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I’m happy today.  I was going to write – it’s a good day to find a house, but now I’m not sure.  I don’t want to get sucked into my computer looking online.  Today, after writing, I want to set technology aside.  I will meditate, eat, swim, do my exercises, clean my closet or at least get started, then ride my bike to Stephen’s Lake for Acro, maybe Tai Chi, then Kung Fu.  They are having Art in the Park today but I am so not a joiner, I probably won’t engage.

That is usually the case with me, if it is something everyone is doing, I don’t want to do it.  It loses its appeal if it is something the masses gravitate towards.  I am a non-conformist it seems.  Although I make a point not to define myself in most cases.  I do hold strong to being a straight-edger though- don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs.  I have taken a sip of my friend’s drink on very rare occasions.

I want a sink over my kitchen window and a back door, with that back door most likely in my kitchen as well.  I want my washer and dryer on the main level and not tucked away in an unfinished concrete-floor basement.  I love my sliding glass doors here at the apartment, so maybe that’s an option.  How many doors am I allowed to have?  : )   I’ll take three.

I want a natural environment outside my doors that is beautiful.  A community space where people go, such as a park.  I don’t want to feel alone, isolated.  I want to feel connected.  I want to be seen.  To live in a neighborhood, or the like, in which people want to be connected.  Green people of all colors and nationalities.  Spices and varieties.  Good people who look out for their neighbors and aren’t angry, unhappy, unfriendly, fearful people. Connection.  That’s what I am always looking for.  I think about Sean who was kidnapped and taken to live in an apartment complex.  No one even knew.  I read of one girl who mentioned she thought he might be the boy reported missing on the news and her mother told her to stop thinking things like that or something to that effect.  Or the 13 children who were abused, living in a neighborhood, where either no one knew, or no one cared.  This can be a very sick and disconnected country.

New neighbors are moving into the 500 building.  Two teenagers are part of the family it looks like.  I wonder what the family’s story is.  I see them out my castle window where I have sat for four years.  Where I will no longer sit come August, if the move is meant to be.  I could get a room mate and stay here but then I wouldn’t have my new neighborhood or my kitchen window.  I would still have my breeze and so many other things that I love about where I live.

When we moved to the apartment others probably wondered about those new people moving in.  No one came over and said hello or brought us a plate of cookies.  Such is apartment living it seems.  When I moved in at East Campus after the separation a neighbor brought us pecans.  I made a point to meet all of my neighbors and only one wasn’t very sociable.  Will I go over and introduce myself?  Will I take a housewarming offering.  Most likely not.  I feel they are not my people.  See how that works?  But I love the kids.  The boy may be 12 and not quite yet a teen.  The girl maybe 14.  I have a soft spot in my heart for kids and usually have a good rapport.  I wonder what their story is.  How they feel about moving here.  I wonder how my sons felt.  This brings sadness for time past.  For a family I had at that time.   For their heartache that they rarely expressed for a family torn apart, uprooted.

I’ve gotten used to it just being me and the cats.  I really have.  I saw Mitchell and Heidi yesterday and that was so wonderful.  At first it took a little while to reconnect but then everyone relaxed.  We cleaned his room, which he hasn’t slept in for several months, since moving in with his dad, to prepare for my upcoming move.  It was great working together.  It is so precious seeing them together.  Such an adorable couple.  It’s nice that they feel comfortable now in my presence to cuddle and be playful.  So precious is this loving connection.

I think having a woman in his life has made it feel necessary to separate from me.   Maybe we will never have that physical playfulness again.  And that makes me a little sad.  He has someone new to cuddle with while watching a movie, someone new to hug and play around with in the pool.  Human development is very interesting.  I love him, both of them, so much.  They are doing a good job growing up.  I love seeing them so happy.

Time to move on now to my meditation.  The air is still cool.  The rain has cooled things off.  I am feeling tired and assume this means I need to eat and move my body.

Inertia is a big player in my life.

I love you!

 

There was a boy.  I was in a school.  Not sure why I was there.  Actually first a girl asked me to come into a classroom and watch the play she was doing.  So I did.  I think it wasn’t very good.  It was very short.  She was proud though.  When it was over I walked out of the room.  It seems like first it was a classroom and at one point it was the real deal in an auditorium where everyone was getting ready for the big show.

After I walked out of the classroom there was a boy there.  He wanted me to come with him.  I felt a little uncomfortable but went anyway.  I can’t remember where we went but when I said I have to go now he came over to hug me.  He was maybe 10.  He  hugged me tight and would not let me go.  He was a thin, medium size kid but very strong.  He was trying to make it something sexual.  I was very alarmed and disturbed and managed to get away and run away.

I went back into the school to tell someone.  I went into a man’s office but he seemed distracted.  I told him and he started to look the kid up on the computer.  That’s about where that part of the dream ended.

I went to a man’s house.  Maybe this same man, a school counselor perhaps.  He wasn’t a very big man.  Dark hair.  The house was old.  I could see kids playing outside right next door.  I was thinking this was not a place I wanted to live.  (I am currently, in my waking hours, looking for a new place to live.)  The place was a little dilapidated.  Then the man’s little doggie got out.  I went to the front yard to retrieve it.  It was very fast, very little.  But I managed to catch it and bring it inside.  Some boys came inside to to a big empty room where I had brought the dog.

At some point I went to visit the man in his study.  He seemed nice.  I was comfortable with him but he was not too engaging.  Friendly enough and content but doing his own thing.  That’s all I remember.

I woke up a lot during the night.  Well, the first time around 4:30 am I believe.  I slept on the living room floor in front of the balcony door as the breeze felt so good.  When I woke up, I moved to my bedroom floor on my pallet.  After that I woke up regularly as Marley kept running around attempting to get me up to feed him, which I did at 5:30 am after Carley got in on the act and sat right at my face, nose to nose, staring silently at me.  They have re-trained me to this new time.  I prefer 6:30.  Not sure how to bump that time forward.  They can be so persistent and annoying.  They have skillful tactics.  Animals are amazingly smart.  I’m getting hungry and need to meditate so should go for now.

Any ideas if there are deeper hidden meanings in my dreams?  Leave me a comment with your analysis.

 

It doesn’t matter so much if you read my words anymore, but it’s nice if you do.

I just need to write.  Not in a desperate way, but as an expression of my existence.

The feelings from my dreams reside inside of me.

Two young boys found in the middle of the street.  Love for them as I held the older one close to my heart.  We all rode in the car together after we picked them up.

I thought it best that we take them to the police station as they were obviously neglected to be roaming in the middle of the street.  There were several of us in the car.  I am not sure where we were going.  We passed some construction down the road.

Prior to this I had accidentally recorded a whole bunch of me talking on our answering machine at home.  Someone called and the message just went on and on with me saying a few swear words and not using skillful speech.  I felt deflated as the office that called heard it all.  Now they knew that I was not a pillar of salt.  Brett was there.  I think he was at least a teenager if not older.

The night before last when I closed my eyes I saw a little boy with a great big smile.  He was very close to me.  I just saw his head not the rest of his body.  I smiled back , a great big smile.  We had a strong connection.  I think I was smiling big in my physical body too.  I was aware of it all.  I wasn’t actually technically dreaming yet.  I wasn’t yet asleep.

I’m in front of my window.  Spring mornings are glory and love.  It’s the fresh spring morning air.  I feel like I want to cry.  I need to soon.  It’s necessary to do on a regular basis.  I’m hungry.  My cat sits in the window.  I wait for the timer to tell me it’s time to do something else.  Why would I want to leave my paradise.  I have all I need here.  All except for people.  The alarm chimes.  But I am not done yet.   Next week I can write as long as I like in front of this window.  If I tell them I’m moving, they may want to show my apartment.  I have a lot of work to do here.  I will look at another place this morning.  It would be easy to stay here.  I love it here.  But I feel it is time for a new chapter.  A little house, maybe by a park, with housemates.  Maybe……

 

 

I’ve got 10 minutes with you.  Sorry to be stingy with my time.  I will give you more starting next week.  Thanks for always being here.  I have lazy wrists.  I remember my typing teacher in high school teaching me to keep my wrists up.  It didn’t stick then and still I find the heels of my hands resting on the keyboard.

Another beautiful spring morning here.  It’s been getting very hot though.  Very early in the day.   I come here to write my dreams.  (I like to say that).  I notice the left heel really pressing down into the keyboard.  I will have that checked out the next time I visit the chiropractor.

My dreams.  I didn’t wake up with anything in mind.  I will talk to Scott about tuning in with his dreams if he wants to cultivate that higher state of consciousness that we talk about.  I slept hard.  Woke up at 5:30 am as the cats were wrestling.  I decided to feed them so they would not harass me for two hours while I was trying to sleep a little more.

I am rambling here but that is okay.  I am here, writing, and that is the important thing.  I will ask Mitchell and Heidi if they want to go to Meramec Springs.  I could ask Jesse too.  So I have someone there to hang out with as well.  Jesse and I have good energy together.  At least I think so.  I am pretty sure would agree.  He asked me my sign yesterday.  I need to give him the astrological chart my friend made for me.  He talked to me about my Feng Shui, so that was very interesting.  Telling me that I am an Earth, 5 which means I am grounded and balanced in my life.  I will look more info up about that as I love Feng Shui.  Maybe he can help me organize my home and life with the principles.  I am glad he was talking as usually he is so quite and I worry my talking may be a little overkill.

My timer that I had set for writing went off, so now I will meditate.  Timers are my friends.  : )  I will go to a Tai Chi brunch event, come home and swim, then do my household chores that I have been putting off.  This afternoon will take me to the river for music and tonight I teach yoga and pic out the pictures from my photographer – that I have been putting off.

Ciao!

In the month of June I will:

Write

Meditate

Hike

Do my exercises

Take new yoga classes

Study with Wenfang privately

Take Tues Tai Chi 8 Form class

Practice 24, 42, 8 Form daily outside

Attend Shadow Feminine class

Swim

Clean

Read my books/study my practices and other subjects

Eat healthy food

Move at a relaxed pace

Run at the University track

Hike more

Take a weeklong yoga study trip

Study yoga and Tai Chi online

Study Law of Attraction – get “training”

Study contact improv

Visit an area or classes, jams, and/or contact improv training

Clean and pack

Attend meditation sessions at SMD and other places

Travel to visit other sanghas

He asked me if I wanted to have sex.

When I said no,

he asked me if I wanted to go camping.

I’m taking the month off.

Whatever that means.

I’m tired.

My Jungian counselor told me

to write to the Universe.

I’m still tired.

I feel the fresh morning

cool air and want to stay right here

In her presence.

To give myself permission

to write poetry again.

To cry my eyes out.

I’m so many different people

How do we survive

these tragic lives?

Another friend is moving.

And I’m left here

barely able to see th words

in front of me.

What is luck?

I hate that word.

In my dreams there were stairs.

I was at the top of the basement starirs.

Afraid I would fal down..

I decided I should take a different route

I dream in houses

and think about old friends.

He was there.

People.

Eues closed.

Then

and Now.

We went to a fast food restaurant.

I was in a car with Alonzo.

Another car drove up.

A carload of mmen.

Black men.

Like Alonzo.

I dold him to lock the doors.

Yelled at him to drive away.

“Drive away!”

I knew they wer to no good.

They followed us for a whle.Thehh imagies are there

but no words to dexcire them.

How do you make corrections

when you are blind?

Maybe you make fewer mistakes

Stop second guessing yourself.

The screen is white.

My body is relaxed

to the point of …

I stetch

Movind like a cat to loosen my muscles.

I see a little boy.

He is adorable.

My boys are gone now.

Still alive.

In the same town.

I need to remember to be thankful for these things.

Cancel my classes

or find a bub.

There are flowers.

Imgages of my aunts.

The love flowers.

HHurt little girls still resid in them.

Should I sakfor more detaials?

Should I ask for permission

to bring it all out into the light.?

Have they told their children

or am I the only one to drwa these memories out/

More stretching.

Eyes closed

fingers move.

I feel a presence.

A man.

Is he theone I’e been waiting for?

I don’t think so.

Is this a test in my patience?

Or something else.

My hands rest on the soft skin of my belly.

Telling myself I’ll just take a

short break.

Fingers removed from teh kesy.

Eyes still closed.

More houses appear.

I wonder if they are crazy.

The ones talking about dark spirtis that needed banishing.

NOt sure I can stay awake.

 

 

 

I’m at the coffee shop.

Finally made it.

Every Tuesday.

What do I do?

Always an excuse.

Not to devote the time.

Why avoid something you love?

Love.

Avoidance.

Let’s say they go together.

Wants

placed in your lap,

turn and run the other way.

Should I go to work?

It’s exhausting.

I think I need the consistency

as well as novelty.

I can have both.

Can I allow myself to take a break?

I say yes.

Then no.

It’s so f*#@*NG boring here.

I need more.

Sometimes

a simple breeze will suffice.

I change all the time.

She told me not to be lazy.

Lift your wrists.

I received a D in typing.

Or was it a D+?

Anyway,

the lowest grade I’ve ever gotten.

I asked him last night

if he’d dropped out of school.

“For sure haven’t”

was the reply.

The baristas talk loudly.

I’m distracted.

A man uses his bluetooth.

“Hi Amber.  I’ve just returned from Japan

and was hoping we could meet.”

For real.

He is so young.

I wonder what took him to Japan.

I think I need to get out of my box.

I can live larger.

The barista talks about

diarrhea and vomit.

Her dog and his issues.

On and on.

I feel guilty writing this.

Maybe she will read it one day

and be hurt.

Other writers insert earplugs.

Is all of this writing worthless?

A waist of time and energy.

Should I go outside

so I don’t have to listen?

I’ll try my earbuds first

Sans the music.

The other end going nowhere,

hanging at my hip.

It’s a start.

A little muffled.

When I clear my throat it

is very loud with my ears

plugged.

Their jobs would be like death

for me.

Okay.

Now onto something of significance.

Travel.

Teaching yoga.

Yoga teacher training.

When I do my practices

I remember how important they are.

In their absence

I can easily forget.

At times its easy for me to see

how people sit on the couch.

I believe they call it

inertia.

I want to be friends.

Sometimes I don’t understand.

I’m selective about my love

I think.

I need big thoughts.

Big topics.

Not the idle chatter

of the coffee shop.

Of my words hitting the page.

I am tired of hearing myself.

It’s important to connect.

Earlier,

on my bike ride here

I was content

with the simple life.

Maybe I’m hard to live with.

Never content for long

before I need things to change.

Now I live alone.

I love my cats.

I think there would be a downward spiral

without them.

He only contacted me

because he wants money

for his phone bill.

Yet he never calls.

I think I need to move.

I will remember that next week.

It seems this isn’t my place.

I’m used to other coffee shops.

The chair is large and hard.

My bike rides and walks

bring insights.

Then I lose them

if they are not documented

in a timely fashion.

The message I receive is

you’re lazy.

I believe.

I need to contribute to feel good.

I need to connect with others

for energy.

The themes are redundant.

Sorry.

Tell me something new.

Make it gritty.

Maybe someone else should take the lead.

Like the sexy dancer man.

He liked many ladies.

He said, “I see ya little mama.”

I didn’t expect any more from him

although he thought I did.

He liked to spread his love.

I get it.

It’s cool.

Just dancing.

Is New York calling?

Is there something I have to do?

Some kind of life I should be leading?

I need to shine my light.

Are there other ways I can bring peace

and still have my need for movement

and connection met?

New York, Costa Rica, Colorado?

Those are the contenders at the moment.

I think Iowa might be too excruciatingly boring for me.

Probably lonely.

Contact Improv keeps coming up.

I think I will leave soon.

Go do Tai Chi.

All day.

Yoga tonight.

Then Acro.

I love you.