The Kindred Letters (from Susan Cain)- August 2nd

I find the works of Susan Cain relatable. I read her book Quite a few years back and found her perspective refreshing. I have not embraced her book Bittersweet yet. I will get there when I am ready for it. In the meantime, I have subscribed to her Kindred Letters newsletter and find it enjoyable. She encourages readers to write to her in response to her prompt with the caveat that she may not be able to respond to all of them. On a whim, I wrote to her and to my surprise heard back from her office.

Read the letter first. Here’s the prompt.

So how about you, O Kindred reader? Where have you been lately? What sweetness have you found there? And do you want to go home?

After several years, I went back home, by that I mean India where I was born and where I grew up. It felt great just to be in India, it satiated my yearning to be back to my roots. I also saw the place and people with the eye of a tourist. It was so refreshing to see and experience the bundle of contradictions that India is. This is the place I want to be born in, over and again.

By the end of the vacation, I was itching to be back home, by that I mean the US, where I have lived the majority of my adult life, built my family, where I feel like I can be true to myself.

I belong here and there. I feel at home here and there. How lucky am I?

I ended the letter with the note above. But later, I realized home to me is more than the place I am in. It’s also the people that I heart, and the routine that grounds me.

Class of 2023

How can one heart be full and empty at the same time? That’s precisely how I feel now as I write this post.

Hari’s high school graduation ceremony was achingly beautiful.

600+ faces lit up with beautiful smiles. A band and chorus group that outdid themselves and created some soulful music. Inspiring, and thought-provoking speeches. Want to know the cherry on the cake? My parents, my brother and family, my sis-in-law and family, and family friends were in different geographical locations and yet thanks to live streaming, it all felt like we were sitting next to each other celebrating Hari.

The principal’s speech about his beloved brother-in-law left a mark on me. He talked about how his late brother-in-law had the knack for making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world, and that at the end of the day, it’s these connections that matter.

The superintendent shared the following quote – “Behind you, all your memories. Before you, all your dreams. Around you, all who love you. Within you, all you need”, which I quite liked and wanted to commit to memory.

The APUSH teacher talked about failures and how the only failure from failure is the failure to learn the lesson, which I thought was insightful.

As the principal declared the Class of 2023 as graduates the auditorium broke into an uproar and it was such a delight to watch the kids throw their hats in the air and rejoice!

As the principal declared the Class of 2023 as graduates the auditorium broke into an uproar and it was such a delight to watch the kids throw their hats in the air and rejoice! Congratulations to Class of 2023.

Shout out to all the teachers, the supporting staff, the administrators, and the PTO. It truly takes a village to raise and educate a child. I am eternally grateful for their dedication and hard work.

After returning and he had collected himself a bit, Hari said with a pang, “Mom, it’s all over.” I too felt that pang. This chapter is done and dusted. Tomorrow we will move on to the next thing but today we need a moment to linger in disbelief that it’s all over and experience the bittersweetness of this moment in all its fullness.

Closure Speech by Hari

Hari and the other students in his psych class were asked to give a Closure Speech as part of reflection exercise. I thought it would be fitting to have it recorded here on the day of his graduation. Reproduced with permission from him.

“In elementary school, at the end of every year, my math team teacher would, in front of all our parents, ask us one question: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Whether it was as a naive third grader, hyper fourth grader, or knowledgeable 5th grader, my answer would always be the same. “I want to be a professional baseball player in the mlb”. This was such a crazy response. I knew I wasn’t even the best player on my little league team yet I had aspirations to go pro? Despite its farfetchedness, I always dreamed of playing for the Boston RedSox, being down 3 runs in the bottom of the 9th, bases loaded, two outs, full count, and hitting a walk-off grand slam to win the World Series. I held onto this goal for most of my early childhood. Part of the reason for this was that I was confused. I didn’t have any passions. I didn’t know how I wanted to spend my future. All I knew was that I liked playing baseball and it seemed “cool” to be a baseball player. In the hope of broadening my perspective, my parents tried to encourage me to follow my interests as they made me check out books at the library on various topics. However, as a stubborn elementary schooler, I chose to immerse myself in the world of baseball, with the hopes of making it big.

As I reached middle school, I started to realize that I probably wasn’t going to become a professional baseball player. As a result, I pivoted to more attainable professions. As a 7th grader, I decided on architecture. I enjoyed drawing 3D things and wanted to give it a chance. I told my parents, who were relieved to see that I was doing something with my life. They seemed very happy with my decision and wanted to encourage my learning. I just went with it. To my dismay, the following Christmas, instead of getting that baseball jersey I really wanted, “santa” had decided to bless me with a wide variety of architecture books. With a forced smile, I took my gifts and retreated to my room. I eventually learned that architecture was not for me. But I had already committed to myself and my parents to liking architecture. How would I tell them my passion had changed? Regardless, I decided to scrap the idea of being an architect. I was still in middle school after all and had plenty of time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Back to square one.

Entering High School, I still did not know what I wanted to do and to me, the pressure seemed to be building. In just four years, I would be graduating and entering college, a step closer to the workforce. If I did not know what I wanted to do by now, I felt like I’d be stagnant. After talking to a family friend who ran LHS’s Neuroscience and Psychology Club, I decided to give the club a chance and immediately loved it. I was enamored with how the subjects addressed existential questions such as how we learn, how we perceive emotions, and how we interact with others. Moreover, it was exciting to be a part of a community with a shared passion. Throughout high school, I had various opportunities to build on my interest in the brain. I was able to participate in the science fair and take advantage of a couple extracurricular opportunities. I have immersed myself in researching the brain and am truly happy with where I am now.

I am now graduating high school, intending to spend the rest of my life studying the brain. What started as an initial curiosity morphed into a potential career path. I am so thankful for the environment that I was placed into, which allowed me to figure out what I wanted to do in life. With that being said, if life was this straightforward, everyone would have already found their dream job. I know that my aspirations will be fluid like the ocean. In one month, let alone one year, I might feel different. I might want to pursue something else. I might hate neuroscience with every ounce in my body. Yet that’s the beauty of life. If you don’t like what you’re doing, no one is stopping you from switching. My experiences throughout these last 18 years have shown me that all it takes is curiosity to ignite the chain reaction of learning.

If I could meet my younger self, I would first have to break the sad news that I will unfortunately not be hitting any home runs for the Boston RedSox. After that is over with, I would tell me to take a deep breath and not to worry. Things in life happen and they happen for a reason. Instead of looking at the end goals and getting caught up with “careers”, I should try new activities and never lose my sense of curiosity. I should embrace change, rather than cowering away from it.

As I take the next step, I am excited for what the future holds, particularly its unknowns. I will eventually find my purpose in life, even if I don’t know now. My school has given me a solid foundation while encouraging me to be curious, helping me succeed in whatever profession I choose.”

Now… May 26, 2023

Today feels momentous…!

Anybody and everybody who crossed my path in the past month would know this. May 26th is Hari’s last day of school. I have mentioned this in passing. I have mentioned this in elaborate detail. I have mentioned this in every single phone call, every alternate day, to my parents this month. I have mentioned this in my team calls at work. I have mentioned this as I make small talk to strangers I have just met.

It has been at the top of my mind. Every time I say it aloud, I let the enormity of it sink in and yet it boggles my mind. How could it be possible that this exuberant child who was eagerly waiting for his school bus on the first day of school could already be rushing out of the door to catch the school bus on his last day of school? How is it possible that all this feels like yesterday? How is it possible that 13 years have gone by… poof… just like that? Is this how the passing of time supposed to feel?

Hari has been intentional about wanting to spend time with his friends and making the most out of the last few weeks of school. Playing spike ball (didn’t realize it was a sport!), hopping from one playground to another on school Skip Day (they can officially skip school, can you believe that?), taking pictures with his friends on Destination Day (really cute!), going out for dinner with his debate gang, and fantasizing other fun things they could do in the summer.

I take a step back and reflect on the past 13 years.

Coming up with an interesting lunch used to be a challenge in the elementary years but as he grew older and his palette improved, more options meant less hassle. The morning drop off at the bus stop during elementary years was a delight for as long as it lasted. It was also a relief when I was no longer allowed to accompany him because it meant less juggling and less anxiety about being on time to start my work day. The most difficult thing as a working mom has been those guilt-ridden days when I sent him to school although I knew he could use some rest at home. Thankfully, they were far and between. For the longest time, as a working mom, my goal was to pick him from after school no later than 5:00 PM. That was my way of proving to myself that I wasn’t letting my child down because I was working. Then there were those calls – “Mom, I forgot my trumpet, can you drop it off?”, “Mom, I missed the school bus can you pick me?” – again, didn’t happen often but when they did, it was a welcome change of pace. And not to mention all the chauffeuring, packing snacks, lugging different gears… all that relay race from one activity to another. Then of course there were these school extra curricular activities – Big Backyard, Science Fair, Math team, Science club, Spaghetti Dinner, band concerts, the Moving-on-Ceremony, the field trips, the baseball tournaments, the frisbee games, the playdates, sleep overs, outings…. And oh did I forget to mention the goldfish that he won in a lottery at school which we died in a span of two weeks due to our lack of care taking. We hit an unexpected milestone yesterday. Hari woke up at 7:51 AM with a mere four minutes left to catch his school bus. He scrambled. I scrambled. And he made it. With this, we have come to a full circle. It feels like we have had the entire gamut of school experiences and have made it through.

Before he stepped out today for his school, Hari and I held each other’s hands for a minute to acknowledge all the goodness and offer words of gratitude to the teachers, the resources, the opportunities, the community, the nurturing environment… that have shaped him, allowed him to flourish, and prepared him for the road ahead. We owe a debt of gratitude and hold this blessing close to our hearts.

I started writing this post after shedding a bucket full of tears. I was overcome with emotions as I scrolled through the pictures on my Google Photos. Although he turned an “adult” earlier in the school year, somehow finishing high school feels like the end of his childhood. In the senior parents workshop earlier this week at school, the social workers told us that this would feel like a loss. And truth be told, it does feel like one. Except that this loss feels like a victory in disguise because this is what we were meant to do – raise him, let him go, so he can figure out his place in the world.

As I write this post, I realize life ebbs and flows. It is constantly changing. As tempting as it is to get hooked to the years gone by, especially because we have cherished them with every fiber in our beings, life happens in the now, and we live our best lives when we soak in what this moment has to offer. I remind myself, there is beauty and joy in every phase. Today, one chapter comes to an end, paving way for another.

Hari – these past 13 years have been a blessing, a joy and a life filled with rich experiences because we have had the privilege of raising you. Appa and I are swelling with pride. You are hard working, gritty, funny, driven, resilient, perceptive, and kind. And as you always say, you do you! Love you more than you can ever imagine and here for you in whatever form you want us to be in.

Then… August 30, 2010

Written the day before Hari started KG in my old blog

The blue and red Buzz Lightyear backpack stuffed with the three binder folder, and extra clothing in a zip lock bag is perched on the couch. The new yellow Bakukon t-shirt, black full pants, and superhero underwear are laid out on the floor. Lunch and snack menu were discussed and finalized. All his choices of course. After all, it’s his big day.

He will be boarding the very same bus that he has waved goodbye to for the past couple of years. He has cautioned us that he will sneak out of his bed tomorrow as soon as it becomes day time so that he will be the first one to get ready. He simply can’t wait to use the bus pass. Doesn’t mean his mind is free of apprehensions. What if I lose the bus pass? he asked me with genuine concern. We will get another one, I reassured him. What if I lose that one too? Don’t worry, we can still get another one. What if I don’t know which school bus to board for the after-school program? There are 20 other kids that will be going to the program from your school, I told him. Your teachers will escort you until you are familiar with the routine. Not sure if I was reassuring him or convincing myself.

As I kissed him good night, why did I feel a lump in my throat ? Why do I have the overwhelming urge to protect him in the palm of my hands? Why do I feel a tug at my heartstrings?

Tuls, as you begin Kindergarten tomorrow, know that appa and amma are so proud of you. We wish you the bestest of best as you venture into the big boy world. There will be challenges and rewards. Days of joy and moments of frustrations. You will make lots of friends and there may be folks that you may not get along with. And that’s ok. Never be afraid to speak your mind. Stand up for your values and convictions. Be polite and kind, but don’t let anyone take you for granted. But most of all, be yourself. With lots of love and blessings, sonny boy.

Gratitude

The college application process has come to an end and Hari has ended in a place where he sees himself at home for the next four years. It has been an arduous, gruelling journey. We are infinitely grateful for all the blessings along the way.

To teachers and counsellors for the letters of recommendations. To the registrar’s and dean’s office for sending in the transcripts and keeping the paperwork in order. To the seniors and mentors who guided him. To the peer who wrote an excellent essay on him. To the essay coaches who pushed and supported him and were only a text away during the holidays. To well wishers and family who blessed him. For the numerous seminars that educated us about what the process entails. To experienced parents and the senior parent support group who generously shared their journey. To the alums who interviewed him. For the numerous opportunities that he was able to avail and allowed him to present a holistic application. For that one application, where all the stars aligned. For the wherewithal to afford this process and beyond. Most of all, to a child who is driven, hard working, perseveres and is resilient. Heartfelt gratitude to the powers above.

On Flow… by Susan Cain

I promise, I did not go around seeking for information around Flow today. The universe is just handing it out to me. This is from Susan Cain’s newsletter

“Flow is the term coined by the late great psychologist, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, to describe the focused, mentally liberated, out-of-time feeling you get when you’redeeply engaged in a favorite activity, building something of meaning, surfing the narrow channel of bliss that lies between boredom and anxiety. In this state, we can write code, learn to paint, collect some stamps, love a dog. We can focus on our favorite friendships and family members. And we can be free.

So ask yourself right now: in your typical workday and weekend day, what percentage of it are you spending in that flow state? The secret to a satisfying life is to nudge this percentage ever-higher.”

Quotes from James Clear

Sharing two quotes from James Clear’s weekly newsletter. The first one, I had to because you know.. Flow is the word of the year for me. Second one is a good fodder for thought.

“Water never complains, but always pushes back. Always.

Drop a boulder in front of a stream and the water will simply flow around it, taking whatever opening the landscape will give or—when nothing is offered—patiently building up its resources until it rises to a height where a new gap is found.

Flow like water. Never complain, but always push back.”

“Time assets vs. Time debts.

Time assets are choices that save you time in the future. Think: saying no to a meeting, automating a task, working on something that persists and compounds.

Time debts are choices that must be repaid and cost you time in the future. Think: saying yes to a meeting, doing sloppy work that will need to be revised, etc.

Time assets are an investment. Time debts are an expense.”

My world this week

Ram delivered the dialogue of Veerapandi Kattaboman for Tamizh Day. He has one of the best teachers who has the knack for stretching him and the other kids in a fun and meaningful manner. She worked with them outside of Sunday school hours, treated them to pizza and home baked cookies, and the kids delivered in return. Ram is lucky to have her as his teacher! Yay to Ram for putting in the work.

I love seeing what leisure does to Ram. He was on spring break, and his only ask was that he be allowed to laze around the house in his PJs, all day. Then he let his imagination fly, coming up with an alternate historical fiction, teaching himself to make movies, and drawing cheeky cartoons.

Ram is into coin collection and a google search led us to a coin store, one that was tucked in our very own town. To me, the shop was cluttered and made me wonder how uneconomical it must be to rent a place in an expensive town and have unpredictable sales. But then what do I know… the person working there had so much pride and passion for what he was doing and said how they are constantly getting “new” inventory.

Hari returned from his trip early this week. The house feels so much more complete and joyful with this kid around.

Someone I know did something utterly thoughtful for Hari. The thing is she has not interacted with him at all, just known him through my stories of him. So very touched by the gesture!

After a particularly intensive day when the last thing I wanted to do was make dinner, a friend surprised me by dropping some paneer panini sandwiches. Brought much needed cheer for me.

With that, tudlu for now!

Little moments

How is your weekend coming along? It’s vacation weekend for the kids and this is a pretty big week in our town as we celebrate Patriots Day. The whole town bears such a festive look! Savoring some little moments from this week.

It’s that time of the year when the neighbourhood transforms into a paradise. The cherry blossoms, the daffodils, the blue jays and the cardinals chirping away, the light and the warmth… life teeming all around you. As much as the winter months and the cold dampen my spirits, without the contrast of the winter, I don’t think I would ever appreciate spring as much.

I gave myself the gift of walking in the woods every afternoon this week. It’s especially a delight to take a walk in the woods at this time of the year when the ground is not wet and the sky is not masked by the shady trees. And you see the woods transform, one day at a time. Quite magical actually!

Da, Ram and I went downtown today and the public garden was simply idyllic. Not to mention all the festivity associated with the marathon. We were also able to sneak in a visit to ISKCON temple after decades.

A friend graciously invited a group of us for Vishnusahsranam reciting. Another friend chauffeured me there. What’s not to love about an evening of prayers, food, and girl talk.

Hari is out on his last debate tournament in high school. We are carrying on with our day, doing our things but every once in a while the heart tugs… hope he had some lunch, wonder how their nerves are, today is going to be a long day… grateful that he is doing what he hearts. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Hope your week has been sprinkled with little moments. What moments did you savour?