Tag Archives: depression

Let’s Go…

28 Sunday Sep 2025

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Blue Jays! It’s the final game of the regular season which, for any of you who have followed me for years know, it makes me sad because it’s my FAVOURITE! Anyway, I’m at the trailer… my happiest place on earth… we’re going to put the TV on the deck and watch our boys play ball! I am also going to write about Volkfest which amazed me! I couldn’t believe there could be that many buses in one place! VW buses that is, not bus busses.

I wanted to get this done early so we can watch the game at 3:00 and tonight I will go back home and start unpacking so I actually have other clothes to wear! What a concept eh?

The fill-in-the-blank for today is Something I love about my city/town is… now, which one do I write about? I’ve wanted to move out of Waterloo and the Region for so long because it doesn’t feel like home anymore. The fact it used to take my eight minutes to get from my place to Belmont Ave. Then they put in the electric street car which caused traffic nightmares not only during construction but it still does. They didn’t think things through and it just doesn’t make sense. Now it takes me just shy of fifteen minutes. Yet in Goderich, it takes me eight minutes to get work and it’s a bit farther away. You can take a side street any day of the year and still get a left out onto the main road. People are friendly. Everyone says hello. It’s more what Waterloo was a long time ago. And the skyline… I will only mention that. But it’s sad. It was very sad the day I drove past my great-grandmother’s house where I had all but grown up… fourteen years of my life… to see it in a pile of rubble. It feels like nobody cares there anymore.

And the one word journal for today is Stability… I think I can speak for all of us when I say that all most people want in life is stability. To have a stable paycheque, stable relationships, stable everything gives a sense of security. I think that’s what’s greatly missing from life these days. People are no longer secure in their jobs like they were 50 years ago and before. Things can change in a heartbeat because there’s no longer employer loyalty so therefore there is not longer employee loyalty. One thing I have prayed for endlessly is to just always know where the next paycheque is coming from… and we all know how that panned out!

For now, that’s it! Tomorrow I will post the calendars I’m thinking of working from for October. I might just do the one but there are two I really like.

Friends

03 Tuesday Sep 2019

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Friends are amazing people.  We all need friends and we all need to be a friend.

Since July 25th I have had friends create a support system for me.  In this instance I’m also including my brother as a friend and I have made a new friend who, despite all the circumstances, has been amazing.

I have seen many friends that I haven’t seen for a while and everyone is understanding and patient with me as I traverse a difficult time of my life.

We all need friends like these.  Whether it’s a he or she, whether we’ve known them for 20 years or 20 days, it doesn’t matter.

But we also need to be those friends.  Not only should we just be the needy it’s good for our souls to be the needed as well.

I write several posts ago about our souls being at different levels and moving up levels as we get older and, ultimately, wiser.  Our friends change over that time because they don’t grow at the same rate.  It doesn’t mean that they won’t catch up and come back into our lives but that is all determined by what is happening in their lives.

What we experience in life is different… deaths, illness, moves, changes… and it’s not just what we experience but it’s HOW we deal with it.  A friend on Facebook posted a quote by Jim Carrey about depression and that it’s legitimate but if we don’t look after ourselves and surround ourselves with support then we have no chance.  I saw a huge increase in the number of depression diagnoses in family practice and I often wanted to tell patients to suck it up. I know that sounds cruel and it’s not intended to be cruel.

We all experience times of depression, low mood, whatever you want to call it.  But it’s the view from when you’re down there.  I have felt incredibly depressed before but I didn’t run to my doctor.  I have those friends who I’m able to reach out to.  Sometimes all we need to hear is that what we feel is normal and to get out and walk, or get some sunshine.  Sometimes we just need to seek out some professional counseling, someone who can ask the right questions.

But it doesn’t mean we’re clinically depressed and require medication for it.  If someone suffers a loss… which can be anything… our souls, bodies and minds taking a kicking.  Sometimes that can spiral into a clinical depression but it’s seeking out the right signs.

When we’re having a good day/week/month/year that’s when we can be the friend to someone else who is going through a tough time.  That’s when we can listen and give some advice and help that person find solid ground again.

So in these last six weeks that’s what I’ve had around me and I have appreciated it so much.  The support, the ability to share my emotions and thoughts and not judge me for them.  I know that not everything makes sense to everyone and I know that some people won’t agree with what has happened but, as I’ve also written, I feel like I’m in a God Bubble right now and everything that is happening is happening for a reason and how can I not go with that?

Using the mind…

05 Friday Jul 2019

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My daughter just burst through the door, changed her clothes, grabbed a couple cups of water and is heading off to the barn to look after the horses before going to Toronto… the why is irrelevant.

But, at the last minute, she runs back upstairs and comes back down carrying a… sweater!  It is currently 37 degrees here and feels close to 40!  It’s HOT outside… which is great, but it’s HOT.  Her boyfriend asks her if she nuts… she says it could snow in a half hour with our weather!

I pointed out that not even in MY wildest imagination, which has produced a dozen novels, would that, or could that, actually happen!

Our minds like to wander.  When we’re angry, sad, disappointed, thrilled, excited, joyful, disgusted, horrified we all have stories and ideas that go through our minds… we think of things to tell people, we have conversations in our heads.  We are all storytellers even if we think we’re not.

I have managed to get one of the four assignments completed and submitted.  That felt good but very little is actually feeling good today.  I’m very emotional for a wide array of reasons.  Today is my last day of vacation… Monday I’m back to work.  With the events of yesterday I wish I could gain more time.

I haven’t managed to get to my own work this week and I haven’t even managed to get the copy delivered to the person who wanted to read it.  I’ve really fallen behind.

Additionally I’m still angry and sad about what happened to the new vehicle yesterday and… well, I’m feeling pretty lonely today and I don’t think that’s going to pass anytime soon.

Maybe it will encourage me to get back to my murder story and get the edits/proofreads done and move a step closer to finishing it!

 

Vacation has begun…

28 Friday Jun 2019

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And I’m feeling incredibly depressed… I’m trying to figure out why though because I’m on vacation.

Why? Why? Why?

I haven’t written or done any editing in days?

I am now done work for a week so perhaps I’m just letting it all go?

I’ve been in a lot of pain this week… back pain, neck pain, repeated headaches as well as a large canker on the underside of my tongue that is not healing and rests on a nerve that, I believe, is causing me to feel pain in my jaw and my right ear.  Like I needed the last two with all of the other pain?

I started to feel this way around the time the rain started?

Maybe I need to write myself as a character in order to figure it all out.

Tomorrow I have a couple of choices… I could go to the trailer and visit my parents for the day, or I could do that on Sunday… either day the weather looks better at home than it does there.

I guess I’m not getting any of my assignments so when that will happen is beyond me… I wanted them so that I had the extra time to work on them… I even reached out to both and have had no response in return, again.

I will just carry on with my own writing then… no complaints there!

I’m extremely tired, have been all day… you know you’re tired when you try to put your make-up on in the wrong order.

Until tomorrow!

What is wrong with me?

15 Saturday Jun 2019

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Beware: brutal honesty!

Lately I have noticed my mood spiraling downward.  I have eluded to it here quite frequently but it is having quite the impact on… well… everything.

And as I sink into this oblivion, again, I ask myself once more (like I said, done this before), what it is I want which, of course, is linked to how I feel.

For one thing, I’m tired.  I’m sleeping but not sleeping and studies have been done proving how much of an impact pain has on quality of sleep.  However, the more my stress levels rise, the greater my pain, the more fatigued I feel which adds to the stress I feel.

What is causing this stress?

Work on a number of levels… I’m not happy where I am, as I’ve made fully known, because the company does what they want, when they want with no concern for employees… they have no boundaries.  Neither do the patients for that matter, as per my story yesterday.  I also get bored doing the same thing day in and day out… I like variety and family practice had plenty of variety.

I’m not happy with the paper because the editor will not respond to my emails so I am left hanging and wondering what is going on there.

I’m not happy with the college and there being not guarantees on teaching hours.

That leads directly to the next biggest stressor… Financial… after all these years of feeling fairly secure, without the college income this summer everything is already soooo bad that numbers are waking me up in the middle of the night and adding to the stress!

There are other things including loneliness as I am often found on the couch even if I’m writing or editing and watching a movie.  Sometimes I want that peace and quiet, don’t get me wrong… we all do… but even when I’m with others like visiting my parents I come home feeling lonely… there’s a difference between being alone and loneliness and sometimes my feline babies just don’t cut it.

So what do I want?
SERENITY seems to come to mind.  TRANQUILITY.  A simple sense of peace.

A bank account with a nice cushion so I don’t have that stress.

Writing jobs that would actually be consistent to contribute to the above.  I had been told by the paid blog woman that it was long-term but I haven’t heard from her in months and the paper… I’ve already covered that issue.

I’m also completely fed up with this city and I so want to move to the beach.

Bottom line is to be able to write full-time from anywhere I want, including the beach.

I also wouldn’t mind some company from time to time, but isn’t that what we all really desire?  It’s not good for us to be by ourselves all the time.  We tend to go a little crazy even when we have fur-babies and characters in our heads to talk to.

So here rests my post for today.

Thanks for listening.

In a mood…

06 Monday May 2019

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Today I have felt significantly depressed.

Do you ever have days like that?  Come on… we ALL do.  Some days are just far worse than others!

Yesterday was amazing… I wrote more pages of backstory than I think I EVER have and it’s such a strong base for my serial fiction story.

Then I was sitting at work this afternoon and wondering what I was doing there.  I had two no-shows.  I have reached out to all those who haven’t completed their histories and it seems to fall on deaf ears… in the case of email… eyes.

All I keep thinking is how tired I am and how much I need a break… a vacation.  Step back.  Breathe, relax, reboot.  Not that it happens that way.

I’m frustrated because I currently have three jobs, nursing, nursing and teaching.

In addition to that I thought I had a payed writing gig from back in March but have heard nothing since writing one and rewriting five articles for her.  I have also had this offer for the serial fiction which is AMAZING but seems to be THE SLOWEST PROCESS EVER!

So that, my friends, totals FIVE jobs and yet I only seem to benefit from two of them so far.

What do I do?

My writing resume/CV has grown but I still can’t seem to find anything that is satisfactory enough.  In the last two weeks I have applied to three more jobs but seem to not get very far very fast.

I had compared my life some time ago now to a song by Garth Brooks… When You Come Back to Me which was originally from the movie Frequency made in 2001.  The opening lines are:

There’s a ship out on the ocean at the mercy of the sea.
It’s been tossed about, lost and broken and wandering aimlessly.
And God somehow you know that ship is me.
‘Cause there’s a lighthouse, in a harbour shining faithfully…

I feel like that ship.  I feel tossed about, lost and broken.

I don’t know if these are the emotions of a writer or just someone who is feeling lost in almost every aspect of life and career.

10,000 Words & Counting!

28 Monday Jan 2019

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Wow!

So it was supposed to be a short story.  I just crossed 10,000 words and I’m still going.  I don’t think I’m going to make it to a full novel and the verdict has been presented already but I’m playing out the love story the rest of the way.

I really need that right now.

I am really down in the dumps for a number of reasons.  No, I’m depressed. It has turned cold.  We have had snow dumped on us and, though the sun is shining brightly, it’s still icy cold out there and only getting colder which depresses me more.  The forecast is now calling for 15cm more snow starting midday today.

Seasonal Affective Disorder at it’s maximum–I hope!  I feel like it can’t get any worse!

There is little lifting my spirits right now… but writing is as well as human contact and even my little knitting project.

Being at home where it’s cozy warm allows me to forget what’s going on outside which does, eventually, boost the spirits, just a little bit.  Writing a wonderful romance with the backdrop of Christmas is an added bonus because it must have a happy ending!

Change always takes time and it tends to not happen in our time.  It doesn’t happen the way we want it to.  I think that’s one of the most frustrating parts of all of it!

I wish I could find something that earned me my wages and that makes me thrilled to do it.  I don’t care what it is if I’m excited about it!  Being holed up in the same office, looking at the same four walls and doing the exact same thing no matter the person in front of me… that’s not me.  It never has been.  I have always wanted the challenge.  I have always the research and the collaboration.

So at this time I will plod on.  PLOD is a good word for that.  I did get my new business cards last week for my Life Coaching & Essential Oils so that was exciting and I ordered a box of unique items that will be put together for me so it will be a surprise when it reaches me sometime this week.  There might be an extra post if it’s awesome and worth sharing!  I sure hope so!  See… some things DO excite me!

 

Depression has struck…

26 Wednesday Jul 2017

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I have been trying hard to not let my situation get to me but it has.  As the list of what is making me unhappy at work grows so do my feelings of frustration and my stress levels increase.

I have been writing but my time is limited because of the kitten and his need for constant attention, just like a little kid.  That takes away my feeling of home being my refuge.

Today I wrote almost a thousand words yet I feel unfulfilled.  I feel like it was forced.  I edited a short item I wrote and entered them.  Again, it feels forced.

I managed to win Camp NaNoWriMo with 20,000 words but considering I had 13,000 or so of those words done before July 10th it took me over two weeks to finish… so unacceptable in my mind.

I have also been managing to get headaches daily, again.  I’m supposed to be walking which is easier said than done.  Unfortunately the weather is not cooperating for that nor is the location of my home.  Not really conducive to walking around here.  I would have to drive somewhere to walk which doesn’t entirely make sense but there it is!

I just can’t believe that my job has come to this.  I just can’t believe that he can be the way he is and how some patients can be the way they are.  Up until a few days ago I was asking myself if it was just me and it took some thinking to determine that it was two or three years ago when I first heard my great boss say he was getting tired of the C-R-A-P and I agreed, fully.  Demands were higher, people want everything yesterday, they want to argue with you.  They hate the system and the wait times.  The list goes on and on.  I thought the transition would make things better but it has not.  It has, however, brought to light those feelings of being tired of dealing with the C-R-A-P that was spoken of so often.  There’s paper everywhere, not enough time in a day and just no patience to deal with the patients.

I will carry on.  I always do.  Unhappy right now… yes, definitely.  Determined to make a change… just as definitely!

 

Warning… May contain BAD news!

13 Monday Feb 2017

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We always get those warnings ahead, and during, just about everything we watch on TV now. Now it’s my turn and I don’t even get the chance to put a warning like that on one of my books first!

As you all know, I had to have a procedure done almost three weeks ago.  Last weekend was pretty stressful for me as I knew the results would be arriving one day during the week.  I also went for an MRI of my back to see what was going on in there since I’ve been noticing more than subtle changes.

So Monday morning my Pathology Report arrived…

Well, I will definitely have to have an additional procedure done… it showed cells that were a level away from cancerous.  I don’t see the specialist again until March 9 at which time I will discuss with him the next steps.

Then my MRI results arrived on Tuesday showing that there has been extensive changes at L5-6.  There’s nothing that anyone will do because there is no impact on my spinal canal.

So it was an incredibly depressing week for me.  Everyone was quick to say how great it was that my cells weren’t cancer.  I’m an RN… I know the facts!  I can’t help how I feel.  I already spend every second of every minute of every hour of every day in pain.  I now have to endure more to have the cells removed.   Plus I’m in for even more pain from my back.

This isn’t FAIR!!!  I am unable to look in the mirror right now and tell myself how lucky I am.  I feel overwhelmed and anxious and down in the dumps.  Maybe it’s just me.  Plus, I have been thinking about all the things that I might never get to do because of it.

I keep thinking that I should be writing!  I should be starting a new book not just making notes about the possibility.  I think part of my agitation stems from not writing which is fuelled by my current health status.

I had wondered about using this in one of my storylines somewhere down the road.  I just can’t seem to focus on anything.  But perhaps, at some point, I can look back and grab hold of the emotions again to use it.  Or, maybe when it’s all over, I will just want to put it on a shelf and not have to look back on it.

One of the great joys of being the author… I can use what I want and dispose of the rest. Somebody gets off easy

Why can’t life be like that?

Did today really just happen?

25 Tuesday Oct 2016

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It has been quite some time since I have had to comment on how I’m being treated at work because things improved there for quite some time.  Since Thursday, however, it seems that my very own Nightmare before Halloween (a new spin on the old movie) started Thursday and it’s not letting up.

It is, quite likely, time for me to once again consider my options moving forward.  Why haven’t I already?  When things were bad before?  I keep coming back to the question: what happens if it’s worse somewhere else than here?

We are all on a journey.  Some of us just seem to have a far better idea of where that road is going than others.  For fifteen years I have written more and then less, and then more again.  I created courses, I taught and since making a pact with myself to blog every day for 30 days (54 days ago now) my writing has been on the upswing.

But is it enough?

I have multiple issues as far as getting my work traditionally published.

  1. I have self-published everything to date which makes it incredibly difficult to try and sell any of it because in their eyes, it’s published.  It doesn’t matter how many copies sold.
  2. I’m currently working on not one but TWO sequels which isn’t going to help any because even if a traditional publisher was interested in a sequel, well, see #1.
  3. Most of the traditional publishers in Canada want literary work, not contemporary.  For some reason the publishers here seem to think that the bulk of the country is wordier than the rest of North America… guess that’s why we end up with some of the politicians we do… until now.

Is it going to happen soon enough?  And is there a point to it?  I don’t want to put down the traditional publishing world because I, too, would love to have the opportunity to get an advance (though much smaller in years past), have an editor and a cover designer and have the assistance for marketing (and I realize that a large chunk of that falls to the author).  We all do.  Either that or have the cash flow where we can go to Volumes or one of the self-publishing houses where you actually pay them $1500 or $2000 and they’ll edit your book, work with you on cover design, sell and ISBN number and advertise it to libraries and bookstores.  Sure, I’ll get right on that.  I’d settle for an amount that would let me see Paris!

So, once again, I head towards the end of another year getting negative attitude from work and just wanting to crawl into bed and never come out.  It seems to be the cycle of my life and maybe this time it really is the last straw.

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