“If Only I could get as excited by the sight of a #2.”

As gamers we have adapted to the continuous abuse that deprecates all themes and subjects, associated with gaming in a one sweeping tsunami of generic implication. Gamings credibility is mutually scoffed, condemned with increased flippant regard and appears to be one of the few acceptable forms of derisive bullying–other than verbally abusing anyone with bronze sheen coveting their scalp. Some of the most predictable condemnations regularly asserted is referrals to the unrealistic characterisations, the ludicrous simulated events and acts of heroism contrary the realistic finality of the situation. “No man on earth possess such adept mobility, athletic stamina and upper body strength to ascend a potentially volatile cliff face?”. “How can someone sustain so many grievous wounds that could potentially kill a normal human being, and still carry on regardless of his potentially crippling lacerations?” “Well, we really are descending into tenuous absurdity now! There is no such thing as”Sack people” * tilts head back with contemptuous arrogance*. So I’m here of the express wishes of collective gamers, who–without many even realising–have bestowed the great honour of defending, and simultaneously uniting us in one harmonic symbiosis, by expressing my torrid revulsion to such statements, gnashing my teeth erratically as though that piece of apple that has been lodged persistently for over 2 weeks, has finally succumbed to the degradation of my acidic saliva, and retaliate such broad generalities, with purposeful confirmation, by affirming that such statements–ignorant though they are–are justifiable accusations.

Yes, I emphatically agree with such assumptions because games and the stupidity of the simulated events often depicted, are simplistic associations that should be made. Nobody wants to play “Sense and Sensibilities: The Game” or “Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge”. Gamers want to suspend reality, dispel the mandatory labours of work, and embrace a surrealistic sense of mortality with exaggerated, though polished realism within the confines of a structured, even scripted computer game. We want morally ambiguous cast, with a callous disregard for “simulated” human existence, the blood curdling degradation of humanity, viscous mutations that devour your extremities like a ravenous drunk on a Saturday evening, staggering lucidly from a chip shop with the potato based sustenance in one hand, and an empty bottle clutched lovingly in the other, consuming the minute fragments of palliative liquid that had a formerly filled the glass, before an unexpected tumble relieved him of his beverage, as well as his dignity. More illogical the notion, the more creative the game will be.

“If this is the result of anal probing, then the truth can “stay” out there! Or is it in there?”

Games aren’t steeped in stoic realism, if they were; I would be tested for performance enhancing stimulants on a regulatory basis in FIFA. Snake would have sustained more agonizing wounds than noddy in a Catch Fight with Chuck Norris, and Niko Bellic would be an established resident of Liberty City State correctional, penitentiary or shipped back to Eastern Europe with his insipid cousin. In short, a game would emulate a similar longevity of digestive biscuits in a full mug of tea. My dietary compulsions aside, the irrationality of the situation generates more sustained amusement than say, a real life interpretation of the antiques road show  Add insanity, the elderly suffering with advanced rheumatism whilst brandishing incendiary grenades and besieging a protective antiques dealer, forced to protect her/his valuable trinkets from excessive damage from these mentally deranged pensioners, and your on the right track (must make a mental note to submit this idea to Gearbox, there’s an ambitious disappointment that I like about them). An inconceivable premises are what sells games, for instance the recently announced fourth instalment of the highly regarded disapointment…Uh, I mean praised series, Saints Row focuses on an inaugurated President that possess exceptional superhuman abilities, which is quite a coincidental advantage when your city is suddenly shrouded by the infiltration of alien spacecraft’s, eagerly awaiting the anal crevice of the White house occupant for thorough probing (is this the change Barack Obama was seeking?). In any case, don’t bend over!

“It’s not the snake that’s causing Indy to grimace. But the keys that are currently impaling his genitals.”

The absurdity of the premise above propagates more frantic nonsense, and subsequently fun than a virtual interpretation of the signing of the declaration of independence. It’s syndicated lunacy, with a mildly cohesive story, oppressive antagonist with supplementary excuses for your retaliations is all that is realistically required. It’s the exuberant absurdity that makes a game memorable, I mean how can you save the world from alien insurgents with aggravated gestures of displeasure, or placid vocalisations, asking with all the courtesies of the upstairs residence of Downton Abbey, if “they wouldn’t mind awfully vacating the atmosphere with haste….if it isn’t too much trouble. Please!” I’m not sure how such a configuration could be implemented in the controls though, perhaps some kind of QTE? A game should shamelessly embellish lunacy by suppressing rationality. Nobody would have been as emphatic to Indiana Jones exploits if it were steeped in historical accuracy; gently brushing away sedimentary rock with a bristled toothbrush, searching for financial benefactors for your suppositions of a potential archaeological dig, or seeking governmental confirmation to excavate Egyptian tombs. Oh the humanity! No, we want to pummel Nazis, indulge in murderous activities without fear of authoritative repercussions. Run from conspicuously placed boulders, narrowly escape an elaborate pit teething with venomous serpents and engaging in promiscuous activities with any thinly attired beauty, and fraternize outrageously without contempt or consideration for the absurdity of the situation.

Yes, many games are more factitiously exploitive than a North Korean news report, but gaming should be the most fun you can have with your hands, without going blind. They say all great stories deserve embellishment, well games deserve far more.

Do you think games deserve embellishments? Or should realism become just as integral as the dynamic situations? Let me know your thoughts and opinions. Cheers.