Nodo 'Bagling sent me a text message, asking if we could please talk. A year late and a whole lotta things short, buddy. He was promptly told never to contact me again. And hey, so far, so good.

So, because I've been in a reflective mood of late, I decided to read over some of my old tags.

( Contemplating my own metaphorical navel.Collapse )

As I was walking home yesterday, I had one of those odd little breakthrough moments: I'm happy. Really happy. Not fake-happy, not fake-it-'til-ya-make-it happy. I'm genuinely happy with where I am in life right now. And it's not rose-colored glasses. Things aren't perfect, but there's no drama and lots of growth going on. Considering where I was five months ago, it kind of shocked me a little.

In true navel-gazey fashion, I started thinking about what brought on this change and my mind kept wandering back to my annual birthday tarot reading. I'd gotten it about a week after my breakup, and I was still verging on tears every ten minutes or so at that point. And one thing she said rang really true: if you're going to be happy, you need to do your homework. And for the past few months, that's exactly what I've done. I got a counselor, I cut negative and untrustworthy folk out of my life, and I poured my time into things I was passionate about. I did it all with deliberate intention. And the result is that I now feel more centered and fulfilled than I can remember ever feeling.

( Headspace.Collapse )

Anyway, I got pretty rambly there, but overall I just wanted to document my little happy moment on a relatively quiet walk home.

On the design front, yesterday was a banner day. I kind of went to bed in shock. Pleasant shock, but yeah. Shock. Step one is to pack up all the ready-to-go stuff. Step two is to do commissions-- of which I got four yesterday. Step three is to buy more supplies. I won an auction for more clock parts, 'cause I enjoyed those bits so much. Also, after sitting down and doing my taxes last night (omg, real adulthood!), I've started working on budgeting out bigger expenses. My refund will cover the BR Winter Fire weekend, then I'm going to start ordering precious gems in higher quantity, which works out to a better value overall. That said, I anticipate $70 leaving my paypal account for one strand of beads being kind of panic-inducing. But hey... that's a definite sign of growth. And after all that? The saving begins for my tattoo.

To that end, I've contacted neopolaris, who will be designing it. The idea is going to be about an 8" art nouveau-stylized flowering vine along my right oblique, with a big stargazer lily and some other flowers as well, like maybe morning glories. I want greens and pinks and little touches of purplish-blue. My next update will likely go straight towards paying that off. Having a reminder of blooming potential on my body feels like the right thing.

I'm all over the place today. For one-- apology to my usual gchat buds-- I don't have as much chatting time this week in general, so it's nothing personal. I assume everybody has my cell number to call after work, and there's always email!

Haven't posted my FreeWillAstrology for the week yet, but that's because I've been saving up links on my home laptop for about a week that I think will fit perfectly. Lest anyone fear that I've lost my sense of humor in the last month of absolute seriousness, I assure you, this is not the case. I also wanna at least acknowledge the enormity of the recent BPAL Yuletide update and my thoughts on the samples of the Halloweenies I'm trying. So that's also percolating.

Payday is a good day. So far, I've paid off my bills, budgeted for necessities, and have ordered myself a shiny new cd after hearing sample tracks that sparked my dancer's imagination. I put a downpayment on my "Open" sacred heart necklace from Parrish Relics. I scouted reviews on Amazon for nonfiction/ personal growth books that have been recommended to me. So if anyone has thoughts on The Celestine Prophecy or The Illusion of Love, both of which I'll probably read in the near future, I'm glad to hear 'em. I also want to read Rob Breszny's Pronoia. I tend to read almost anything with an open mind, but that certainly doesn't mean that I swallow anything just because it got published. :) I also have to remind myself to review It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken and also the book that Ariel gave me that I've been laboring through. On top of that, I have Written on the Body, Snake Hips, and about ten kajillion other books on my waiting list.

If you're waiting on any packages from me, everything is either in the mail or will be tomorrow. I'm getting things moving.

tamnonlinear and reedrover take note: I'm also going to schedule a MakeupFu class for the second week in November. (For those curious, I have repeatedly been told that I have GirlFu with regards to makeup, jewelry, and putting together outfits when I want to.) At this point, a fair number of my friends have asked me to teach them basic cosmetics stuff-- how to do everyday makeup-- eyes, in particular. Bridget, Sarah, and Jenny all want lessons, and I know that Abby, Colleen, and a couple of others have asked as well. Also, hey-- this is totally not gender-specific, guys are welcome too, if that's your cup 'o tea. The second week of November seems the best time for this-- probably Saturday the 10th or Sunday the 11th, but I'm open to suggestion. If you're local and are interested, shoot me an email. I think I'm just going to make it a potluck, with a dish as the price of admission. :)

Weekend is shaping up nicely: Mediaeval Baebes concert with Julian, RenFest with Ariel and Abby where I hope to bump into other LJ peeps (so if you see me, hug me!), birthday stuff for Anna on Sunday. Tonight is hella busy for me, though, because in addition to the usual dance stuff, I have some counseling-related stuff to start on, and jewelry to finish. I am terribly excited about dinner tonight: last night at Trader Joe's, I bought grape tomatoes, gala apples, baby greens, and cranberry walnut gorgonzola dressing. So good and fresh and just... gnagh. Words fail. In general, though I have been doing my best to be in bed by 11:30 (I find I sleep better that way), and my heated blanket has been working wonders with that, let me tell you.

A side note? Abby brought me pumpkin ice cream. From Ohio. In good condition. And it is awesome. Like pumpkin pie filling, but cold. Really spicy. Yum.

( And a little bit of heavier stuff.Collapse )

And that's all that's fit to print right now, folks!

So, my weekend had been going well up until about 10:30pm last night. But I'll get to that later. I had a great hangout with Abby on Thursday, and we watched a good movie and had a fantastic heart-to-heart. It always feels good to me when I have conversations that really highlight for me important life stuff-- it gives me the opportunity to clarify and refine and check in with myself through the lens of someone who loves me and wants the best for me. I am very lucky to have a good number of such people in my life-- people who I can trust to nurture my vulnerability and see me at my very lowest and still love and respect me. Who will cut me slack when I'm in so far over my head that I'm barely keeping head above water. I find that the people with which one surrounds themselves says a lot about a person. I am blessed to have strong, honest, active, compassionate, passionate, generous friends who not only have respect for others, but for themselves as well. They don't hesitate to tell me about myself when I'm off the path. This is why they are my friends-- because I trust them to share my life.

( And now for the anger and swearing.Collapse )

Virgo:: If forced to decide between being filthy rich and living with one's soulmate, 92 percent of the population would choose the big bucks. I hope that's not your position, Virgo. In fact, I hope you're not the kind of person who would even agree to entertain a question like that. The fact is, you won't have to choose between love and money in the coming weeks, even if that initially seems to be the case. I urge you to hold out for both the $10 million AND the romantic bliss. Formulate a clear intention that you won't sacrifice material security for emotional intimacy, or vice versa.

I don't even know what to say to that. I've gotten a lot of odd rumblings about money coming my way lately, but I don't know how. I certainly would love that, as well as the romantic bliss, but I have to say, the romantic bliss seems pretty unlikely right now. That said, I have always been the bleeding-heart type to take love over money. Would that romantic bliss were possible for me right now. I can't even speak to the person I love, and that is a wound that will be a long time closing.

( Coming to terms.Collapse )

I know that it sounds like I'm repeating myself a lot. And I am. I have to remind myself of these things. Processes, especially hard growth processes, require consistency and repetition. I am up to the challenge.

In any case, my weekend is shaping up to be interesting. :) I'm actually looking forward to this. I'm starting to get my appetite for life back. I'm starting to come out of depression-land, slow and steady. I will be okay. One foot in front of the other.

( Anger, sadness, gratitude.Collapse )

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

This sorrow I feel is all of my tears. I gave this relationship my whole heart and all of my love. I have no doubt that I'll reap what I sowed, and some day I will find someone who will love me back in kind. The same lesson, again and again. I am made of love. It is who I am. It is my nature to give love, to give comfort. Still I am pruned, and still I grow.

There are months of consistent hard work ahead of me. Not so nebulous now, but becoming clearer by the day. And each step is uphill. Each step is hard. I don't have the luxury of calling distractions 'progress.' I know that each excruciating step is mine alone to take, though I have friends behind me to catch me if my knees start to buckle. I've got what I need-- an open heart, listening ears, a strong will, integrity, and best of all, self-knowledge. Onward.

Whistler: There's moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes, they're not. Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really, but it does... So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.
-- Becoming, Part I

I'll probably be using this journal as a documenting point for a lot of the work I'll be doing on myself in the coming months-- it's easier for me than carrying a paper journal, and I like the way I can edit and refine digital thoughts as they become more clear. Things will be getting kinda heavy for awhile, and if that's not your cuppa, you might want to check back in a few months. Many posts will disallow comments-- solely because such posts are headspace posts for me and don't necessarily require feedback in general. Some will have comments allowed, and that's cool, too-- I understand that people might have similar experiences to talk about, and that's okay to talk about. I'd like to say thanks, though, for everyone who's given me support and kind words. It was needed and is appreciated.

( Headspace.Collapse )

Went to faire today and had about as good of a time as I could have, all things considered. I got hangout time with Abby, Diana, Ariel, Jim, Colleen, and Greg (plus a little Liz & Phil, and Sati & Ric, Marda, plus a random assortment of college people). I am floored at how many people asked to take my picture. Seriously, it was all day long. My favorite was a father who asked for his two young daughters, who were bashfully shy. I felt a little bit like a Disney princess. Of course, there was also the father who asked for his son. I expected him to be, like, four or something. Homeboy was around fifteen. Best compliment of the day: an older lady came up to me and told me it was her first time at faire. She said that she'd seen a lot of beautiful costumes, but I was the first person she found that really looked beautiful in the costume. It's good to know that there are people out there who practice random acts of kindness that can erase a lot of the mindless negativity people inflict on one another. I had my hard moments today-- I kept thinking how Skyler was supposed to be there with me; other plans we made that vanished so quickly, and I still don't understand why. But my friends were there with lots of hugs, because they're good people like that. I also got a fantastic tarot reading that affirmed pretty much everything else that's going on in my life right now. I'm going to do a lot of internal housecleaning this winter, and in the spring, I will emerge glowing. The first card drawn was Strenth-- major arcana. A clear message. This is something I have in spades, and it will nurse me through this tough time.

At any rate, there will be pics from Ariel's camera when she downloads them.

Emotionally, things are going. I have decided on one thing: not to distract myself from the pain I am experiencing. I mean, I don't really want to dwell on it either, but I know that will be nigh impossible while the wounds are so fresh. But I'm going to go through it. My reading said to do the homework, and I will. I'm buckling down for the ride, and I'm going to talk it out and cry it out and scream it out and punch pillows and then write it all down. I'm going to be literate about my emotions. I'm going to do the work, not just talk about doing the work while I do everything I can to distract myself. I can do it because I'm strong, I have integrity, and because it will make me a better person and more worthy of the kind of relationship I want and deserve. I certainly know I deserve a lot better than the one I had, as much as I love Skyler and miss him dearly. I deserve better. And I'm going to get it.