Scattered thoughts.
I'm all over the place today. For one-- apology to my usual gchat buds-- I don't have as much chatting time this week in general, so it's nothing personal. I assume everybody has my cell number to call after work, and there's always email!
Haven't posted my FreeWillAstrology for the week yet, but that's because I've been saving up links on my home laptop for about a week that I think will fit perfectly. Lest anyone fear that I've lost my sense of humor in the last month of absolute seriousness, I assure you, this is not the case. I also wanna at least acknowledge the enormity of the recent BPAL Yuletide update and my thoughts on the samples of the Halloweenies I'm trying. So that's also percolating.
Payday is a good day. So far, I've paid off my bills, budgeted for necessities, and have ordered myself a shiny new cd after hearing sample tracks that sparked my dancer's imagination. I put a downpayment on my "Open" sacred heart necklace from Parrish Relics. I scouted reviews on Amazon for nonfiction/ personal growth books that have been recommended to me. So if anyone has thoughts on The Celestine Prophecy or The Illusion of Love, both of which I'll probably read in the near future, I'm glad to hear 'em. I also want to read Rob Breszny's Pronoia. I tend to read almost anything with an open mind, but that certainly doesn't mean that I swallow anything just because it got published. :) I also have to remind myself to review It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken and also the book that Ariel gave me that I've been laboring through. On top of that, I have Written on the Body, Snake Hips, and about ten kajillion other books on my waiting list.
If you're waiting on any packages from me, everything is either in the mail or will be tomorrow. I'm getting things moving.
tamnonlinear and reedrover take note: I'm also going to schedule a MakeupFu class for the second week in November. (For those curious, I have repeatedly been told that I have GirlFu with regards to makeup, jewelry, and putting together outfits when I want to.) At this point, a fair number of my friends have asked me to teach them basic cosmetics stuff-- how to do everyday makeup-- eyes, in particular. Bridget, Sarah, and Jenny all want lessons, and I know that Abby, Colleen, and a couple of others have asked as well. Also, hey-- this is totally not gender-specific, guys are welcome too, if that's your cup 'o tea. The second week of November seems the best time for this-- probably Saturday the 10th or Sunday the 11th, but I'm open to suggestion. If you're local and are interested, shoot me an email. I think I'm just going to make it a potluck, with a dish as the price of admission. :)
Weekend is shaping up nicely: Mediaeval Baebes concert with Julian, RenFest with Ariel and Abby where I hope to bump into other LJ peeps (so if you see me, hug me!), birthday stuff for Anna on Sunday. Tonight is hella busy for me, though, because in addition to the usual dance stuff, I have some counseling-related stuff to start on, and jewelry to finish. I am terribly excited about dinner tonight: last night at Trader Joe's, I bought grape tomatoes, gala apples, baby greens, and cranberry walnut gorgonzola dressing. So good and fresh and just... gnagh. Words fail. In general, though I have been doing my best to be in bed by 11:30 (I find I sleep better that way), and my heated blanket has been working wonders with that, let me tell you.
A side note? Abby brought me pumpkin ice cream. From Ohio. In good condition. And it is awesome. Like pumpkin pie filling, but cold. Really spicy. Yum.
I finally called my father back yesterday. We had not spoken in a month, since he said something to me in rather poor taste at a completely inappropriate time on my birthday, and considering I had had my absolute fill of craptastic things at that point, I blew up at him in righteous anger. I don't think I'd ever spoken to him that way before, and I think it shocked him a good bit. About two weeks ago, he sent me a text message apologizing, but I was so mired in other things that responding was not high up on my priority list. My father and I have never been particularly close, owing to a lot of uncomfortable history, and I simply did not have a sense of the ground I was standing on yet. I can sum up almost every single conversation I have had with my father in the past ten years as this:
There has always been a very palpable element of "I know virtually nothing about you; are we done yet?" in our conversations. But yesterday, we did something totally unprecedented: after the usual catching up, we talked for about 45 minutes about what had happened. My father and I? We never do that. Ever.
I talked for a little bit about counseling when he asked why I was going. Deep breath. "Because I realized that a lot of the things that happened to me growing up are negatively affecting the people I choose when entering relationships and the way that I have relationships." He wanted to know more about what that meant. I asked him what he remembered about me as a kid. He said that I spent a lot of time on my own, in my room, reading or doing things by myself. And I explained that was because I was under a lot of stress due to the situation between him and my mother, and my way of coping was to withdraw to avoid attracting more negative attention.
I explained that that has continued for me in relationships, and it means that it's harder for me to bring up problems that need to be addressed because I'm afraid of my partner giving me the same negative feedback in response that I got growing up. My mother did this a lot-- if I looked uncomfortable or upset, she'd ask what was wrong with me, and if I told her, she'd yell at me for whatever it was that was wrong. So I learned to hide things, to say nothing was wrong so I wouldn't get negative attention. I also know that I imprinted on a lot of her anger, and I didn't want to explode on my partner to create more negative attention. For a long time, silence seemed to be the best option.
That completely doesn't work in relationships. My second time around with Skyler, I would instead take some time to think and get really clear about what it was I was going to say-- essentially, do my best to take out angry reactionary things-- and then talk about it. Saying "I'm processing this, and I'll talk to you about it as soon as I'm done" also had a second benefit with Skyler-- if I was really clear on what it was I wanted to say and understood my central message and my reasoning well, then he couldn't derail me or knock me off balance by arguing tangential details, as he is so fond of doing. If there is one thing I have come to understand about Skyler's argument style, it's that if he doesn't have a leg to stand on, he'll do one of two things: deny the issue outright ("I think you're overreacting-- it was totally innocent the way she bit me and gave me a hickey!"), or he'll argue around the issue until the person he's arguing with gets turned around on themselves and gets so confused that he or she gives up. If I was clear about my message, he couldn't turn me around on myself. But at any rate, this was the tool I developed, to cope with what I had imprinted on-- that if I spoke what was bothering me, that I would receive more negative attention. Sadly, it didn't seem to help much with this particular partner, but that's a whole other ball of wax.
But I'm off topic. Back to the convo with my father. We talked, and he understood a little of what it was like for me, I think. And we were able to have an honest conversation about it. He apologized for his part, and I told him thank you. I really do think that he and my mother did what they could with the limited tools that they had. However, I know that I can do better, and so I'm developing a better toolbox than the one I had. So, overall... it was a hard conversation to have, but I'm glad we had it, and I think we understand one another a little bit better now.
And that's all that's fit to print right now, folks!
Haven't posted my FreeWillAstrology for the week yet, but that's because I've been saving up links on my home laptop for about a week that I think will fit perfectly. Lest anyone fear that I've lost my sense of humor in the last month of absolute seriousness, I assure you, this is not the case. I also wanna at least acknowledge the enormity of the recent BPAL Yuletide update and my thoughts on the samples of the Halloweenies I'm trying. So that's also percolating.
Payday is a good day. So far, I've paid off my bills, budgeted for necessities, and have ordered myself a shiny new cd after hearing sample tracks that sparked my dancer's imagination. I put a downpayment on my "Open" sacred heart necklace from Parrish Relics. I scouted reviews on Amazon for nonfiction/ personal growth books that have been recommended to me. So if anyone has thoughts on The Celestine Prophecy or The Illusion of Love, both of which I'll probably read in the near future, I'm glad to hear 'em. I also want to read Rob Breszny's Pronoia. I tend to read almost anything with an open mind, but that certainly doesn't mean that I swallow anything just because it got published. :) I also have to remind myself to review It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken and also the book that Ariel gave me that I've been laboring through. On top of that, I have Written on the Body, Snake Hips, and about ten kajillion other books on my waiting list.
If you're waiting on any packages from me, everything is either in the mail or will be tomorrow. I'm getting things moving.
tamnonlinear and reedrover take note: I'm also going to schedule a MakeupFu class for the second week in November. (For those curious, I have repeatedly been told that I have GirlFu with regards to makeup, jewelry, and putting together outfits when I want to.) At this point, a fair number of my friends have asked me to teach them basic cosmetics stuff-- how to do everyday makeup-- eyes, in particular. Bridget, Sarah, and Jenny all want lessons, and I know that Abby, Colleen, and a couple of others have asked as well. Also, hey-- this is totally not gender-specific, guys are welcome too, if that's your cup 'o tea. The second week of November seems the best time for this-- probably Saturday the 10th or Sunday the 11th, but I'm open to suggestion. If you're local and are interested, shoot me an email. I think I'm just going to make it a potluck, with a dish as the price of admission. :)Weekend is shaping up nicely: Mediaeval Baebes concert with Julian, RenFest with Ariel and Abby where I hope to bump into other LJ peeps (so if you see me, hug me!), birthday stuff for Anna on Sunday. Tonight is hella busy for me, though, because in addition to the usual dance stuff, I have some counseling-related stuff to start on, and jewelry to finish. I am terribly excited about dinner tonight: last night at Trader Joe's, I bought grape tomatoes, gala apples, baby greens, and cranberry walnut gorgonzola dressing. So good and fresh and just... gnagh. Words fail. In general, though I have been doing my best to be in bed by 11:30 (I find I sleep better that way), and my heated blanket has been working wonders with that, let me tell you.
A side note? Abby brought me pumpkin ice cream. From Ohio. In good condition. And it is awesome. Like pumpkin pie filling, but cold. Really spicy. Yum.
I finally called my father back yesterday. We had not spoken in a month, since he said something to me in rather poor taste at a completely inappropriate time on my birthday, and considering I had had my absolute fill of craptastic things at that point, I blew up at him in righteous anger. I don't think I'd ever spoken to him that way before, and I think it shocked him a good bit. About two weeks ago, he sent me a text message apologizing, but I was so mired in other things that responding was not high up on my priority list. My father and I have never been particularly close, owing to a lot of uncomfortable history, and I simply did not have a sense of the ground I was standing on yet. I can sum up almost every single conversation I have had with my father in the past ten years as this:
Me: How are you?
Him: My neck/knee/migraine hurts, my wife/ex-wife/girlfriend is a pain, I'm moving to West Virginia, the kids are fine.
Me: Okay.
Him: How are you?
Me: School/Work's okay, I've been a little sick, singing/dancing is fine, I've just been busy.
Him: Okay.
Me: We should have dinner soon.
Him: We said that last time.
Me: Yep.
Him: Aunt Linda wants you to come to Easter/Fourth of July/Thanksgiving/Christmas.
Me: Okay, I'll see what's on my calendar.
Him: Okay. Guess I'll talk to you soon.
Me: Guess so.
There has always been a very palpable element of "I know virtually nothing about you; are we done yet?" in our conversations. But yesterday, we did something totally unprecedented: after the usual catching up, we talked for about 45 minutes about what had happened. My father and I? We never do that. Ever.
I talked for a little bit about counseling when he asked why I was going. Deep breath. "Because I realized that a lot of the things that happened to me growing up are negatively affecting the people I choose when entering relationships and the way that I have relationships." He wanted to know more about what that meant. I asked him what he remembered about me as a kid. He said that I spent a lot of time on my own, in my room, reading or doing things by myself. And I explained that was because I was under a lot of stress due to the situation between him and my mother, and my way of coping was to withdraw to avoid attracting more negative attention.
I explained that that has continued for me in relationships, and it means that it's harder for me to bring up problems that need to be addressed because I'm afraid of my partner giving me the same negative feedback in response that I got growing up. My mother did this a lot-- if I looked uncomfortable or upset, she'd ask what was wrong with me, and if I told her, she'd yell at me for whatever it was that was wrong. So I learned to hide things, to say nothing was wrong so I wouldn't get negative attention. I also know that I imprinted on a lot of her anger, and I didn't want to explode on my partner to create more negative attention. For a long time, silence seemed to be the best option.
That completely doesn't work in relationships. My second time around with Skyler, I would instead take some time to think and get really clear about what it was I was going to say-- essentially, do my best to take out angry reactionary things-- and then talk about it. Saying "I'm processing this, and I'll talk to you about it as soon as I'm done" also had a second benefit with Skyler-- if I was really clear on what it was I wanted to say and understood my central message and my reasoning well, then he couldn't derail me or knock me off balance by arguing tangential details, as he is so fond of doing. If there is one thing I have come to understand about Skyler's argument style, it's that if he doesn't have a leg to stand on, he'll do one of two things: deny the issue outright ("I think you're overreacting-- it was totally innocent the way she bit me and gave me a hickey!"), or he'll argue around the issue until the person he's arguing with gets turned around on themselves and gets so confused that he or she gives up. If I was clear about my message, he couldn't turn me around on myself. But at any rate, this was the tool I developed, to cope with what I had imprinted on-- that if I spoke what was bothering me, that I would receive more negative attention. Sadly, it didn't seem to help much with this particular partner, but that's a whole other ball of wax.
But I'm off topic. Back to the convo with my father. We talked, and he understood a little of what it was like for me, I think. And we were able to have an honest conversation about it. He apologized for his part, and I told him thank you. I really do think that he and my mother did what they could with the limited tools that they had. However, I know that I can do better, and so I'm developing a better toolbox than the one I had. So, overall... it was a hard conversation to have, but I'm glad we had it, and I think we understand one another a little bit better now.
And that's all that's fit to print right now, folks!