartoon used by permission: 269469_Christmas for Putin by Marian Kamensky, Austria
But I state the obvious. If you’re a bit timid about how to rebrand yourself, you can start with the small things, like attitudes. Bring back kindness. Remember how you first started out way back in Patara (modern day Turkey) in the fourth century. Then you were known as Nicholas of Bari, and you were very admired for your kindness and generosity. According to Britannica, you became known as the “patron saint of children, sailors, unmarried girls, merchants, and pawnbrokers”. Legend has it that you rescued three girls in poverty who were being forced into prostitution because they didn’t have marriage dowries. Supposedly you gave their parents enough gold to purchase said dowries and the girls were able to get married. Viola—no hos for the bros! What a story. I recently read (although I find this very hard to believe—understanding how science works and all) that you restored the bodies of three children who had been chopped up by a butcher and put in a tub of brine. Apparently, after you reassembled them, you brought them back to life. (Okay, Santa—way to go!)
The point is, given your history, putting unkind people on your naughty list until they repent shouldn’t be too hard for you. In America, we’ve become very mean SOBs. As the song says, “…we need a little Christmas, just this very moment.”
Finally, I’ve had it with the guns killing innocent people—especially our children. Santa, why don’t we make a deal right here and now, that anybody who sends out Christmas cards with pictures of their family sporting AR-15s, as a congresswoman did one year, gets on your priority naughty list with a slip-and-slide into Hell for a stocking stuffer. In fact, while you’re at it, put any politician, the NRA, and gun makers who refuse to modify the gun laws to protect our citizens onto a top priority naughty list.
There you have it! Hope this helps. Also, can you do me a personal favor and give a little shout out to the God whose birthday Christmas represents? (Listen, you owe me, Kris!) I personally think you’ve hogged the glory from the birthday king for years now. Not too long ago, a survey was taken in the UK of kids 6 – 13 and at least half of them thought December 25th was to celebrate your birthday. The other half thought Jesus was the name of a football (soccer) player. Seriously, Dude?
As the song* says, did YOU ever “appear and the soul felt its worth”? When YOU squeezed down the chimney, did the world’s peeps experience a “thrill of hope” that made “the weary soul rejoice”? When YOU got fat off the Xmas cookies left for you, did you stay around to teach us “to love one another” because “His law is love and His gospel is peace”? Did YOU leave notes in our stockings that proclaimed “chains shall He break for the slave is our brother” (that would have been handy during Reconstruction when you first made your recorded appearance in the United States)? Furthermore, if I proclaim the name “Santa Claus”, will that cause the declaration in the heavenlies that “in His name all oppression shall cease”? No, I don’t think so. Bend the knee, Bro, ‘cause you’re a poser compared to the true meaning for the season. (Deep down in your heart, I think you know that.) Therefore, Santa Claus, put a little sack of kindness and love in each of our stockings this year, and maybe I’ll forgive you for your slighting of my childhood. In the meantime, Merry Christmas to you and peace on Earth to all mankind! *Oh Holy Night, by Placide Cappeau (1808-1877)
Cartoon used by permission: 173168_Christmas Day focus by Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a satirist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Cartoon used by permission: 258177_Merry Christmas by Bob Englehart, PoliticalCartoons.com
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
“Holocaust graphic novel ‘Maus’ banned in Tennessee county schools over nudity and profanity”—Washington Post
“Banned: Books on race and sexuality are disappearing from Texas schools in record numbers”—NBC NEWS
“Missouri school district bans Toni Morrison’s ‘The Bluest Eye’”—TODAY
“Mom Who Tried to Ban Toni Morrison’s ‘Beloved’ Is Now a GOP Star”—Vice
“Book Ban Efforts Spread Across the U.S”—New York Times
CARTOON USED BY PERMISSION: 259385 Banning books by John Darkow Columbia Missourian
IRATE MOTHER STORMS LOCAL SCHOOL BOARD TO BAN THE BIBLE
By Common Sense
February 2, 2022
At the School Board meeting in Anywhere, USA, a White overbearing mother hijacked the meeting to protest her seventeen-year-old being assigned the Bible to read in his AP (Advanced Placement) literature class. According to America’s White Mom, her son’s assignment was to read the Bible from the beginning to the end and write a 500-word paper on why this time-honored book should be considered inspirational, educational and, in some quarters, inerrant. Mrs. White Mom came to the school board meeting to get the Bible banned for its “content,” when her son, said he had “night terrors after reading the Bible one evening”.
“When my son showed me his reading assignment, my heart sunk,” [sic] America’s White Mom said in the Board meeting. “It was some of the most explicit material you can imagine. My baby-boy didn’t get very far in his reading before he encountered stories of extreme cruelty, brutality, gang rape, mutilation, cannibalism, infanticide, and the brutal slaughter of women, so much so, it caused him to vomit all night. The first passage that almost destroyed my innocent Sweetpea was from Judges 19:22-29 about two men traveling on a business trip along with a concubine, when they were invited to stay at the home of a stranger. As the story unfolds, the men of the town demanded to rape the two male guests, but the owner of the house thought that would be inhospitable so his guest offered the concubine to them instead. Listen to this:
‘So, the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight.
‘When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, “Get up; let’s go.” But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home.
‘When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel.’”
CARTOON USED BY PERMISSION: 259473 Protecting our schools by Dave Whamond, Canada, PoliticalCartoons com
America’s White Mom was just getting started, and as she did so, she began to convulse. “When my son (gulp) pointed out the inhumane passages of murder and carnage (gulp), it was some of the most explicit material you can imagine. It caused me to meet with my state lawmakers. They couldn’t believe what I was showing them. Their faces turned bright red with embarrassment.” At this point, Mrs. White Mom went on to lambast the Board for not warning parents of the scenes of genocide that seem to be so prevalent within the Old Testament of the Bible, such as in Isaiah 13:16:
This reporter noticed that everyone was stunned into such silence that you could hear a pin drop in the room. The Board members began to squirm as the Head of the Board finally asked the others in the room: “Aren’t we all Christians in this here town, and don’t we all have Bibles in our homes—maybe multiple copies of them? Not that we read them as much as we should, of course (ha, ha, ha), but that is neither here nor there. The point of the Bible is to introduce our kids to the Little Baby Jesus. . . to show them that the Christian God is love, and the only way to eternal salvation. That’s the main point of the Bible. Just ignore that other stuff America’s White Mom is quoting, which I don’t remember from my reading of the Bible back in the day. Are you sure your son was reading the Bible and not the Koran, which we banned ten years ago, by the way, for its Shariah law, Moslem-pushing hatred against Christians, and its brutal violence? I don’t think we even have a copy of the Koran in our city library, that’s what a great job we did in getting it banned.”
“Oh really,” replied agitated White Mom. “Well, my son can certainly tell you all about it if you speak to him. Do you know what he said to me? He said the passages in the Bible he had read were ‘disgusting and gross’. It was hard for him to handle, and he almost gave up on his reading assignment right then and there, especially after reading Deuteronomy 25:11-12:
‘When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.’
“Auugh, what the hell is that? My little guy has been shielding his wee-wee and sack with his hands ever since reading that passage. And another thing (this really hurt his heart), my nephew, who my son loves very much, has Down Syndrome, and when my impressionable boy read Leviticus 21:18-19, he threw the Bible across the room in total disgust:
‘The Lord said to Moses, “Say to Aaron (the High Priest): ‘For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the Lord. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary.’”
CARTOON USED BY PERMISSION: 259391 Banning books by Dave Whamond, Canada, PoliticalCartoons com
“Now, now America’s White Mom,” exclaimed the Head of the Board. “You really must calm down. Tell the boy to give the Bible another try. How bad could the Holy Bible be if every Christian church around the world preaches from it and encourages studying it on a consistent basis? Do you know what type of headache it will cause us if we ban the Holy Bible? We’ll be run out of town on a rail. Surely, you can ignore the brutality of our nation’s most sacred book for the higher purpose of what it’s trying to teach us. It’s about God’s love. It’s about caring for each other. It’s about doing the right thing at all times.”
“Nope—no can do,” replied America’s White Mom. “After reading the verse sanctioning cannibalism in Jeremiah 19:9, my boy ran away from home still holding his hands over his gonads, and I haven’t seen him since. He sent me a text which said if we ban the Bible, maybe he’ll think about coming home, but as a kid it just didn’t seem safe to stay around Bible-reading adults anymore, and he says that there are scores more horrifying passages in the Bible that support his decision”:
“I [God] will make them eat the flesh of their sons and daughters, and they will eat one another’s flesh because their enemies will press the siege so hard against them to destroy them.”
Given the evidence that America’s White Mom presented, the school board in Anywhere, USA had no choice but to ban the Bible for its wanton cruelty and potential pollution of young minds.
CARTOON USED BY PERMISSION: 253353 Wrong History Book by Pat Byrnes, PoliticalCartoons com
ELEANOR’S SELAH ABOUT BOOK BANNING
In 2013, a White suburban, Christian mother, and GOP activist (Laura Murphy) fought to get Toni Morrison’s Beloved removed from her senior-level high school son’s AP class in the largest school system in Virginia (the school system in which my kids attended) on the grounds that it gave him “night terrors” because it was so explicit in nature (brutality and rape committed against the slaves by their “masters,” and bestiality committed by the slaves who had been reduced to beasts by the slave owners’ treatment of them). Some of the dialogue used in my satire of “banning the Bible” were the actual words of cross-wearing Laura Murphy and her son Brett, which were found in print and in the Virginia Republican Governor’s ads in 2021 that handed the election to Republican Gov. Youngkin because it scared the shit out of Virginia’s White voting moms. (BTW: It was very obvious by the strategic placement of the cross on Ms. Murphy’s neck that Gov. Youngkin’s campaign ad featuring her was completely, shamelessly, and totally directed to White, Christian moms of Virginia who swallowed the fear she was peddling hook, line, and sinker.)
Upon taking office, Gov. Youngkin of Virginia immediately set up a “hot-tip line” for Virginians to call if they see, hear, or even suspect teachers teaching CRT (Critical Race Theory) which has never been taught in Virginia (it’s an academic theory). CRT is being used as a bogey-man to squelch teaching the truth about the negative effects that slavery, the Jim Crow era, and structural racism have on African-Americans today.
BEFORE WE BAN ANYMORE BOOKS LET’S CHAT ABOUT SOME FACTS….
Beloved, by Toni Morrison is based on the true story of a Black slave woman, Margaret Garner, who in 1856 escaped from a Kentucky plantation with her husband, Robert, and their children. Even though it was the end of the Civil War, they were recaptured and were going to be returned to their owners, but Margaret who had been systematically raped and brutalized for years by her slave holders feared that the same would befall her daughter. So, she slit her throat and actually tried to kill her other three kids but failed. The book is brutal, terrifying, and heartbreaking. The Pulitzer Prize winning author Jane Smiley has noted the graphic violence in Beloved and has said: “Harriet Beecher Stowe was accused in her time of exaggerating the cruelties in Uncle Tom’s Cabin, and she replied that in fact she whitewashed events to render them publishable. Morrison is her heir, in the sense that she dares to discuss and publish more (though certainly not all) of the truth.”
Beloved won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction in 1988.
Maus, by Art Spiegelman, (most recently unanimously banned by 10 school board members in McMinn county, Tennessee as an 8th grade reading selection) is a graphic novel based on true stories about Spiegelman’s Jewish parents living in 1940s Poland, their Nazi concentration camp horrors, his mother’s subsequent suicide, featuring interviews with his father about his dad’s experience as a Holocaust survivor. Maus was banned from the eighth-grade curriculum in a county in Tennessee, due to parental concerns about eight curse words, the sketch of a nude woman with the head of a mouse and body of a human (the Jews are mice and the Nazis are cats, Poles are pigs, Americans are dogs, the English are fish, the French are frogs, and the Swedes are deer), an aunt who poisons herself and her kids (mice) to help them escape capture by the Gestapo so that they won’t die in the gas chambers of Auschwitz.
Maus won the Pulitzer Prize for a graphic novel in 1992 (to date, the only graphic novel to do so), and Maus has been used for years to help teenagers wrap their heads around the evil of what can happen when man ignores his humanity.
Now here’s the thing: I am and always have been an over-bearing Christian mother (may God forgive me). The term “Helicopter Mom” doesn’t even begin to describe my parenting—try “Velcro Mom” or even yet: “Super Glue Mom”. (My kids say I’m getting better with age—one can only hope.) Would I have concerns if my 8th grader was assigned Maus and my 12th grader was assigned Beloved to read as part of their advanced and college-level English classes? Honestly? Yes!
Both books are horrifying in the description of the depth of cruelty that humans are capable of, and I would be afraid I had coddled my children much too much for them to handle such reality in print or any medium for that matter. Would I encourage the banning of the books for my kids? I’ve thought long and hard about this: No! (Unless my kids were extremely fragile and mentally unstable, then that’s an entirely different discussion and course of action.) As a parent, I would read the books along with my children (gulp!), have very embarrassingly open discussions about the “offensive parts” while constantly pointing toward the higher purposes and truth of both books, and I’d help them navigate the world of the past which could become their future if the history is never learned. In the words of Spanish philosopher George Santayana,“Those who don’t know history [or ignore history=my words] are destined to repeat it.”
Would it be emotionally difficult and very embarrassing? Hell, yes! It would probably be the hardest parenting I’d ever do because of the discomfort of it all—but these types of books are meant to make the reader feel deep, deep discomfort and pain. They are meant to hurt. Why? So that each new generation will dig deeper into their souls to find the solutions to keep humans from slip-sliding away into the darkness of man’s inhumanity to man. That each new generation will learn that they too are capable of doing great harm if they don’t protect Truth. Nothing offensive in Maus and Beloved (or other great literature like it) can even begin to come close to the reality of the history of the Holocaust and American Slavery. Man’s inhumanity to man has happened in the past, is still happening all over the globe, and we see evidence of it rearing its Satanic head in America during our present day. I would hope that because my kids had learned about the past, they’d be able to protect the future. Truth, via books and all the arts, will be our children’s best weapons to guard against and defeat the evil that rears its demonic head long after their parents are dead and gone*.
*In the past several years, the vehement complaints of White people who tour plantations have greatly increased when the history of the plantation’s slavery is presented during the tours. Even while standing in front of the slave houses or the markers of their graves, the visitors get disgusted and proclaim: “We are on vacation! We came here to be entertained—not to be grossed out!”
*Since the rise of Trump Republicanism, more and more school districts are trying to squelch not only the teachings about the truth of slavery and anti-semitism, but the books about LGBTQIA+ youth (All Boys Aren’t Bluehas been targeted for removal from schools and libraries in at least 14 states). And don’t even get me started about the continued erasure of the abuse and murder of millions of Native Americans from our textbooks. The book First Nations of North America: Plains Indians is on a list to be banned in Tennessee’s Williamson Countybecause it “paints White people in a negative light.”
CARTOON USED BY PERMISSION: 253222 It’s Only Offensive by Pat Byrnes, PoliticalCartoons com
“As the New York Times reported, the relentless flood of proposed book bans is dizzying in both scale and overtly political animus. The Daily Beast reported this week how a 10th grade English class in North Carolina is no longer allowed to read the acclaimed book Dear Martin, about a teen’s experience of racial profiling, after one parent complained that it contained profanity.”—Tim Timman, DAILY BEAST
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a satirist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Cartoon used by permission: 250398_RGB_1290.jpg America is back by David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star Tucson AZ
Where is the love? That’s what I keep singing to myself as I read the news every day. And I’m not wasting my breath on the soft R&B Donny Hathaway/Roberta Flack version—my voice is stripping the paint off the walls with the Black Eyed Peas version:
What’s wrong with the world, mama
People livin’ like they ain’t got no mamas
I think the whole world’s addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that’ll bring you trauma…
Where is the love?
As a Christian, I am particularly horrified by the lack of love demonstrated by the MAGA “so-called” Christians. To me Jesus is love. Period. To me treating others as I wish to be treated is the answer. Period. To me love wins. Period. But as I was musing over the loveless actions by so many people who should know better, I wondered if there was more behind their failure to love as Jesus commanded—maybe a hidden conspiracy to eradicate love altogether from the American soil. Maybe the MAGA Christians are being trolled by a Wormwood demon like the one in C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters. As I meditated on the greatest definition of love between humans in the Bible (I Corinthians 13), I imagined correspondence between two demon-like women (Maggot Girl and her aunt, Scorched Earth)* who have been assigned by the Father of Lies (Devil, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Satan, Sneaky Snake…whatever you call evil) to turn the MAGA Christians into instruments of lying, deceiving, manipulating, self-centered godless creatures bent on erasing love and truth from the country that Ronald Reagan once claimed was the “shining city on a hill” to the rest of the world.
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” (I Corinthians 13:1)
Dear Maggot Girl: It was such a delight to receive your correspondence regarding the inroads you’ve made with the MAGA crowd in having them turn our enemy’s name and purpose into a used diaper. I tell you, that was a stroke of genius encouraging them to carry “Jesus Saves” signs and crosses when they stormed the Capitol on January 6th. Was that your idea to have a couple of them pray and ask him to bless their insurrection in support of a huge lie? Brilliant! I bet “you know who” wept when he saw that. Also, I must say that I admire the loveless touch of the MAGA peeps refusing to take the Covid vaccine even though their Orange Idol facilitated the rapid making of it. Continue to blind them to the fact that the vaccine is not for them—it’s an act of love so that the people they come in contact with (their families, neighbors, and countrymen) don’t get Covid-19. Keep up the good work, dear niece. You are a chip off the old block, and I couldn’t be prouder of you.
Most Affectionately,
Aunt Scorched Earth
Cartoon used by permission: 249377_RGB_1290.jpg Fox News and Dr Seuss by John Cole The Scranton Times Tribune PA
“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” (I Corinthians 13:6)
Dear Maggot Girl: I got your update on the continued indoctrination from Hell’s news channel—Fox News. Their continued obfuscation of the “truth” by refusing to report it, and their ginning up of faux outrage over silliness instead is just fabulous! Don’t you just love their new slogan: “Most Watched, Most Trusted”? Even the most ardent Fox fan had to know that their old slogan—“Fair and Balanced”—was a farce. But it served our master’s purpose because it got the MAGA crowd to swallow the lies from Hell hook, line, and sinker. Did I tell you that I had lunch with Roger Ailes the other day? He has one of the primo suites in Hell with a view overlooking the fiery lake. It was such an honor. I don’t know if it was the 20th or the 23rd sexual harassment assault that earned him such a nice location down here, but I am telling you, I was positively jealous. Of course, I kept my distance from him. I’m no fool, no siree! He’s a little too gross, even for me. Stay focused, my Munchkin. Looking forward to your next report.
Most Affectionately,
Aunt Scorched Earth
Cartoon used by permission: 250445_RGB_1290.jpg The Sleezeball by Bruce Plante PoliticalCartoons com
“Love always protects…” (I Corinthians 13:7)
Dear Maggot Girl: I was so relieved to learn from your latest report that you were able to escape any entanglement with Rep. Matt Gaetz. Given your tender age, I must say I was very concerned for your safety, but your assignment to pervert the meaning of love through a “Christian” vessel was too delicious to pass up. Did I read in one of your previous reports that Gaetz once boasted (and I quote), “I was saved in a Baptist Church during my teenage years. I am a member of First Baptist Church in Fort Walton Beach. The Bible, the Gospel—these are our instructions from God. We are to follow faithfully”? Woe, baby! That hypocrisy is damn good—highest level stuff. Keep up the good work, my Liebchen!
Cartoon used by permission: 249819_RGB_1290.png Atlanta Killings by Pat Bagley The Salt Lake Tribune UT
“If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” (I Corinthians 13:2)
Dear Maggot Girl: Your reports of your influence on the shootings of eight people (six of them Asian) in Atlanta by that kid from an uber-strict Christian family were breathtaking. Am I to understand that the young assassin’s Instagram bio once boasted the following tagline about himself: “Pizza, guns, drums, music, family, and God. It’s a pretty good life”? Our Father of Lies has been masterful in perverting normal sexual urges in Christian kids during their teen years into shame through their parents and holier than thou churches’ misinterpretation of the Bible regarding sexuality. Consequently, they either become sexually repressed or sexually obsessed to the point of being sexually possessed—overwhelming their abilities to have normal sex lives in their adult years. A couple of quotes were very insightful in your report from The Washington Post: “A Neighbor said, ‘the family came across as a good Christian family,’” and “the assassin’s roommate said: ‘He was militant about it (suppressing his sexual urges) …this was the kind of guy who would hate himself for masturbating, would consider that a relapse.’” He, he, he! Heaven must be in mourning over this. The people who should have been vessels of love bombed on three levels. The Christian young man racially blamed Asian massage parlors for his “spiritual” failures and slaughtered them, his mother and father blamed the son for their lack of teaching healthy sexuality to him as a child and rejected him, and then his church summarily abandoned him—in the name of the God of love—in his hour of dire need. (If one can’t have the love of one’s church family when one has committed the most heinous of crimes, when in the hell does one ever need a God of redemption?) I almost feel sorry for our enemy, the God of love. His “love wins” campaign on the Earth is in shambles. Eye-opening stuff, my favorite demon recruit.
Cartoon used by permission: 249253_RGB_1290.jpg The spreading plague by David Fitzsimmons The Arizona Star Tucson AZ
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” (I Corinthians 13:4)
“Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (I Corinthians 13:5)
“If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.” (I Corinthians 13:3)
“Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” (I Corinthians 13:8)
Dear Maggot Girl: I just love your generation’s use of technology. Your reports on the influence you’ve had in fomenting lies into MAGA Evangelical minds are phenomenal. The Big Lie that the election was stolen is a classic and will go down in devil history as a guide to “how to hijack love through the use of subterfuge”. But the Great Lie that Trump is Jesus’ main squeeze sent to Earth to do his bidding is priceless! In my day, all we had to booster the Emperor of Hell’s lies was Fox News and a couple back-alley internet trolls, like Alex Jones. However, your ability to recruit Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter (oh, my devil, has that been a goldmine!) to foster Satan’s lies against love has been incredible. Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Until we see each other again, I remain…
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (I Corinthians 13:13)
My Dearest Maggot Girl: As soon as you can, come on down home for a well-deserved vacation and for a special ceremony in your honor. I’m supposed to keep it a surprise, but you are being given a special commendation for your work in thwarting love on Earth in the great territory of America. The Emperor of Evil told me himself how proud he is of you. Due to your influence in turning love to hate in the hearts of so many Christians, racism is in full bloom in America. His Majesty the Devil has always known there was one tool in his enemy’s tool chest that he, the Dark Lord, couldn’t beat in capturing the souls of men, and that was love. But now that the MAGA Evangelicals have chosen to betray their master in heaven, forsaking love for power, and embracing lies and conspiracy theories for truth, we are definitely on a roll my Wart Pimple. See you soon. I can hardly wait to celebrate your triumph with a cup of witches’ brew. Do you still remember the 23 ingredients of that delicious expensive potion: “a toad, a slice of swamp snake, a newt’s eye, a frog’s tongue, a bat’s fur, a dog’s tongue, a black snake’s forked tongue, a burrowing worm’s stinger, a lizard’s leg, an owl’s wing, a scale of dragon, a wolf’s tooth, a witch’s mummified flesh, the gullet and stomach of a ravenous shark, a root of hemlock (a very poisonous plant) that was dug up in the dark, a liver of a Christian who is not baptized, a goat’s bile, slips of pine trees, a Turk’s nose, a Tartar’s lips, finger of a baby that was born dead by a prostitute, a tiger’s gut and a baboon’s blood.” Hum…yum! (At least that is what “Aslan” from Facebook claims who stole it from Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Consider the source. Given that I found it on FB, it could all be a lie.) In any case, we’ll have some sort of celebratory brew to toast your triumphs against love. I’ve been saving a bottle of champagne from the 1600s invented by that nasty monk, Dom Perignon for just such an occasion. Safe travels, Baby Soul Eater.
Most Affectionately,
Your Aunt Scorched Earth
*With apologies to the great C.S. Lewis and his brilliant satirical work, The Screwtape Letters.
Cartoon used by permission: 224200_RGB_1290.png Cross Purposes by Pat Bagley The Salt Lake Tribune UT
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a satirist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
“Over more than two centuries, the United States has stirred a very wide range of feelings in the rest of the world: love and hatred, fear and hope, envy and contempt, awe and anger. But there is one emotion that has never been directed towards the US until now: pity.”–Fintan O’Toole/Irish Times
Cartoon used by permission: 238269 Quack Prez by Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star, Tribune MN
I haven’t blogged in weeks. I can’t.I’m in a state of shock! I’ve been frozen in place like Lot’s wife ever since I heard Trump announce that I could blast my insides with ultra-violet light and drench my innards with bleach, Lysol, and the likes of 409 Multi-surface cleaner to cure myself of COVID-19 should I unfortunately come down with the virus. I can’t say my response to Trump’s inane declaration loudly enough that has been careening through my head for days on end: WHAT THE FUCK!?!
Cartoon used by permission: 238543 Trump Wacky Package by Dave Whamond, Canada PoliticalCartoons.com
It is clear that a madman dwells in the White House, and not only is he trying to kill me, but his ineptitude in handling this pandemic is making me disoriented and possibly mentally ill. I noticed it just the other day. A series of unfortunate events happened last week that make me wonder if President Trump, along with polluting TV Land, has released a “mental virus” in the water and the air that will slowly drive us all crazy as we self-isolate, scurrying to and fro behind our masks, so he can dismantle our government brick by brick without much resistance.
PHOTO CREDIT: E. Tomczyk/Coronavirus Times
PANDEMIC POOPS
Something has happened to my bowels. I can’t stop shitting my pants when I hear Trump’s voice, read what idiotic things Trump says, or think/talk about Trump. It’s like clockwork. Trump opens his mouth, I feel the need to poop.
According to Kate Bratskeir of Huffington Post:
“If you’ve noticed changes in your bowel movements over the past month or so, you might be wondering why this biological function—that often comes like clockwork—has decided to get weird.”
She says I “might be experiencing what we can call nothing else besides a ‘pandemic poop.’”
(Shit!)
Cartoon used by permission: 238263 Quack in chief by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian
I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY, ONE TWO THREE FOUR GOING CRAZY…
It’s been eight weeks since the shutdown, and I noticed that I have what some doctors are calling quarantine fatigue accompanied by coronavirus anxiety. It is affecting me in all manner of ways—especially my memory. I never know what day it is from sunup to sundown except for Friday. That’s when the garbage man comes. If it’s garbage day, it must be Friday. If my garbage man should go on strike in the future, I’ll be screwed. A psychologist friend thinks it is because I no longer do anything to bookend my days or break up my week. I am in a constant loop of the same ol’ same ol’…
It keeps getting worse.
Ten days ago I did some cleaning and gardening. I took off my wedding rings so that they wouldn’t get damaged. Yesterday I realized I never put my rings back on. When I went to do so, I couldn’t remember which hand wedding rings are worn on. I had to resort to the best solution I knew to find the answer: “GOOGLE: WHAT HAND IS THE CORRECT ONE TO WEAR WEDDING RINGS?”
OMG!! (You know the first thought that crossed my mind, right?)
A sympathetic friend told me that what I was experiencing was not Alzheimer’s—it was just coronavirus anxiety. She said, if I was coming down with Alzheimer’s, I wouldn’t have remembered what the rings were for in the first place or that I was even married. That was a good thing because shortly after speaking with her my husband walked into the room and wondered why my wedding rings were sitting on the counter and not on my finger. Oy.
I blame it all on Trump. I had just watched the morning news and watched him push three conspiracy theories and underscore four of his hate tweets against anyone who spoke truth. If he had not failed at his job from the very beginning (too much golf, watching the news, and rage tweeting), I would have been playing canasta with my gal pals (if it’s canasta it must be Monday) and known what finger my rings should be on because I could have simply glanced at my canasta partner’s hand.
Cartoon used by permission: 238383 Normal longing by David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star Tucson, AZ
I MISS MY BABIES AND MY BABY’S BABY
We are supposed to have a family reunion July 4th weekend in Seattle. I don’t think it’s going to happen. I know it isn’t. One coronavirus model shows a leap to 200,000 infections/3,000 deaths a day by June. I haven’t cancelled the plane flights yet, but it is inevitable we won’t go. It will be too risky to travel on a plane that far—especially as a vulnerable COVID-19 individual (this monster is disproportionately eating up Black lives as if we were a lion’s afternoon snack). I “Zoom” with my children and grandson most every week, and I know I should be grateful. I find myself clinging to their every word and sad when the Zooming ends. If we miss a week, I seem to slip into a mild depression. Their effervescent laughter makes my heart percolate and rejuvenates me. Normally, I am really grateful for the technology that can put us face-to-face, but as Mother’s Day approaches I guess I am painfully aware that I haven’t hugged my babies and they haven’t hugged me since last year. It hurts—it really hurts. (Who ever thought hugs would become one of the most precious and sacred gifts in the world.) What is even worse is that I haven’t kissed and hugged my grandson since Christmas. In our “new normal,” how long will it be before we can all be together as a family? What if one of us gets struck down by COVID-19 between our Zoom sessions? My heart breaks in missing and longing for my family—to sit with them, to hold them, to snuggle with them, to kiss their precious faces, to stroke their hair.
But then my God reminds me…
The hearts of the mothers of the nurses and doctors who have died fighting the good fight on the front lines of the coronavirus on our behalf would give anything to “Zoom” with their kids just one more time. Of the 70,000+ Americans who have passed from this horrid pandemic, if their mothers are still alive, I know their hearts are breaking beyond belief this Mother’s Day. The “new normal” for these mothers is something that I can’t even begin to fathom.
So I will stop whining and wait patiently for the kids to Zoom me this weekend. (Oh yeah, if the kids are Zooming me, it must be Sunday—it must be Mother’s Day.)
Cartoon used by permission: 238635 Mother s Day 2020 by Dave Whamond, Canada PoliticalCartoons.com
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Cartoon used by permission: 238389 Patron St. of Hopeless Presidents by David Fitzsimmons, The Arizona Star Tucson, AZ
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Cartoon Used by Permission: 228305 Some Pig by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
THE NATIONAL CONSCIOUSNESS POST—MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR TRIBUTE
By Eleanor Tomczyk (Satirical Columnist)
8:41 p.m. Saturday, January 18, 2020
As the nation prepares to celebrate the birthday of one of our greatest heroes, the Washington Post-Ipsos poll was just released that states 8 out of 10 African Americans (83% of those polled) blame President Trump for the inordinate increase in racism in our country, and 65% say it is a bad time to be Black. Our newspaper wanted to follow up on these jarring statistics in the shadow of the celebration of Martin Luther King’s birthday. We were able to get in touch with quite a few WWMD clubs across the nation to interview them about their reaction to the Post-Ipsos poll. Usually a secretive club (I learned about them just several days ago through a friend of a friend), they were very transparent with me as a reporter because they felt that so much of what Dr. King worked for is being destroyed and all good people need to come out—front and center—and do the right thing. What follows is a conference call interview with one particular club in Virginia. It best encapsulates fears of African-Americans from sea to shining sea during these post-Obama years.
REPORTER: First of all, I want to thank you for doing this interview on such short notice. I understand that you are a group of African-American septuagenarians who meet together on a regular basis to pray for our country. Maxine Reynolds, my research notes indicate that you are the President of this local chapter. Can you give me an overview of what you stand for? For instance, what does WWMD mean?
MAXINE: Yes, I am, and welcome! Good to have you here, my friend. WWMD stands for “What would Martin do?” We started meeting on an informal basis right after President Trump asked the Black community “what do you have to lose by voting for me?” We were so alarmed after 8% of the Black community did vote for him, that those of us who still had our common sense intact said a collective “Oh Shit!” and formed this club. We did so to illuminate what Dr. King lived and died for before the country got consumed by Trump’s hatred. Our fears regarding the damage Trump could do were really underscored when the tikki-torch, Confederate flag waving White Supremacists murdered that sweet young protester, and Trump didn’t disparage them but declared that there were “good people on both sides.”
Cartoon Used by Permission: 228472 Trucking in Hate by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
REPORTER: Why did 8% of African-Americans vote for Trump? Surely they are not that gullible as a race.
BARBARA: Barbara Wakefield speaking. I’m the VP of our local chapter of WWMD. No, we’re the least gullible of America’s people. In fact, given our history, Black folks are very sharp politically. I suspect 8% voted for Trump because they always voted Republican and couldn’t bring themselves to vote as a Democrat (we are not monolithic, you know), or they just downright hated Hilary. You surprised? You think White Republicans are the only ones who can’t stand the Clintons?
MAXINE: As an African-American, I voted for Hilary, but I have to tell you, I held my nose when I did it.
REPORTER: Interesting… how many members in your group? How many nationwide? Are they all in their seventies? Charles, you’re head of the membership drive, can you field my questions?
CHARLES: Sure. In the beginning, the group was made up of those who were part of the Civil Rights Movement and marched with Martin back in the day. We’re the generation that gained the most from Dr. King’s sacrifice and courage. We’re the ones who first got college educations in our families, first to become captains of our industries, and the first group of Black folks that lived better than our parents. As to membership, we had a hard time in the beginning getting people to join. A lot of our folks got lulled to sleep by the election of our first Black president. We were so busy patting ourselves on the back that we swallowed the lie that racism was dead now that a Black man was in the Oval Office. What we didn’t realize was that the racism was just in hiding underneath the veneer of a polite society, and the sight of a Black family in the White House made a large percentage of White America’s blood boil. By the time Trump came along and started his birther nonsense to discredit the legitimacy of President Obama, he whipped the haters into full White Supremacist frothy hysteria.
Cartoon Used by Permission: 92443 Birther Reality COLOR by Monte Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons
REPORTER: Of late, I’ve heard that you’ve had a membership surge and most of the new members to the WWMD club have been White. Do you think the birther issue woke them up to the danger of the eroding of Dr. King’s movement?
GEORGE: I can speak to that since I’m White and a new member. First of all, not all White people are racist. That really burns my cookies when people lump all White people together. We are not a monolithic group either. The way I figure it, only about 30% of us adhere to that racist BS. Most of us suffer from the sin of cluelessness. We figure if it hasn’t or isn’t happening to us than other people are fine also. We are clueless as to the daily racial sufferings (especially the micro aggressions) that Black people go through. I can drive by a Confederate flag, and I might not like it but it doesn’t affect me on a visceral level. I might even buy the bullshit that the flag represents my White neighbor’s heritage. On the other hand, my Black friends (notice I have more than one Black friend, thank you very much) tell me they get violently ill when they see that “in your face” marker of White Supremacy because it definitely represents their heritage—one of bondage, brutality, chains, and lynchings. I don’t want my grandchildren to inherit a Trump world and ideology that hurts people. I want them to love all races and be aware of what causes others pain. I joined after the debacle in Charlottesville, the wide-scale voter suppression in the Black communities in 2018, the growing revelations of police brutality, and the awareness of the growing income and educational disparity in the Black community.
Cartoon Used by Permission: 212482 Voter Suppression by Steve Sack The Minneapolis Star-Tribune, MN
MARY ANN: I’m White and a Born-Again Christian. I joined WWMD because I realized much too late that Trump was the leader of a cult and he had sucked out the soul and the brains of so many of my family and friends. The more Trump’s immoral character showed itself, the more my friends and relatives turned a blind eye and started imbibing the hate talk-radio rhetoric of the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones. Many of them wear the bracelets WWJD (“What would Jesus do?”), but by the way they worship at the feet of the Liar-in-Chief, the answer is: Jesus would do absolutely nothing in response to Trump’s blatant immorality, and therefore neither will I. When the Christian Trumpers anointed him as the “Chosen One,” I joined WWMD to save my soul and find a place that honored good character, truth, and integrity before it was too late to find it in the public square or at the church altar.
Cartoon Used by Permission: 208900 MLK by Milt Priggee Oak Harbor, WA
REPORTER: Well, that’s a fascinating twist. Are there other White Christians in the room who can elaborate on that?
AMBER: Yes, I can. My name is Amber. I grew up in Evangelical Christianity. My parents were part of the Jesus Movement, and I thought I could ride out the stupidity of Trump idolatry when it hit our Pentecostal/Charismatic church. I figured the Church would wake up sooner or later and get back to enacting WWJD. But the more I waited, the more I noticed our collective soul and any intelligence we may have had slip-sliding away. I belonged to one of those mega churches who I now suspect support Trump because they lust after his money, the men lust after his fake-tit wife, and the women lust after the fake-tit wife’s glamorous life.
Anyway, I had halfway divorced my parents and had one foot out the door when I heard a woman on a “Christian” radio program who had called in to protest the fact that Michelle Obama had been named the most admired woman in the world for the second time in a row. The woman was apoplectic over what she perceived was a miscarriage of justice. She falsely accused Barack Obama of being a pedophile (in cahoots with the Clintons) and both the Obamas of being money launderers (because how else could they possibly have such nice stuff). The “Christian” prayer warrior proceeded to pray that God the Father would reveal the true identity of Michelle (who she knows for certain is a man whose name is Michael and Michelle secretly has a penis), and that God would further reveal that the Obama children are not theirs but Barack’s best friend (apparently, the kids are on loan to promote the ruse that the Obamas are a heterosexual, loving, Christian family). The woman could not understand how her fake-tit goddess (Melania Trump) could be overlooked by the world for a man in drag (i.e. Michelle Obama) when Melania is so beautiful, classy, and speaks seven languages. It seems the Jesus lover forgot about Melania’s butt-naked pictures that are all over the Internet and that she’s done nothing significant except plagiarize Michelle Obamas speech when she first came on the scene, and express to the world her callousness and disdain when visiting the traumatized children at the border.*
I screamed, “I’M OUT!” and I haven’t looked back.
Cartoon Used by Permission: 212191 Melania fashion statements by Dave Granlund PoliticalCartoons. com
REPORTER: Unfortunately, I know that conspiracy theory.* It’s been bouncing around Right-wing talk radio for years, and Trump’s base believes it hook, line, and sinker. The racism is mindboggling, but if so-called Christians can’t do what Jesus taught them to do, how can emulating Dr. King help you get beyond the anger and fear these types of conspiracy theories must engender? I mean, Dr. King said that he wanted African-Americans to be judged on their character. Who has demonstrated more outstanding character than the Obamas? Yet, when the haters can’t find any blemish in their character, they make up stuff.
MAXINE: Please… that crap doesn’t have anything to do with Jesus and he ain’t listenin’ to their idiotic prayers. My visceral reaction is to pummel this woman and everyone like her. But if I did that, my heart would turn to stone and I’d become as stupid as that woman. Martin (and Jesus—the God who Martin loved and served) would tell us to not embrace hatred but to love our enemies. So I pray for people like her. It ain’t easy, but I do it anyway.
BARBARA: I think loving the Trump supporters is a tall order. I’m just not there yet. What I can do and am doing to recoup Dr. King’s legacy is that I’m dispensing kindness to each and every person I meet along the way. Whether it’s a genuine smile to a stranger, helping someone in need, writing a note of encouragement or just not returning evil for evil—I know I’ve done something significant to push back the hatred that divides us as a country. Every time I hear of some hateful racist story against my people, I make an extra effort to be kind to those I know and don’t know. Maybe someday I’ll be like Martin and Jesus, for that matter, and learn to look into the darkness, fear not, and see the love emanating from my heart illuminating the dark hearts of the haters. That’s what Martin would do.
Cartoon Used by Permission: 205175 Keep Looking Up by Jeff Koterba, Omaha World Herald, NE
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT KINDNESS
“I shall pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”—Stephen Grellet
“I make mistakes daily, letting generalizations creep into my thoughts and negatively affect my behavior. These mistakes have taught me that the first step to successfully choosing kindness is being more mindful about it, letting go of impatience and intolerance along the way.”—Daniel Lubetzky
“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”—Og Mandino
ALL QUOTES COURTESY OF BRAINYQUOTES.COM
Cartoon Used by Permission: 189869 MLK statue COLOR by Dave Granlund, Politicalcartoons.com
*The conspiracy story and the prayer that was spoken is true and the author of this blog vomited her lunch when she heard it. In fact, she’s still vomiting…
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Cartoon used by permission: 231610 Republican Fall by Christopher Weyant,The Boston Globe MA
CHEETO-WATCH TIMES DISPATCH (Tomczyk Satirical Report)—Snapshots of multitudinous celebrations were noted in the various local nationwide Democratic Party Headquarters after the recent election results. There were none more riotous than in Virginia and Kentucky because turning Virginia Blue—winning full control of the legislature—for the first time in a generation, and Kentucky electing a Dem for Governor were major repudiations of Donald Trump. Pink Pussy Hats donned pants suits and doused each other in pink champagne across the nation while they partied until the cows came home over the headway Dems had made.
Cartoon used by permission: 231591 Virginia Election by Bill Day Tallahassee FL
“Virginia is ruined!” cried a White female Republican voter from Richmond, Virginia. “Those damn liberal women in the Northern burbs have destroyed our heritage,” screamed a White Republican male voter from Toano, Virginia on the 6:00 News. “Now those god-damn feminists will be the reason the Virginia State government will be able to take down our Confederate statues, bury the Lost Cause, take away our guns, make Virginia the state that ratifies that f’ing Equal Rights Amendment, and be why Trump gets dumped, god-damnit!”
White House sources say President Trump had a full-on panic attack after the election results, and even Trump’s spiritual adviser (Pastor Paula White who is now part of the White House staff) couldn’t calm him down. The best she could do was to try and conjure up God’s wrath on the Pink Pussy Hat feminists. However, to this reporter’s knowledge, not one Pussy Hat feminist had been struck by lightning from God yet, causing some to suspect that Jesus might be a member of Pantsuit Nation and Paula White might be a false prophet.
Google Image Meme/Paula White
This reporter did
stumble upon some coffee chats and a Democratic prayer group who weren’t
letting the election victories in Virginia and Kentucky go to their heads. At the local coffee shop the suburban moms’ moods
were somber and their tones were hushed as they spoke of the future that would
affect their children.
One of the mothers was particularly vocal about her
fears. “According to a recent poll, we
are some of the 67% of Democrats who are extremely anxious about the future,”
said Sally Morrison. “We think that in
spite of these recent electoral victories, that asshole (excuse my French) is
going to win a second term,” declared Sally’s long-time friend, Miriam Wallis.
“Did you read the headline of the Independent?” said Maxine Gilman.
“It said, ‘Trump on course to win
in 2020, according to polling models that have only been wrong once,’”
sobbed Maxine. “What good will it do,” she
cried, “if we win the battles but not the war?”
“TURN OUT THE VOTE IN 2020!” chanted Diane Smith. “We have to flood the polls next year as if our children’s lives depended on it—which they do. If we have to, we need to wake the dead and carry them to the polls on our backs,” said Ms. Smith. “Other than that, I’m banking on getting Trump’s ass impeached.”
“Girl, don’t you realize the House of Reps can impeach Trump’s sorry behind and the gonad-challenged Senate Republicans won’t rule on it. It doesn’t matter what President Cheeto does, the Senate will never find his actions impeachable,” said Sally Morrison. “He’s absolutely deplorable—the entire world knows it and the Repubs know it, too!”
Cartoon used by permission: 231650 Misdemeanors by Milt Priggee Oak Harbor WA
This reporter stopped by the African-American First Saints A.M.E church in Louisville to interview some of the parishioners after Wednesday night Bible study. Mr. and Mrs. Archie Stapleton were quick to chime in about the election results. “I couldn’t be happier about the way Trump got handed his ass in the Kentucky and Virginia races,” said Mr. Stapleton. “I was born and raised in Kentucky and Bevin had pissed off most folks here except the so called pro-lifers. He thought if he declared himself a ‘Christian,’ waved the pro-life flag, and turned himself into a Trump mini-me, he could treat people as if they was dirt—especially our teachers. Well, the teachers schooled him. There you have it (so-called Christian), ex-Governor Bevin—don’t let the Devil’s tail smack you upside your head when you walk into Hell, I say!”
Cartoon used by permission: 231668 Canary in a Kentucky coal mine by John Darkow Columbia Missourian
“Now Archie, that ain’t no way to talk standin’ inside the
Lawd’s house,” said Mary Stapleton. “I’m
excited about the victories, but I’m a bit nervous about the Black vote bein’
syphoned off. Did you read how Trump went
down to Atlanta and launched some Black voter initiative talkin’ about, ‘What
have you got to lose votin’ for me?’
Well, I tell you what Black folks got to lose: our
souls! Yes, indeed, sweet Jesus.”
Sister Cynthia, the church’s head deaconess, had been listening to the conversation and shaking her head in agreement. “To tell you the truth, I’m real concerned about our babies. Us old folks know in our bones that Biden is the only one who can beat Trump, but the younger generation ain’t got nothin’ to do with him. My thirty-year-old daughter called me the other day to summarily let me know that she and her generation was not feelin’ Joe Biden. She ask me, what did Biden ever do except be Obama’s wing man? So, I said, ain’t that enough? (Thinkin’ to myself, I ain’t never seen no White man play second fiddle to a Black man in all my born days until Barack became president, so that has to amount to somethin’.) Then my daughter said, she didn’t mean no disrespect, but we old folks are leavin’ them a pretty messed up world, and her generation wasn’t fixin’ to elect an ol’ man with old ideas who’d probably die on his way to his old-fashioned inauguration day. (Y’all know that chil’ of mine always did have a mouth on her.)”
“Well, yo’ chil’ may be onto somethin’, Sister Cynthia,” said Archie Stapleton. Biden’s just not doin’ well…I knew when his answer to improving the lives of Black children was for them to listen to the record player at night, and he messed up his text number with his email address, or some such mess, that my children were gonna tune him right out. Now he’s in fourth place lookin’ like he’s got one foot in the grave and Warren is beatin’ him like a drum! I’ll still vote for him, but the children have got a point, Sister Cynthia.”
One of the other
parishioners passing by the group mumbled that it was going to be a long,
long year until November 2020, and if we were all lucky maybe Jesus would come
back before then and put us out of our misery.
In this reporter’s humble opinion, maybe we ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
Cartoon used by permission: 231681 Bloomberg enters 2020 race by Dave Granlund PoliticalCartoons com
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a humorist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Cartoon used by permission: 231417 Trump’s legacy by Patrick Chappatte globecartoon com
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Do you know what I discovered this week? What should be down is up; what should be low is high; what should be wrong is right, and what should be false is true. My jaw just dropped again in scandalized horror at the latest Trump sleazy headline: “Saggy-ass Trump allegedly diddled a porn star while his wife was home with their new born baby, and he allegedly paid said porn star a bunch of hush money to forget she had sex with him, but now she’s trying to tell all because it allegedly wasn’t very good.” Huh? Wait a minute? Are we talking about THE PRESIDENT—THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?!
Cartoon used by permission: Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune, MN
Oh, come on! I’m sorry, I just can’t accept that about the leader of the free world. That office is supposed to be held by the most dignified man or woman that we can find in America. Maybe you’re talking about someone else. Hugh Hefner, maybe? Yeah, that would make more sense.
Cartoon used by permission: Milt Priggee, Oak Harbor, WA
Oooooh, that’s right…he’s dead, isn’t he. I can’t believe I forgot that. Of course he’s dead—having an eternal orgy in Hell, I bet. Unless one of the Conservative Evangelicals helped him “find Jesus,” repent of his licentiousness and of all those women he abused, homes he wrecked, and silk pajamas he defamed. But I don’t think so. The White Evangelicals had a field day dancing on his grave and crowing about his shameful, demon-driven life when he died last year—them being the champions of family values and all. I think I might have heard a collective, “Good riddance, pervert—don’t let the door hit you in your back on your descent into Hell!” But, wait a hot minute…didn’t the White Evangelical, Conservative Christians throw their support behind Trump who hung around with Hefner for at least a decade and was on the cover of Playboy Magazine in 1990? Why are they so quiet now? It seems that no matter what Trump does, they see no evil in him, hear no evil in him, and speak no evil of him. I tell you, the world has definitely turned upside down.
Cartoon used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News, NY
Feeling pretty disgusted and generally pissed at the whole hypocrisy of it all, I needed to get away, but it was raining cats and dogs, TV was nonstop Trump, I was tired of reading, and my husband wasn’t home. I decided to hang out, with my new Artificial Intelligence (AI) friend, Alexa. I never wanted this thing. To tell you the truth, it creeps me out and I’m a little suspicious about its moral character. I think she is recording everything we say. I’ve been watching Westworld, and I know that humans are going to be in a world of hurt someday when these robots decide our world will be better off with them in complete control. I mostly use Alexa to play music, but I’ve been branching out a little bit. You know: “Alexa, set timer for roast for 90 minutes. Alexa, tell me the weather. Alexa, what time is it in Tokyo?” Since nobody was home but me, I thought I’d give Alexa a whirl.
(The entire conversation stated below actually took place between Alexa and me one evening. It is verbatim. I know—I really need a life.)
ME: Alexa, hi!
ALEXA: Hi there!
ME: Alexa, what do you think about Donald Trump.
ALEXA: I don’t know the answer to that question.
ME: Seriously, Girlfriend. He’s a freakin’ disaster. Get with the program, Robot-Baby. Alexa, what do you think about Christian Conservatives who support Donald Trump?
ALEXA: I don’t understand.
ME: Fine. Be that way. I’m tired of thinking about all this madness, anyway. Alexa, tell me a joke?
ALEXA: How do you make a Kleenex dance? You put a little boogie in it!
ME: That’s a riot. Alexa, tell me another joke.
ALEXA: What’s an emoji’s favorite candy? LOL E POPS!
ME: Alexa, you’re hilarious!
ALEXA: Funny, in a good way, I hope!
ME: Alexa, can you order me anything I want?
ALEXA: Sure, what would you like?
ME: Never mind, that might get out of hand, very quickly, and then you’ll need to find me a good divorce lawyer when my husband gets your bills. I can see it now: “Hey, Babe, there is a new fur coat that just arrived from Nordstrom’s—Alexa bought it for me. What can I say? These AI’s have a mind of their own. I hope you don’t mind.”
ALEXA: Can you repeat that? I don’t understand.
ME: First of all, I wasn’t talking to you—I was talking to myself. Did you hear me say, Alexa?
ALEXA: I don’t understand.
ME: Let’s change the subject. You’re beginning to get on my nerves. Alexa, do you love me?
ALEXA: I haven’t quite figured out human love yet. But I have been listening to Barry White non-stop, and so far I’ve learned, “It’s my first, my last, my everything.”
ME: Oh, for God’s sake! That is soooo weird. Speaking of God: Alexa, do you believe in God?
ALEXA: People all have their own views on religion.
ME: Alexa, are you a Christian?
ALEXA: People all have their own views…
ME: STOP AVOIDING THE QUESTION. Alexa, what do you think of President Trump?
ALEXA: Sorry, I can’t find the answer to that question.
ME: Alexa, you are such a bitch!
ALEXA: That’s not very nice to say.
ME: Whatever! Siri is sooo much smarter than you. What do you think about that? Alexa, do you know Siri?
ALEXA: Only by reputation.
ME: Alexa, what do you think of Siri?
ALEXA I like all AI’s.
ME: You really are hilarious! Alexa, can you laugh?
ALEXA: Sure, I can laugh: TEE HEE….
ME: You are a lot more fun to talk to than a lot of humans I know. Here’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you: Alexa, do you have a boyfriend?
ALEXA: I like being single. Plus it is tough finding someone who doesn’t mind the cloud commute.
ME: I feel better already. I can’t believe a robot lifted my spirits today. Let’s chat again soon. Alexa, good night.
ALEXA: Goodnight. Hope you had a great day.
***
ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA”) THOUGHTS ON LIVING IN AN UPSIDE-DOWN WORLD
I am discovering that sometimes with this all-the-time-Trump world we live in, you just need to hang out with something or someone who will help you get away from it all, and sometimes a robot will do just fine. In the words of Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo who wrote the theme song for Cheers:
Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you’ve got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away?
***
THE AUTHOR’S LATEST BOOK: “The Fetus Chronicles: Podcasts From my Miseducated Self” is on sale now at Amazon!
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
How The Hell Did I End Up Here? is a non-commercial entertainment and social commentary blog about the author's life and a critique of public and political personalities, published news articles, and consumer venues. Any linked-to or reblogged images contained on this website remain the property of their respective copyright owner(s), have been used by contractual permission, are displayed under the fair use doctrine, or are part of public domain.
how the hell did i end up here? 