I see the number.

It’s there everyday.

5:30 sharp

tearing my heart apart.

A missed call

never returned.

Where is he?

Where does he go everyday?

Is he okay?

Is he afraid, terrified?

I would be.

Living among teenage terrorists.

How can we keep going this way?

They tell me it will be okay.

There is nothing I can do.

I am not a complacent person.

But sometimes I listen to them

and believe they are right.

Tonight.

Tonight.

I am lonely again.

No one should have to be alone.

How many of us are there

out there

who want to be loved?

I want to understand my role.

The part I play.

I need to reprogram.

I have worked hard

but have much more to do.

It’s apparent

I can’t see it.

Not yet.

I’m sad.

Sad.

And lonely.

So many false starts.

So many misinterpretations.

I take it to heart.

I take it to heart.

I miss my people.

Have to not tune them out.

Act as though I have none.

I have miss my Kung Fu family.

I will stop pushing them aside.

Writing group was also overlooked.

I don’t realize the impact.

Until after the fact.

Until after the fact.

I want him to be real.

I’m afraid.

Afraid of being hurt.

Again.

Trust is a thing.

Broken.

What then?

Then I say,

“Who are you?

Are you real?

Will you leave me?”

I’ve been losing things.

Will I know when I’m losing my mind?

Will they tell me?

I’m hungry.

What’s new?

A reoccurring theme.

I have other things to do.

Why did the man tonight pick me?

There were others in the park.

He was friendly.

I think we were both lonely.

I thought he liked me.

A new friend maybe.

A fun in-the-moment crush

that wouldn’t last.

An interesting conversation,

perhaps.

Company

at night, in the park.

Isn’t that what I wished for?

Why do I attract them?

Is it my scent?

I need to start being more specific with my requests.

He told me of his trauma.

Shared the odd details.

I know.  He was lonely too.

But why me?

He told me he was gay.

Misread.

I ran to my car after dark

Sometimes things spook me.

I didn’t trust his honesty.

What will my life look like in six months?

Scary.

Will my new friend

hang in there?

Does he have the capacity?

I sure hope so.

The fear of abandonment

has not completely left me.

So I worry sometimes.

The others moved away.

Do I want to stay?

Sure.

For now.

I am supposed to be dreaming big.

Embracing my passions.

But I haven’t been feeling it.

I need to mark the calendar for future meetings.

With my new sisters.

We are dreaming together.

Creating.

Sharing.

Learning.

Growing.

Maybe they are lonely too.

I will write her a letter soon.

“Dear Loneliness, How are you doing?”

But, for now

sleep needs to take precedence.

Nighttime can be hard.

Mornings will bring me light.

Goodnight.