Spring Morning

Posted on May 5, 2018 by Suzanne

I just got up.

I want to wear purple instead of black and grey.

I think I need to move out west.

Tears streaming down to my chest.

I don’t care.

He scolded me.

He.

The other one sent him.

Screw them.

I don’t want to work for someone else anyway.

I will not be owned.

I will not be controlled.

I can make it on my own.

I will not put up with being treated this way.

So many memories of last night.

What is real?

The plants in my windowsill?

I love them.

I want to love my new space.

To not get into the space of fear.

I want the woods.

Where the hell are my people?

My mother and father are dead.

My aunt does not respond.

Does she not love me anymore?

Did I say the wrong thing.

Oh yes my little girl.

Or my young adolescent girl.

I saw her yesterday.

I love her.

The tears come now.

She turned to me when I showed interest in her well-being.

I felt honored.

And I didn’t let her down.

Maybe my students are the ones I need to embrace.

I always love them unconditionally.

Have I let my children down?

Why can’t we be a family?

I turn towards people that aren’t my tribe

then wonder why I feel lonely inside.

I think I’m getting closer.

I need to take a trip.

The times in between are getting closer and closer.

I love that.

I didn’t used to need it.

Or I didn’t know it.

I just want to be loved.

I want a god-damned healthy love.

I go towards that which I know is not sustainable.

Should I just write?

I need someone to live with.

This will be my intention setting.

Without holding onto any notions of how that will look.

Letting go of all control.

The leaves block my view now.

Spring is here.

The air brings my voice back.

I love her.

She wears a long black

sheer flowing dress.

This day is almost too wonderful.

I think it’s hard to accept the love.

She/I used to walk by the creek.

Was there loneliness in each and every home.

I will spend time with her.

With loneliness.

She needs my attention.

I get tired of eating.

Why didn’t I buy my pink grapefruit last night?

I bought apple instead.

Breakfast of fruit and tea on a Saturday morning is sweet love.

So many things are love.

The breeze.

My Slovenian poet whom I’ve yet to meet.

Should I live there for six months?

Teach English.

I told the man in my dream,

the one who scolded me,

let’s do Tai Chi.

He said okay.

Then I left.

The house I ended up at housed my sister-in-law and others.

Including girl children and two kittens.

My two kitties started trying to wake me up at 4:00 a.m. to each.

I fed them at 6:00.

I’m hungry and need to go to the bathroom.

The new doctor told me I need a colonoscopy.

My father had colon cancer.  They removed a large

portion of his colon.   Before that his nose.

I’m not joking.  How are these things true?

She said I was a higher risk because of my

father.  I’d never thought of this.

But then again I  had.

I don’t worry about getting cancer like my ex.

I don’t consider myself having some pre-destined future.

I have know idea what my life will be like.

Upon writing that, I imagined a tropical existence.

Can I live in a peaceful beautiful place and forget

that evil exists?  At least for a little while?

Or would I feel too guilty not helping to make the

world a more peaceful place?

I think I just need a break.

Where will I study yoga?

In June?

Another meditation and inquiry from others.

Find a forum perhaps.

I don’t have to be the Lone Ranger.

Remember him?

I you still with me?

It doesn’t matter.

I just realized my divorce date has come and gone.

Three years.

That means my mother was buried before that.

Right?

I have blocked the year from my mind.

I remember leaving a meeting and talking to Earl.

He told me she was not doing well.

I think my Aunt called when she finally died.

Or was it Earl again?

I was trying to build my new life as she was dying.

She told me not to leave her there with him.

I din’t feel guilty when I walked out the door.

“Aunt Nancy will be here tomorrow.”

My brother and his family lived down the road.

I didn’t call to tell them to come over.

We can’t always see what is in front of us in the moment.

Can I stay here and write?

Can I feel the love of this day.

Sometimes I am so content being alone.

On a day like this.

My friend and I walked in the woods yesterday.

We got in several hugs.

I thought he wanted to kiss me there.

And  I, him.

When I saw him later he was hugging someone else and didn’t

pay me much attention.

I often think there is something more than there is.

It seems to be a pattern.

I love kids.

Maybe I will go get Mitchell’s blocks out of the other room.

I have so many ideas.

I’m hungry.

Children.

Is that the answer?

Teaching always floats to the surface.

This is a connection I love.

Teaching is another place I find love.

Writing.

Nature.

Connecting intellectually,

physically.

Movement.

The blue sky.

Swimming in my pool.

I need to move.

It is time.

The energy is strong.

I am not worried.

I am making efforts

and not telling myself otherwise.

I was jealous of the people there last night with children.

I wanted that for my family.

These children seemed to want to be there.

Mine always complained about things like that.

“Why do we have to go there?”

Especially the oldest.

I want a family again.

So bad.

Now I know how my sister felt.

It is heart-wrenching.

They are alive though.

They are in the same town.

What if I moved and they were still here.

I think it shouldn’t be permanent.

Are vacations long enough?

The people last night don’t like me that much.

There is always a weirdness between us.

Not all of us though.  I need to remember that.

I wonder how her partner can be so amazingly sweet.

What’s that like?

Jesse, Em, Tyler, Chris.  They accept me. Love me.

I’ve moved to the dining room to eat my breakfast now.

My tablet sitting onto of the little stool he made me.

On top of a book.

On top of the makeshift standing desk I made.

It feels so gloriously stable.  I love it!

My little standing desk, wooden shelf on top of a keyboard stand.

My little tablet the unwavering and the perfect height.

I will get a tall bar table so I can stand and do my work

like this.   Who needs to sit down?

Unless it is on the bedroom floor which I will return to after

eating my breakfast of an apple and a cup of Jasmine tea.

I think the floor is the best place to write.

I need a closed in space not the openness of my other living spaces.

Are you still with me on this ramble?

Rambling is important.

It takes us places we would never go otherwise.

Will it take me to Costa Rica or some other tropical place?

Sometimes I just have to not think about it and do it.

Like when I went to Colorado.

And, of course, that always leads me to Brian.

I don’t love him anymore.  But I do love the memory

of love.

I’ve moved from the dining room back to the bedroom floor.

I can see my reflection in the screen.

I don’t want to see it.

Does it have to be complicated?

I say no.

I’ve traded standing for sitting on my pink yoga blanket

back against my meditation cushion and several blankets

feet propped up on the stool and book my computer was on.

I love this.  Especially feet propped up on book and stool.

Feet touching the window sill next resting next to my sweet little plants.

Threes.  One two three.

This may go on for days.

Do I have to leave?

I will switch gears now.

Shower, body work, yoga and exercises in the field

clean house, maybe go for a nature walk,

then afternoon hike with a friend.

Ciao!

 

 

 

 

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The Opening

Posted on May 3, 2018 by Suzanne

I’ve opened the door for you.

You’re welcome to stay.

We can climb trees and eat cherry pie.

I’ll hold you

when you need to cry.

There’s room in my heart now.

And in my home.

I am grateful to have you back in my life.

There’s no need to remain in that big empty place

such a cavernous lonely space.   For a girl your age.

Sometimes the youngest gets left behind.

Do daughters repeat their mother’s sins?

Wrongdoings are hard to see

until the moment has past.

Unmet needs continue to harm others’ hearts.

Creating new wounds.  Alone.  In the dark.

Push repeat.

Another cycle.

The next generation will be better.

We promise.

Again.

I love you, I say.

I’ll wipe the tears from your cheeks,

when you’re crying.

And remember,

I will always keep trying.

 

 

 

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Monday Morning Dreaming

Posted on May 3, 2018 by Suzanne

It was the guy who works at the large health food chain.  I saw him yesterday.  We spoke momentarily.  In the dream we were cuddling.  It was a bit odd.  I was surprised he wanted to connect with me in this way as he seems quite young.  Like in his 20s.  He could be in his early 30s and just look young.  I really am clueless when it comes to age these days.

He gradually tried to move things to a more sexual direction but I steered him away from that.  I don’t know that it felt good to cuddle with him.  I think it actually just felt weird.  A little uncomfortable as we are not connected in this way.  I was worried that my dad would come home.  The bed we were in, my bed, was oriented the same as the one I am lying in now.  It is adjacent to the front door of the apartment.  I was thinking my dad would walk in the front door and see us on the bed.  Granted, we were fully clothed but still that would be awkward.

I never dream about my dad.  He died in 1999.  I do think there was  little bit of sweetness in connecting with my friend from the grocery store.  Then we started checking our phones to see if we had messages.  I had messages about going out dancing.  So it was time to switch gears.

It seems my cuddle partner just disappeared.  My dad never appeared, and I began getting ready to go out.  Thinking I may be late.  Or it was late to go out.  I saw a FB post for a potluck that was going on at Tai Chi class.  My original Tai Chi class that I don’t attend anymore since separating myself from my teacher.  My teacher who is like a father figure.

I wanted to go to the potluck.  The pictures of the food that were posted looked great.  It was happening at that very moment and I didn’t think I could get ready and get over there in time, so I was bummed about that.

I’m getting very tired.  The result of staying up so late.  The consequences of my choices.  I am also hungry.  It is daylight outside now.  I am still in my bed, facing my floor to ceiling windows.  The curtains are open for me to see the world.  The window also open.  The birds singing.  I will have to make sure windows open before signing a lease on any house.   I have a call in to look at one today.  And still waiting to hear about the one on West Walnut.  Trying to be patient but I am confused as to why I haven’t heard back from them.  The kitchen cabinets are so tall I will literally need a step ladder to reach them.  And there are only two.  There is no microwave.  Not sure how these things will work out.

Dreams.  There were women.  I think we were all getting ready to go dancing.  I think Brett was in my dreams.  He was not an adult.  Maybe a teenageer.  I could so easlity fall back to sleep here as I type with my eyes closed.

We were in a pre-school but no chiclren were there.  There was a lady somewhat lke Laura, my sifu’s partner.

I need to eat something, meditate, do stretches and exercises.  I wonder if I would be able to include my stretching and exercise into my nighttime routine.  Do I have a nighttime routine?  Would any of my friends want to read my words?  Or only strangers?

I don’t really like to eat.  It is necessity.  I have not been eating very well lately.  I have feelings of connecting with the man in the dream now as I lye here writing.  They are nice comfy feelings.  I feel lucky to live where I do.  My apartment has been perfect.  I have a room of my own, as Virginia talked about.  I’m learning how to earn the money.  My room is big enough for me to write in, meditate in, practice yoga, store my books and my clothing.  Floor to ceiling windows let me connect with nature and feel somewhat connected to others living in the complex as I look out at the building across from me.

I think about the musician who said he would contact me for meditation consultation.  I haven’t heard from him yet.  I hope he will follow through.  I need to pick up another client and he would be nice to work with.  He knows his goal so that would make getting started easy.  Maybe I am rattling on and it would be a good time to stop.

Until we meet again…..

Ciao

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Poet from Slovenia

Posted on May 3, 2018 by Suzanne

I eat oranges, avocados, and chocolate bark.

I want to stay up all night drinking nettle tea, feeling the breeze, writing poetry.

I think about my poet from Slovenia again, as choking noises come from the direction of my cat.  I feel so sorry for him.  I hope it’s just a hairball and not some terrible disease.  Referring to my cat, that is, not my Slovenian poet.

Are you still up too?

Why are there so many lines between my sentences?  WordPress can be a pain in the butt.  I think ass would sound better there.  I never say that word.  The other night, while dancing with me at the night club, a gay guy told me that he loved my ass.

This blog can be so glitchy and klunky.  Isn’t klunky a word?  Why the red lines?  I want to use the letter k.  It’s much more interesting than a boring c.

It’s easy to feel pissed off at 12:00 a.m.

I hear sounds, wondering if they are safe.  Has an unknown neighbor lost his mind or is he just having a good time?

Sometimes the line between terror and joy can be thin.

I love my bedroom.

My refrigerator is a mess.

Why do you read my words?

I met myself in therapy today.  A young teen of thirteen.  I liked her.  She was lonely living in that old house in the country; but I’m not ready to let her move in with me quite yet.

It’s raining now.  The night is different.  What would it be like if I didn’t sleep?

Nighttime is lonely.  That’s why I came here.  I like the bed facing the windows.  It’s fun looking out on the other apartments from my bird’s eye view on the third floor.

The breeze feels simply delicious as it starts to rain a little harder.  Glorious.  Who would want to miss this show?  It is a whole other world at midnight.  I see the lights on across the way.  The neighbor playing his video games; the one who was screaming like a banshee earlier.  I wondered if I should call the police.  I’ve called so many time since moving to the city four years ago.  I’m not afraid that they will shoot someone, like other people fear these days.  I think our cops are safe.

I see movement in the other apartment now.  I don’t usually have my curtains open but I am loving the show.  The parking lot filling with rain.  The River Birch blowing in the wind.  Lightning zigzagging across the sky.

My eyes are getting heavy.  I don’t want to think about consequences.

The floor creaks above me.

In the morning there will be laundry, bills, house cleaning.  Best to put those things out of my mind.  This moment is precious.  My bed is comfortable.

I will honestly have to succumb soon.  I tell my students?

Listen to your body.  I have to heed my own advice.

I training am going to yoga training June.

I may have a new teaching gig.  First time someone has told me they were impressed after checking me out online.

I love knowing I’m helping my students.

“This class was just what I needed.”

“I feel better now.  Not so stiff.  I’m more relaxed.”

That is why I am on this planet. To make a difference.

I will let the rain serenade me to sleep now.

In the morning I’ll listen to my new favorite thing ~ my Spotify playlist.

Thank you for listening/reading my words.

Your support means the world to me.

Goodnight love.

 

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Title

Posted on May 2, 2018 by Suzanne

This will have to be a quick write.  I kept hitting snooze.  I have my Wednesday morning Qigong class to teach.  And yoga tonight.  Writing group and appointments in between.

I had a great sleep last night on my pallet on the floor.  My pallet consisted of a yoga mat, two yoga blankets, and several fleece blankets.  I wanted to be by the open window to feel the delicious spring air.  The parking lot is wet this morning.  Rain produces some of the best sleep.  The tree directly out my window supports a delightful female cardinal and a black bird.  What a treat.  In front of the building opposite mine I see trees in bloom.  So beautiful.  They make me so happy.  The air smells and feels fresh.  I feel very lucky.  That gently spring breeze is my favorite I think.

I am not sure what I dreamed last night.  It came to me a few times when I woke up but I think it is gone now.  Good Old Days just came into my head so I pulled it up on Spotify.  Macklemore and Kesha sound so wonderful to me.  I love that song.  It make me feel so good.  I recently got Spotify, with the help of my son.  It’s my newest favorite thing.  I love it!!!  I make playlists for my Friday dance parties and will soon make them for my yoga classes as well.  Trying to decide if I will keep Pandora as well.

I have a meeting tomorrow with the University’s cancer hospital.  I sent them a message proposing I teach Qigong with their cancer patients.  Today I will do some research so I have some good talking points when we meet.  Next Friday I will be doing a session for a mental health and wellness fair for employees at the University psych hospital.

I wrote some poetry last night.  Life feels good at the moment.  For me.  I know so many suffer in the world though so I am trying to understand what my part is in the world to help them.  To help bring more peace to the world.  I want to expand that.  I feel my business revolves around that very foundation but there is so much more to do.

For now, I will start with me, with mediation then off to teach my class.

Love you!!!

Not editing so hope this doesn’t have too many typos or clunky writing.  Thank you soooo much for reading my words! : ) : ) : )  It means so much to me.

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Dreams from Monday Night

Posted on May 1, 2018 by Suzanne

I was sleeping with my friend and her mother in a small bed.  My friend had a baby boy, maybe 4 months old.  She started handing him to me.  It was going to be my job to breastfeed him.  I was a little nervous but trusted it would work out.  My breasts were fuller than usual.  And sure enough, he latched right on without a problem and started to nurse.  He would pull away and look up and smile at me then resume.  I wished he would just stay relax, stay focused on the task. Stay connected.  It was a little bothersome having him stop and start so much.  When he was nursing it was a pleasant experience.  I felt a loving connection with the little guy.  But it was somewhat difficult getting comfortable with three adults in the bed.  My friend was happy that her baby was being taken care of.  She could get some rest knowing he was in good hands.  – She is actually a new friend in the non-dream realm.  Someone I met in a women’s writing group.  She has a baby girl and a 3/4 year old boy. –

Let’s see, what else did I dream?  Okay.  There was a party.  It started snowing.  I wasn’t too happy about that.  I thought winter was finally over; that spring had finally arrived.  It was starting to get pretty cold.  I was supposed to drive back to  my home four hours away.  It was almost 5:00.  I had planned on leaving a few hours earlier.  I was very tired and didn’t want to drive that distance.  I didn’t want to leave.  There were three men working on repairs on the outside of the home.  I was outside at that point.  We were on a deck.  I told the men I appreciated their work on the house. This was the same home throughout both dreams.  At another point, I came out of the bedroom into the kitchen.  Part of the dream had a focus on me.  There were a lot of people giving me attention.  Larry, from Tai Chi, was there but he looked different.   I think that is all I remember.  I am still so very tired, in real-time this morning.  And hungry.

I hope this makes sense.  As much sense as a dream can make.

 

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New Green Leaf

Posted on April 24, 2018 by Suzanne

Good Morning Dear Reader,

I am honored that you give me your time. Thank you for making your way through my recent unpolished posts.  I am sitting in my favorite writing spot, on the floor in my lovely spacious bedroom.  Spring has finally arrived.  The breeze feels good on my bare feet as sit propped up in my windowsill.  The birds sing.  And I give myself the time to write.  I feel that you love me.  My sweet little kitty Carley joins me, sitting by my feet looking out at the birds, listening to the sound of a big truck as it pull into the apartment complex parking lot.  I remember this feeling.  This feeling of not thinking about the next thing.  The feeling I had when I was giving my writing more time to breath.

My writing, and other practices, more often than not, have taken on the role of connecting with others, no longer serving simply as practices to feed my individual soul.   I don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing.  But I will find more balance soon.  The big truck sings a song now.   A nice little rhythm, as it backs up then heads out of the entrance.  I scootch down on my meditation cushion to get more comfortable.

Last night, when I was downtown, a man talked to me, actually he came onto me.  Telling me my Tai Chi movements were beautiful then asking me if I dated.  I was put off, instead of flattered.  A few breaths before the dating and relationship questions, he was talking about his in-laws.  Creep.  But, maybe he’s a swinger.  Not my thing.  I think he was just bored and I had a cute dress on, over my yoga pants, so he thought chatting me up would be a good way to fill his time and maybe some how try to fill his ego.

I was a bit in a slump yesterday.  Not thrilled about teaching my Tai Chi class in the morning, then a concerning visit with a counselor at my son’s school. afterwards, I came home to prepare for a photo shoot.  I decided to scrap my original wardrobe choices ~ a beautiful pink silky Chinese style shirt, funky baggy high-waisted yogaish pants, and other select items.  Instead, I ended up putting on the cute high cut, longish sleeveless t-shirt dress, loose and flowing with thin lavender and white stripes.  So cute paired with a little sheer cardigan, short black yoga pants and black sparkly flip-flops.  It worked, trust me.

The photo shoot perked me up.  Stacie is great!  I am spoiled by working with her.  I like her laid-back, flexible style.   I’m curious how the pictures will turn out.

By bedtime, I had decided I needed to change things up.  With spring here and summer on its way, it felt natural.  I made a list of the things I will drop and new things I will add.  That feels much better.  Like shedding all those dark, heavy winter garments.  Boxing them up for spring.  And pulling out the cute lightweight items.  You know, little the sweet t-shirt dress.

I will drop my indoor class as I have never been thrilled about the space then replace it with an outdoor class in a public space.  I will lose the rent and gain visibility, fresh air, blue sky, and sunshine.  I will probably adjust the time and try to tap into the student population.   I will start a new yoga class a group of women are interested in hiring me for downtown.  Hopefully at the local ballet studio.  I will put my Tai Chi lessons, with my Kung Fu teacher, on hold but keep my lessons with Professor Yang.  I hope she will continue to teach throughout the summer.  I will drop my personal training sessions and focus on a consistent, daily stretching and core strengthening exercises to correct my hip issues.  I will see my new doctor and get a referral for physical therapy to help this process along.  There is much more, like find a house to rent.  A place people can come to meditate.  But I am getting bored and need to get on to my morning meditation.

I hope you have a wonderful day.  Until next time…..

: )

 

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Dreams and Things

Posted on April 21, 2018 by Suzanne

I dreamed about my mother, a toilet, and sleep.  I almost never have a dream with my mother in it.  But it happens on occasion.  Last night was one such occasion.

She was tired and wanted to take a nap.  I was working on the toilet.  She came and put a big bucket of water in the tank.  It did not need that but I guess that was her version of fixing a toilet.  All it needed was to have the float pushed down.  But it was no big deal.  She was trying to find a place to sleep.  She went outside.  I was making a lot of noise, like running a blender or something of that equivalent.  She moved from where she was.  Trying to find a more suitable, quieter spot.  I felt bad.  She was still outside.  I think there was a girl with her at that point.  Then she came inside and said she had decided not to take a nap.  I felt bad again.  She went in another room.  This is the point things get fuzzy with this dream….

Another dream I was with two other people.  We were at a restaurant.  Then we went into a bigger area.  I think someplace to do with the University.  There were a lot of students.  And people would dance in different establishments like restaurants.  I kept wanting to go to where the dancing was.  I found this very interesting and intriguing.  But also felt like more of an observer and that it wasn’t really my place to join in.

One restaurant we went was pretty rough around the edges.  There were wide terraced like steps  concrete steps that were wet from people spilling there beer.  There were a lot of people sitting on these steps.  I was not happy trying to walk down the steps and not step in puddles of beer.  It was pretty much impossible.

With these dreams I can definitely see the tie in with reality.  I’m not sure about my mother but each person is supposed to represent the dreamer and I definitely was focused on sleep and had a great deep sleep which was awesome.  The students dancing ties in with my new dance party I’m holding now, and the beer covered steps with the fact I don’t have to dance on sticky beer covered night club floors now if I don’t want to.  Now that I have started my weekly dance party!

I had other dreams.  There were a few teenage young men.  My friend Katelyn.  More sleep themes and a cell phone thrown in there.  Maybe some bulldozer type construction going on as well.  A guy who was drunk, wearing a white t-shirt who did a side kick into my leg, but barely making contact.  His girlfriend apologized.  I felt offended and irritated.  I told her that could have been very alarming to someone who didn’t have a martial arts background.  The guy was just being playful but it still ticked me off and made me feel very disrespected.  Pushed some of my buttons but I walked away.

Katelyn and I were walking outside through this narrow path lined with thin trees and greenery.  I was like a fairy path.   You couldn’t see through the trees as they were all very close together and very thin.  And the green of the leaves was so vibrant and beautiful.  A think young man with long dark hair came walking towards us.  We both thought he was attractive.  We passed each other without speaking.   We came out to the other side.  It was not beautiful.  There was dirt and construction from the bulldozers, which were not there at the time.  There was a young man throwing a football.  I held out my hands for him to through it to me.  He wasn’t very good at throwing it.  I found this a little irritating.  I had a hard time catching the ball.  I had a hard time throwing it as well.  It seemed to big for me to grip with one hand.  It was the softish nerf-type.  We threw back and forth a few times.  I could tell he was learning, practicing.  There were other guys with a football in front of him.  They knew what they were doing.  He was in the back doing his own thing.  Trying to get up to speed.

In another dream a young man of late teens I would guess loaned me his phone.  I think I was going to use the time to set for a nap I wanted to take.  I didn’t know how to set it so he was showing me.  This correlates with my waking hours thinking about getting a new phone and a bit of concern that I won’t know how to use it and that I will need to make sure that everything on my current phone transfers smoothly to the new one.

I find dreams like these a little boring and inconsequential but I write them to strengthen my connection with my subconscious.  To  cultivate that connection so I am coming more from that deeper place of knowing in my everyday life.  I remember telling Brian that, I guess it’s been over three years ago now,  that I wanted to function from a higher consciousness.  Or something of that sort.  He told me I was soulful.  I was trying to be open, and share, even though I felt I was leaving myself wide open for judgement.   He didn’t seem to think I was weird.   But maybe he did, and he liked it.  I remember being in that little convenience store deli waiting for our food.  I asked him what some of his hobbies were, some of his passions.  He acted shy, bashful.  I found this so wonderful. It made me like him even more.   I guess it was his turn to be vulnerable.  It showed him I wanted to get to know him a little better.

I used to worry guys would think I was weird, so I wanted to be careful about sharing things like that, but then my teenage son at the time told me something to the effect of – guys like weird girls.  They liked that they were different, not like the other girls.  So I thought, “That’s great!  They will love me!”  Haha!   I don’t label myself as weird actually, but can see many opportunities for others to do so.  I am just me.  Doing my thing.  Trying to function from a deeper place and not on the superficial level of just going through the motions.  Trying to bring peace to myself and the world, in my own little corner of the world.  Stepping out gradually, impacting my state and country as well.

I always take a little longer writing in the mornings than I intend.  I need food and meditation, yoga, and a shower still before walking downtown for the Unbound Book Festival.

I hope to write the next time I come to you about humanity.  I have been watching Wild Wild Country.  I cannot believe this is real and true.  I tried doing a Google search to see if it was real.  I am having a hard time with it.  I didn’t find anything saying to the contrary.  Last night I finished season 3.  I have had a deeper desire to understand my species over the past year or two.  This story just adds to my confusion.  So much to think about.  Belief, following a leader, wanting desperately to believe in someone, in something, mob mentality.  On and on…..  But  I will save that for another time.

Wishing you a happy weekend and a peaceful life.

Sayonara

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Morning

Posted on April 19, 2018 by Suzanne

Here I am again feeling the pull to connect and not just simply write in my notebook this morning.  I woke up feeling so so.  I am not getting that wonderful deep deep sleep, which annoys me.  My SI joint keeps coming out of place.   Usually if I stay active this isn’t an issue but that hasn’t been the case lately.  I am getting frustrated and thinking of switching from my personal trainer to physical therapy.  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my trainer.  He is the best!  But, I think my insurance would cover P.T. and maybe I could go a couple of times a week.  I have not been wanting to go to the gym regularly for several months now.  And can’t seem to get myself to check out other gyms.  I am thinking all of this might be boring for you to read, if you are still there.  But, it’s what’s on my mind this morning.

I also woke up thinking about my new class tomorrow, or new weekly event.  It will be a morning dance party.  I have been wanting to do this for a long time and it is finally here.  I have no idea if anyone is planning on showing up.

The problem is, I have to make a playlist, or two, and even though I love so many songs, I am drawing a blank.  I think it’s kind of like writer’s block.  I think it’s because I am a little nervous.  So far I have 5 songs.  Maybe six.  Not enough to fill an hour!  Haha!

I also have a new friend coming to visit tomorrow and that makes me nervous.  It is the fear of the unknown and having to be the host.  Even though I wanted her to come.  Something about having to be the host and not really knowing her.  We met briefly last summer.  It can be a thing for me to take a step forward then get a little scared and take a step back.  Maybe that’s normal.

I went to my Jungian counselor yesterday and she helped me analyze my freaky dream I wrote about the other day.  Together we determined that my aunt represented a developing nurturing side of me that I wanted to take off with – ‘go running’ but I didn’t have pants on – this left me feeling vulnerable.  The little strong doggy was there to guard something precious – that vulnerable part.  Basically I am trying open up more of my Yin self to the world but feeling somewhat guarded and vulnerable to expose that side of myself. My Yang side is more developed and feels more comfortable for me to share.

Dreams are awesome, as is my counselor!

Last night I dreamed I had a man in my life.  He was holding me.  Oh, how nice that will be when the day finally comes.  Sometimes I get impatient waiting.  I don’t understand why it is taking him so long to find me.   This makes me sad.

This cold, overcast morning makes me feel blah.  I am hoping the sun will come out and it will feel like spring.  This is the longest winter I have ever known.  I have been very patient but it would be nice to have some warm sunny spring weather.  I plan on taking a nature walk this morning.  After meditation.  After getting dressed.  After eating.  I also need to add take a shower in there somewhere.  It has been a few days since I did that.  I was hoping to fit in some yoga too but may not have time.  It’s hard to make everything fit into a morning.

Later I will teach a private Tai Chi lesson, go to my public speaking meeting, hang out with my son – and hopefully make some important phone calls, go to my private Tai Chi/Kung Fu lesson, make my playlist, and then clean the house so it is tidy when my friend comes tomorrow.  Busy day!!!  I had hoped to try out a West Coast Swing class tonight but it doesn’t seem like I will have the time.  If not, I need to go run for a bit or see if another new friend wants to hang out.

I hope you have a sweet day.  Good chatting with you.  Sorry it was so one-sided.  ; )

As always, I would love to hear from you!  Please leave me a comment.

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Dreams and Things

Posted on April 17, 2018 by Suzanne

I usually write my dreams in my notebook every morning.  Most of the time I can remember them.  But I have been wanting to connect through writing.  Ever since starting my blog, what was it, over three years ago? I don’t write as much just to write.  Now I often think about an audience.  Now I think there has to be a reason as opposed to just writing, just like, well, breathing.

So here I am sitting on my bedroom floor, leaning against my yoga cushion.  I’m hungry and need to go to the bathroom.  I wanted to tell you about my dream.  It’s a weird one.

I dreamed I was having a conversation with my aunt.  I believe she was really me as is usually the case in dreams they say.  The people in your dreams represent different aspects of your self.  Cars and houses can even represent the dreamer.  Anyway she had taken up running and lost a lot of weight.  She had cut her hair short into a tough adorable haircut (know anyone like that?).  I thought she looked great.  She was telling me about her transformation as she was getting ready to go running.  All of the sudden she had a little black dog with her.  She stuck him in her vagina.  Don’t ask me!  It was the dream cooking this stuff up! The little dog’s head was sticking out between her legs and I could see the lips of her vagina.  Uh, I was pretty disturbed by this.  She just kept talking about running and losing weight.  After I got used to the dogs head being there, I started thinking about the fact that she was getting ready to go running with nothing on down below.  I thought this was not a good plan.

That is one dream that I think took the cake.  I had another about a friend of mine.  I was staying at his apartment in his bed.  I asked if he was wanting to be more than friends.  He indicated he did.  I wasn’t sure how I felt.  He tried to do something sexual with me but I told him I didn’t want things to start off like that.  I was not interested in going there.  His apartment was not that tidy.  We needed to get up and get going with the day.  He had things on the floor he needed to pick up so we didn’t step on them.  Like small metal things.  A man walked by outside.  Apparently he lived in the back of the building.  My friend and his friend had been busted for weed.  They were going to ask a price for it from the police.  And a higher price than the going rate at that.

Later my friend and I were at an all black wedding or funeral, I wasn’t sure at the time.  My friend was now black.  Select women were going to the center.  They asked if one was his girlfriend or if I was his girlfriend.  He said, “We’re working on it” referring to me.  I still wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

I told him later that he had been white (which he is) and then was black, and I was confused by that.  I don’t remember him having a response.  He looked different, not just different skin color.  Both versions of him I thought were cute.

Well, those are a few of my dreams.  I have also been noticing that I start dreaming as soon as I lay down, when I am still somewhat awake.  I have been trying to toggle back and forth and notice what I am dreaming.  This is confusing to me as I know we are suppose to be dreaming later during the sleep cycle, during REM.  But I am for sure dreaming and not just thinking.  I want to explore this more.  It is tricky because if I start keeping track of my dream it kind of pulls me out of it and a little more back into the awake place.  It’s a fuzzy area.  It can happen in the morning a bit too I think.  I am wondering why this dream state is not generally acknowledged.

That’s all for now.  Comments welcome!   Tell me what you think my first dream means.

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