“Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite” has always been a pithy expression, uttered by parents as a humorous aside before their kids are tucked up for the night. For me and my partner, it has become a genuine concern. You see these tiny, invasive, blood sucking vampires that we so affectionately joke about, feeding on the flesh of our slumbering bodies, have decided to occupy our residence. Of course being the discreet guests that they are, we had no idea about their sudden infiltration, though there had been some warning signs. Most obvious of which was my partner’s sudden skin irritation. Tiny spots had begun developing all over her back, causing serious irritation and pain. Considering the similarities of other sufferers, we both assumed that it was merely a result of eczema. A skin condition that often seems to develop during the brief period of hot weather. Coupled with the fact that I myself exhibited no similar signs, we continued under that assumption. That was until last Saturday night.

With my partner and daughter deciding to have a sleepover at nannies, I took the rare opportunity to revel in the vacancy of an empty bed. Reading and relaxing in total comfort, without having to worry about conserving my only limited space on “our” bed. Anyway, I was just finishing a chapter of Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park, when I noticed an almost imperceptible bug crawling across my arm. I instinctively flicked the little hitchhiker from my person, and noticed a patch of blood streaking across my forearm. It was only when I inspected the bed a little closer that I noticed a small platoon of these bed vampires, and understood the severity of the situation. Stripping the sheet off I noticed blotches of dried blood clinging to the surface of the mattress protector. I heaved the mattress off and observed a few more of these covert intruders scurrying around on the divan. Further inspection of the blackboard confirmed not just the presence of these intruders, but seemingly an active community! Marshaling a disgust into something resembling affirmative action I began the arduous process of eviction. Tense and agitated, I disassembled the headboard which was now teething with activity. Heaving the bed, mattress, pillows, duvet and even the rugs outside. Anything where there was even the slightest chance that they’d embedded themselves in. I emerged into the muggy midnight air like some sleep deprived hermit, suffering from some kind of psychological breakdown. Scattering the broken fragments that minutes before were integral bedroom accessories.

If I could have burnt the house to the ground with a guided missile of acidic embers, I would have. To me it feels like a violation. A betrayal by guests we never invited. A cost that isn’t just financial, but time consuming. To adequately purge these microscopic vermin from our humble abode, necessitates the removal of most furnishings, with the obvious exception of the more cumbersome furniture like sofas and wardrobes, which need to remain in the room so that they can be gassed along with the carpet. This infestation has halted our lives beyond all recognition. We can’t begin to organise this mess for at least a week, and had solid confirmation that these intruders have been eradicated So as a word of caution to those who have been patient enough to read through to this point: be vigilant! Don’t ignore or dismiss what may be the worst devastation that could affect a home!

DEATH TO BED BUGS!