Bed Bugs

The fight continues to eradicate the invasion of the bug interlopers in my home. The scourge of the skirting board and clandestine infiltrators of the sofa and beds. Many subsequent bombardments of noxious pesticides have been dispersed to deal with the bed bug menace, halting our lives with their relentless presence. “Would you like to know more?”. Well I did. Since the discovery of these carnivorous lunar pests, I have developed a keen insight in the removal and preventative measures associated with our unwelcome tenants. I am now so well versed in the intricacies of bed bugs extermination, that I could likely go into business myself. And let me tell you the mere suggestion of becoming a professional exterminator, specifically bed bug eradication is a tempting career alternative. I have however become so perceptive of any potential bug hiding place, it’s become almost instinctive.

Due to my evening working hours, I arrive home during their prime migratory time. So it’s become a ritual to scope out the areas in and around the bed for any twilight movement. It’s evident from their blatant bum sewage strewn across the surfaces of the wall or bed frame, where they have been. I check the inconspicuous alcoves that conceal their blood filled bodies. Many of which have been sealed behind a torrent of caulk. And though there has been a significant reduction in the amount of visible evidence, their absence isn’t completely assured. Though any bugs unfortunate enough to attract my gaze, suffer the full fury of both my finger and thumb. As I squish them into little stains of claret. It is worth noting however that the smell emitted from their crushed carcasses, a kind of musty secretion, has now become synonymous with these nocturnal terrorists.

During the day’s when I’m not contemplating incinerating my home or take off and blasting the place from orbit (as it is the only way to be sure), I’m filling in any gaps or crevices with sealant. Blasting surfaces with my steamer, applying a light dusting of diatomaceous powder that causes them to dry up and die from dehydration. Or spraying areas of concern with essential oils such as peppermint, tea tree or lavender. I have performed extensive research on their weaknesses, strengths, lifespan, preferred ambient temperatures and environment. I’ve even read up on their reproductive cycles. With the rule of thumb being that if they can’t feed, they can’t breed. So we are at a stage now where all we can really do, short of a full scale nuclear attack, is be hyper vigilant. But considering the cost of 5 treatments, the inconvenience of having to displace our entire wardrobe outside, tossing out beds, sofas as well as tearing up the carpet in 4 rooms, I’m prepared to do anything it takes. Even if I have to go full Johnny Rico!

“Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite” has always been a pithy expression, uttered by parents as a humorous aside before their kids are tucked up for the night. For me and my partner, it has become a genuine concern. You see these tiny, invasive, blood sucking vampires that we so affectionately joke about, feeding on the flesh of our slumbering bodies, have decided to occupy our residence. Of course being the discreet guests that they are, we had no idea about their sudden infiltration, though there had been some warning signs. Most obvious of which was my partner’s sudden skin irritation. Tiny spots had begun developing all over her back, causing serious irritation and pain. Considering the similarities of other sufferers, we both assumed that it was merely a result of eczema. A skin condition that often seems to develop during the brief period of hot weather. Coupled with the fact that I myself exhibited no similar signs, we continued under that assumption. That was until last Saturday night.

With my partner and daughter deciding to have a sleepover at nannies, I took the rare opportunity to revel in the vacancy of an empty bed. Reading and relaxing in total comfort, without having to worry about conserving my only limited space on “our” bed. Anyway, I was just finishing a chapter of Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park, when I noticed an almost imperceptible bug crawling across my arm. I instinctively flicked the little hitchhiker from my person, and noticed a patch of blood streaking across my forearm. It was only when I inspected the bed a little closer that I noticed a small platoon of these bed vampires, and understood the severity of the situation. Stripping the sheet off I noticed blotches of dried blood clinging to the surface of the mattress protector. I heaved the mattress off and observed a few more of these covert intruders scurrying around on the divan. Further inspection of the blackboard confirmed not just the presence of these intruders, but seemingly an active community! Marshaling a disgust into something resembling affirmative action I began the arduous process of eviction. Tense and agitated, I disassembled the headboard which was now teething with activity. Heaving the bed, mattress, pillows, duvet and even the rugs outside. Anything where there was even the slightest chance that they’d embedded themselves in. I emerged into the muggy midnight air like some sleep deprived hermit, suffering from some kind of psychological breakdown. Scattering the broken fragments that minutes before were integral bedroom accessories.

If I could have burnt the house to the ground with a guided missile of acidic embers, I would have. To me it feels like a violation. A betrayal by guests we never invited. A cost that isn’t just financial, but time consuming. To adequately purge these microscopic vermin from our humble abode, necessitates the removal of most furnishings, with the obvious exception of the more cumbersome furniture like sofas and wardrobes, which need to remain in the room so that they can be gassed along with the carpet. This infestation has halted our lives beyond all recognition. We can’t begin to organise this mess for at least a week, and had solid confirmation that these intruders have been eradicated So as a word of caution to those who have been patient enough to read through to this point: be vigilant! Don’t ignore or dismiss what may be the worst devastation that could affect a home!

DEATH TO BED BUGS!