Psychoeducational

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tidal movements and storms

It is often when you feel strong(er) or grounded, pretty sure that you’ve now attained stability and happiness that, all of sudden, you get swept and shaken by stronger winds, a storm that you didn’t see coming.

It must be for a reason, right? but when it happens, the new storm irritates me immensely as my quiet stability was just a delightful comfort.

And it sounds or feels familiar too! because it always happens! it always comes back. This emotional or psychological challenge knocking to our door.

We are here to expand and stretch and learn more. Yes! Clearly there is not much interest in stagnation. Yes! But how do we keep direction? How do we know for sure that we will survive…this time?

I guess we don’t. we won’t know.

We need to get lost again, in order to go deeper; or higher depending on the image you prefer. Is this a rule? I’m not sure. I only know that’s how it has worked for me. And even though I feel confronted by what is required from me, I am reassured that what I have built until today is solid.

Well… I hope so anyway…

I had an osteopathic session today… My osteopath is an incredible therapist. He works holistically and intuitively. This is the second time I find someone like this. And because he is not a psychologist, he drops little bomb and then keeps working on my body. He goes like this… “your heart chakra seems quite closed. What’s the problem? do you feel unloved or something?”…… hum…yes…no! not really! I’m quite good actually, thank you!”

The thing is though…the body never lies; and the body-work (and my desire to expand) always helps to engage or embrace this challenge.

So I’m here, exhausted by this osteopathic/therapeutic session…and wondering if the tide is coming in or going out. While wondering, might as well take some picture of the view.

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Some reflections about assertiveness, spirituality and how much we decide to engage…

The other day, I was reflecting while reviewing a program I run for separated parents. The program is already well constructed, however I felt that it needed to be sharper, more edgy and challenging, with the aim to foster reflection and self-awareness.

Then I shared some of my reflection with my friend Sue on Skype… always a stimulating chat… We always jump from personal updates to psychology to spirituality and so forth. We both agreed on the need for us, me, you, individuals, to engage more, to take responsibility for our own actions (big debate, I know!), which was so aligned with my thoughts about the need to be more assertive and challenging in some aspects of my work.

This could go on and on… reflecting on assertiveness in our work…the importance of challenging beliefs and values, sometime the authority or the more simple course of things; to have a pro-active role in everything we do. I like this quote from Brene Brown Daring Greatly’s book “if you are comfortable, I’m not teaching and you are not learning”.

The path of self-development is about seeking our own truth, developing our identity, our relationship with ourselves and others; for some, the opening of a spiritual path… the danger though is to stay ego centered, to feel complacent about our own quest and about the rules we re-design for ourselves, in order to live our lives. These are at time much-needed defense mechanism, with the risk though that it will prevent us to go further.

Self growth or self-development is paramount and yet, it will not help the self without any interaction or engagement with the external world. Being self-righteous, or proud about my own growth will not help me nor the world or the environment around me if I don’t engage. This is the paradigm between my inner world, my healing path (and its sacredness) and my spiritual life vs the outer world, its requirement, the friction it will produce when in contact with my encapsulated spiritual self (and the challenge I will experience). With what I know and what I’ve learned, what will I do…?

This is about pro-activeness, taking responsibility, owning our stuff, engaging, becoming a role model. It’s about being vulnerable and still being ok.

With what you know… what will you do?

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Gold …or thoughts about emotional intelligence in the context of post separation

What is it that will make a difference for growth to happen?
what will it take to let go of the grievance? the bitterness? the hope for revenge?
and at what cost? what about the children??
will you be able to forgive? to put aside the hurt?
How?

These are my thoughts today… while working on enhancing a program destined to parents who have separated, and trying to find the punchy argument that will make them realising the impact they have on their children, when in conflict with an ex-partner.

and while reading great research articles on the matter, I realised that without that very unique component that is emotional intelligence, not much can happen…

So what is it? emotional intelligence? where can I learn some more?? Some say it is innate, others say we can learn it… and if so, can we learn it while in conflict with an ex?? I doubt. However I want, or I need to remain hopeful (I am an educator after all) as I know the damages some parents inculcate to their children. This ability to perceive, understand and even control emotions is a subtle but powerful one. And if it is innate, is there another option to help people going through separation to open their eyes and to de-center themselves, for the sake of their children? And if we can learn EI, how do we foster and encourage it? Not sure what the answers are…

for some further reading, check: Children’s Adjustment Following Divorce: Risk and Resilience Perspectives by Joan B. Kelly and Robert E. Emery (Family Relations, 2003, 52, 352-362)