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I've been in this damn hotel for almost a week now, and I'm still nae closer tae achieving my evil aimsDom.  the_pr stipulated tha' he and I share a hotel room, for the documentary and all, but as soon as we arrive he comes up tae me and says 'oh, Billy mate, you won't mind if Lij moves into this room, do you? You're welcome to stay, of course, if you don't think we'll get on your nerves too much.'
Well, I couldnae exactly say 'no', could I, not wi' Lij actually in the process o' lugging all his bags intae the place. And he looks at me and says 'hey man, this is really good of you! you know, they had me sharing a room with sean, but i really wasn't comfortable doing that. i know he's supposed to be better now and all, but i just don't feel safe without dommie'.
So, stupid me, I say all meek 'oh, o' course that's nae problem, Dom. In fact, I can do a room swap wi' Lij, it'll make things easier'.
Fuckin' idiot.
And obviously they're effusive wi' their thanks and everything, 'oh Billy, you're such a good friend, we really appreciate this, we do', 'if you ever get bored, our door is always open' etc. Well and good, perhaps, but I don't want tae be the one forever creeping around hotel corridors at midnight, knocking in code on the door and waiting out tae see if I'm going tae be allowed in. I should be in there already, ken.
Anyway, off I trundle tae Lij's room, where Sean is already installed. I tried tae unpack but the cupboard in the bathroom was fuckin' full o' bottles o' pills. Also, the curtains had been replaced wi' an American flag, so everything was bloody red-white-and-blue hurting my eyes. I thought I'd have a drink or three tae settle me down, but the bastard had only gone and replaced all the bottles in the mini-bar wi' herbal cordials and assorted crap.
Fine, I thought, there's a bottle'ae Scotch in my bag, that'll do nicely, but before I could get tae it Sean basically thrust me down on the bed and proceeded tae show me pictures of his children. Then he showed me pictures of him wi' half the Presidents of the USA, and then he tried tae teach me the Declaration of Independence.
blah blah blah fucking land o' the free or some such. I just wanted tae get pissed by this stage, but he was having none o' it. I can see why Lij was sae desperate tae get away. Finally, the pills kicked in or something, because he fell asleep, and I crept out in tae the corridor.
Orlando and Craig were there; they'd commandeered a couplae catering carts and seemed dead set on riding them intae the pool. They asked me tae join in, so I agreed - anything's better than moping around in a hotel room decorated like the Oval Office, wi' a fat snoring loon. It was good fun, actually - I've always liked orlando, and even Craig's no' sae bad when he's not moaning about his fingernails or whatever.
Only, then they started tae get a bit distracted by each other, and I didnae fancy being a wallflower in yet another relationship, so I escaped the wrath o' the hotel staff and went back upstairs. Where I discovered that the chlorine in the pool had bleached my favourite black shirt all nasty.
Did manage tae find the Scotch in the end, and, fortified wi' alcohol, I decided tae see if Dom and Lij's door really *was* open.
I have never been sae traumatised in my entire life.
No' even when we found uncle Hamish wearing grandma's knickers, in bed wi' the milkman. It seems that the two o' them had discovered one o' those Bibles left by the gideons or whoever, and - in a fit o' boredom - had embarked on a re-enactment o' some o' the naughty bits.
I don't just mean the Song of Songs - I mean, 'thy breasts are like two roe deer that are twins yadda yadda' doesnae really apply, say what ye like about Elijah's man-boobs. No, i mean the stuff about the Israelites being enslaved, and whipped and all.
My brother is an hairy man, but I am a smooth man.
They were touched wi' tongues of fire.
Jezebel.
Well, eventually, they deigned tae notice my presence, and Dom was all like 'hey, Bills, you can be the Pharoah!'.
But, you see, Moses and Aaron didnae have much use for Pharoah once he'd let their people go. I just crept away, in the end.
And now I'm sitting by the pool - even though I'm no' an elf - drinking fucking Screaming Orgasms. The hotel staffer seemed most insistent that I make up my mind quickly, for some reason, and it was the first thing that came tae mind. Funny, that.
I want tae go home.
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