Starting Over and All That Jazz

I turned 40 a few months back, and have spent the past few months, well, struggling.

Over a year ago, I had begun pulling down my posts here at WordPress, attempting to consolidate my online presence as I was attempting to launch a writing business. I was attempting to plan an exit strategy from my current job, and hoping that the writing would be somewhat profitable in a year so that it would allow me to go part time at work to maintain health benefits and  but shift my focus to writing.

I had formed the company, purchased a domain, and paid a goodly amount of money for someone to design it for me. I had vision; I had focus; I had the enthusiasm of a kid the night before Christmas.

And then I got sick again.

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in 2003, and it was several years after that I discovered I have Hashimoto’s disease, an autoimmune disorder which, to be honest, I still don’t understand.  In the 11 years that I’ve struggled with this, I don’t think my thyroid has been within normal range for more than three months in a row. It’s caused weight gain, overwhelming depression, and a sense of exhaustion that words fail to explain.

Which is okay, because that’s not what this post is about.  Just a set up.

Continue reading Starting Over and All That Jazz

Mindfulness, Mirth, and Money

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One of my greatest spiritual teachers has been (and continues to be) money.

It sounds strange, even to my ears.

When I think of spiritual teachers, I think of the Buddha, Jesus,  St. Francis, Rumi. Saints and Sufis, philosophers and monks.  I think of men and women who have demonstrated spiritual law, who have lived godly lives, who have magnified peace and compassion.

I don’t necessarily think of things. Especially not money-type things. After all, love of money is the root of all evil (or all kinds of evil, depending on your biblical version); it doesn’t seem to be an expressly spiritual thing.

And yet money seems to be my first–and longest lasting–teacher in mindfulness.

I first started paying attention to where I spent my money when it seemed I was running out of it.  I had, month after month, mindlessly paid my bills and without ever paying attention to them.  Why? I had enough to pay for them. It was only when my “safety net” dropped below my “acceptable” threshhold that I really started to pay attention.

I noticed how very much I was spending in a nation-wide “big box” store, a store, I might add, who promised to save me lots and lots of money.  I hated going to this store, everything about it was unpleasant, from the struggle to find a parking space to the obviously unhappy cashiers. The chain has a horrible reputation both for poor customer service and for the way it treats its employees.

I knew all of these things.  But yet, I went.

Because it was convenient. It was convenient, I found, to be able to buy light bulbs, socks, and milk all in the same place. It had everything I needed.  And then some.

As I became more aware of my distaste for the store, I began shopping at local stand-alone grocery stores. The prices were higher, I noted, in some cases much higher. So, for a while, I vacillated, torn between the better service and quality of the grocery store and the lower overall prices of the big box store.

And a strange thing happened. Continue reading Mindfulness, Mirth, and Money

Cure Fear Now

If ever there were a bumper sticker that should be made, this is it, I think.

I’ve long held the belief that fear is the antithesis of all that is good, and, as such, is the source of all that is evil. Greed, dishonesty, even violent crime and war, to me, can all be traced back to fear. Fear of not having enough, fear of not being thought of as good enough, fear of loss and lack of power.

Fear.

Yesterday was the 30th day of my 30 Day Challenge, and, wow, what a month. I lost sight of it at times, I plain didn’t want to do it at times (which was, perhaps, the most telling realization), and I succeeded far more than I wanted to at times.

Continue reading Cure Fear Now

Connection


My phone is dead, dead, dead. Dried out and flipped open, it still wouldn’t turn on. I keep thinking that I’ll get it taken care of, but I’ve been turned on to the Iphone which would require my changing carriers, and I have a single month till my contract expires.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do. I check my messages daily, and it seems strange that no one leaves their number despite an explicit request to.

“Hi. This is Nancy’s phone and she killed me. She drowned me in the swamp at the DeSoto National Forest, so please leave your name, AND your number, and she’ll get back to you as soon as she can.”

Most of my messages are along the lines of, “Haha! You killed your phone! Call me back.”

Ugh.

Continue reading Connection

Communication Breakdown

Despite thunderous call-response drumming in the sky yesterday morning, I decided to brave the hike alone. I bumbled around a bit Wednesday morning, listening to the radio in the sky, and finally, I decided screw it. There are far worse things than walking in the rain, and I had been looking forward to this for a week.

Give or take the rest of my life, really.

My dad has a hairline fracture in his foot, so was out of commission, much to both of our disappointments.
So, without GPS but with fully charged camera batteries, I went. It was a completely different experience this time, in part because, although I was completely alone, I really wasn’t.

I stopped and sighed at the lotus pond, my pond, I think, although it’s a bit egoistic to say that. I do think of it as my pond. Although, there’s a bit of flawed language there, something that I was pondering while actually sighing at the pond, but that will have to be a post for another day.

Suffice it to say, I do feel that it is, in a sense, my pond.

Continue reading Communication Breakdown

Good-bye, George

I didn’t always agree with him, but I didn’t have to.

Carlin was a Fool-with-a-capital-F in a court of errant knights. No matter the greatness of his fanbase, I think his scope of his influence can only be underestimated.

Many people preached the message, but it was Carlin that drove it home: laughter disempowers and breaks down tragedy into comedic, digestible pieces.

Most celebrities don’t even blip my radar, but he will be sincerely mourned.

Warning: Carlin language ahead.

I’m Brilliant, No, Really, I Am

How do you know that this is the experience that you need? Because it’s the one you’re having right now.

I’m not sure where I came across that gem, but it’s something I need to keep in mind.

I was so excited Tuesday night, I could barely sleep.

I went to bed early, even tried to go to sleep early, and still couldn’t sleep. I was like a kid on Christmas Eve.

I set the alarm for oh-five-hundred. I packed toilet paper, a couple of snacks, toilet paper, water, toilet paper, a first aid kit, and toilet paper. I made sure I had comfortable shoes and good socks. I was ready to rock and roll.

I lovingly placed my phone and my camera batteries in their respective chargers. The next morning, I limited my coffee intake (and, yet still managed to squeeze a bit in), stumbled around, gathered my supplies and toilet paper, and prided myself on remembering my phone and camera in its fancy-schmancy Crown Royal bag that is being used as a camera bag.

It seemed like it took 9 years to get there, but really, it was only a 45 minute drive to the hiking trail. It’s in DeSoto National Forest, and it was definitely worth the ride.

Continue reading I’m Brilliant, No, Really, I Am

Friday the 13th

Strange things happen on Friday the 13th around me.

This year, not so much.

Yesterday, as I was out and about, tutoring in the Writing Center, I stopped thinking about what I needed to / should / would do. We didn’t have any clients (but that will change, thanks to The Bear making a WC appointment mandatory for his class, and his class having over 40 students), so I spent most of the time google-reading Aldous Huxley’s Perennial Philosophy.

It’s a great book, an exciting and validating book, actually, but it’s an incredibly long book, since I’m having to google a quite a bit to get a handle on it. Frustrating, but ultimately very, very rewarding.

Continue reading Friday the 13th

30 Day Challenge: Days 7, 8, & 9

So this challenge thing isn’t going so well.

I thought I’d do little things and be able to track my progress. If anything, I’ve regressed. (Or is it transgressed? A year later, I don’t remember the difference between transgressive and regressive sequences).

I did do something I never thought I’d do, however, and that is to make an appointment with a rape counselor. It’s next week, and I have no idea what to expect. I just know that what I’m doing simply isn’t working.  I almost feel like I’m giving up, no, I do feel that I’m giving up.  I’m still dealing with a lot of residual stuff in addition to this apathy that overwhelms me on most days.

But anyway, there it is.

On the bright side, I’m reading Aldous Huxley’s Perennial Philosophy. Fantastic stuff.

30 Day Challenge: Days 5 & 6

“One decision changes your entire reality. But that one decision you have to make again and again and again–until it becomes natural to live in such a way.”

Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth, (201).

Yesterday and today were tough days. I found myself caught up in wishing things were a certain way, that this had been done, that I had already done that. I’m aware of it, though, and I suppose that’s something.

I found out my diploma was on hold, things I had already taken care of were showing, well, not-taken care of. Rather than arguing, I just went through the steps again, and I noticed I was a bit more detached.

Well, except for about five minutes when I was sitting in the middle of the USM lobby, right next to the Financial Aid office, talking to Mike about how useless the Financial Aid officers were and how I wish the Universe had decided to grace them with personalities and a modicum of talent that exceeded their ability to sit behind a desk and be decidedly unhelpful.

Um, yeah.

Continue reading 30 Day Challenge: Days 5 & 6

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