30 Day Challenge: Day 4

Yesterday was a give-away day. For the majority of the day, I didn’t accomplish anything, and that’s rather disheartening.

Not so lilting a start, and yet, I seem to be acutely aware when I am procrastinating. It’s almost painful now, although, as of right now, I keep doing it despite that fact.

A couple of things, though. The Guy, having reappeared, keeps doing it, and this presents a bit of a problem. I like him, a lot. I enjoy him a lot, but his timing just sucks. Another late night again last night despite my self-promise that I’d go to bed early. I did actually wake up at 630, but I hit the snooze so many times the alarm just shut itself off.

So now, because I overslept, it really is too hot to walk. I’m not that hardcore.

Not complaints. Just observations.

Although, at 2 this morning, I did manage to fix my air conditioning thingy, and that improved my life monumentally all night long.

But it is a new day, and it is an experiment.

30 Day Challenge: Day 3

“Now you can enjoy and honor the things of this world without giving them any importance or significance they don’t have. You can participate in the dance of creation and be active without attachment to outcome and without placing unreasonable demands on the world: Fulfill me, make me happy, make me safe, tell me who I am. The world cannot give you those things, and when you no longer have such expectations, all self-created suffering comes to an end.”

Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth (226)

Monday night, during class, I realized how very often I attach expectation to things and situations. After graduation, I would have this, do that. A person who loves me would have this, do that. A good person would have this, do that.

It’s all very exhausting, really, and ultimately disappointing.

I realized that who someone or something from my perspective, is all about my perspective. I notice a pattern and assign names to qualities. I either like or dislike these qualities. Knowing very little about a person, I then fill in the gaps between them. And then, when they don’t act as if they have those qualities, I find myself hurt. Because who, having those qualities, would act in a non-quality way?

Yes, a rather major light bulb went off. I realized that I was practically living completely through people and situations. How could I possibly have time to learn to be myself when I was too busy constructing and condemning everything around me?

So Monday night, I decided to actively let go. And, boy, did two strange things happen.

Continue reading 30 Day Challenge: Day 3

30 Day Challenge

On the night I visited my grandmother in the hospital, I stopped by the church on my way there. They were having a class on Ekhart Tolle’s New Earth, which, to be honest, I didn’t have any interest in. But I just needed to be there. Family drama was expected, and I needed a bolster of good energy before I waded in.

As odd things go, it was exactly what I needed. They talked about the ego, about role playing the victim, about repeating patterns and getting caught in high drama. I profess to hate it, and, for the most part, it leaves a really bad taste in my mouth, but there is that part of me that just craves it, even if it’s just to show my superiority in how I stand above it.

That night I went out and bought the book.

Now, I can’t say that I whole-heartedly agree with everything he says. There are instances where his definitions are wrong, such as

“…and since the mind is conditioned by the past, you are then forced to reenact the past again and again. The Eastern term for this is karma.” (p 129).

As far as I know, the Eastern term, karma, means cause and effect. Not necessarily repeating patterns.

The way he describes the pain-body conjures an image of something from “Alien,” this ugly tentacled thing living in my body, and yet separate from it. While I understand what he’s getting at, that you are pure essence and everything is not you, there is a certain lack of personal responsibility that he seems to favor, as if murderers and rapists aren’t responsible for their actions. (He makes some reference to that, but I can’t find it off hand).

So, I read it all a few weeks ago, with a interested but somewhat ho-hum reaction to it. Not being able to find the book I’m reading now (Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston), I grabbed it for work and read it all night long.

Continue reading 30 Day Challenge

Chop Wood Carry Water

I keep thinking I’ll blog, get around to it, so much going on, I need to say something, dammit.

But then I don’t want to because, well, that would mean facing it.

Graduating, I thought, would change a lot of things for me. Magically, I suppose, and so very unrealistically. It wasn’t just a triumph over my attention issues, my lack of stick-to-it-tiveness, but also conquering this melancholy that leaves me, well, incapacitated at times.

I thought of all the nights I sat in panic, fumbling papers and re-reading illegible notes, trying to put a paper together that would mean something, be coherent, get a good grade. And I was proud. Like it was over, like I wouldn’t have to deal with that any more, like demons were gone.

I want to write. I want to write well. I don’t dig the tortured artist motif; I don’t want to be that person.

But here it is, weeks after graduation, unable to find a job, still trapped in the hell of flipping nights, and I realize that nothing has changed, other than I have a piece of paper (presumably, I still haven’t gotten it in the mail) and I’m horribly in debt. The melancholy remains and is, if nothing, exacerbated.

Continue reading Chop Wood Carry Water

Back From Black

This morning, I had trouble getting up and walking. I was looking forward to it. I bought new shoes yesterday, and, while I tried them out yesterday evening, I was really looking forward to doing the just-woke-up walk and see how they feel.

But I couldn’t get moving. With any sort of expediency, anyway.

I drank more coffee than I should have. I piddled around here and there on the ‘net, and I took a long time to get dressed.

When I finally made it to the park, I could barely put one foot in front of the other. I wasn’t walking; I was trudging.  After having trudged about 20 minutes, though, I noticed my pace increasing. By the time I hit 30 I felt okay, and by the time I hit 40, I felt pretty damned good. ‘

I think that’s exactly how things are right now.  Post-graduation, I’m at about the 25 minute mark right now.

Okay, so I’m not officially here quite yet,

But I’m not falling all over myself avoiding things, either.

Continue reading Back From Black

Just For Today

…I’m not going to ask why. Just today, I won’t wonder a thing to death. Why is unimportant. Why doesn’t mean anything in the big picture.

I won’t wonder why, or why not. Or how or when or what for.
I will just be incredibly, incredibly grateful.

All Over Again

I was taking my usual walk in the park yesterday evening, this time right before sunset.

The honeysuckle have wilted, but it seems the dandelions are everywhere. I stopped, thinking to make a wish, when the whole thing fell to the ground before I even breathed.

My wish literally never got off the ground.

And now it’s gone forever.

This time it’s my grandmother. In the hospital. Not dead, but without life. My stupid, selfish wish that I hadn’t fucked around so much that not a single grandparent would see me graduate.

Stupid. Selfish. She’s bleeding to death, not even conscious, and this is what I wished for.

Or would have, anyway.

Continue reading All Over Again

Why Today is the Best Friday in a Long, Long Time

1) I slept till almost 7. Woke up without an alarm.

2) I don’t have to work this weekend.

3) At approximately noon, I’ll be turning in two of my assignments, leaving me only with my paper for the Bear (which I actually sort of understand part of how Lacan and Foucoult and Freud apply, thus allowing me SOMETHING to write about with a source!) and a WHOLE WEEK TO WRITE IT IN!!!

4) My day’s plans consist of finishing up those assignments, turning it in, getting jacked up on Starbucks, and coming home to get started on The Bear’s paper. And a nap, somewhere in there.

5) I have clean sheets.

6) Did I mention I don’t have to work this weekend? Next weekened, either, for that matter.

Eight days til graduation. Good heavens, I never thought I’d be this close.

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