My first trip outside the US was to the Philippines at a young age to visit my family there. It was really the first time I really got a different perspective. I was surprised at how much I didn't know about the world. The way of life felt cozier and everyone in the town knew each other. I was envious of the giant malls and access to Dragon Ball Z, which hadn't officially come out in the US yet and wouldn't for many years. I brought some pogs with me to play with, which were the trending toy in the US at the time, but the friends I made over there couldn't get into it. Instead, they showed me how they played with marbles instead. I remember jumping onto the back of a jeepney and holding on for dear life because it was full of passengers. I remember the dusty roads and trash filled streets, the slums in the distance that I never saw up-close. I remember the hot humid summer air outside contrasting starkly with the cold air-conditioned chill whenever I walked into a mall or store. I remember the reassuring presence of my grandfather and grandmother during my trip.
Memories like that remind me how big and magical the world felt when I was younger.
The world feels smaller and less magical now, but I still do feel a sense of wonder whenever I travel. But whenever I travel now, it's a bit different from that first experience I had when I visited the Philippines. As a kid, I didn't have to worry about anything. I miss that, I guess. The carefree endless summers.
I'm pretty fed up with the state of American media. Pretty much anything and everything becomes political and split down party lines. You can't trust anything from the government because it's vastly biased towards Trump's propaganda, and the left news outlets consistently put out their own biases. It's so tiring to have to sort out all the noise to reach a reasonable conclusion. Everyone I know only wants to hear what validates their own viewpoint. It sucks. I hate it so much. I can't reliably talk to anyone and have a reasonable discussion because it's either one view or the other. There's no nuance. If I talked to anyone on either side, it would be hard to get them to see the other side at all, or even consider a conclusion other than their own.
But let it all burn, I suppose. Turning off all news for today. Let it all burn again tomorrow.
Recently a famous youtuber passed away named Adam the Woo. It's interesting, because it was covered by the mainstream television outlets which normally don't cover youtubers. When I think about it, it's amazing how youtubers have been ingrained into our lives. It feels like we know them since we watch their videos and their content, and sort of experience what they're experiencing. For myself, I've been following different people and animals, and I've experienced that sense of loss when they suddenly pass away, or when someone stops posting videos suddenly. Even before the rise of Youtube, I used to follow blogs, and I remember people would just stop updating one day and never return. It's very strange, this connection we feel with people who don't have anything to do with us but are still in our lives somehow. I guess it's a testament of our humanity, or at least one aspect of it. I don't think that's a bad thing to have.
One of my best friends from New York got engaged today, and I'm really happy for her. The relationship moved fast, but it seemed to work for her, and the guy seems good. Again, it feels bittersweet. My friends move on to another chapter in their lives and I feel like we'll drift a little further away.
I've been thinking about things way more than I usually want to think about things lately. Ever since my aunt got diagnosed with cancer, I've been forced to confront my own fears of losing people I love and of being stuck where I am in life. I feel alone and scared at times. For now, all I can do is be here for my aunt.
I think about my own mortality now too. Where do I want to end up in my final days? What will I have lived for? Will I be happy where I am? Do I want to make some grand exit, or quietly pass away into the night? What do I want to accomplish before I die? These questions come frequently now. I wonder what my aunt thinks about these things, but I don't need to ask. I know she's proud of her life and everything she's done.
But I've come to realize that I don't know what I want for my own life. I've lived my life to prioritize my family. Once they're gone, what will my priority be then? What is it that I want?
I don't have to answer it now.
When I was a kid, I used to imagine a world where all the countries worked together. I got an internship at the UN because I believed in this ideal. Now everything feels so far away from that.
Again, the news serves as a backdrop to my life. The Nepal protests, the prime ministers from different countries resigning, and of course all the craziness going on in America. In front of all this, my aunt has cancer, and I'm confronted with the possibility that I might lose her.
Why did our world get worse? We have all these things that should improve our lives, but our collective happiest days (as a millennial) were right before the dominance of social media. The term "enshitification" comes to mind. Everything sort of just got worse.
A lot of times, everything feels like a big giant wave that just pushes me along. I have no control over the people who govern our lives, nor do I have control over societal needs and pressures. Those forces brought us here, where we're more divided and lonelier, and more tribalistic.
Getting older kinda sucks.
Back in 2014, OkCupid released this blog post about a data study they did that found Asian men and Black women were the least preferred in the dating app pool. It was painful to read, but it echoed my own experience with dating apps. It would be weeks, and I'd get maybe 4 likes, 3 of them from bots, and one from another country. And I thought to myself... "Is something wrong with me?" I did everything that was suggested. Put smiling pictures, put yourself in with a group of people, show yourself doing something adventurous. I started reading what other girls preferred, and it dawned on me how superficial the whole thing was. "Must be at least 5'10, must have a 6 figure job, must have a dog." After giving it a chance for a few months, I got fed up, stuck my middle finger at the whole scene, and walked away without looking back.
I soured over the whole finding romance thing. I focused on finding friends instead, and I was much happier that way. With friends, there weren't any major check boxes I had to fit into. It was just "Yo, are you hungry? There's free food at this event."
But beneath it all, I still think about that OkCupid study. Asian men are the least preferred in dating apps in comparison to males of other races. It still hurts that this is the truth.
I think about it now because it's one of the first times I felt betrayed by society because of my race. I wonder, would I have been happier if I had not read about that study?
Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in everything. Everything seems so emotionally charged, everything is being manipulated by the algorithm, meant to validate your thoughts and feelings, meant to incite your rage, meant to keep you engaged forever in some sort of endless spiral. Attention itself is a market commodity.
We live in unusual times. Mankind evolved slowly and gradually in the past, but the last few decades were a big leap forward. I don't think we're meant to live this fast. Or at least, we're not used to it. A lot of us are burnt out in many ways. Which makes a lot of us more vulnerable, and that's sort of dangerous. It leads to people being more manipulatable.
I feel like we need to be more open to dissent. Not the lazy or malicious kind, but the kind that allows ideas to flourish. And we need to go beyond the surface level and dig until our reasoning falls apart at the seams, so we can recreate it and have a stronger and more nuanced viewpoint.
But I don't know. I'm sure every age felt some sort of despair like I do about the current era. It almost seems tiresome to say that we live in unusual times, when each time is indeed unusual. I guess it's more appropriate to say that we have very unique problems that were never as present as they are now.
"And ache — the shared vulnerability of existence —
is what binds humans to each other beneath words."
Did I mention I hate how blatantly political life in America has become now? It feels like everyone is talking over each other.
I spent a lot of time thinking about how all this craziness started, but Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" always rang in my head. These problems were always burning somewhere, somehow. It just became incredibly amplified over the past few years.
I can't have a normal conversation with many people these days without sensing some kind of trigger they have. "Oh, Palestine and Israel? You're stupid for supporting that side. The side I'm supporting is the righteous side. I'm right on this, you're wrong." Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but there's no room for nuance anymore in this political climate. Everyone thinks they're the 100% good guy, and the other side is the 100% bad guy. Such childish perceptions honestly. I didn't think adults could be like this, but here we are.
I don't really have a point to this post. Just sadness and anger at the way things are.
One of my friends went back to visit China after being gone for 10 years. She was able to see her grandmother who was 95 years old. Just today, my friend's grandmother passed away. A few weeks ago, she was sending me pictures of them together, smiling and walking around. I didn't know the grandmother, but I could tell my friend's love for her was strong. To know that my friend and her family had to go through this so suddenly, it's heartbreaking. Death feels too heavy and sobering. All these daily concerns feel so trivial in the face of such a boundless force. I knew there were no words that could help. But I still said them hoping it could ease some of the pain. "I'm here if you need me."
No response since from her since then. I didn't expect one. I'm sure the family is busy now preparing for the funeral.
And now I'm up at 3 AM, really feeling the heaviness of life, stunned by the contemporary nature of it all.
I have to wake up in 4 hours, go to the office, and write up a report which I don't really feel like doing. But maybe there's a blessing in that sort of monotony. Someday, my life may be completely different. I may not always have my family or friends in my life. I should try to enjoy these moments when I can.
I've had this sick feeling in my stomach since Trump took office. Watching him handle policy and international diplomacy with the same recklessness he handles his business makes me feel uneasy. Watching every day as the US burns away its good will and soft power in the international community and enforcing chaotic policies in America that dismantle the daily lives of many.
Musk is out there posting national spending money online in the guise of transparency, but there's a reason some of these things are kept under wraps. Bad actors can easily decipher data and figure out how much capability the US has. Trump dismantling major government agencies just because they have DEI in them. And more...
And my mind hurts thinking about all this. I mean I saw the end of Roe v Wade when Trump piled the Supreme court with conservative judges during his first term, but with everything happening now, it's harder for me to predict what could happen in the future.
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