Anger, sadness, gratitude.
I keep telling myself that it will be okay. Dealing with this is hard. It's taking up a lot of my energy. I'm dealing with a lot of anger. A lot of sadness. I want to yell and scream and I want to hug and soothe all at once, and my hands can't reconcile the need to ball up and reach out simultaneously. I don't understand why so often strength feels like weakness and weakness can so easily masquerade as strength. The path ahead of me is clear, but I feel a little bit like Eurydice-- life ahead and yet so sorely tempted to look back to ruin. So many emotions rioting in me. So sad that I can't reach out. So angry because I feel robbed. I feel like Persephone underground, dreaming of Spring.
I am so angry. I hate that nothing I said made it through. Again. I'm angry that I gave and compromised and tried, and it had no effect. I'm angry that my work went unacknowledged. I am angry I was told that I am unequal. I am angry that this happened right before my birthday. I am angry because I was not his priority. I am angry that I did not get one single concrete example of why. I am angry that I don't have the luxury of being lulled into my own bullshit. I am angry that my body is punishing me for things that are not my doing.
I am so sad. I am sad that I miss him-- friend, lover, dance partner. I am sad because I feel like he gave up on us after all of his promises of dedication mere months ago. I am sad that I believed all those words and bought into them with my heart. I am sad because I thought I was in a partnership, that we were in it together. I am sad because I can no longer kiss good morning. I am sad that he is not acting like the beautiful man that I know he can be. I am sad because I miss Coloful Frog.
I am grateful. I am grateful for Brandie for her frankness and experience. I am grateful to Bart for his warmth and openness. I am grateful for Ariel for her dedication and love. I am grateful for Jeff and for Don for their time. I am grateful for Anna and her insight. I am grateful to Flissy for sharing her dance with me. I am grateful to Russell and Joe and Tessy and Sarah M and Sarah B and Chris and Marc for standing by me and giving me hugs and promises of hangouts to come. I am grateful to Dixie and Jayson for their wisdom and guidance. I am grateful to the scores of other people who love me and offer me constant words of support. I am grateful for myself for standing stronger this time. Stronger than the last, stronger still than the time before. More certain of who I am, what I am here for, and what I deserve in this life. I am grateful for the strength that pushes me on.
This sorrow I feel is all of my tears. I gave this relationship my whole heart and all of my love. I have no doubt that I'll reap what I sowed, and some day I will find someone who will love me back in kind. The same lesson, again and again. I am made of love. It is who I am. It is my nature to give love, to give comfort. Still I am pruned, and still I grow.
There are months of consistent hard work ahead of me. Not so nebulous now, but becoming clearer by the day. And each step is uphill. Each step is hard. I don't have the luxury of calling distractions 'progress.' I know that each excruciating step is mine alone to take, though I have friends behind me to catch me if my knees start to buckle. I've got what I need-- an open heart, listening ears, a strong will, integrity, and best of all, self-knowledge. Onward.
I am so angry. I hate that nothing I said made it through. Again. I'm angry that I gave and compromised and tried, and it had no effect. I'm angry that my work went unacknowledged. I am angry I was told that I am unequal. I am angry that this happened right before my birthday. I am angry because I was not his priority. I am angry that I did not get one single concrete example of why. I am angry that I don't have the luxury of being lulled into my own bullshit. I am angry that my body is punishing me for things that are not my doing.
I am so sad. I am sad that I miss him-- friend, lover, dance partner. I am sad because I feel like he gave up on us after all of his promises of dedication mere months ago. I am sad that I believed all those words and bought into them with my heart. I am sad because I thought I was in a partnership, that we were in it together. I am sad because I can no longer kiss good morning. I am sad that he is not acting like the beautiful man that I know he can be. I am sad because I miss Coloful Frog.
I am grateful. I am grateful for Brandie for her frankness and experience. I am grateful to Bart for his warmth and openness. I am grateful for Ariel for her dedication and love. I am grateful for Jeff and for Don for their time. I am grateful for Anna and her insight. I am grateful to Flissy for sharing her dance with me. I am grateful to Russell and Joe and Tessy and Sarah M and Sarah B and Chris and Marc for standing by me and giving me hugs and promises of hangouts to come. I am grateful to Dixie and Jayson for their wisdom and guidance. I am grateful to the scores of other people who love me and offer me constant words of support. I am grateful for myself for standing stronger this time. Stronger than the last, stronger still than the time before. More certain of who I am, what I am here for, and what I deserve in this life. I am grateful for the strength that pushes me on.
Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
This sorrow I feel is all of my tears. I gave this relationship my whole heart and all of my love. I have no doubt that I'll reap what I sowed, and some day I will find someone who will love me back in kind. The same lesson, again and again. I am made of love. It is who I am. It is my nature to give love, to give comfort. Still I am pruned, and still I grow.
There are months of consistent hard work ahead of me. Not so nebulous now, but becoming clearer by the day. And each step is uphill. Each step is hard. I don't have the luxury of calling distractions 'progress.' I know that each excruciating step is mine alone to take, though I have friends behind me to catch me if my knees start to buckle. I've got what I need-- an open heart, listening ears, a strong will, integrity, and best of all, self-knowledge. Onward.
Whistler: There's moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes, they're not. Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really, but it does... So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.
-- Becoming, Part I