Weekend report.
Friday night, I went home to be with my parents for awhile. They took me out for my birthday-- to both a straight bar and a gay bar. This is progress, to be sure, but I bumped into my grandfather dating someone younger than my aunt and there was no one under 40 at the gay bar. Well, except an old school friend of mine, and it was really great to see him. But still. It's the thought that counts.
Saturday was hard. I called Skyler in the morning to make sure the mediation time worked for him, and also to see how he was doing. I told him that I missed him and loved him; he said he missed me and loved me, too. I said that this is not what I want; he said it's not what he wants, either. I said okay, well, maybe we can find a way to work through this, and that I'd see him soon. I had to go to a workshop at 12, and I'd talk to him later. Fifteen minutes before the workshop, he called back to clarify that he doesn't want to meet about reconciliation, but to talk about shadows. Needless to say, that was what was on my mind for three hours while I worked through the most physically strenuous workshop I have ever had. We did hard yoga, we did incredibly tough Suhaila-format strength-training, and then we attempted some of the hardest choreography I've ever learned. By the end, my shimmy was nothing more than my legs trembling from overexertion. I stuck it through to the end and got some useful tools, but overall-- I wish I had been better physically prepared and in a less troubled mindset.
I got home, then got a call from a friend that both detailed an untrue rumor that's going around, and so I had to call someone regarding that rumor and set it straight. The friend also told me something that I wish I could have found surprising, but I cannot. Went through me like a sword. Par for the course, I guess. Things are starting to make more sense.
I went out with Heather, Ashley, and Rac for Rac's last hurrah before she leaves to London for a year. I secretly envy her. How I wish I could just take off and leave this life behind for a little while. We had dinner, then went to Ram's Head, where we ran into Bryce, Farzan, Kristin Lagana, and a bunch of people that we knew in college that just happened to be in town for a wedding. It was like a mini-McDaniel reunion, and Bryce and Farzan entertained me with RenFest stories (they have season passes, which I never would have suspected). They're doing well, and maybe I'll see them next weekend. I went home with Ariel rather than stay the night. I was physically and emotionally at the end of my rope, and just needed quiet for awhile.
I'm glad I did. I came home to a birthday package from
zenmaster-- Yankee tarts in fall scents, a Stargazer Lily candle, my favorite dark chocolate, my favorite tea that I cannot get here, and a disc that I have not yet investigated. The best part? The card. I opened it up, and it started blaring the Star Wars theme. Jeff, thank you so much. Thank you for your kindness and your attention to detail. Thank you so much.
Sunday was spent with Ariel-- we got her oil changed and I bought Supernatural season 2 after Heather raved about it. We went to Trader Joe's and got food for a mini-feast. I burned a pumpkin tart and we had tea, eggs, and bacon while curling up underneath covers on the couch. The first chill of fall was creeping through the house, and we watched the show and napped for awhile. I also worked on getting clear with the final things I have to say to Skyler-- I read them to Dixie and she gave me suggestions on how to further clarify them. I've done all I could do, and now it's time to tie up the loose ends.
Before the night was over, Ariel and I ended up at Patient First to get her cough looked at, which was good, because as it turned out, she has mild Bronchitis. But she's on antibiotics now, and all will be well. I came home and watched Rome until I fell asleep.
Emotionally, I'm dealing, but it has not been easy. I can't reconcile that up until the last day I lived with him, we slept next to each other, we slept together, we woke up kissing and cuddling. And I can't have that any more. My dance partner is gone. And I don't understand. I don't understand what problems we had that were so insurmountable. I felt normal bumps-- compromises that have to be made when a couple decides to move in together. Some of those compromises were tough, but we were working through them, or so I thought. There was no vicious fighting, no namecalling. He said that it wasn't working. I hit me like a ton of bricks, and I'm reeling. We'd just gone out dancing, had a good time. We were making plans. If it wasn't working, why did those things happen? I don't understand why I can't have the life I was offered, the life that I wanted. Why I have to start all over again.
I want an adult relationship. I want my partner to have my back and offer me compassion and to voice and work on problems as they arise. It sounds like that can't happen here. I'm dealing with separation anxiety and a fair bit of anger. I'm doing my best to express it cleanly. Mostly I just feel so, so hurt. I listened, I forgave, I tried. I was willing to keep trying, to keep finding new tools. And now that's not an option. Accepting that will take some time. I'll probably be single for awhile while I grieve. And I will find someone else-- someone who will meet more of my needs and allow me to meet theirs. It will happen. I'm attractive and smart and talented and I've got a lot of heart and a strong will. Someone will be worthy of it. It might take awhile, but I will get the relationship I want eventually. I'm just sad that I thought I was working towards it with someone I really wanted to be with, and now I have to start all over again.
My birthday is tomorrow. I don't feel much like celebrating. Two weeks ago, he promised to get my favorite ice cream. I don't think that's happening now.
Saturday was hard. I called Skyler in the morning to make sure the mediation time worked for him, and also to see how he was doing. I told him that I missed him and loved him; he said he missed me and loved me, too. I said that this is not what I want; he said it's not what he wants, either. I said okay, well, maybe we can find a way to work through this, and that I'd see him soon. I had to go to a workshop at 12, and I'd talk to him later. Fifteen minutes before the workshop, he called back to clarify that he doesn't want to meet about reconciliation, but to talk about shadows. Needless to say, that was what was on my mind for three hours while I worked through the most physically strenuous workshop I have ever had. We did hard yoga, we did incredibly tough Suhaila-format strength-training, and then we attempted some of the hardest choreography I've ever learned. By the end, my shimmy was nothing more than my legs trembling from overexertion. I stuck it through to the end and got some useful tools, but overall-- I wish I had been better physically prepared and in a less troubled mindset.
I got home, then got a call from a friend that both detailed an untrue rumor that's going around, and so I had to call someone regarding that rumor and set it straight. The friend also told me something that I wish I could have found surprising, but I cannot. Went through me like a sword. Par for the course, I guess. Things are starting to make more sense.
I went out with Heather, Ashley, and Rac for Rac's last hurrah before she leaves to London for a year. I secretly envy her. How I wish I could just take off and leave this life behind for a little while. We had dinner, then went to Ram's Head, where we ran into Bryce, Farzan, Kristin Lagana, and a bunch of people that we knew in college that just happened to be in town for a wedding. It was like a mini-McDaniel reunion, and Bryce and Farzan entertained me with RenFest stories (they have season passes, which I never would have suspected). They're doing well, and maybe I'll see them next weekend. I went home with Ariel rather than stay the night. I was physically and emotionally at the end of my rope, and just needed quiet for awhile.
I'm glad I did. I came home to a birthday package from
zenmaster-- Yankee tarts in fall scents, a Stargazer Lily candle, my favorite dark chocolate, my favorite tea that I cannot get here, and a disc that I have not yet investigated. The best part? The card. I opened it up, and it started blaring the Star Wars theme. Jeff, thank you so much. Thank you for your kindness and your attention to detail. Thank you so much.Sunday was spent with Ariel-- we got her oil changed and I bought Supernatural season 2 after Heather raved about it. We went to Trader Joe's and got food for a mini-feast. I burned a pumpkin tart and we had tea, eggs, and bacon while curling up underneath covers on the couch. The first chill of fall was creeping through the house, and we watched the show and napped for awhile. I also worked on getting clear with the final things I have to say to Skyler-- I read them to Dixie and she gave me suggestions on how to further clarify them. I've done all I could do, and now it's time to tie up the loose ends.
Before the night was over, Ariel and I ended up at Patient First to get her cough looked at, which was good, because as it turned out, she has mild Bronchitis. But she's on antibiotics now, and all will be well. I came home and watched Rome until I fell asleep.
Emotionally, I'm dealing, but it has not been easy. I can't reconcile that up until the last day I lived with him, we slept next to each other, we slept together, we woke up kissing and cuddling. And I can't have that any more. My dance partner is gone. And I don't understand. I don't understand what problems we had that were so insurmountable. I felt normal bumps-- compromises that have to be made when a couple decides to move in together. Some of those compromises were tough, but we were working through them, or so I thought. There was no vicious fighting, no namecalling. He said that it wasn't working. I hit me like a ton of bricks, and I'm reeling. We'd just gone out dancing, had a good time. We were making plans. If it wasn't working, why did those things happen? I don't understand why I can't have the life I was offered, the life that I wanted. Why I have to start all over again.
I want an adult relationship. I want my partner to have my back and offer me compassion and to voice and work on problems as they arise. It sounds like that can't happen here. I'm dealing with separation anxiety and a fair bit of anger. I'm doing my best to express it cleanly. Mostly I just feel so, so hurt. I listened, I forgave, I tried. I was willing to keep trying, to keep finding new tools. And now that's not an option. Accepting that will take some time. I'll probably be single for awhile while I grieve. And I will find someone else-- someone who will meet more of my needs and allow me to meet theirs. It will happen. I'm attractive and smart and talented and I've got a lot of heart and a strong will. Someone will be worthy of it. It might take awhile, but I will get the relationship I want eventually. I'm just sad that I thought I was working towards it with someone I really wanted to be with, and now I have to start all over again.
My birthday is tomorrow. I don't feel much like celebrating. Two weeks ago, he promised to get my favorite ice cream. I don't think that's happening now.