[

mood

|

rejected

]

Ugh.

BEen ages. We won some Oscars since then, yeah? That was quitecool.

But me, I"ve been a bit down to be ahonest. Elijah's been doing his best to make me fele better but I'm awfully sad.

well you would be as well if your best mate kept swanning off without you and making it quite clear you weren't wanted.

I followd him to bloody Austrailia-- Austrialia-- Syndey-- OZ, and what did he dobut walk off and leave me the moment I looked away to answer my moblie. He's ahardly sponken to us since then when he's baeen about, he rushed off as soon as he ciould. When we were on camera and he couldn't disappaer, I touhced his chin and I thouhgt he mihgt bite my hand off! Whta did I do?

I probbaly shoudlnt' drink so much but without Billy how can I pace myself properly. Eliajh's quite upset as well, he misses Billy too. We knew we loved him terribly of course but ti's funny, never realised quite how much til he went off without us. I efel all out of balanec and bereft. And pissed.

Bpherhaps now that the_pr aren't draggeing me and Lij about and shoving us onto talk showes and making us nottalk about being madly in love with eahc other, and how we miss threesomews with Billy... well maybe now we can go back to Ausai, Asu, Oz and fetch him abck to us. With us. I meant with us.

If thats wherehe is.

BILLY. WHER E ARE YOU?fa;ffngn gnh

It turns out that Australia is quite a bit bigger than I realised.

I've been here looking for Billy for a week and haven't bumped into anyone yet, even though I think Orli and Craig are round here somewhere as well!

And it's not like I'm skiving off. I've been really really devoted to the hunt! I'm spending so much time looking that Elijah and I have gone down to having sex just twice a day. And I've enlisted Hannah in the search as well. But we just can't seem to find anyone!

I have something really important that I urgently need to speak to Billy about. I've never needed my best mate more than I do now, and he's gone off his head and run to the land of outbackers and marsupials.

I hope he's all right. This place was originally a prison colony, you know! Though if it's punishment to be sent to sunny here from rainy, gloomy England, I can see why my homeland has so much crime...

[

mood

|

anxious

]

Elijah and I have arrived back in New Zealand!

I am tired of constantly being apart from my best mate. Billy can't seem to get away from me fast enough these days. Well, I'm not having it any more. I'll find out what's under his collar and help him fix it. I miss him!

And I have another reason for wanting to return to New Zealand just now.

It's been five years, and I still love Elijah just as much as I did on the day we met and fell at first sight. We've had our ups and downs but through it all, I always want to be by his side.

I don't know how exactly I'm going to ask, but I'm determined that this trip, while we're here in New Zealand where we met... I'm going to pop the question.

[

mood

|

thirsty

]

Happy birthday to me!

For my birthday, I would like for the metallic taste in my mouth to go away.

Why didn't someone tell me that was Orlando's robot before I snogged him?

Ptui. PTUI.

[

mood

|

jubilant

]

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta! And even better to be a hobbit. Awwwwwwwwwww yeah.

Though I have to admit, I wasn't having at ALL a good time early on.

You see, I got separated from Elijah after we escaped the hotel. In a bit of an echo of the end of The Two Towers, I happened to notice Christopher Lee on the roof of the Adagio Hotel! Billy and I found the moment such a funny bit of deja vu that we started running our lines from that scene, and of course we'd forgotten most of them, so we improvised instead, and soon we had each other rolling on the ground.

We gave Chris a hand (or four) down, but by then, my lovely Lijah had wandered off! So Billy and I went in search of him.

We didn't get far when Elijah appeared-- wringing wet, with crackling sparks all round him! Of course we realised straightaway it was the Elijah robot, and Billy attacked at once, beating it savagely with his makeshift bagpipes and then with a handy rock. I think he got a bit of a shock off the robot though, or maybe the trauma was too much, cos afterward he seemed really dazed, repeating, "I killed Elijah!" again and again.

We were just having a look about for the real Lij and a place to have a victory pint when we were whisked off by the_pr for the Wellington premiere.

( Where we took LOADS OF PICTURES!Collapse )

[

mood

|

quixotic

]

Everyone's gone. Viggo rallied the lot, we're all vimmed and vigoured up and chafing to go to battle. I have my helmet-- all right, it's a pot, but it'll do, and a tea-tray for a shield. It's time to take back the set and finish these films, once and for all!

So... I suppose what I'm try to say is... Elijah, would you please, please, please get dressed?

[

mood

|

shocked

]

*dons sunglasses, holds up tanning reflector*

I wonder why I never see Orli round here by the pool anymore. Craig either.

Well, suppose they're in that 'newlywed' phase where they do nothing but shag.

*grins* That's meant to end eventually, isn't it? Hm, Lij and I might slow down in a decade or so...

*badboybilleh comes near.*

Hiya, miss.

*double-takes*

[

mood

|

confused

]

I have a sort of a strange problem. thickwood, littlesistah, this question relates to matters of absolutely no concern to you, so, no need to read on. Now, my other dear friends, please commence...

You see, I heard from a friend back in Manchester the other day. And this friend had an odd experience. Seems the poor chap suffered a knock to the brainpan and was in a bit of a fog for a day or two. And when he woke up, it was the strangest thing. He was in bed with his boyfriend and his boyfriend's sister.

How very odd!, you might say, and rightly so. Quite peculiar and not a little embarrassing!, oh yes, right you are. A terribly awkward situation. For my friend, of course.

Now, his boyfriend is extremely extremely lovely and wonderful and unbelievably, amazingly hot, and the bloke in question is no slouch himself, and both are young and adventurous yet faithfully secure in their feelings for one another... so they've long had a sort of an open relationship. Still, there are some things which are a bit beyond the pale, and I fear that sister-sleeping-with is likely to be one of those things.

Granted, my friend does not recall accomplishing anything untoward with regards to the young miss, but the boyfriend has been behaving in a classically jealous fashion: he broods and pouts constantly, yet clings to the bloke as though trying to prevent further straying. Meanwhile, the comely sis seems to be eyeing the bloke with a certain interest which he had not detected in her mien before.

Naturally my friend is very distraught about causing his boyfriend any such woe over an indiscretion, particularly one that he doesn't even remember committing in the first place. Not to mention, either doing wrong by the sister of his boyfriend, or leading her on: it's disgraceful behaviour either way. Now, should he proffer the excuse that he was under the influence of a blow to the noggin at that time? Should he be a man and accept the consequences of his actions, whatever they might have been? Should he follow the siblings' lead, and simply refrain from addressing the topic at all?

What do you think? What advice might I relay back to my friend? Answers on a postcard, please, care of the Adagio Hotel; or you may reply here, and thank you.

[

mood

|

confused

]

*wakes up... sort of... on the bed with Hannah wrapped around him like a python*

Hmmm. Oof, my head. I feel terrible. Must've drunk lorry-loads last night.

*stands up, stumbles*

Need aspirin. And Pedialyte. Where does Lij keep that stuff... ugh, my head...

*vaguely wanders toward the bath, opens the wrong door and stumbles out into the hotel hallway*

*is immediately barrelled over by a human moving !!!!!*

Er... Orli? *squints*

[

mood

|

chipper

]

*hears the sound of knocking, fidgeting, and thong wedgie-adjustment at the door.*

*tears himself away from a riveting solo game of Cup*

*opens the door*

Hiya!

[

mood

|

cheerful

]

I went looking round the halls cos I heard stomping, and what did I see but Orli thundering about looking thoroughly narked off.

The other day Orli was a bit out of sorts and it resulted in some high-spirited, harmless tossing of H00bn00bs at the hotel staff.

The look on his face today, however, bodes ill for anyone in his path, and I fear to think how the H00bn00bs might be employed if someone were to cross him.

I suppose what I'm really trying to say in my own tactful roundabout way is, it would probably be best to steer clear of Orlando for the time being, and for God's sake, don't give him any biscuits.

This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood hobbit.

Nono, it's quite all right, no need to thank me. By the time I returned to our room, Elijah had gone off somewhere, so I'm just passing the time til he comes back. Room service has for some weird reason been delivering nothing but clam chowder no matter what we order lately, so I imagine he's seeing to that.

Oi, as long as I'm making PSAs, there's one other thing and I'm so embarrassed I didn't realise this before: Lij and I have had a Do Not Disturb sign hanging on the door nearly all the time we've been staying here. Which is a bit misleading. That's just to keep the staff from barging into the room before we've had a chance to dress and put away our paraphernilia. We didn't mean to recuse ourselves completely from our friends. The sign doesn't really apply to you lot!

Psssst... especially you, Billy.

Knock anytime.

[

mood

|

irritated

]

Oi! Who's up here throwing things?

Or is it some sort of miracle biscuit rain?

*He holds his hand out expectantly.*

No. As I thought-- no biscuit rain. So who's bloody well hurling biscuits about, eh? Some of us are trying to achieve interesting erotic effects with shower curtains, you know.

It's bad enough we were just taking a break to replenish our strength and I found out this bloody hotel doesn't have proper Hobnobs-- I was just going to complain to the concierge about these sodding things *irately shaking a bag of h00bn00bs* and these bloody "Tiglets" as well...

[

mood

|

happy

]

*stretches out on a chaise longue by the pool in his swim trunks and sighs happily*

Phew. What an absolute terror that man is. Here we are, four years on, still can't keep our hands off each other.

What day is it? What week is it?

Ah well. Don't suppose it matters. Someone would've told us if they needed us.

*puts on his sunglasses and holds a tanning reflector under his chin*

Hmmm?

*Hearing someone coming, Dom looks over his shades quizzically.*

[

mood

|

good

]

Sorry we haven't been especially sociable lately. I hear loads of activity in the halls, and I'm sure everyone's been having a mad time while we all get over our collective ailment.

It's just, Andy was giving me this quite interesting sermon just before we came to the hotel, and it got my... curiosity... up, so Elijah and I talked a bit about it, and then we found the Bible in the night table next to the bed. Who knew that the Bible had all these fascinating, kinky stories in?

It's very, you know. Inspiring. And with the excellent room service here, it's hard to find much reason to ever leave our room.

I'm sure we'll rejoin the rest of the crew soon. If nothing else, we'll run out of Bible eventually.

[

mood

|

irritated

]

My dagger of Westernesse is missing. The hero one, the one I usually wear during shooting, the one that I'd feel absolutely deprived and unprepared and out of character without-- yeah, that one. Gone.

I wonder what sticky-fingered, shiny-thing-loving personage round here could have possibly nicked it.

Whoever it is could just return the dagger. Then I wouldn't have to toss the suspect's flat looking for it-- and believe me, my time in the nick taught me how to properly strip-search a room by inches, though not how to put it back together again, if you follow me.

So, if that person *cough*Andy*cough* would mind just putting the dagger back where they found it, we'd all be the better for it. Thank you.

Fabulous weekend, completely wonderful. Lij and I spent both our days off at Billy's flat. Orli and Craig were round, and the five of us had the most fantastic time together, really, it was colossal. Orli and Craig have this weird sort of playground dynamic, they're constantly winding one another up, it's really interesting and under the proper circumstances, really really hot. Lij and I were thrilled cos we've both fancied Craig for ages and hadn't quite ever hooked up with him during the main shoot, so it was a treat to have him in with us, as well as Orli and Billy... of course we're already quite mad about both of them. It was stunning, just stultifying in its goodness, it really was.

The next morning, Craig and Orli went swanning off together... Lij and I stayed with Billy, and oh, the times we had, the three of us. I don't know why we haven't done this more often. It's so good. Call me selfish if you like, but having the two friends who mean the most to me, together... and I do mean having them, together... it's so amazing. It's really indescribable.

Sadly neither Lij nor I had a change of clothes-- and though we mainly weren't dressed in anything at all for most of the weekend, nevertheless, we wore the same clothes when we left as we did when we arrived, days before. I may not be the tidiest person on earth, but I'm not in the habit of wearing the same thing day after day either.

And you know, it's strange how recycled pants have a sort of... crinkly, unpleasant, itchy feeling. I changed as soon as we were back at ours, but that sort of odd itchy feeling just lingers. It's quite uncomfortable really. We've had shower after shower but it doesn't seem to help. Ah well. Maybe it'll just wear off after a good night's rest. To sleep, perchance to dream!

Prison's not been bad really, aside from the separation from Elijah which is very taxing, and of course I miss Billy terribly as well.

Still, it's not such a trial to make my way here in gaol. I just do my best impersonation of Ali G. and I fit right in.

Our hearings are coming up shortly. One of the friendlier guards told me that in order to avoid reporters and fans mobbing the court, we might have some sort of closed session at during off hours or the like. That's fine with me as long as it's soon.

There was a bit of a stir this week. A new fish was put in the holding tank. It came out that this new bloke, "Mr. V" I think, was in for sending threatening emails or sommat. Said he'd boil someone's arms off or something. Really gruesome stuff.

Any road, the rumours were absolutely flying, and the other prisoners were staying well clear of this fellow. But then when the guards went to transfer him to a cell, they did a search and discovered the bloke was really a teenage girl. Can't imagine how she fooled anyone! Of course she was shipped off to a girls' reform school straight away.

Still, it's funny how things go when people are all shut up together in close quarters like this. Since the debacle with "Mr. V" there's already been loads more arguments and fighting. There was a huge huge fight just last night, the most appalling row started cos someone's graffiti got erased. Turned out the person that drew the first bit of the graffiti is the one who rubbed it off the wall, but in the meantime it was quite the racket, and people are still grumbling about it in their cells even now.

Does your head in a bit, I think, being hemmed in like this. If I couldn't tap on the pipe to communicate with Elijah and Billy, I think I'd go mad. All these people just arguing and fussing over nothing, absolutely nothing really.

Well, just have to muddle through, I suppose. It's not as though we're free to go!

[

mood

|

happy

]

[Int. Prison Day - the Commissary]

*Dom gets in the lunch line, grimacing as the cooks dish out pasty lumps of food from the steam tables.*

Grouchy Prisoner Up Ahead: Is that a skirt, boy?

Incensed Reply: Excuse me? Wha' was that? A skirt? A SKIRT? Look here, you kiwi bastard, this is no' skirt. It's a kilt, and a fucking rare tartan and all. If ye'd taken ten minutes off from all that sheep shagging-- I mean rustling, slip o' the tongue, do excuse me-- ye might've noticed that it's the national dress o' Scotland! *mutters* Skirt my arse...

*Beaming happily, Dom perks up.*

Billy?!

There are drawbacks, now and then, to being funnier than a penguin playing banjo.

For example, when you-- hypothetically-- are visiting your mate who's been unjustly imprisoned for assault, and get quite tired of the prison guard calling your friend, variously, "that dozy Scottish psychopath", "the short one what likes cutting peoples up and such", "the one that won't be seeing daylight for a few years, I'll tell you that much for free" and "that bit of all right"(?!) while manhandling said innocent friend and generally just behaving in an intolerable manner towards someone you absolutely cannot bear to see hurt-- and then you, say, for example, keep telling the guard to lay off it every time you visit until finally he shoves your handcuffed friend too hard, sending him stumbling the ground, and you snap and invite him to step outside with you, and then when he calls you a poncy little furry-footed nelly, you forget to bother with the "going outside" bit and also forget about the part where he's a police officer and therefore reel off a (might I say, well-delivered and quite powerful) punch to his delicate blown-glass jaw, flooring him and enraging him such that he attempts to retaliate only to be set upon and bitten by your furious boyfriend-- well, if you have a reputation for comedy, and you phone up Peter Jackson from prison to tell him about all this, you might just find yourself stuck in gaol with Pete laughing in your ear, "Good one, Dom. Very funny! Well, if you and Elijah want to take some time off, we've rearranged the schedule to accommodate the elves going missing. We're working mainly with David and Miranda for a while. So you're free for a couple of weeks-- I'll send you a call sheet. Have a good time!" while your stomach sinks and the dialtone drones desolately in your ear.

Er, just putting this forward as a what-if, you understand.

Oh, sod it. We're in prison. And yes it's awful and miserable and boo hoo, except actually 1) It's a low-security New Zealand prison so it doesn't seem all that bad and 2) In a way, it's a lot like working on a film. You can't leave a confined area; you have to sit or stand around all day, go wherever you're told to go and do whatever you're told to do. So it's all the bad, boring parts of making movies, with the good bit of actually making the movie subtracted out and replaced with vicious yard fights.

At first, Elijah and I were put in the holding cell with a couple of off-their-heads drunks and a weary, constantly sleeping bloke who was in for unpaid parking tickets. So we passed the time in our usual way, with nigh-constant cuddling and shagging. But after a couple of days, we were moved into proper prison cells-- I'm in a cell with one of the drunks. I'm not exactly sure where Lij is, he's around a corner from me, but he seems to be all right; he's in with the unpaid parking ticket bloke.

We've been communicating through morse code. If you've never had morse code sex, I quite recommend it. Especially when your other options are lying in a bunk staring up at the ceiling missing your boyfriend so desperately you feel you might scream.

I am now terribly worried about Billy, though. We were giving him loads of cigarettes to keep his scary cellmate Trevor from making untoward advances on our Bills. Now, as we're in prison as well, there aren't any more cigarettes. Trevor's due to sober up any day now.

Tch, and I'm nearly at the end of my time-- we get Internet privileges for good behaviour, but not for very long.

We seem to be quite bogged down in the NZ legal system since we don't have citizenship, so it'll probably take ages to spring us; if anyone reads this, please don't delay!

But don't fret about us too much either. So far we are bearing up well enough here, and at least Billy isn't alone any more. Elijah's in the cell right near Billy's and has been trying to keep his spirits up.

There's probably not much more that we or anyone else can do for the moment. However, a few more cartons of cigarettes for Billy wouldn't go amiss. Ta.

[

mood

|

angry

]

Elijah and I have been trying to visit Billy, and help him get sprung from the clink as quickly as possible. The whole thing is just such a ridiculous misunderstanding. I can't believe the_pr isn't doing something about this!

Billy told us that his cellmate is a huge bloke named Trevor. He says Trevor has so many of those jailhouse teardrop tattoos on his face, you'd think he'd been caught out in an ink rain.

Apparently Trevor has claimed Billy as his bitch, (which had Elijah poking me and saying TOLDJA!) But according to Billy, Trevor's been drinking loads of jailhouse wine (made from fruit juice, mouldy bread, &c all sealed in a bin liner and left to ferment for weeks; can also be used as industrial-strength paint thinner) and it's done his head in, so all Trevor does is lay on his bunk and make threats and occasionally groan.

Lij gave Billy all his cigarettes to trade away for more wine to keep Trevor comatose.

I thought the studio would be on this in a snap, but I wonder if they really know what's going on around here? the_pr always seems to control all the channels of communication...

Any road, it's clear I can't count on them to act quickly, or not quickly enough, considering my best friend's been left to the tender mercies of Trevor the Murderous Bread Mould Paint Thinner Fiend.

Right, we'll sort it ourselves then. To do tomorrow: find a solicitor.