how the hell did i end up here?

The first time I heard the term “woke” used in a pejorative manner was a year or so ago when I attended a dinner party as the only Black person on the guest list.  Up until that point, I thought “woke” meant “hip” and “open-minded,” which I clearly consider myself to be even at the age of 74 and counting.

All the dinner attendees were over 70 years old, well-educated, mostly Republican, supposedly Christian as to their choice of religion, and well-to-do. A White man boastfully introduced himself during the cocktail hour to my husband (who is White) in the following manner: “I’m retired Superior Court Judge________, and I’m NOT WOKE!” The statement came out of nowhere—apropos to nothing—as if to say: “Aren’t we having lovely weather this week, and oh, by the way, I’m Judge A-hole, and ‘I’m not woke!’”  I was not privy to the conversation and didn’t hear about it from my husband until after we returned home. Probably a good thing—no telling how a throwdown between a Black 74-year-old woman who takes no prisoners and a privileged self-serving, racist White man might have upended an innocuous neighborhood dinner party.

“When Republicans use the word ‘woke,’ it’s a deliberate bit of obfuscation, a way to signal bigotry to their fellow travelers while pretending it’s something else to those who call them out for it. But it’s also pretty hard to ignore the bullhorn levels of racism that are often embedded in complaints about “woke” culture. When Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., complains that it’s “woke” to let Black women sing at the Super Bowl, for example, the only rational conclusion is that it’s their skin color that offends her.”—How a Far-Right Think Tank Made Everything Woke by AMANDA MARCOTTE/Salon

I had forgotten about that very “unwoke” statement by the retired judge until recently when I dreamt of a room full of people who appeared to be attending a cocktail party outside the gates of Heaven. They were all wearing crosses around their necks or on their lapels, but judging by their costuming they all appeared to be from various times and places in history.

The attendees were adamantly insisting to one another that there must have been some mistake as to why they had been invited to this particular party but not allowed to cross over into the inner sanctum of Heaven.  They were demanding an explanation from anyone who would listen and to no one in particular.  Although I can’t remember most of the conversations articulated by the thousands of the party-goers now that I’m awake, I do remember a select few that had a profound effect on me. Below is the recreation of those conversations. The statements in quotes can be confirmed in history books and/or recent news articles as to actual statements made by the noted party attendees.

TRANSCRIBED CONVERSATION BETWEEN BLOGGER AND ATTENDEES AT DREAM PARTY

ME:  Excuse me, Officer. I got lost wandering around the building looking for the Office of Easter Explanation. I’m hosting an Easter party for aliens who have just landed. They don’t speak much English, so I thought I’d school them on the meaning of Easter in between the ham and the key lime pie at Easter dinner. Given the circumstances, the meaning needs to be very simplistic. However, I seem to be lost. What is this room?

GUARD:  You couldn’t be more lost than if you were a snowball at the equator, Lady! This is the waiting room to decide whether these people who think they are going to Heaven—who dedicated their lives to “serving Jesus”—will actually end up in Hell. What’s that old Negro spiritual: ‘Everybody talkin’ ‘bout Heaven ain’t going there?’ I’m an angel, and this is the room of the “Anti-woke” or what my team likes to call: the room of the “Anti-Christ.”  The people you see here were invited to this party because of the damage they did during their time on Earth in the name of the resurrected Christ. In some form or another they took great pride in “not being woke” while claiming to love Jesus. I personally don’t get it, since “woke” is merely the past tense of “wake.” He woke up—he is awake—you get my gist! Seems like that would be a good thing. 

ME:  Well, no disrespect, Ms. Angel, but from the snippets of conversation I’m hearing, that’s not quite the definition of the “woke” these people are misusing. They co-opted the term. The word “woke” is a political term derived from African-American Vernacular English* meaning “alert to racial prejudice and discrimination”.

GUARD:   Hum, you don’t say…

ME:  Yep, it’s not a new term.  It was derived from the blues musician Huddie Ledbelly (best known as “Lead Belly”) in 1931 from his protest song about the Scottsboro Boys.  They were nine Black teenagers falsely accused of raping two White women on a train (the women made up the story).  Lead Belly was reported to have said, “I made this song about down there [the Jim Crow South]. So, I advise everybody: be a little careful—best stay woke, keep their eyes open.” **

GUARD:  Son-of-a-gun… Anyway, they better get the correct definition ASAP because this is their last chance to wake up before they do a slip-n-slide into Hell. Feel free to take a stroll around the room and engage in some of the conversations, why don’t you? You’ll see what I mean. Maybe you’ll even find the definition of Easter.

As I began to meander, various voices called out to introduce themselves to me since I appeared to be the new kid on the block. I listened as best I could, seeking first to understand before I tried to be understood. As I made the promenade around the room, I approached a man in flowing gowns from the 16^th Century.

ME:  Hello, my name is Eleanor the Blogger. Who are you?

MAN 1: Hello, I’m Martin Luther from 1533. I’m responsible for the Reformation. I overheard your conversation with the Guard which was most fascinating. I must confess that I was “not woke” during my time, and I kind of regret it now.  I thought my “Ninety-five Theses,” which I posted on the door of All Saints’ Church in Wittenberg, Germany, should have paved the way for the Jews to become Lutherans. When that didn’t happen, I’ve got to confess that it thoroughly pissed me off.  Consequently, I left final written instructions in my diaries as to what I proposed should be the demise of the Jews, and I quote: ‘First, to set fire to their synagogues or schools and to bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them. This is to be done in honor of our Lord and of Christendom, so that God might see that we are Christians…’

ME:  What the fuck, Dude! I thought you loved Jesus! Your “anti-wokeness” regarding the Jews’ right to worship their own God unleashed a torrent of hatred that became the bedrock of the German/Lutheran Zeitgeist.

MAN 2:  Heil Hitler, Herr Luther. I’m a clergyman from WWII representing at least 20 European countries that tried to eradicate the Jews.  I’m here to tell you that because of you we “were definitely not woke” to the Jews’ right to life, and we have you to thank. By 1945 we managed to kill most European Jews—two out of every three to be exact—all in the name of Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior.

Fearing I might start to vomit due to the horror of what I was hearing I ran from the Nazi Christian sympathizers and crashed into an ex-American president…

NIXON:  I overheard what you said, young lady.  I thought I was ‘woke’ about the Jews, the Blacks, and the Mexicans during my tenure, but given your definition about ‘woke’ I suppose you’re going to tell me that I missed the boat. I disagree, wholeheartedly. I am a Christian—led to the Lord by my best friend who was the Rev. Billy Graham, Jr.  I don’t have a racist bone in my body. Take that and stuff it up your woke ass!

ME:  Are you kidding me, Mr. Crook?  Do you remember what you said about my people when you didn’t know your taped conversations would ever see the light of day?  You said, ‘I have the greatest affection for [blacks], but I know they’re not going to make it for 500 years. They aren’t. You know it, too. The Mexicans are a different cup of tea. They have a heritage. At the present time they steal, they’re dishonest, but they do have some concept of family life. They don’t live like a bunch of dogs, which the Negroes do live like.’

You Jerk! You screwed Black folks’ civil rights into the ground. But yet we still rise! BTW A-hole, our 44^th President was a Black man.

MAN 3:  Couldn’t help but overhear your argument with the President. Did you say a Black man became President? Well, I’ll be damned. Roll me over, and call me shorty.  I’m Captain Auld, one of Frederick Douglas’ masters from slavery time. I’m a Christian and I think my slaves were lower than my animals and were to be treated as such.  Back in the day, I went to a fabulous Holy Spirit-filled revival and got myself born-again, again! Yes, I did—praise Jesus’ name—glory hallelujah! But I never “got woke” because my critics say I returned to my plantation after that Holy Ghost touch from God a lot meaner and more hateful than I ever was. They say I mercilessly beat women slaves to death while I quoted Bible verses. I was only fulfilling the will of God as my divine slave owner right.

ME:  I remember you from Frederick Douglas’ Autobiography!  Mr. Douglas said that, ‘It [your salvation] neither made him more humane to his slaves, nor to emancipate them…it made him more cruel and hateful in all his ways…but after his conversion, he found religious sanction and support for his slave-holding cruelty.’

AULD:  Tis true! I was definitely “anti-woke” then, but I did become “woke” on my deathbed. I even asked Douglas to forgive me—’told him I would have run away just like he did if I’d been in his shoes ‘cause he turned out to be the smartest man I ever knew’. Does that count?

ME:  Too late, Slaveholder. The damage you did to Frederick Douglas’ spirit, soul, and body, and to the countless other slaves you tortured can’t be clawed back.

At this point, I had heard enough, and I ran toward the exit.  But I didn’t escape before hearing Congresswoman Lauren Boebert scream after me that she would never be “woke” about guns because as a Christian she believed “if Jesus had had an AR-15, he wouldn’t have been crucified.“

As I exited the room, Governor Ron DeSantis yelled in my direction, ‘FLORIDA IS WHERE WOKE GOES TO DIE! you BLM Coastal Elite!’

ELEANOR’S SELAH ABOUT EASTER

Do you know what I discovered when I awoke from my dream?  If I had to explain the meaning of Easter to an alien who didn’t speak much English, I would tell them that the true meaning of Easter is “being woke.” Jesus’ sacrificial love for all mankind, the joy and abundance His truths were supposed to provide to all people regardless of race, creed, gender or ethnicity, and His peace which passes all understanding—all of it—was meant to deliver us from death (loneliness, poverty, enslavement, inequality, hopelessness, abuse, brutality, cruelty, injustice, immorality, etc.).  In turn, throughout history, those who claimed to be Jesus’ followers were supposed to live that resurrection life of Easter in such a way that the Earth and its people would thrive with the goodness of God oozing from our Christian pores.  But have you noticed, anytime historical Christians have been asleep to the truth of who Jesus really is, what He was crucified for, and why His resurrection on Easter is so precious, evil of overwhelming proportions have inflicted the Earth, and to that end I believe Jesus wept.

So, here’s my rallying cry this Easter:  CHRISTIANS, PLEASE WAKE UP!  If you claim to be born-again, pro-life, sport a cross around your neck or on your lapels, call yourself a Believer, go to church, wear a bracelet that says: WWJD? (what would Jesus do?), quote Bible verses, and sing praise and worship songs, then give yourselves an Easter present by waking up to the true meaning of the season. Once again, the Earth (especially America) is perched on the precipice of history where our actions as Christians will either bring eons of suffering upon the globe or our “awakeness” will turn the corner of mayhem, destruction, and lies, and point the way to everlasting life.

HAVE A BLESSED EASTER EVERYONE!

LET’S GET WOKE!

*AAVE: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/African-American_Vernacular_English

**ADEPTALES: https://adeptales.com/2021/03/war-on-woke/

Eleanor Tomczyk is an author and a satirist who is an award-winning voice-over performer.  In 2011, she created the blog, “How the Hell Did I End Up Here” which features mostly satirical posts that have thousands of readers around the world—although she was recently banned in Pakistan (for real!).  Tomczyk’s three books were featured in a recent book festival: “Monsters’ Throwdown,” “Fleeing Oz,” and “The Fetus Chronicles—Podcasts to my Miseducated Self.”  Currently in her 70s and living life like it is freakin’ golden, she is a consummate storyteller and much sought-after motivational speaker.  If you don’t believe me, just ask her!

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