Second Flight

Old Memories

2026-02-09T15:40:30Z

My first trip outside the US was to the Philippines at a young age to visit my family there. It was really the first time I really got a different perspective. I was surprised at how much I didn't know about the world. The way of life felt cozier and everyone in the town knew each other. I was envious of the giant malls and access to Dragon Ball Z, which hadn't officially come out in the US yet and wouldn't for many years. I brought some pogs with me to play with, which were the trending toy in the US at the time, but the friends I made over there couldn't get into it. Instead, they showed me how they played with marbles instead. I remember jumping onto the back of a jeepney and holding on for dear life because it was full of passengers. I remember the dusty roads and trash filled streets, the slums in the distance that I never saw up-close. I remember the hot humid summer air outside contrasting starkly with the cold air-conditioned chill whenever I walked into a mall or store. I remember the reassuring presence of my grandfather and grandmother during my trip.

Memories like that remind me how big and magical the world felt when I was younger.

The world feels smaller and less magical now, but I still do feel a sense of wonder whenever I travel. But whenever I travel now, it's a bit different from that first experience I had when I visited the Philippines. As a kid, I didn't have to worry about anything. I miss that, I guess. The carefree endless summers.

second_flight @ 2026-01-08T21:34:00

2026-01-09T02:34:10Z

I'm pretty fed up with the state of American media. Pretty much anything and everything becomes political and split down party lines. You can't trust anything from the government because it's vastly biased towards Trump's propaganda, and the left news outlets consistently put out their own biases. It's so tiring to have to sort out all the noise to reach a reasonable conclusion. Everyone I know only wants to hear what validates their own viewpoint. It sucks. I hate it so much. I can't reliably talk to anyone and have a reasonable discussion because it's either one view or the other. There's no nuance. If I talked to anyone on either side, it would be hard to get them to see the other side at all, or even consider a conclusion other than their own.

But let it all burn, I suppose. Turning off all news for today. Let it all burn again tomorrow.

second_flight @ 2025-12-26T23:41:00

2025-12-27T04:41:54Z

Recently a famous youtuber passed away named Adam the Woo. It's interesting, because it was covered by the mainstream television outlets which normally don't cover youtubers. When I think about it, it's amazing how youtubers have been ingrained into our lives. It feels like we know them since we watch their videos and their content, and sort of experience what they're experiencing. For myself, I've been following different people and animals, and I've experienced that sense of loss when they suddenly pass away, or when someone stops posting videos suddenly. Even before the rise of Youtube, I used to follow blogs, and I remember people would just stop updating one day and never return. It's very strange, this connection we feel with people who don't have anything to do with us but are still in our lives somehow. I guess it's a testament of our humanity, or at least one aspect of it. I don't think that's a bad thing to have.

second_flight @ 2025-11-14T22:39:00

2025-11-15T03:39:03Z

One of my best friends from New York got engaged today, and I'm really happy for her. The relationship moved fast, but it seemed to work for her, and the guy seems good. Again, it feels bittersweet. My friends move on to another chapter in their lives and I feel like we'll drift a little further away.

I've been thinking about things way more than I usually want to think about things lately. Ever since my aunt got diagnosed with cancer, I've been forced to confront my own fears of losing people I love and of being stuck where I am in life. I feel alone and scared at times. For now, all I can do is be here for my aunt.

I think about my own mortality now too. Where do I want to end up in my final days? What will I have lived for? Will I be happy where I am? Do I want to make some grand exit, or quietly pass away into the night? What do I want to accomplish before I die? These questions come frequently now. I wonder what my aunt thinks about these things, but I don't need to ask. I know she's proud of her life and everything she's done.

But I've come to realize that I don't know what I want for my own life. I've lived my life to prioritize my family. Once they're gone, what will my priority be then? What is it that I want?

I don't have to answer it now.

second_flight @ 2025-09-10T16:22:00

2025-09-10T20:22:19Z

When I was a kid, I used to imagine a world where all the countries worked together. I got an internship at the UN because I believed in this ideal. Now everything feels so far away from that.

Again, the news serves as a backdrop to my life. The Nepal protests, the prime ministers from different countries resigning, and of course all the craziness going on in America. In front of all this, my aunt has cancer, and I'm confronted with the possibility that I might lose her.

Why did our world get worse? We have all these things that should improve our lives, but our collective happiest days (as a millennial) were right before the dominance of social media. The term "enshitification" comes to mind. Everything sort of just got worse.

A lot of times, everything feels like a big giant wave that just pushes me along. I have no control over the people who govern our lives, nor do I have control over societal needs and pressures. Those forces brought us here, where we're more divided and lonelier, and more tribalistic.

Getting older kinda sucks.

second_flight @ 2025-06-20T20:14:00

2025-06-21T00:14:19Z

Back in 2014, OkCupid released this blog post about a data study they did that found Asian men and Black women were the least preferred in the dating app pool. It was painful to read, but it echoed my own experience with dating apps. It would be weeks, and I'd get maybe 4 likes, 3 of them from bots, and one from another country. And I thought to myself... "Is something wrong with me?" I did everything that was suggested. Put smiling pictures, put yourself in with a group of people, show yourself doing something adventurous. I started reading what other girls preferred, and it dawned on me how superficial the whole thing was. "Must be at least 5'10, must have a 6 figure job, must have a dog." After giving it a chance for a few months, I got fed up, stuck my middle finger at the whole scene, and walked away without looking back.

I soured over the whole finding romance thing. I focused on finding friends instead, and I was much happier that way. With friends, there weren't any major check boxes I had to fit into. It was just "Yo, are you hungry? There's free food at this event."

But beneath it all, I still think about that OkCupid study. Asian men are the least preferred in dating apps in comparison to males of other races. It still hurts that this is the truth.

I think about it now because it's one of the first times I felt betrayed by society because of my race. I wonder, would I have been happier if I had not read about that study?

second_flight @ 2025-04-20T16:50:00

2025-04-20T20:50:57Z

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in everything. Everything seems so emotionally charged, everything is being manipulated by the algorithm, meant to validate your thoughts and feelings, meant to incite your rage, meant to keep you engaged forever in some sort of endless spiral. Attention itself is a market commodity.

We live in unusual times. Mankind evolved slowly and gradually in the past, but the last few decades were a big leap forward. I don't think we're meant to live this fast. Or at least, we're not used to it. A lot of us are burnt out in many ways. Which makes a lot of us more vulnerable, and that's sort of dangerous. It leads to people being more manipulatable.

I feel like we need to be more open to dissent. Not the lazy or malicious kind, but the kind that allows ideas to flourish. And we need to go beyond the surface level and dig until our reasoning falls apart at the seams, so we can recreate it and have a stronger and more nuanced viewpoint.

But I don't know. I'm sure every age felt some sort of despair like I do about the current era. It almost seems tiresome to say that we live in unusual times, when each time is indeed unusual. I guess it's more appropriate to say that we have very unique problems that were never as present as they are now.

"And ache — the shared vulnerability of existence —
is what binds humans to each other beneath words."

second_flight @ 2025-03-27T21:16:00

2025-03-28T01:16:57Z

Did I mention I hate how blatantly political life in America has become now? It feels like everyone is talking over each other.

I spent a lot of time thinking about how all this craziness started, but Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" always rang in my head. These problems were always burning somewhere, somehow. It just became incredibly amplified over the past few years.

I can't have a normal conversation with many people these days without sensing some kind of trigger they have. "Oh, Palestine and Israel? You're stupid for supporting that side. The side I'm supporting is the righteous side. I'm right on this, you're wrong." Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but there's no room for nuance anymore in this political climate. Everyone thinks they're the 100% good guy, and the other side is the 100% bad guy. Such childish perceptions honestly. I didn't think adults could be like this, but here we are.

I don't really have a point to this post. Just sadness and anger at the way things are.

Heavy

2025-03-24T07:15:42Z

One of my friends went back to visit China after being gone for 10 years. She was able to see her grandmother who was 95 years old. Just today, my friend's grandmother passed away. A few weeks ago, she was sending me pictures of them together, smiling and walking around. I didn't know the grandmother, but I could tell my friend's love for her was strong. To know that my friend and her family had to go through this so suddenly, it's heartbreaking. Death feels too heavy and sobering. All these daily concerns feel so trivial in the face of such a boundless force. I knew there were no words that could help. But I still said them hoping it could ease some of the pain. "I'm here if you need me."

No response since from her since then. I didn't expect one. I'm sure the family is busy now preparing for the funeral.

And now I'm up at 3 AM, really feeling the heaviness of life, stunned by the contemporary nature of it all.

I have to wake up in 4 hours, go to the office, and write up a report which I don't really feel like doing. But maybe there's a blessing in that sort of monotony. Someday, my life may be completely different. I may not always have my family or friends in my life. I should try to enjoy these moments when I can.

Burn Burn Burn

2025-02-19T17:12:04Z

I've had this sick feeling in my stomach since Trump took office. Watching him handle policy and international diplomacy with the same recklessness he handles his business makes me feel uneasy. Watching every day as the US burns away its good will and soft power in the international community and enforcing chaotic policies in America that dismantle the daily lives of many.

Musk is out there posting national spending money online in the guise of transparency, but there's a reason some of these things are kept under wraps. Bad actors can easily decipher data and figure out how much capability the US has. Trump dismantling major government agencies just because they have DEI in them. And more...

And my mind hurts thinking about all this. I mean I saw the end of Roe v Wade when Trump piled the Supreme court with conservative judges during his first term, but with everything happening now, it's harder for me to predict what could happen in the future.

2025

2025-01-24T17:13:36Z

It's strange, I remember watching Back to the Future 2 as a kid and thinking that the future felt so far away, and yet here we are now, way past that version of 2015.

I don't know how I feel about things. The current state in America feels bleah. Politics seems to pervade everything, and I don't really like being in that mindset.

My own personal life has been boring. I work at home most days, I play games at night, and I talk and play with friends online. I still live in NY with my aunt, and I'm not married nor am I in a relationship. I find that I have no interest in the women I meet personality-wise or intellectually. My friends push me to go out and find someone, but I have a "f*** that" mentality about it. At this point in my life, I feel very schizoid-like. I don't want to make the effort to meet anyone new or make small talk.

I think I'm generally content about life. My family is ok, my job isn't stressful and pays a decent wage (not quite enough, but that's ok), and I'm not starving on the street. When I focus on what I have now, it gives me some happiness. Stability can be a treasure in itself, but it's also a prison to some.

But in terms of the grand happiness of life? I don't particularly feel happy. Overall, life feels anti-climactic. I haven't had any sweeping romances, or grand adventures. The world hasn't figured out peace, or how to be sustainable. Perhaps most importantly... we still don't have hoverboards and flying cars. Maybe I had high expectations as a kid.

And that's what's missing in my life, that time when I was little, watching a movie and being amazed at what could be. I miss having that sense of wonder. But I guess that's the price of being an adult. A lot of mystery is lost, or in my case, I'm more reluctant about the promises that life will bring.

2025. Let's see what happens.

Burn and Seethe

2024-11-26T00:03:59Z

*ahem* In my humble opinion....

I think there's a part of me that enjoys watching the world burn.

I watched as the majority of democrats on election night lose their minds at the election of Donald Trump. People screaming how women's rights were officially dead and how the world has fallen to bigotry and hatred. People screaming how it's not an "us" problem, it's an American problem. "Why are people so STUPID to vote for Trump again?" People saying "If your family voted for Trump, NEVER talk to them again." "If you're not pro-choice, you're ANTI-WOMEN."

And I roll my eyes at all this. Here's the fallacy of it all. We automatically shut out any sort of opinion that disagrees. If someone doesn't believe in vaccinations, or climate-change, or hates abortion, we have an automatic power over them because they're wrong. There's no effort to engage with them, to listen to why they believe in these in things. However, I've found that even if someone doesn't agree, if you listen to them and make an effort to try and understand, you'll have won their confidence in some aspect.

That's why a majority of democrats miss the point here. Somewhere beyond the countless celebrity endorsements and smugness, they failed to listen and talk to the people. And that's why I'm sooooo angry at them. What happened to the party for the working class and common people? When did it become the party that silenced people by calling anyone who believed differently as stupid or a nazi or bigot or uneducated or a misogynist?

I wanted a democratic party that actually is for the people. In my opinion, they've been failing to listen for years, and that showed in this election. More than half of Americans verify this. It's a failure to engage. I watched as the disaster unfolded each step of the way, and I couldn't shake the unease I felt. From Biden's low presidential polling, to Biden's weak debate performance, to Biden dropping out, to having no democratic primary, to the attempted assassination of Trump, to the ineffective Harris campaign... it seems like one after another, the chain reaction never stopped. And through it all, the media outlets lived in a bubble, because the loudest voices we heard coming from the left were from celebrities and journalists.

People will say we have to live with the consequences of our choice, but I don't think there really was a choice. It's more like destiny. And the more democrats don't want to open their eyes, the more they'll be written out.

Just rambling

2023-12-09T07:25:19Z

I was watching YouTube and I saw this short documentary that caught my eye. It was about a carousel in one of America's dying malls. The owner had designed everything himself, and he affectionately talked about all the different animals he had made featured on the ride. It was a great video, and I felt a pang of loneliness for a bygone era that was disappearing, and I had a better desire to appreciate to world around me.

As I watched this, I wondered how I got to that video. It was a random suggestion in my feed, based on my viewing preferences. I have never outwardly searched for carousels, but the algorithm had somehow guided me there. The video only had a small handful of views, and I was impressed with how YouTube just knew I would like it. It led me to a video that not many had seen and about a topic that's very niche.

It's weird when I think about how much digital content there is out there. Is it through our effort that we stumble upon things online, or are we guided there by the algorithms lurking behind the veil? I'm guessing it's a bit of both, like some sort of hybrid between human and machine. Or perhaps we're more influenced by the corporations that seem to tower over everything we do.

But I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I would want more people to see that video that I saw, but I have no control over it. It's the YouTube algorithm that decides what gets seen, and I doubt 1 million people would be searching for "Carousels in dying malls." But it makes me worry more about the things that get brushed over by the algorithm. What are the things that we don't see that are worth seeking out? This question plagues me sometimes. Like what is hiding in our blind spot?

This becomes a bit of a philosophical thought. We can never know everything. We just sort of need to do what we can with the things we currently know. But I've always personally struggled with this. I don't always feel satisfied with being in the present moment. In my mind and heart, I'm always on this quest searching for answers, whatever that is.

In a roundabout way, my curiosity took me to this video about a carousel, which had the subtle lesson about appreciating what we have in the present moment, before it's gone. It's the opposite of what I tend to do, which is get lost thinking about the past and future. This push and pull is sort of the conflict of my personality and who I am as a person. Me, coming to terms with the ebbs and flows of life. Me, curious for knowledge that is somehow staring at me in front of my face. Why do I feel it's important to seek answers that are beyond what's needed? It's just simply who I am.

I guess my concern is that everything I see these days is filtered through tech and media. I get fed biases, political viewpoints, and emotional pleas just by simply looking at a screen. Again, I wonder.. what are the things that I don't see when these things are fed to me? What is the message beyond the message?

But ok, I've rambled on enough.

War

2023-10-09T17:10:15Z

I've been watching the live feed of the Gaza strip, seeing the bombs dropped into the city by Israel in response to the horrible Hamas attack. It's eerie and heartbreaking, to say the least. It'll be quiet for a bit, and suddenly a loud explosion, buildings collapsing, followed by smoke covering the sky. Every now and then, you can hear rumbling in the distance, along with the buzz of a plane flying overhead. And then you hear something coming fast, maybe another missile, but then you realize it's just the wind, or a car driving past.

Now it's nighttime, and a lightning storm has passed over the area. Everything is practically pitch black except the few buildings with light, and the menacing red glow of fire in the distance. An Islamic prayer is heard through the speakers before briefly quieting down. Lightning flashes and it briefly lights up the city like a horror film. And then another missile rains down nearby, covering the city in a brief flash of orange.

Hatred and blood beget more hatred and blood.

Migrant Crisis in NYC

2023-08-30T03:31:49Z

So I guess one thing currently happening in NYC is the migrant crisis. The topic is a little political, but I'm always interested in delving into these sorts of things. So places like Texas and Florida started sending migrants refugees to New York and other cities in the US on buses awhile back, without any due notice. Current estimates for NY are about 60, 000 people, which is pretty crazy for an already dense city. The problem is this was done as a political stunt by the Republican states rather than being any sort of humane consideration.

So now we have 60,000 people suddenly here in NYC. Migrants shelters have been opened up in different places, but there have been a lot of problems with that. A lot of locals are protesting because they don't want to deal with the sudden influx of problems that come with more people in the area. We have Lady Gaga's father talking to the news about how one of the hotels being used to house the migrants is causing all kinds of problems. People are noisy, there's alleged drug use and prostitution, things like that. We have the local homeless people angry about how they gave migrants a luxury hotel to live in while they struggle out in the streets. And even then, the migrants are still sleeping outside of the hotels because there isn't enough space inside. I mean, the list of complaints goes on. Some tent cities have also started popping up, but the police have been able to stop them for now.

Once the migrants are in the shelter, the objective is to give them access to work legally, but that's something given by the government, which we all know can take forever. I heard some stories from migrants that they immediately found under-the-table type of work immediately when they got in. The problem with all this is that once the migrants have work and are making money, they need to be able to purchase a place to live to move out of their temporary shelters. NYC, however, has a high average for rent/home costs. Can someone making minimum wage afford to find a place to live under such high prices?

It's approximated that it will cost 3 billion dollars to deal with the migrant crisis here in NYC. So yeah, after all that, no wonder a lot of locals are angry. It is pretty underhanded of Texas and Florida to do what they did, but it is an effective way to make their point.

I think the local government is doing the best with what's been given to them in the short amount of time. I think they were vastly unprepared in the first place though, and NYC would have needed more time to prepare for such an influx. Even then, the people complaining would still be there. The only solution for most of them is to send the migrants back, or to "set the shelter up somewhere else, just not near me."

To top it off, the whole migrant crisis feels like it falls on deaf ears in Washington DC. I do feel frustrated with Biden, because a lot of his focuses and initiatives feel like they're a bit off the mark. Things like his "Build Back Better" campaign target communities that are low-income or lacking in infrastructure, which is a good thing, but doesn't really get felt by the middle class as much. With the migrant crisis, it's mostly left for the city to deal with.

I think NYC will get through this, like all other problems. Once another major problem pops up, this will mostly be forgotten by the general public, like everything else before it.

second_flight @ 2023-08-21T19:15:00

2023-08-21T23:15:36Z

Another one of my friends from Los Angeles got married this weekend. It's almost perfect timing because they did it the day before the hurricane. However, I heard some of his relatives couldn't fly back the next day because flights were cancelled. Unfortunately I couldn't make it there myself, but it saved me from getting stuck.

My eyes watered a bit after he showed me the pictures. It always hits me a bit when my friends get married. It's really amazing to see them happy. I get to see my friends get to that milestone in their lives, and it's powerful. But it also feels very bittersweet.

Till the next wedding, I guess.

Full Circle

2023-05-25T05:23:14Z

It seems like I've come full circle, in terms of friendship. When I first came to New York, I had a hard time finding friends, and I found myself missing my friends back in LA. After a few years in NYC, I went to get my masters and it was there that I found new people I could eventually call my friends. I always thought it was weird because they had fairly different hobbies than I did. I liked video games and technology, and they liked drinking and k-dramas. But when we got together, we always had something to talk about. I eventually also made some friends online that I played FFXIV with. When I started working, I also made friends with my coworkers, and we would go out for drinks and movies after work. And just like that, I had friends again.

But the pandemic happened. A lot of my friends got different jobs, some moved away, others got married and had kids... And I find myself practically alone again. I still chat with my friends through text, but it's different these days. Everyone has found new priorities. And nobody is there to play the latest game or see a movie with me.

These days my nights are spent alone. I play video games by myself and watch true crime videos on YouTube. I'm mostly okay with this, but every now and then I feel a pang of loneliness and despair. I'm hitting middle age, and somewhere in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "Hey, maybe this is it. The best of my years are gone." And it's scary.

But the funny thing is that I don't feel like I want new friends. I just want my old friends back. Maybe because making new friends is draining as heck, and I'm already tired from work once the day is over.

This all sounds sad, but I'm mostly okay with my life. There are just some nights where this hits harder than usual.

Passing Time

2023-02-15T03:57:51Z

Another post after what seems like forever. The world seems to get crappier and more complicated. A lot of political news and countries arguing with each other, among other things. An earthquake happened in Turkey killing many, a Chinese balloon was shot down, another mass shooting in the US, and RIHANNA IS PREGNANT OMG.

I remember there was a time when I was excited for the future. But these days it's hard to even find a silver lining.

While my outlook on the world is worse, my personal life is still pretty normal. I'm ok most of the time, and work is pretty nice. I'm taking an exam to be certified tomorrow, so I'm a little worried. I've been studying for a while, but it feels like there are still a lot of blind spots in my knowledge of the material.

I'm also getting older, even though I don't feel older. A lot of my friends are married now, or are moving on to high paying jobs, or own their own homes. A part of me feels left behind, but at the same time I know I shouldn't compare myself to them.

I don't really have anything to update on. I guess this is a checkpoint of where I'm at in life. A save spot, like in a game. I don't know what's coming up next, but I figure now is good place to say "This is where I'm at."

second_flight @ 2022-03-01T10:07:00

2022-03-01T15:07:38Z

Life in NYC has been really frustrating since the pandemic. My personal life itself is fine, and I'm actually enjoying the work-from-home lifestyle. However, the city feels like it's gone down the crapper. The problems are sort of building off of each other. First off, Asian hate crime has been on the rise and feels like an issue that's been swept under the rug. I felt it before to some degree before the pandemic, but now it's really gone off the rails. Along with that, the violent crimes in subways feels like it's increased. People have been pushing others into the track, stabbing people with knives, stealing, and even smother feces into people's faces. My Chinese friend has stopped taking the subway in the evening altogether because she just doesn't feel safe anymore. These crimes are mostly done by mentally unstable people/homeless that seem to have been unhinged by the pandemic. The worst factor is that most of the people that perpetrate these crimes have been arrested before or have a long criminal history. To top it off, they're planning to build the tallest jail in the world right in the middle of Manhattan Chinatown, which houses 6 homeless shelters already. Not that people escape jail on a daily basis, but the thought of having a 40-story facility like that in your neighborhood is intimidating. The homeless also tend to congregate around Chinatown during the day, a lot of them taking refuge in the subways or parks. Funny thing is a lot of the homeless refuse help due to a lot of reasons. I don't have anything against those with mental illness or the homeless, but there is a problem here.

On a similar note, they just started construction on a homeless shelter near my neighborhood, along with the construction of a multi-million dollar housing complex just a few blocks away. The disparity of wealth in this city never ceases to surprise me.

Also, the thing with Ukraine and Russia going on, among other things. For the past few ~~years~~ decades, Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" has been stuck in my head. Always wanted to hear the lyrics updated with everything that's happened.

Generic Social Commentary Here

2021-11-01T17:05:45Z

I feel like the a big portion of the social problem these days is that a lot of people don't really take the time to listen to the other side, or don't really give others a chance to speak first without disregarding what they're trying to say. We're immediately put into groups, "liberals, anti-vaxxers, socialists, gun-lover" which makes it easy to turn someone into an enemy just by word association alone.

I can understand the frustration of dealing with someone with an opposing view though, especially when I'm working to help get our vaccination rates up at my job. I have a lot of friends who immediately say "anti-vaxxers are stupid. I hope they die." It becomes an "us vs. them" mentality, and I don't really like that our current culture is like that.

It's also to the point where any type of observation/criticism construed by one side as negative is immediately labeled as bad, and the person who gave that criticism becomes an enemy.

I feel like we're in a powder keg. I don't really have an answer to this. It's just a big part of my frustration these days. I feel like we need to spend more time listening and acknowledging people who have different thoughts and opinions than us, and also having an opportunity to engage with them as well. All good in theory I suppose, but in reality it's a mess. I see so much media that perpetuates biased thinking, and it feels hopeless sometimes.

Beyond these issues though, my personal life isn't bad. Trucking along as usual. My social life has been quiet, but I'm not lonely. I keep in contact with my friends and family. For fun, I watch random videos on youtube and play video games to fill my downtime. Work is fulfilling, and monitoring the COVID situation is what keeps me moving forward. I dream of the day I go to Japan again and eat gyudon at 1 AM in the morning at some back alley after a long day of adventuring. Even with the world the way it is, I guess I'm content with where I am now.

second_flight @ 2021-09-02T14:57:00

2021-09-02T18:57:46Z

The world is still on fire in 2021, but maybe it always has been?

There's always so many topics to look into, so many ideas to discuss, so many things we can try to make better.

Hurricane Ida just hit us last night. Neighborhoods around me are flooded, but our house is just fine luckily.

The anti-abortion thing in Texas just happened, so it's all over the news. It's strange how pro-abortion and anti-vaxx like to use the same argument. "My body, my choice." Even though both are on the other side of the political spectrum.

Afghanistan, COVID, China banning game time for kids, Trump... All recurring themes on my newsfeed today.

Sometimes I feel disconnected from all of it. Like I try to comprehend the scope of our humanity and problems, but of course, I can never quite know everything I want to know. It frustrates me because I feel so limited. The "right" or "wrong" path is so ambiguous and much more complex these days. But I seem to know enough at least, to keep going. Steady and true, ever forward.

All of this is sort of the backdrop of my life right now. I got a raise at my job last year, and now I'm working more as a data analyst. I'm working on COVID data predominantly. I feel like I'm lucky, as my family has been largely unaffected by the virus.

I don't really have much to say except that I'm still here, in this little corner of the internet, or rather, I haven't forgotten it.

Cherry Blossoms

2021-04-27T21:34:37Z

I went to see the cherry blossoms in Brooklyn today. I’m sitting in the shade and just listening to the sound of the wind and the people chatting softly in the distance.

It’s peaceful.

Life is Strange 3

2021-03-19T01:48:31Z

Life is Strange: True Colors - Official Trailer | Square Enix Presents 2021 - YouTube

The new Life is Strange True Colors trailer dropped just recently. I'm pretty excited to play it. I like the Life is Strange series, even though they're not perfect, but they've all been memorable experiences for me at least. I'm surprised/not surprised that the new main character is an Asian woman (Hey pssst, when are we going to get an Asian man as a lead in a dramatic role?).

Character interactions have often felt frustrating in the series. One minute you're having a calm conversation, and the next minute they're exploding in anger or offended by something you said. I understand this is done for dramatic effect, but it's annoying when every dialogue choice you make leads to the same conclusion. Adventure games have gotten better at expanding consequential actions over the years, but I guess there are scenarios that have to be forced to happen to keep the story going. I think Life is Strange 2 did a good job with its ending as it was the accumulated choices throughout the game that ultimately affected the final outcome. However, there were still moments in the story where you're forced to act in a certain way, even if you don't agree with it.

I think this was my main problem with Last of Us 2. Ellie's whole story was about revenge and it was something I just couldn't get behind. Then in the 2nd part of the story, it spends time humanizing the other side that you just spent time killing. The game just felt really manipulative in what is was trying to accomplish. Like oh, remember that person the main character horribly killed in the first act? Well here's what happened before you killed him when he with his family, being a good guy!

With that said though, a lot of narrative adventure games are fairly emotionally manipulative. I guess manipulative isn't the right word..? It might be too strong of a word, like that's how saying art is emotionally manipulative, when it's meant more to evoke feelings from you? In the end though, I appreciate the effort to move the storytelling medium forward.

second_flight @ 2021-02-16T22:29:00

2021-02-17T03:29:16Z

I think being cooped up inside for the past year is finally getting to me. I've spent the last few nights feeling a little lonely. Usually I have things that I keep myself occupied with, but lately they haven't felt as satisfying to do. I think I must be lonely, but I don't really have a particular need to talk to anyone. If I really wanted to, I could hop onto VRChat and sit by a group of people and just listen in. But I can already imagine the possible topics and conversations and I just don't want to engage in any of that. Or I could go listen to a podcast or listen to one of the many educational/inspirational TED talks... but I don't feel like doing that either.

I think it's one of those nights where I wish I had a cat asleep on my lap and I could just sit, stare out the window, and listen to music. Well, I'm doing all of that now, except the cat part. It's funny because there are times where I feel like I could live by myself out in the wilderness, but times like these pull me back to reality. No matter how self sufficient I am emotionally and physically, there's still a part of me that gets lonely. It doesn't happen as intensely or as frequently as it did when I was younger, but I can't deny that it still does exist. I guess the main difference now is that I don't let it, or rather -won't- let it take over my life.

This LJ is full of moments like these where I feel lonely and I come here to try to find some alleviation from it, but I feel like it never really does anything for me. Maybe in some ways it helps, like a collective push to move beyond it. I have to remind myself that it's okay to not have answers to everything. It's okay to just have this moment.. these moments.. where I feel lonely and I make the effort to express myself in some way. And when I die one day and internet archaeologists find this journal in the future, hopefully I won't be judged too harshly.

But I guess I'll end it here. My imaginary cat woke up and ran off somewhere. I'll have to go find her and make sure she doesn't get into any trouble.

second_flight @ 2021-02-02T00:33:00

2021-02-02T05:33:17Z

I remember walking down the streets of Tokyo in the early hours of the morning back in at the end of 2019. I couldn’t sleep well due to jet lag from our flight (and also partly due to the excitement), so I decided to take a stroll a few blocks to the nearest 7-11. It was around 3 AM and I can remember the crisp chill of the autumn air as I stepped outside our Airbnb. It had rained earlier, so the ground was still wet and it reflected the glow of the lonely streetlights all around me.

The streets were empty, as expected from being out at 3 AM. No cars, no people, and not a single sound on the road. I remember how surreal it felt to be there at that moment.

I still remember in high school, before the internet was really big, I browsed through webcam photos of Tokyo streets and I had this pang of desire that I wanted to be there. If you asked me at the time why I wanted to travel to Japan out of any other place in the world, I wouldn’t have been able to answer. Maybe it was the stories from my grandfather of when he lived there, or maybe it was the influence of all the anime I watched at the time, or maybe it was that and more.

But there I finally was, and I felt -something-. Like a missing puzzle piece in my life had finally been found and it neatly clicked into my being. Like my soul was on the same wavelength as the atmosphere around me.

Now the way I speak about Tokyo seems so dreamy, and I’m not saying this is a magical perfect solution to everything in life. However, I can’t deny that it was a powerful experience as I stood there at 3 AM on my first night.

It’s weird that I can can only talk about it now. Maybe there’s a part of me that thinks that once it leaves that realm of abstract thoughts and feelings, it becomes less of an experience. It’s true in some aspect, because words and interpretation can be limiting, but I figure it’s time I try to reconcile that abstractness.

What did I experience? I guess simply, it was the fulfillment of a childhood dream.

When I got to the 7-11, I immediately snapped back to reality when the cashier greeted me in Japanese. I muttered a response back shyly... “Uhmm... hello.” Either he didn’t hear me or didn’t care that my response was in English because he continued doing whatever he was doing before I came in. I gawked at all the exotic stuff on the shelves, stuff that I would never have seen in the US. It was admittedly a little comforting to see typical US brands though, like Pringles lining the shelves.

I ended up deciding to get the Yakisoba bread for my midnight snack. I always worry about the quality of stuff from the convenience, but it seemed like it was ok (it tasted decently enough). I brought it up to the cashier and he said a price in Japanese which I would never have been able to understand, but luckily the cash register flashed the price I owed. The cashier also thankfully didn’t point out that I was a foreigner or try to make small talk about where I was from. It was a surprisingly normal transaction. After the payment was done, I said “Thank you” in English because I was too scared to say “Arigatou” for fear of pronunciation errors.

As I was walking back to the Airbnb, I laughed at how shy I felt back at the store. Little did I know that shyness would hold me back a bit throughout the rest of the trip.

The rest of the trip felt like a whirlwind. There were only a few other moments where I had time to reflect by myself. But I don’t think I’ll ever forget that first night there where I finally felt “complete.” All it took was an early morning stroll in Tokyo to reclaim what I had been missing.