college

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

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I have one paper down, the Shakespearean thing that isn’t anywhere near as good as I wanted to be.

But it’s done.

I’m working on my paper that started out being about Kate Chopin (and, oddly, I haven’t written anything about her at all yet) and is now ass-deep in the exchange of information and relationship building.

It’s been eye-opening, for sure. I still have no understanding of Lacan or how that will play into it, but I am writing up a storm.

11 days, and I’ll be done, done, having walked across the stage, not losing my temper because I didn’t graduate magna cum laude (despite having the GPA, but that’s another rant for another time).

I’ll be done, done, and I never have to think about USM again. Except when I go to work there this summer. I’ve signed on to continue tutoring (at the abysmally low rate, stupid me) until I find a “real job.” While I don’t mind tutoring, I’d much rather be making a wage that is more than what I was making as a non-degreed.

But anyway.

Marie called, asked me if I remembered they were having a birthday party for me this weekend.

I didn’t.

Continue reading The Light at the End of the Tunnel →

personal

Dreaming of Peace

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I woke up at 3:42 this morning. I know this, because it adds up to 9. I’m not sure what my fascination with the number 9 is, but it’s something that sticks out in my head. When I put numbers in stories, such as weight, addresses, whatever, I make a conscious effort to make them add up to 9. This isn’t something new, I don’t think, but years and years of 9’s.

I woke up at 3:42 this morning, my head full of nightmares. I was dreaming of people I hadn’t thought of in a long, long time. I don’t know if there would be a good time for this, ever, but especially not this week, the last official week of class, the hell week before the time reserved for finals starts up.

Her name was a translation for peace, and I remember when I first met her that if I ever had a daughter, I would use her name.

But then I found out why she was there.

In an effort to be preemptive, I’ll warn that this will definitely not be work safe. It will be unpleasant and graphic. I just thought I’d warn you.

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Eat Pray Exercise

About Those Breasts…

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I have a presentation in 7 hours (God, being up this early makes the day seem so very, very long). I’m not sure what I’ll be talking about other than iconoclasm in the classroom. (I’ve noticed a theme to my classroom presentations, and they’re usually about overthrowing outdated, tired, and ineffectual teaching methods. Hmm).

I’m supposed to have a visual aid.  I don’t have a visual aid.  I’m not sure if I will have a visual aid.

Of course, I don’t have a speech either, so I’m right on schedule.

Two weeks of actual classroom left, of papers and stress and hair pulling and screaming and then….

…and then I don’t know. I have no idea.  Ideally, I’ll be sitting on the bow of the boat, sipping iced tea, reading something horribly trashy and getting sunburnt and swimming until my limbs revolt.

Ideally.

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musing

Scream Worthy

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So I went walking this evening. I needed to get some of this frustration out. I needed to get some of this panic and anger and utter disappointment out.

I needed to move, and I needed to move fast. I went to the park; there is something very calming (and relevant) about walking in circles around a track that has honeysuckle and various fragrant flowers along the path.

I got maybe — maybe — 20 minutes in, if I was lucky.  I was first stopped by the sight of a man showing his daughter how to drink honeysuckle. She was maybe five. This was a big deal, and he taught her with all the seriousness of an esoteric lesson.  I had to walk around bikes strewn along the track. Apparently everyone in the city decided to ride their bikes (or at least throw them down along the walking track) today for some reason.

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college

First Paper

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So I’ve been struggling all morning trying to finish my first paper that’s due today. Still more to do with the class, but this is the beginning of the end. I struggled all weekend and had trouble with it.

I struggled last night and fell asleep. I woke up at 430 this morning and struggled with it again.

And I can’t write.  I am saying the same stupid crap in different stupid ways. Over and over.

And I realized…this is the part where I panic, where I pace and drink much coffee and smoke dangerous amounts of cigarettes as a means of coping with the stress of so much writing.

I refuse to smoke, so it would appear that I can’t write.  I’m getting that “Just one won’t hurt you, and you’ll be able to write” voice in my head.

But I know what happens when I just have one.

I want to scream. Seriously.

It doesn’t help that it’s writing about writing, which is the dullest topic ever.

ARGH.

Eat Pray Exercise

Monday Update (Orig: March 24, 2008)

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I really can’t express how much I am digging on 3FatChicks. There is so much information there that it blows my mind. They have exercise challenges where everyone inputs the amount of minutes they’ve exercised for the day for a running total for the group of participants, and weekly weigh-ins, and things like that, and I am just stunned at the amount of support there. There are recipes and exercise tips, links and encouragement.

While I had been exercising most days (say, 6 out of 7), I started tracking it and making concrete exercise goals because of it. Because I didn’t start writing it down until 03/14, I made a goal of 360 minutes for the month (20 minutes a day average for every day left of the month). Writing it down rather than making a mental note (Yep! Made 20 minutes today!) makes a big difference, I’ve found. I’m consciously striving for an average of 140 a week, and, so far, am exceeding it as an average. If I miss a day, I make sure to exercise extra to make up for it.

I’ve also decided to go to weekly weigh-ins for the board as well. I’m still keeping my original focus, but I think that by participating in the community, it will provide encouragement when I need it the most.

I started the weigh-in process today, and I’ve gained three pounds since 03/05. All things considered (those really really bad weeks), that’s not bad, but clearly, I don’t want to move in that direction.

This morning, I was walking and just so absolutely happy that I woke up at 3 pounds and not 5 or 10 or 20.

I’m moving. I’ve made some important realizations since the beginning of March, and I’m just so, well, blessed.

Last week, I managed 153 (actual) of 140 (goal) minutes.

I’m re-calibrating my week from Friday-Thursday (for work) to a “normal people week” from Monday-Sunday.

That’s about it.

Eat Pray Exercise

Declaration (Orig: March 21, 2008)

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O Son of Spirit!
Noble have I created thee, yet thou hast abased thyself. Rise then unto that for which thou was created.

~ Baha’u’llah, The Hidden Words

The Fast officially ended at sunset this evening, and boy oh boy was it a learning process. Far more than last year, and I was far less successful with it this year compared with last year.

I am incredibly foolish at times. Embarrassingly, frighteningly, and utterly foolish. I had this strange month, March, one where absolutely nothing seemed to go right.

Once you get things “all figured out,” it’s supposed to be smooth sailing, right?

Spring Break was last week, and, without a doubt, it was the most disastrous week I’ve had in a long, long time. It was bad-bad, like half-a-gallon-of-blue-bell-ice-cream in 2 days bad. A feat, I might add, that I have NEVER accomplished in all of my days of crazy eating before last week.

Last week, the one that fell after this wonderful, transformative, oh-my-God moment that supposedly changed everything.

Continue reading Declaration (Orig: March 21, 2008) →

musing

Saturday Sighing

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…just sighing.

Work soon, friends moving away, a party tonight, wish I could go.

End of semester stress and I may have found a house to rent. A house with hot water and a shower and an actual stove.

A house that I could stretch in.

I’m supposed to go look at it tomorrow; however, I’ll be committing myself to living down here for the duration of my inbetween school time.

But it’s affordable. I can have the cats.

And a shower.

And then there’s the possibility of the volunteer project after graduation. Is it possible? Will I be that brave?  It’s literally on the other side of the globe.

But it’s service AND it’s something I’m actually qualified to do.

And then there’s The Guy.  More careful and watchful, more honest and open, and far, far less needy, I know that this bears watching.

Life was good before this. Life is constantly getting better.

I am so grateful.

Eat Pray Exercise

So Much for Tuesday (Orig: 03/11/08)

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I’m sort of a mess today.

Scratch that, I’m definitely a mess today.

Spring Break is here, and I slept in again. I woke up, ate breakfast, and went back to bed, content that I’d observe the Fast again.

Right.

Last year it was “neat” and “nifty” and “challenging.” This year it is is “hard” and “grrr” and “bringing garbage to the surface.”

Which is not to say that it is still not beautiful. I can tell some major stuff is going on, which makes it absolutely necessary.

It just doesn’t make the Fast as fun as it was last year.

Continue reading So Much for Tuesday (Orig: 03/11/08) →

Eat Pray Exercise

On Dreaming: (Orig: March 10, 2008)

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I didn’t walk either Saturday or Sunday morning, something that definitely has messed with my continuity. Because I work over night on Friday and Saturday nights, unless I walk at work during my so-called “lunch break” (after 7 am when my relief comes in), I don’t have the energy to walk at all.

This morning is the first of Spring Break. I woke up early, before sunrise and ate since I’m still Fasting, and decided, with as cold and grey as it was outside, to go back to bed.

It was marvelous. I still have a to-do list a billion miles long. I still haven’t walked this morning. I still haven’t done anything on my to-do list, but I went back to bed.

And, despite all the conditions surrounding it, I did it guilt-free.

I love guilt-free stuff.

Continue reading On Dreaming: (Orig: March 10, 2008) →

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