Further processing.

Virgo:: If forced to decide between being filthy rich and living with one's soulmate, 92 percent of the population would choose the big bucks. I hope that's not your position, Virgo. In fact, I hope you're not the kind of person who would even agree to entertain a question like that. The fact is, you won't have to choose between love and money in the coming weeks, even if that initially seems to be the case. I urge you to hold out for both the $10 million AND the romantic bliss. Formulate a clear intention that you won't sacrifice material security for emotional intimacy, or vice versa.

I don't even know what to say to that. I've gotten a lot of odd rumblings about money coming my way lately, but I don't know how. I certainly would love that, as well as the romantic bliss, but I have to say, the romantic bliss seems pretty unlikely right now. That said, I have always been the bleeding-heart type to take love over money. Would that romantic bliss were possible for me right now. I can't even speak to the person I love, and that is a wound that will be a long time closing.

I'm coming to terms with things. I may never have concrete reasons why things ended so abruptly, or at least ones that make sense to me and are in line with my experiences. This is what I do know: In the last week we were together, I experienced problems involving time-management and worked to find ways to compromise. And we found a compromise, though he said he was angry about the process we underwent to come to an agreement. Before we had the chance to enact the compromise, however, the relationship was abruptly ended. I stated the desire and willingness to work on communication both alone (with a counselor, which I am doing) and together (with a relationship counselor who would help us to merge our conflict style in a way that would suit us both better) in order to keep the relationship that I wanted and found valuable. Despite words six months ago that "[he wanted] nothing more than to fix it, to work it out, to make us whole with one another again, and [he] will go to great lengths to do it, changing whatever [he] need[s] to change to cultivate a healthy bond," when it came down to it, by his own admission, he felt that doing the work most likely to help with the management of our conflict styles was not worth his effort. This saddens me immensely. However, I do know in my heart that this is not the same thing as I was not worth his effort, even though it feels that way. That is my own distinction to make and pain to deal with.

But I did my part. I voiced willingness and ways to meet my partner's voiced needs. I asked him to reconsider, he refused, and now my hands are tied. Yes, there are parts of me that still want him to reconsider. But I know that unless there is a true desire and will on his part to do what it takes to cultivate a strong relationship, as there is or was on mine, nothing will ever come of it, and we'd just end up in this same place again. We can both agree that that is not something we want. And so we go on alone. This breakup and loneliness is what neither of us wants, and yet he considers it to be the only option. I have to accept his decision, even though I see things very differently and find this pain to be completely unnecessary. But it is what it is, and this is the portion I was given. I love him and I miss him and I want the best for him. This is where I let go.

So. I can do no more and can simply work on myself, which I am doing. I am continuing some of the work that I started before, identifying things in myself that need to change and working to change them. My counselor is really good, and I'm starting to see small bits of progress already. This is a long road, and it will go on. I will not say "can't." I will not be defined by limitations. I will continue to be open and honest and loving, identifying bits of emotional debris that clog my heartlines and communication so that I can minimize them as much as possible. It was a process I started six months ago, and it continues to this day. I am not perfect, I falter. But I correct myself and reassert what is important to me, what I love, what my priorities are. I am a fine partner, and I will find someone who will meet the level of effort that I put into my relationships. It will get better.

I know that it sounds like I'm repeating myself a lot. And I am. I have to remind myself of these things. Processes, especially hard growth processes, require consistency and repetition. I am up to the challenge.

In any case, my weekend is shaping up to be interesting. :) I'm actually looking forward to this. I'm starting to get my appetite for life back. I'm starting to come out of depression-land, slow and steady. I will be okay. One foot in front of the other.