learningtocry.wordpress.com

One good one.

That’s all that matters.

Things are easier now.

It can be done.

Do you ever have those nights where you just want to stay home and eat peanut butter?

Lol!

I went to a new eye doctor today who told me to wash my eyelashes with baby soap and tea tree oil.  Uh, no.  I think I’ll pass.  Next year.  Different eye doctor.  But, I will get some super cool glasses next week.  $400 but I am very excited!  I’ve had my current glasses for over 4 years.  I can’t even remember when or where I got them to tell you the truth.

My eyesight has barely changed as far as my nearsightedness in over four years. But I did get a pair of reading glasses recently at the local health food store.  Even though I want to be totally immune to aging, I haven’t mastered it completely.  The tiny print keeps getting tinier.  And in addition to the slight vision changes, more lines have started to appear on my face.  And hey, what the hell?!?  Why do I look like an alien when I hang upside down?  You know, like in forward fold or down dog (yoga speak here).  It’s especially frightening in Acroyoga when my acro partner is subjected to it.   Today I visited the eye doctor and chiropractor.  Soon, the dermatologist.  Hopefully she will have some answers.  I am packing in all of the visits at the same time.   Put it all off, then do it all at the same time.  That’s my motto.

I credit my Qigong practice and my limited use of my eye wear for my stable eyesight.  I want to ramp up those eye exercises.  Today’s eye doctor wanted to prescribe eye drops although I told him I don’t have issues with dry eyes or any of the other symptoms he mentioned.  But he is a doctor.  And I did sees pens in the lobby from pharmaceutical companies.  He also mentioned warm compresses.  Well that does sound nice and relaxing.  So it might be worth consideration.  He said occular melanoma, which my mother had, was caused by sun exposure.  My research in years passed, stated that was a hypothesis, that they really didn’t know for sure at this point.  It is very rare.  But I guess if it’s hereditary then that’s good.  My dad had colon cancer so the new pcp I went to a few weeks ago said I needed a colonoscopy.  Yikes.  She was quite determined to set up an appointment for one.  I said okay to September but have’t heard of an actual date for an appointment yet.   Who wants someone up in their butt hole?   Oh, well, ha ha.  I guess there are plenty of people who do, like gay men, those who have a preference for it, anyway. But, well, it’s just not my thing.

I skipped my yoga class tonight, as the weather was bad.  It has cleared off and most likely would have been fine.  But, I’m not much of a gambler so I aired on the side of caution as there was rain and lightening and a severe thunderstorm warning.  My students seemed chill with the decision.  Don’t mess with Mother Nature.

Speaking of Mother Nature.  I’m not keeping up with the news lately.  My friend told me Saturday what is happening in Hawaii.  If I was Christian, I might believe Armageddon was brewing.   These past several years Mother has been very angry at her children and has expressed it in so many creative ways.  None of us are immune.  Tornadoes are the flavor in my area of the world.  And flooding.

This season for me is about renewal.  I am in more of a yin zone.  The cool spring breeze makes me feel relaxed and content.  I want to do less and chill more.  To just be.  To be in nature. To create.  Have philosophical conversations with friends.  To connect with ladies.  And dudes.  Not like that.  Haha.  Friends.  Although there was that sexy dancer at the club the other night.  Omg!!!  Now, that is for sure what my future partner must possess.  Stellar dancing skills.  In a natural way.   He and I will communicate through dance.  It is so important to me.  It is a natural language which we all have inside of us I believe.  Each of us has a unique accent.

I’ve decided, as I mentioned in my morning writing, that I want daily physical contact.  Today it was in the form of my chiropractic treatment.  The new doctor uses physical manipulation.  Prior I had always requested the use of a tool called an activator as I didn’t want someone jumping on me!  Well, I obviously have changed a lot in the past several years.  : )  Anyway, he doesn’t use the activator and told me he would be gentle.  It ended up being kind of fun.  Haha.  Some twisting and stretching and wrapping my leg around his back.  Lol!  True dat!  Then on top of me while on my side.  Boom.  Not too hard doc.  I’m a delicate flower.  Crack crack crack.  First the hip, then the back.

What about the people who never go to chiropractic, massage, yoga?  Who are they?  Is it you out there, dear reader? I couldn’t urge you enough, go, go, go!  But first you must find someone very skilled.

I believe with that, I will be off now.  Off to eat my peanut butter.  Then I must choose whether to do the things which I have on my list, or just drift off to sleep.

Until we meet again……..

I wipe the sleep from my eyes.

Another day.

Sometimes things are redundant.

I get bored with my life.

Find it hard to get motivated.

What’s really the point

of it all?

Same bedroom, same kitchen, same

everything.

I had a dream that I was married to a very old,

very ugly man.

I knew we needed to get a divorce,

but it was hard.  I knew it would be

hard.  The boys were still boys.

There was a tent in the living room.

There was a girl, a relative, but really

my friend Suzie.  She asked if she could

help me with anything.  I was so touched by

this.  She was also a representation of a daughter

for me.

I thought, wow, my sons have never asked me that.

I was very touched and grateful.

She waited patiently.  She was going to make

a list of the things I wanted help with.

I kept getting distracted.

I wanted to tell her but couldn’t seem to.

We moved the tent out of the living room.

It seems like something fell and broke.

I think it was a lamp.

Something about turning a lamp on as well.

There were two.  Maybe one didn’t work.

Later I walked outside and right off of a roof

landing on my feet on the ground.  I wasn’t a crazy

distance but I was startled.  I thought others

who had left the house had gone that way

so I followed.  A big part of the wall came falling down.

It was brick.  I want to stay home and do nothing.

Stop writing about my dreams.  Maybe I just need a

vacation.  In real life.  To wake up between some

new walls.  Meet new people.  See new things.

Pause.

I need to go to the bathroom.

I still feel tired.

My eyes are goopy.

I get tired of always having to do more.

Find more gigs.  But when things stay

the same, I get bored.

A few possibilities….

get a part-time job, get a manager for my

business, scrap it all and do something else.

I know I have to have flexibility in my

schedule.  Need to go different places,

not be stuck at one place.

Interact with different people

regularly.  Help people.

Not sit at a desk.

Stand and have movement throughout my day.

Work a 6 hour work day.

I’m looking to make passive income.

Will research ways and look at a few

money sites that I am connected with.

Now I shall meditate.

I see the number.

It’s there everyday.

5:30 sharp

tearing my heart apart.

A missed call

never returned.

Where is he?

Where does he go everyday?

Is he okay?

Is he afraid, terrified?

I would be.

Living among teenage terrorists.

How can we keep going this way?

They tell me it will be okay.

There is nothing I can do.

I am not a complacent person.

But sometimes I listen to them

and believe they are right.

Tonight.

Tonight.

I am lonely again.

No one should have to be alone.

How many of us are there

out there

who want to be loved?

I want to understand my role.

The part I play.

I need to reprogram.

I have worked hard

but have much more to do.

It’s apparent

I can’t see it.

Not yet.

I’m sad.

Sad.

And lonely.

So many false starts.

So many misinterpretations.

I take it to heart.

I take it to heart.

I miss my people.

Have to not tune them out.

Act as though I have none.

I have miss my Kung Fu family.

I will stop pushing them aside.

Writing group was also overlooked.

I don’t realize the impact.

Until after the fact.

Until after the fact.

I want him to be real.

I’m afraid.

Afraid of being hurt.

Again.

Trust is a thing.

Broken.

What then?

Then I say,

“Who are you?

Are you real?

Will you leave me?”

I’ve been losing things.

Will I know when I’m losing my mind?

Will they tell me?

I’m hungry.

What’s new?

A reoccurring theme.

I have other things to do.

Why did the man tonight pick me?

There were others in the park.

He was friendly.

I think we were both lonely.

I thought he liked me.

A new friend maybe.

A fun in-the-moment crush

that wouldn’t last.

An interesting conversation,

perhaps.

Company

at night, in the park.

Isn’t that what I wished for?

Why do I attract them?

Is it my scent?

I need to start being more specific with my requests.

He told me of his trauma.

Shared the odd details.

I know.  He was lonely too.

But why me?

He told me he was gay.

Misread.

I ran to my car after dark

Sometimes things spook me.

I didn’t trust his honesty.

What will my life look like in six months?

Scary.

Will my new friend

hang in there?

Does he have the capacity?

I sure hope so.

The fear of abandonment

has not completely left me.

So I worry sometimes.

The others moved away.

Do I want to stay?

Sure.

For now.

I am supposed to be dreaming big.

Embracing my passions.

But I haven’t been feeling it.

I need to mark the calendar for future meetings.

With my new sisters.

We are dreaming together.

Creating.

Sharing.

Learning.

Growing.

Maybe they are lonely too.

I will write her a letter soon.

“Dear Loneliness, How are you doing?”

But, for now

sleep needs to take precedence.

Nighttime can be hard.

Mornings will bring me light.

Goodnight.

 

 

Isn’t this the kind of day you scrap everything and head towards the river?

 

 

She told me to create an alter based on my Desires.

I added your image.

A candle, a star, a piece of bone and a rose.

She said, “Light the candle so you can see clearly.”

The wax from the candle dripped onto your skin.

I’m calling you into my life.

Can you hear me?

Copyright Suzanne Norton 2018

 

 

 

Desire is the theme.

The archetype we are studying.

I am excited!

I love this stuff.

I wonder, all of the sudden

if Tosh is still out there.

Are you out there?

Funny thing,

now I know two Tosh’s.

Such a cool name.

I’m transported to a carefree childhood

on the breeze that just snuck in the window.

I preferred climbing trees and riding my bike

to being inside.

The creek, the river, the rocks, the woods.

My percussion exploration, sketchbook, pen in hand

filled my time.

I didn’t use the word lonely.

I didn’t understand.

Now I know I need people for

sustenance.

It’s a new thing.  I’m still

trying to figure it out.

I had thoughts of Annie

and her place on the lake.

I’d like to go there again,

but her unavailability

has hurt my heart in the past.

So, I have to be careful.

To protect myself.

I set an intention to carve out a huge

space for Desire.

Our current archetype.

I love that I can write whatever

the hell I want.

I resist being confined,

told what to do.

Another lady in the group

expressed the same thing.

I was glad to hear that.

My space is huge and open.

Space for Desires to fill up

and be fulfilled.

Guilt-free.

I love the freedom of this Jungian journey.

In Buddhism Desire is a bad word.

Something to be avoided.

It causes suffering.

I have never totally agreed with this.

It is really the clinging that causes the suffering.

It is important to have desire.

It is important to breath

and breath new life into things.

To dream, to wish, to hope.

Without this life is dull, dark,

lifeless.

Clinging to our desires with clenched talons

is not good.

But Desire in and of itself,

well she is a lovely Goddess.

I will dance with her,

long red hair flowing in the wind.

In her long white dress made of linen.

She loves to dance in the meadow

with her shoes off and flowers

in her hair.

She is not a seductress as some may accuse.

You are on your own terms with her.

She is carefree and full of love.

She gives it away freely to those who

seek her out.

He dance is spontaneous and unrestricted.

She dances in tropical spaces as well.

On beaches and in cities.

Wherever she is called upon

she will travel.

She is beauty, light, and freedom.

She holds no judgement.

It is not possible for her to do so.

It is my time to be her partner.

I’ve kicked my shoes off.

I am ready.

 

 

Do I start with my dreams?

The words are small this morning.

How are you?

I’m hungry but well-rested.

It’s wonderful to wake from a good night’s sleep.

I pile the blankets up for support.

The heat comes.

What were my dreams?

This space is too large.

Writing is meant for small contained spaces.

Spaces in the mind.

It’s important to stay inside.

To not lose that place of slumber

some of us call the subconscious.

I like that word.

Sub.

Beneath.

In my dream I was inside my house.

Not this house

but the house in my dream.

It is always a different house.

I was in the bathroom

then went into another room.

When I cam back Brett had gone in

and gotten into the shower.

I was mad as I was going to

come back and get into the shower.

I either yelled “Mom” to tell on him.

Or just thought about it.

More like he was my sibling

and not my son.

I don’t remember seeing my mom there.

But I guess she was,

or I thought she was.

I went into my bedroom.

I had a regular size window

that slid open from the side

instead of bottom to top.

The window was open.

I was concerned about this

as I was sure I hadn’t opened it.

Today I could go to the woods.

It’s a feeling.

That spring feeling coming in

through my real bedroom window

which I did open.

In my dream there were children outside

getting ready to go to school.

Lots of children.

They were going to catch the bus.

The bus had not arrived yet.

They were dressed nicely.

All were white it seemed.

Some struck me as Amish by the dress.

There were a few kids coming from the other direction.

There dad was with them.

Everyone was walking.  I was watching.

It was an apartment complex

and they were all in the parking lot.

The dad and kids seemed very happy.

Playful.

I watched not wanting anyone to see

I was watching them.

I think a few might have caught a glimpse.

This embarrassed me.

Everyone seemed very happy.

I think I felt separate from them.

Maybe a little left out up there

in that bedroom by myself.

I’m writing for me again.

It doesn’t matter if you read this.

Although I welcome any visitors

and greatly appreciate your time and attention.

I know there is a lot out there to read.

I’m still hungry.

I had the best peanut butter on the planet

last night.

Omg!  And I’ve tried a lot of peanut butter.

It is made at a commune – Eastwind,

in Southern Missouri.

Maybe I will go visit.

I used to consider living at a commune.

Now I want to start my own.

Actual, a tiny intentional community.

That makes me happy.

It also makes me happy to have my fingers move

across the keys.  The movement.  The pressure.

The sound.  Click, click, click.

I want the artists to come.

The writers.

Those who care about the world.

About the planet.

About love, and doing their part here.

The passionate playful ones

who are not constrained by the

construct of age and aging.

Beautiful souls who long for

deeper connection.

Deeper understanding

instead of a shallow existence.

Those who are intent on learning

and growing.

Reaping and sewing.

We want to understand people

and the meaning of life.

To take care of ourselves and

each other.

We will be a family.

With compost in the backyard

and a compost potty or two inside.

The cats will have trees to climb

and people to love them.

Three always seems like the magic

number to me.

Although will three

leave an odd man out?

Odd woman out?

She told me to dream big.

Or maybe those were my words.

I’m hungry.

We will meditate

and look for that deeper place of

consciousness.

Am I taking up too much space here?

With all of my lines?

It’s easier to read.

Clear and concise.

Why am I not worried?

Anxious about finding a place?

Why am I not telling myself my usual story?

“I’m not doing anything.” Or “I’m not doing enough.”

The belief being that if I didn’t worry,

nothing would get done.  If I didn’t try

to put the fire out.  Functioning in micro-

panic mode.

I saw my stomach last night when I bent over.

I had taken my shirt off to do handstands

at 11:00 at night.

I’m not sure why.

It’s just what I felt like doing.

I had looked for photos yesterday

online.

Photos of real women’s bodies.

Women’s bodies showing the effects

of bearing children.

Some bodies looked like mine.

There is too much skin now.

Is that hard to read?

I don’t want to look gross.

I want to look beautiful.

There is too much skin now.

But I am eternally grateful to

this magical body.

For changing, stretching, growing

to make the needed space for my sons.

Amazing.

Now it will not go back.

Sometimes surgery is a consideration.

But I’m too scared.  What if I died?

I don’t want to die for vanity.

I will ask a friend.

I believe someone told me she had it done.

She had gained a lot of weight,

then lost it.

So, she had the same results.

Joan Rivers died in plastic surgery.

Kanye West’s mom may have died as a result

of complications.  I’m not sure if that is conclusive.

There are conflicting stories.

I’m not a big risk taker.

Well I guess that’s all a matter of

perspective.

I am willing to follow my dreams.

I’m just throwing what I write out there lately.

No editing.

Hoping to come back at another time

to tidy up.

I love you.

Goodbye.