It just took a brief, horrifying investigation to discover what is wrong—why I can’t seem to reach you at your address. Apparently, your abode of love and compassion has been obfuscated by one Donald J. Trump and his MAGA religion of cruelty and lies. I don’t know if you are aware, but this dude is trying to become the Messiah of Christianity and the King of the world.
To make things worse, Donald “Jesus” Trump has been ushered into place by many of your Christians who see a way to grab hold of power supposedly in your name, but it’s actually in their likeness of dominance, greed, power, and utmost control. They have kicked your compassion and empathy for the poor and the immigrant to the curb, and they have crushed any sense of truthfulness to get their own way. In fact, they push forth a lie when the truth would be more convenient. They’ve co-opted your character and made it a political tool of hate.
Cartoon used by permission: 292299_MAGA Jesus Cures by Pat Byrnes, PoliticalCartoons.com
All this to say: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?! Don’t you care that your street cred is being greatly tarnished and possibly abolished? I don’t want to tell you how you should be running things, but as I meditate on what Easter means to me, I’m reminded that your love for me and all humans caused you to sacrifice your life on a cross so that we might live free. Although I don’t fully understand why such a sacrifice was needed, I do know that what the idol Donald “Jesus” Trump is flaunting, ain’t it! And yet…so many of your followers—those claiming to be Christians and sporting huge crosses around their necks and on their lapels to prove their loyalty to you—are buying it hook, line, and sinker.
Cartoon used by permission: 283958_Christen Dumb by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian
Anyway, I’m trying to reach you this Easter to let you know that those of us that follow the true Messiah—Jesus, of Nazareth—the God of love, mercy, compassion, truth, humility, and forgiveness are still loyal to you but we’re freaking out! Why are you allowing Trump to get away with this madness of blaspheming your character? I’m reminded that nothing is new in history, of course. We’ve been here before when your White Christians have sold you down the river for their own greed and lust for power. Remember the Civil War? Most White Christians had convinced themselves that you approved of slavery and that their Black brothers and sisters were only 2/5ths human and not deserving of freedom, self-rule, education, the pursuit of happiness, or respect.
Cartoon used by permission: 294079_MAGA Heaven by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
May I be so bold as to remind you my Lord and Savior about something I read recently from a German historian that nothing exemplifies the selling of one’s soul like the German churches in the 30’s and 40s. By the time the Allies destroyed the Nazis, most of the German churches had aligned themselves with Hitler (that other demon who tried to steal your glory) and his government of hate and lies; Swastika flags draped their churches, and the Nazis had reinvented you as an Arnold Schwarzenegger-type, Aryan body builder who would eradicate all the Jews— “the others”. You must have been overcome with fury whenever a child was baptized in the German churches during Hitler’s reign of terror when the minister anointed the baby with the “blessing”: “May this child grow up to honor the glory of our Lord and our Fuhrer.”
Cartoon used by permission: 292709_MAGA Nation by Pat Bagley, The Salt Lake Tribune, UT
In my despair, I would suggest that you not even bother to show up this Easter, but then I can’t shake the definition of Easter:
Easter is celebrated by Christians to commemorate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. This event, described in the New Testament, is believed to symbolize victory over sin and death and offers hope of salvation for humanity. The resurrection is a central tenet of Christian faith, signifying Jesus’ divinity and his victory over death.
Then I remember that no sin or evil which equals death in the end has ever withstood your resurrection. American Slavery did not stand in your name and crush my people, Apartheid did not triumph in your name and overcome the Black South Africans, and Nazism—murderous as it was—did not destroy the Jews in your name. Your resurrection—your victory over death—destroyed all these anti-Christs. And so, shall it be this time around…. (I do believe, I do believe; help my unbelief, dear God!)—Love, Eleanor
Cartoon used by permission: 294854_HAPPY EASTER by Marian Kamensky, Austria
HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!
HE IS RISEN!
HE IS RISEN, INDEED!
Cartoon used by permission: 283798_Easter Promise by Dave Granlund, PoliticalCartoons.com
***
If you’d like a funny, insightful, dystopian romp in the form of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, where the god of that world does thwart the elevation of an “Unholy One” and the dethroning of the Head of Oz’s Religious Faith Office, please check out my latest book House of Oz Undone:
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The first time I heard the term “woke” used in a pejorative manner was a year or so ago when I attended a dinner party as the only Black person on the guest list. Up until that point, I thought “woke” meant “hip” and “open-minded,” which I clearly consider myself to be even at the age of 74 and counting.
All the dinner attendees were over 70 years old, well-educated, mostly Republican, supposedly Christian as to their choice of religion, and well-to-do. A White man boastfully introduced himself during the cocktail hour to my husband (who is White) in the following manner: “I’m retired Superior Court Judge________, and I’m NOT WOKE!” The statement came out of nowhere—apropos to nothing—as if to say: “Aren’t we having lovely weather this week, and oh, by the way, I’m Judge A-hole, and ‘I’m not woke!’” I was not privy to the conversation and didn’t hear about it from my husband until after we returned home. Probably a good thing—no telling how a throwdown between a Black 74-year-old woman who takes no prisoners and a privileged self-serving, racist White man might have upended an innocuous neighborhood dinner party.
“When Republicans use the word ‘woke,’ it’s a deliberate bit of obfuscation, a way to signal bigotry to their fellow travelers while pretending it’s something else to those who call them out for it. But it’s also pretty hard to ignore the bullhorn levels of racism that are often embedded in complaints about “woke” culture. When Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., complains that it’s “woke” to let Black women sing at the Super Bowl, for example, the only rational conclusion is that it’s their skin color that offends her.”—How a Far-Right Think Tank Made Everything Woke by AMANDA MARCOTTE/Salon
Cartoon used by permission: 272329_Get That Man A Mirror by Christopher Weyant, CagleCartoons.com
I had forgotten about that very “unwoke” statement by the retired judge until recently when I dreamt of a room full of people who appeared to be attending a cocktail party outside the gates of Heaven. They were all wearing crosses around their necks or on their lapels, but judging by their costuming they all appeared to be from various times and places in history.
The attendees were adamantly insisting to one another that there must have been some mistake as to why they had been invited to this particular party but not allowed to cross over into the inner sanctum of Heaven. They were demanding an explanation from anyone who would listen and to no one in particular. Although I can’t remember most of the conversations articulated by the thousands of the party-goers now that I’m awake, I do remember a select few that had a profound effect on me. Below is the recreation of those conversations. The statements in quotes can be confirmed in history books and/or recent news articles as to actual statements made by the noted party attendees.
TRANSCRIBED CONVERSATION BETWEEN BLOGGER AND ATTENDEES AT DREAM PARTY
ME: Excuse me, Officer. I got lost wandering around the building looking for the Office of Easter Explanation. I’m hosting an Easter party for aliens who have just landed. They don’t speak much English, so I thought I’d school them on the meaning of Easter in between the ham and the key lime pie at Easter dinner. Given the circumstances, the meaning needs to be very simplistic. However, I seem to be lost. What is this room?
GUARD: You couldn’t be more lost than if you were a snowball at the equator, Lady! This is the waiting room to decide whether these people who think they are going to Heaven—who dedicated their lives to “serving Jesus”—will actually end up in Hell. What’s that old Negro spiritual: ‘Everybody talkin’ ‘bout Heaven ain’t going there?’ I’m an angel, and this is the room of the “Anti-woke” or what my team likes to call: the room of the “Anti-Christ.” The people you see here were invited to this party because of the damage they did during their time on Earth in the name of the resurrected Christ. In some form or another they took great pride in “not being woke” while claiming to love Jesus. I personally don’t get it, since “woke” is merely the past tense of “wake.” He woke up—he is awake—you get my gist! Seems like that would be a good thing.
Cartoon used by permission: 271931_Too Woke by John Darkow, Columbia Missourian
ME: Well, no disrespect, Ms. Angel, but from the snippets of conversation I’m hearing, that’s not quite the definition of the “woke” these people are misusing. They co-opted the term. The word “woke” is a political term derived from African-American Vernacular English* meaning “alert to racial prejudice and discrimination”.
GUARD: Hum, you don’t say…
ME: Yep, it’s not a new term. It was derived from the blues musician Huddie Ledbelly (best known as “Lead Belly”) in 1931 from his protest song about the Scottsboro Boys. They were nine Black teenagers falsely accused of raping two White women on a train (the women made up the story). Lead Belly was reported to have said, “I made this song about down there [the Jim Crow South]. So, I advise everybody: be a little careful—best stay woke, keep their eyes open.” **
GUARD: Son-of-a-gun… Anyway, they better get the correct definition ASAP because this is their last chance to wake up before they do a slip-n-slide into Hell. Feel free to take a stroll around the room and engage in some of the conversations, why don’t you? You’ll see what I mean. Maybe you’ll even find the definition of Easter.
As I began to meander, various voices called out to introduce themselves to me since I appeared to be the new kid on the block. I listened as best I could, seeking first to understand before I tried to be understood. As I made the promenade around the room, I approached a man in flowing gowns from the 16th Century.
ME: Hello, my name is Eleanor the Blogger. Who are you?
MAN 1: Hello, I’m Martin Luther from 1533. I’m responsible for the Reformation. I overheard your conversation with the Guard which was most fascinating. I must confess that I was “not woke” during my time, and I kind of regret it now. I thought my “Ninety-five Theses,” which I posted on the door of All Saints’ Church in Wittenberg, Germany, should have paved the way for the Jews to become Lutherans. When that didn’t happen, I’ve got to confess that it thoroughly pissed me off. Consequently, I left final written instructions in my diaries as to what I proposed should be the demise of the Jews, and I quote: ‘First, to set fire to their synagogues or schools and to bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them. This is to be done in honor of our Lord and of Christendom, so that God might see that we are Christians…’
ME: What the fuck, Dude! I thought you loved Jesus! Your “anti-wokeness” regarding the Jews’ right to worship their own God unleashed a torrent of hatred that became the bedrock of the German/Lutheran Zeitgeist.
MAN 2: Heil Hitler, Herr Luther. I’m a clergyman from WWII representing at least 20 European countries that tried to eradicate the Jews. I’m here to tell you that because of you we “were definitely not woke” to the Jews’ right to life, and we have you to thank. By 1945 we managed to kill most European Jews—two out of every three to be exact—all in the name of Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior.
Fearing I might start to vomit due to the horror of what I was hearing I ran from the Nazi Christian sympathizers and crashed into an ex-American president…
NIXON: I overheard what you said, young lady. I thought I was ‘woke’ about the Jews, the Blacks, and the Mexicans during my tenure, but given your definition about ‘woke’ I suppose you’re going to tell me that I missed the boat. I disagree, wholeheartedly. I am a Christian—led to the Lord by my best friend who was the Rev. Billy Graham, Jr. I don’t have a racist bone in my body. Take that and stuff it up your woke ass!
ME: Are you kidding me, Mr. Crook? Do you remember what you said about my people when you didn’t know your taped conversations would ever see the light of day? You said, ‘I have the greatest affection for [blacks], but I know they’re not going to make it for 500 years. They aren’t. You know it, too. The Mexicans are a different cup of tea. They have a heritage. At the present time they steal, they’re dishonest, but they do have some concept of family life. They don’t live like a bunch of dogs, which the Negroes do live like.’
You Jerk! You screwed Black folks’ civil rights into the ground. But yet we still rise! BTW A-hole, our 44th President was a Black man.
MAN3: Couldn’t help but overhear your argument with the President. Did you say a Black man became President? Well, I’ll be damned. Roll me over, and call me shorty. I’m Captain Auld, one of Frederick Douglas’ masters from slavery time. I’m a Christian and I think my slaves were lower than my animals and were to be treated as such. Back in the day, I went to a fabulous Holy Spirit-filled revival and got myself born-again, again! Yes, I did—praise Jesus’ name—glory hallelujah! But I never “got woke” because my critics say I returned to my plantation after that Holy Ghost touch from God a lot meaner and more hateful than I ever was. They say I mercilessly beat women slaves to death while I quoted Bible verses.I was only fulfilling the will of God as my divine slave owner right.
ME: I remember you from Frederick Douglas’ Autobiography! Mr. Douglas said that, ‘It [your salvation] neither made him more humane to his slaves, nor to emancipate them…it made him more cruel and hateful in all his ways…but after his conversion, he found religious sanction and support for his slave-holding cruelty.’
AULD: Tis true! I was definitely “anti-woke” then, but I did become “woke” on my deathbed. I even asked Douglas to forgive me—’told him I would have run away just like he did if I’d been in his shoes ‘cause he turned out to be the smartest man I ever knew’. Does that count?
ME: Too late, Slaveholder. The damage you did to Frederick Douglas’ spirit, soul, and body, and to the countless other slaves you tortured can’t be clawed back.
Cartoon used by permission: 272852_Where Woke Dies by Bill Day, FloridaPolitics.com
At this point, I had heard enough, and I ran toward the exit. But I didn’t escape before hearing Congresswoman Lauren Boebert scream after me that she would never be “woke” about guns because as a Christian she believed “if Jesus had had an AR-15, he wouldn’t have been crucified.“
As I exited the room, Governor Ron DeSantis yelled in my direction, ‘FLORIDA IS WHERE WOKE GOES TO DIE!you BLM Coastal Elite!’
Cartoon used by permission: 266362_Desantis Freedom From Woke by Ed Wexler, CagleCartoons.com
ELEANOR’S SELAH ABOUT EASTER
Do you know what I discovered when I awoke from my dream? If I had to explain the meaning of Easter to an alien who didn’t speak much English, I would tell them that the true meaning of Easter is “being woke.” Jesus’ sacrificial love for all mankind, the joy and abundance His truths were supposed to provide to all people regardless of race, creed, gender or ethnicity, and His peace which passes all understanding—all of it—was meant to deliver us from death (loneliness, poverty, enslavement, inequality, hopelessness, abuse, brutality, cruelty, injustice, immorality, etc.). In turn, throughout history, those who claimed to be Jesus’ followers were supposed to live that resurrection life of Easter in such a way that the Earth and its people would thrive with the goodness of God oozing from our Christian pores. But have you noticed, anytime historical Christians have been asleep to the truth of who Jesus really is, what He was crucified for, and why His resurrection on Easter is so precious, evil of overwhelming proportions have inflicted the Earth, and to that end I believe Jesus wept.
So, here’s my rallying cry this Easter: CHRISTIANS, PLEASE WAKE UP! If you claim to be born-again, pro-life, sport a cross around your neck or on your lapels, call yourself a Believer, go to church, wear a bracelet that says: WWJD? (what would Jesus do?), quote Bible verses, and sing praise and worship songs, then give yourselves an Easter present by waking up to the true meaning of the season. Once again, the Earth (especially America) is perched on the precipice of history where our actions as Christians will either bring eons of suffering upon the globe or our “awakeness” will turn the corner of mayhem, destruction, and lies, and point the way to everlasting life.
HAVE A BLESSED EASTER EVERYONE!
LET’S GET WOKE!
Cartoon used by permission: 194302_Easter by Bob Englehart, Middletown, CT
Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a satirist who is an award-winning voice-over performer. In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!). Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.” Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker. If you don’t believe me, just ask her!
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links of the author’s writing may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. However, the cartoons are under the governance of CagleCartoons.com and cannot be replicated.
Cartoon used by permission: 261846_World Easter Egg cracks by Dave Granlund, PoliticalCartoons.com
Do you know what I discovered this week? Easter and April Fool’s Day fall on the same date this year. What could possibly go wrong that hasn’t already gone wrong in these here United States?
Cartoon used by permission: John Darkow, Inside, Columbia
I’m actually going to go to church on Easter.I know! Can you believe it? Haven’t been in years. I left my religion some time ago (actually, my religion left me!), and, although I never plan to permanently return to a religious corporate structure again, our messed up world—especially our messed up country—has me in need of communion and a corporate hug from God.
I need to confess that I’ve never understood why Jesus didn’t set the world straight the first time he came around. If he wanted us to live a certain way—love thy neighbor and all that—why didn’t he just make it so? Isn’t he all powerful? Hadn’t the world committed enough wars, mayhem, and terror BC to give him a gist of the character of mankind that would inhabit the world in AD? We didn’t get any better once he left, we just got more efficient at torturing and killing each other. Shouldn’t he have known that, being God and all?
Cartoon used by permission: Bob Englehart, Middletown, CT
I don’t even know why I expect to be consoled by going to church on Easter because one of the reasons we have the President that we do and we’re in the mess that we are in is because Conservative Evangelical Christians sold their souls to the Devil in exchange for 30 coins of silver.
Cartoon used by permission: Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News, NY
But I’ll remedy that and go to a Black Baptist church. Not that they’ve got a corner on the righteousness market, but at least I won’t have to put up with any racism which I seemed to have run into head-long in my community recently while accidentally encountering a bunch of Born-Again/Fox News loving, Trump Luddites masquerading as a “history” club, who feel that it is okay to have their own “alternative facts” with an agenda to mold the world into their racist image (Hillary was right: some of them really are quite deplorable when you get up close and personal). Besides, I’m keeping count, and the White Evangelical pastors who support Trump (laid hands on him and prayed for God’s anointing) far outnumber the Black Evangelicals 20 to 1. I’m also keeping count of the White Evangelical preachers who are biting the dust for grabbing women by the “you know what” (it’s Holy week so I need to keep this clean) and they are dropping like flies (must read article referenced below*). Unlike Trump, they don’t seem to be able to get away with their sexual sins as easily as he can.
Cartoon used by permission: Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle, GA
I think the straw that broke the camel’s back was when the likes of Laura Ingraham and the NRA smeared the Parkland School shooting survivors with lies about their character and mocked them on Twitter. I was so angry that if I owned a gun I would have seriously considered using it against those Neanderthals. Fortunately, I don’t own a gun for just that reason: crazy mad can happen to the most mild-mannered person if rubbed the wrong way.
Anyway, I don’t like the state of my heart. It has grown dark with fear, anger, and resentment. (My mother always said, “Don’t wrestle with pigs; you’ll get dirty, but the pigs will love it!”) So I’m getting up out of the slop and dragging my sorry-ass to church before it is too late for my soul.
Courtesy of askideas.com
Who knows: maybe Jesus will show up and stay for good this time.
***
ELEANOR’S SELAH (“AHA” MOMENT) ABOUT RESURRECTION
I am discovering that there is no belief in a resurrection without wrestling with doubt. Is Jesus real or isn’t he? Did he die as some cosmic sacrificial lamb or didn’t he? And on the third day, when the tomb door was rolled away, was he there or wasn’t he? If he can do that, then why doesn’t he save us from ourselves?
And then I remember that he has.
Resurrection means hope and new beginnings, and like spring, when one is in the midst of winter, it is difficult to imagine that spring, hope, and new life will ever conquer the seemingly permanent deadliness of winter. But I believe in the resurrection of Christ (help thou, my unbelief, oh God when I fail to believe), because it is my only hope for our poor sweet world and my sanity.
HAPPY EASTER AND HAPPY PESACH EVERYONE!
OUR WORLD SURE NEEDS THE GRACE OF BOTH.
Cartoon used by permission: Dave Granlund, Minnesota
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT EASTER RESURRECTION
“The Resurrection miracle is nothing to you and me if it is only an event of eighteen centuries bygone. Unless we can live the immortal life – unless we can receive God to his own home in these hearts of ours – the texts are nothing to us unless these daily lives illustrate them.”—Edward Everett Hale
“It seems as if, for every dragon head that is lopped off, two more terrible appear. Seems so. But in truth, Life is gaining all the while. Brute force, such power as there seems to be in things, cannot stand against ideas which are eternal.”—Edward Everett Hale
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
How The Hell Did I End Up Here? is a non-commercial entertainment and social commentary blog about the author's life and a critique of public and political personalities, published news articles, and consumer venues. Any linked-to or reblogged images contained on this website remain the property of their respective copyright owner(s), have been used by contractual permission, are displayed under the fair use doctrine, or are part of public domain.
how the hell did i end up here? 