Tag: Life

Meh.

I was driving Ram to the town center as I brought up going back to school. How are you feeling about going to high school? Excited and can’t wait for the adventure or dreading it? The response was so rising 9th grader like. “Meh”, with a tone that neither indicated excitement nor dread. 

After a solid two months of de-stressing and being the master of his time, the child has headed back to school this morning. His first day at high school. Summer was spent doing what he wanted, as he pleased, sleeping in, skipping breakfast, binge watching, scouting, hanging out in town center, reading, video games, some cooking and baking,  creating videos, and just random unremarkable things that suited his whim. Highlights were trying his hands on rifle shooting, riding ATV, spending an overnight with his brother at his dorm, and traveling as an unaccompanied minor. We had a fitting finale to the summer vacation glued to The Residence on Netflix. 

There is ample familiarity with the high school building and the surroundings as that’s where he has gone Sunday after Sunday for the past 9 years for his Indian Heritage School. He has seen his brother go through high school experience so there is some inkling of what is in store. There are going to be transitions.Dropping some extra curricular and adding others. So we will have to wait and see how the weeks unravel. 

When Hari stepped into high school years, I held on to him tightly. Only four years and the child will fly away. Navigating high school and the preparation towards college were top of mind. It has been six school years since then. There have been lessons learnt from the experience and the second time around, I am holding lightly. Ram will figure it out and we are here to support him as needed. Plus, having a brother who has gone through the experience matters a whole lot.

Ram – May you have a wholesome experience and savor the journey. Onwards and upwards. Love you!

Now… May 26, 2023

Today feels momentous…! 

Anybody and everybody who crossed my path in the past month would know this. May 26th is Hari’s last day of school. I have mentioned this in passing. I have mentioned this in elaborate detail. I have mentioned this in every single phone call, every alternate day, to my parents this month. I have mentioned this in my team calls at work. I have mentioned this as I make small talk to strangers I have just met. 

It has been at the top of my mind. Every time I say it aloud, I let the enormity of it sink in and yet it boggles my mind. How could it be possible that this exuberant child who was eagerly waiting for his school bus on the first day of school could already be rushing out of the door to catch the school bus on his last day of school? How is it possible that all this feels like yesterday? How is it possible that 13 years have gone by… poof… just like that? Is this how the passing of time supposed to feel? 

Hari has been intentional about wanting to spend time with his friends and making the most out of the last few weeks of school. Playing spike ball (didn’t realize it was a sport!), hopping from one playground to another on school Skip Day (they can officially skip school, can you believe that?), taking pictures with his friends on Destination Day (really cute!), going out for dinner with his debate gang, and fantasizing other fun things they could do in the summer. 

I take a step back and reflect on the past 13 years. 

Coming up with an interesting lunch used to be a challenge in the elementary years but as he grew older and his palette improved, more options meant less hassle. The morning drop off at the bus stop during elementary years was a delight for as long as it lasted. It was also a relief when I was no longer allowed to accompany him because it meant less juggling and less anxiety about being on time to start my work day.  The most difficult thing as a working mom has been those guilt-ridden days when I sent him to school although I knew he could use some rest at home. Thankfully, they were far and between. For the longest time, as a working mom, my goal was to pick him from after school no later than 5:00 PM. That was my way of proving to myself that I wasn’t letting my child down because I was working. Then there were those calls – “Mom, I forgot my trumpet, can you drop it off?”, “Mom, I missed the school bus can you pick me?” – again, didn’t happen often but when they did,  it was a welcome change of pace. And not to mention all the chauffeuring, packing snacks, lugging different gears… all that relay race from one activity to another. Then of course there were these school extra curricular activities – Big Backyard, Science Fair, Math team, Science club, Spaghetti Dinner, band concerts, the Moving-on-Ceremony, the field trips, the baseball tournaments, the frisbee games, the playdates, sleep overs, outings…. And oh did I forget to mention the goldfish that he won in a lottery at school which we died in a span of two weeks due to our lack of care taking. We hit an unexpected milestone yesterday. Hari woke up at 7:51 AM with a mere four minutes left to catch his school bus. He scrambled. I scrambled. And he made it. With this, we have come to a full circle. It feels like we have had the entire gamut of school experiences and have made it through.

Before he stepped out today for his school, Hari and I held each other’s hands for a minute to acknowledge all the goodness and offer words of gratitude to the teachers, the resources, the opportunities, the community, the nurturing environment… that have shaped him, allowed him to flourish, and prepared him for the road ahead. We owe a debt of gratitude and hold this blessing close to our hearts. 

I started writing this post after shedding a bucket full of tears. I was overcome with emotions as I scrolled through the pictures on my Google Photos. Although he turned an “adult” earlier in the school year, somehow finishing high school feels like the end of his childhood. In the senior parents workshop earlier this week at school, the social workers told us that this would feel like a loss. And truth be told, it does feel like one. Except that this loss feels like a victory in disguise because this is what we were meant to do – raise him, let him go, so he can figure out his place in the world. 

As I write this post, I realize life ebbs and flows. It is constantly changing. As tempting as it is to get hooked to the years gone by, especially because we have cherished them with every fiber in our beings, life happens in the now, and we live our best lives when we soak in what this moment has to offer. I remind myself, there is beauty and joy in every phase. Today, one chapter comes to an end, paving way for another.

Hari – these past 13 years have been a blessing, a joy and a life filled with rich experiences because we have had the privilege of raising you. Appa and I are swelling with pride. You are hard working, gritty, funny, driven, resilient, perceptive, and kind. And as you always say, you do you! Love you more than you can ever imagine and here for you in whatever form you want us to be in.

Back to School – 2021-22

It hadn’t occurred to me until I was actively packing his lunch box. Is this lunch box too small for this child who has grown by leaps and bounds since I last packed lunch for him a year and half back? How could I have not thought about it? I rush to the pantry and rummage through the scant collection of plastic containers and pick one.  

Today was the first day back to school. It took a little bit of reacquainting with old routines.  One child was excited to go back after being remote schooled for 18 months. Another child was reluctant to go back after spending a summer of leisure. For one it was the last but one first day of high school. For the other it was the last first day of elementary school. 

As is my routine, I sent the elementary child by school bus and followed the bus to see him gathered in school with his classmates and to say hello to his teacher. This is no longer needed but I do it because this is my last chance. Next year, I will not be allowed to go to the bus stop, let alone the school. That last bit of holding on before letting go. 

Back home, I take stock of all the extracurricular activities and commitments, and I try not to get dizzy. There is so much to do. There is only so much I can do. I have to treat my time and energy with respect. Be mindful of where, on who and on what I am expending time and energy so I spend them on matters that are close to my heart and not drift away unintnetionally.

Day 3 – Mindful Moment

Smile. How does it feel in your body, mind and heart when you smile? How does it feel when you see someone else smile? Even when you are feeling down or unhappy, smile for someone else. Listen to the episode here.

My heart feels full and light at the same time when I smile. My face relaxes when I smile. My mind stands still when I smile. When I see someone smile, it makes me smile too. Smile is truly contagious.

I noticed that I smiled unexpectedly on two occasions today. The first time when I spotted a bunch of phlox during my walk today. They are one of my favorite flowers and the mere sight of them made me smile. It felt like I was meeting an old friend after a long time. Then, when Ram was home after school, he came up to me and signaled a hug while I was on my work call. It warmed my heart and brought joy on my face. Thankful for these small moments of happiness.

Day 1 – Mindful Moment

UL has started a podcast and she has just wrapped up her first season. What a gift to those of us that relate to her words. Each episode is short and sweet. Rest assured, they are a few minutes of your day well spent. Hop on over and give it a try!

In this season she is giving us a word a day to contemplate on. Mindfully thinking about what the word means to you and how it applies in your life. Day 1 word is Awareness. What does awareness mean to you? What are your boundaries for awareness? Are you aware of your body, your breath, your feelings, thoughts, actions and interactions? 

To me, awareness is that space from where I observe myself as a passer by. It is a state of mind in which I am able to gain a better understanding of myself in the context of the situation I am in. It is a tool that helps me create distance and tone down the intensity of my emotions and feelings. Awareness is the opposite of operating in a state of autopilot. 

In the hierarchy of awareness, 

  • I am least aware of my body. I don’t pay attention to it except when I am hungry, sleep deprived or in physical pain. I find myself paying more attention to my body as I practice dance. Isn’t dance in its simplest form a body language? 
  • I am most aware of my feelings and emotions and normally I am able to see them for what they are and get to the underlying root cause. I am not necessarily successful in overcoming them but I go through the drama with the knowledge of why I feel the way I feel.  In that sense, there is an element of acceptance.
  • I am aware of my thoughts on and off,  a lot more off than on. 
  • I have learnt to become more aware of my actions because over time I have observed that when I act with awareness there is certain fulfillment coming out of it.
  • I am aware of my interactions with others for the most part.

To be aware, you must be willing to listen. To your body, feelings, emotions, thoughts, actions and interaction. When you are aware, you are present. That’s just the starting point though.