Uninterrupted NOT!

Gosh, if there is one thing I can say about my blog, it is that it has gradually faded into oblivion with my other personal pursuits.

At least until last year, I was steadfast in writing during November. One could argue that I started the gratitude posts in November stating that I have travel commitments and would keep them going for as long as I can, which is what I did. But then, there have been years when life kept me on my toes but somehow the pull to write and the push to keep the streak going were strong enough for me to make time for writing through life’s commitments and curve balls.

This year, I just let it be. I had worked very hard in the Fall and I simply didn’t want to push myself harder in any aspect of my life. Letting it be was an act of self-care. But then I came back in December and made grand proclamations to catch up and I did not honor that. Not proud of it at all. And a little bit troubled by it as well since I had made a similar commitment to myself to write a 100-day private journal and I did not follow through.

The reason I bring this up is our interests and hobbies are fragile. At least for me, they are. For some, the passion itself drives the practice. I have a tendency to drift in the direction that life takes me. So, this is just a reminder to myself that my passions need to be grounded in intention and the discipline to keep coming back to the practice.

Treating Myself

I went on a date with myself today. Just being with myself, knowing myself, and befriending myself!

UMASS Center of Mindfulness offered an all-day virtual silent retreat. Primarily, meant for current students of the programs, the center extends the invite to alums as well. The day was filled with a series of sessions led by variety of teachers. Each one a gem. Each one softens your heart, strengthens your spirit, settles your mind, and brings awareness to your body. Not to mention, you do this in a community where you don’t know anyone individually yet you feel this strong sense of belonging and togetherness.

Immense gratitude for this generous gift.

Reflections and Intentions

Another year has gone by just like that!

Highlights of the year for us have been our India trip and Hari starting college.

We went to India after what felt like centuries. We soaked in the company of my parents and sister-in-law and her family and couldn’t have asked for a better gift. Cherry on the cake was meeting our extended family too.

Hari starting college was bittersweet. We couldn’t have been more excited for him. But it was also a bit of adjustment for all of us, which I have written ad nauseam here. But life has a way of teaching you to adapt. He will be going back this week after being home for 5 weeks. He enjoyed the break from adulting, and we let him be more of an adult with his own routine and preferences when he was here. That seems to have struck a happy balance.

Ram has been an active seventh grader. His new adventure this year was taking part in the First Lego League, which he quite enjoyed. Scouts, guitar and karate continue to have his loyalty. He worked very hard on his scout merit badges and has been having a blast learning new songs on his guitar. Books, drawing and creative pursuits remain his sanctuary!

Da’s work has kept him on his toes and he changed jobs and is liking it.

No big changes at my end. I find myself drawn to “being” rather than “doing” more these days. In that sense, perhaps I went with the Flow, my word of the year. I am most proud of working with Ram on a personal fitness goal for his scouts project. The project itself was low key but it taught me a thing or two about how much the mind resists and persuades you away from discomfort and has given me a lot to work on.

For the new year, I am setting an intention to explore my inner resources and work from within. My word of the year is “Within”. Wishing me well and here’s wishing you all well in your pursuits and endeavours.

Making habits sticky

I think I found a way to make my exercise habit stick. The simple trick is to keep it small enough that the gain from doing it outweighs the pain of putting in the work. For instance, for me that threshold is 15 mins for my daily workout. I can convince myself to workout for 15 mins. I know I can carve out 15 mins even on my busiest days. Even though my mind might say otherwise, I know for a fact that 15 mins will eventually pass. All I need to do is lift weights, walk on the elliptical or jog outside. In return, I gain the confidence that I am the kind of person that lives up to the commitments I make to myself and I get the satisfaction of doing something consistently.

Summer Yoga

Those of us who know UL, know how passionate, sincere and present she is. The year that Ram was born was a turning point in her yoga journey as well. In that we share a special connection. Ever since UL started teaching yoga, I have wanted to learn under her guidance. The pandemic and the reimagination required as a result of that, lifted the distance barrier and gave an opportunity to learn. That hour and 15 mins was my restful place on Sunday mornings during the summer. My mind kept calm. My thanks from the bottom of my heart to UL for the experience.

Anandana Narthana Ganapathi

Our second dance session for thsi term completed this week. Every session is a blessing to be cherished, one not to be taken for granted. This session, we learnt an item that brought out the playful and dancing side of our chubby elephant-faced darling Ganapathi.

Deep gratitude to our teacher for giving us considerable leeway in terms of designing the classes, for a choreography that inspires, and for being gracious with our imperfections.

Deep gratitude for the opportunity to be part of a dance group that is committed and nurturing. We are all in different life stages and circumstances. We come together for the love of art. We know our strengths and weaknesses. The goal is always to do our personal best. I am lucky to be part of this group and proud of our collective journey.

Gratitude to my Jjing Bang Gang for being my cheer leaders and allowing me to take over the living room filling it with my stomping sounds. Thankful for all the tools and technology (zoom, dual monitor, stable internet connection, a nice hard wood floor, the physical space) that have made dancing not just possible but fulfilling during the pandemic.

Year in Review

That time of the year to introspect, reflect and take stock of the year that has gone by.

First things first. Let me address the elephant in the room. My word of the year. HABITS. A complete, utter failure to embrace it. I have struggled with simple, foundational habits – eating right, and exercising for a few minutes, and flossing. That extended to the next tier of habits – reading, writing etc. When I started out the year, I thought I would start small, build on my habits over time, and make everyday habits second nature by the end of the year. I started small but all my efforts tapered and evaporated over the course of the year.

In thinking through what went wrong? I am a textbook case of spare the rod and spoil the child. If I don’t hold myself to high standards, I just fall apart. I have developed a huge inertia for working out. I simply do not want to sweat it out. Moderation does not work for me. Once I succumb to one bite, it’s million bites after that. My mind has become an expert at wiggling out of discomfort and coaxing me into taking the easy way out. If my own internal barriers aren’t enough, Da’s and my own work schedule have thrown a wrench on our routine and made time even more scarce.

I am disappointed with myself but determined to pick up my slackness and get better. Now that the most difficult part of introspection has been addressed moving on to what else was happening in our lives.

In terms of life events, my maternal patti passed away in the beginning of the year. End of life is a hard phase, some have it harder than others. My grandma was surrounded by love and prayers in her deathbed. Thankful that her suffering was not prolonged.

Da moved on to a new company. The commute is less but the work day is longer, all worth it as there is fulfillment coming from the work. Hari is thriving in high school, taking responsibility for his learning, charting his course. Ram is dabbling in a lot of stuff with scouts and Destination Imagination being good fit for his personality, sports done for movement and socializing, and Sunday school because his mom insists.

It was tumultuous couple of weeks when appa was sick and the reality of staying so far away and the enormity of role reversal hit me like a ton of bricks. Visiting India, spending time with my parents, going around on my own, reconnecting with friends and life in India are most certainly the highlights of my year.

We have gone green this year. We have been composting since the beginning of the year, carrying bags for grocery trips and minimizing the use of paper goods. Did I mention that we will be installing solar panels next year? The motivation for that though is the tax benefits rather than the environmental benefits coming from it. While our day to day choices still tilt in favor of convenience, we are more thoughtful about the use of plastics in our lives.

My work has had several twists and turns this year. I miss my old team but I am happy to be part of my new team. I am learning new things, taking on new challenges and working with new team members. I have also become disciplined about going to office for three days per week and not using my work devices for personal purposes. It feels like some sanctity in my work life has been restored with these simple measures.

After a break of over a year, got back to dancing, wherein we as students are steering the direction of our classes and making thoughtful choices. I feel good about this because I missed dancing and I took ownership to bring dance back into my life.

I spent a lot of time listening to interviews and podcasts by Eckhart Tolle. I have read his works but somehow the podcasts took my understanding to the next level and the teachings resonated at a deeper level. For the first few days, I wanted to scream at the top of the mountain. I felt like I had found a treasure. An instruction manual on how to live life.

I leave you with my biggest learning for this year. The present moment is all that matters. That is all there is to life. Surrender to it. Take refuge in it. Accept it willingly.

Bharthanatyam – What it means to me?

I was nominated for a 10-day dance mom challenge on FaceBook, which entailed posting a picture a day in the life of a dance mom or a significant dancing moment. I chose to do it only for 5 days because I didn’t have the bandwidth to continue, I was getting distracted from my routine, and finally I felt vulnerable sharing too much. Since I don’t have much readership here, I feel relatively more comfortable sharing things that are close to my heart in this space. Along with that picture, I had put in a blurb providing context to the picture. I am repurposing those posts, without pictures, with some expanded content here and there.

I am lucky that my parents (thank you, thank you and thank you appa and amma) went along with my choice to pursue dance when the popular vote was for music (pursuing multiple interests was not as common in my growing up years). More importantly for just asking – dance practice eppadi porthu? Sometimes it is the simplest of reminders that galvanizes you into action. I am also fortunate to have been married into a family that takes interest and pride in my pursuits. I am thinking of my mil who would accompany me to my dance class with excitement. As the sole member in our family of four that enjoys Bharatanatyam, I do struggle with balancing “me” time with family time. A weekend afternoon spent attending a dance recital is an afternoon away from them. And sometimes that is the only time we have together. Often, I dilly dally not knowing what to choose. Sometimes family wins, at other times dance. What I have learnt is, the only person judging my choice is me. The trick is to not think of the dance recital I missed when I am with the family and not to think of my family when I am at the recital. Shout out to Da for being my rock, my punching bag, and for constantly reminding me that I am learning dance because it makes me happy. Flying kisses to the sonny boys for caring about my pursuits. They will throw a tantrum if I were to take them to an arangetram but they would be heart heartbroken if I were to pass up on an opportunity to perform.

I have learnt Bharatanatyam, on and off, for the most part of my life. The breaks were sometimes short, and at other times were prolonged. Sometimes due to lack of continuity at the teachers’ end, and sometimes due to life events and circumstances. Board exams, school in one city, undergrad in another city, postgrad in yet another city, work in fourth city, then came marriage, move to a new country, back to school, kid no. 1, kid no.2. One way to look at it is, it has been a slow and shaky learning experience. Another way to look at it is, life has been generous in bestowing me with opportunities and teaching me resilience through dance. A constant in my life. Thank God for that! Thank God for all my teachers who willingly took me under their wings, gave me their time and attention, and in the process kept the spark alive. I am exactly where I need to be, all those breaks were necessary to lead me to where I am today, to ensure that there was continuity in the journey. To all my dance teachers, past and present, gratitude from the depths of my heart. Without you, dance would have only been a longing.

Janmashtami tradition – may be it is the fact that I have two veshama kara kannans in my house, I love Janamashtami. Our Janmashtami celebration is more about storytelling than about bakshanam. When the boys were little, they would get dressed up as Krishnas, and Balaramas and we would act out Krishna Leela. What better way to tell a story than via Bharatanatyam? All those giggles, broken mazhalai tamizh, and role playing. Deeply grateful to the art form for giving me ways to bond with little humans, my own and the ones that cross my path.

The day before a performance is humbling. You hold the blessing close to your heart and want to give it your all and beyond. You are also a bundle of nerves. You run through the sequence in your head. Once, twice, thrice, and a few times more. By yourself, and with your gang. Then you obsess over the costume, jewelry, food, and family. Details, details, so many details to think of for the compulsive mind. Then, there comes a point when you simply let go. And you remind yourself to just be and dance your heart out. Being in the moment, soaking in the music, taking in the space and the lights, and trusting that your practice will carry you through. That’s all matters! One of the nicest parts of learning to dance as an adult is all the fabulous women you get to meet over the years. Self-made, independent, accomplished and courageous. When the group clicks, you know you have surrounded yourself with empathetic, compassionate and strong women. Ones who inspire, encourage and support each other. The experience is heightened when you have found your people. My heartfelt gratitude to the girl gang, who have knowingly or unknowingly, have helped me in small and big ways.

Dance is my Zen. It has taught me the power of practice, perseverance, and having a growth mindset. To do something purely for the love of it, not as a means to an end. Through my practice, I learn more about myself. If you came up to me and asked, are you a dancer? My answer would be, I learn dance. I love Bharatanatyam. Dancer is a label that I hold to high standards and don’t think I am there yet. I am more like the Giraffe who found his music and learnt to dance. I found my reason to dance. So yeah, I learn dance.

To be able to dance at this age and stage of my life is something that I never take for granted. Don’t know what tomorrow holds but I am thankful with every fiber in my being that my life has been touched by the art form all my life.

Lost and Gained

In the context of weight loss, I have lost, gained, lost again, gained again… you see the pattern right. Basically, I have not been able to sustain my efforts or maintain my weight. I was not following any fad diets, I lost weight the healthy way. But needless to say, they were not sustainable. Sadly, for the past two years, I simply have not been able to do what it takes. May be as I age, the reserve of determination is getting depleted. May be the body metabolism changes with every weight loss, and my body is demanding more than what I can provide. Today, I heard the Life Kit podcast and had some big takeaways.

Our body has a natural tendency to fight weight loss, which is why it is hard to maintain weight loss.
I knew what we eat matters more than how much we exercise for weight loss but what I didn’t realize was exercise helps with maintaining the weight you have lost. So for weight loss, eat right. For weight maintenance, exercise right.
Given that, there is no point in aiming for weight loss. Instead, take the high road, focus on making behavioral changes, lifestyle changes, changes that you enjoy because the chances are if you don’t believe in or enjoy what you are doing, you are not going to be able to embrace it in the long term.

The grand conclusion is weight loss should afterall not be the goal. Accept your body for what it is, do what works in the long term; you may not end up being slim and trim but you will be healthy and happy. Something to ponder about.

The ways of the mind

I keep telling myself if only I can be focused. Not jump from one tab to another, one gadget to another, one activity to another, one thought to another, one distraction to another. Have sharp focus and clean mind. Just give it my all to the task right in front of me, to what I am doing at the moment, to what is, then I can conquer mountains and boil oceans. The thing is that state of mind is elusive even when it feels like it is within my grasp. The rare moments that I get a taste of it, I nod to myself in agreement of what’s often told – the high is real!