Tag Archives: Newb

New Job Nerves

by Revis Edgewater

I started a new job on Monday. It’s a permanent job, which means I don’t have to go through a temp agency anymore. Since I’ve been going through a temp agency for over a year now, I’m used to starting up at new places. So, going to sleep Sunday night, I wasn’t thinking too much about it, but apparently, my subconscious was.

I dreamt Sunday night that Newb and I were walking into my old place of employment (which is weird in itself, as he was fired a month ago) at 1 in the afternoon (I never went in at 1 there. It was either 10 or 2:30). I went in as I always did, but, for some reason, this time everyone was looking at me with a strange expression on their faces. Finally, I ran into my supervisor, who asked me what the hell I was doing there. I asked him what he was talking about. That’s when he reminded me that I had called him on Friday to tell him that I had a new job (I actually did call him Friday to tell him that). I panicked. I ran back out to my car and took off down the interstate, and for some reason Newb was going with me (I’m still not sure what the hell that was all about). Halfway to my new job, which at this point I would’ve been over 5 hours late for, I see flashing lights in my rearview mirror. I pulled over and before the cop could walk up to my window, that’s when my alarm went off.

So far, this new job seems like it will work out for me. The work isn’t too hard, but there’s a lot of things that I’ll have to learn and that’ll take me a little time. The guys there already like me 1000 times more than the guy I’m replacing (he’s moving to California, I’m not forcing him out of his job.) Hopefully, this will work out for me and I won’t have to be job hunting any time soon.

When A Joke Is Not A Joke

by Revis Edgewater

As you might have noticed, I haven’t written a post about Newb in a while. This is because a few weeks ago, he let me borrow a few bucks and I promised not to blog about him until he did something so stupid I had to say something. Today, was that day. I have to set it up first, however.

When I first started my Newb bashing, we were working at the same station (we work at seperate ones now). Some of the computer monitors had those command hooks on them (the ones you see commercials for that say they are easy to remove from walls without damaging the paint). The work we do is kind of monotonous, so to break it up one day, I handed him one of those hooks. He asked me why. I told him that, even if he had all the money in the world, that was the only hooker he could ever get.

Today, I found another one of the hooks. This hook had a bunch of dirt on the white adhesive part. Since I was needing a break, I took it over to Newb. As I handed it to him, I said, “One of your hookers has a wiping problem. Either that, or she got really drunk and shit herself.”

He laughed as he tore most of the adhesive off. When he handed it back to me, there was a small spot of the adhesive left on it. “Great, now you left her with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of her ass,” I scolded.

He responded, “Or a tampon.”

I was unsure how to respond to such idiocy, so it took me a few seconds. “Tampons don’t go up girls’ asses,” I was finally able to say.

“I’m not a girl, so how should I know?”

“I”m not a girl either, but I knew where tampons went long before I was your age.”

“I was just joking,” he said, without much conviction.

“No, you weren’t. Jokes are funny. That was pure, uncut stupidity.”

“I was joking,” he pleaded.

“Nope. It’s going on the blog.”

Pissing off the Newb

by Revis Edgewater

At my job, we have to deal with two security guards who work second shift with us. One is the stupid old lady who thinks that I’m a devil worshipper because I listen to Avenged Sevenfold. When I first started there, the second one was a guy who had the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song as his ringtone (which always annoyed the crap out of me), so, from now on, I’ll be referring to him as Bob. Bob liked to screw with Newb as much as I did. At one point, Bob told Newb that the security guards had to pick one employee, at random, every month to give a strip search to. Bob then informed Newb that he was the one chosen and that before the day was over, he would be strip-searched. Newb bought it, and for the rest of the day, he was completely pissed off. His face was red, and if you tried to talk to him, he would always come back to how it was bullshit that he was going to get strip-searched. Eventually, Newb was told that it was a joke, but he was still pissed for the rest of the day.

About a month-and-a-half ago, Bob got a new job and he was replaced by a new girl, who I’ll call Devin (it’ll take too long to explain why I picked that name for her, so I’m not going to do it). Before Bob left, he worked with Devin for 2 or 3 days to train her. Today, as I was trying to walk out to the break room for lunch, Newb stopped me. Devin told Newb that before he left, Bob had told her that Newb and I were a gay couple. Newb was completely pissed off by this. He looked at me and asked, “Can you believe he said that about us? That’s bullshit!”

“I know,” I replied. “If I was gay, I could do a lot better than you.”

RTotD: 1/10

by Revis Edgewater

I spent all night at work thinking that I kept hearing my text message tone going off. This was not posssible for two reasons: One, I didn’t have my phone with me. Two, my service is turned off right now, so even if someone was trying to text me, I wouldn’t get it anyways. What the hell?

Something else that happened at work: I walked by this skid that had a label that said “untested unit” on it. I walked up to my supervisor and asked, “Is it bad that when I saw that sign, the first thing that popped into my head is ‘Hey, Newb has one of those.’?” He looked at me, confused. I clarified, “Newb has an untested unit.” It took him a couple more seconds, but he finally got it. I’d start making fun of him more, but I don’t want to get fired.

Pushing at the Wrong Time

by Revis Edgewater

I haven’t put any Newb stories up here in a while, but I really haven’t had to work with him all that much lately. I will tell you a story about something he did last night.

I was sitting in the break room talking to my supervisor, asking him why he had called me an asshole earlier in the day. He said that he wasn’t talking about me, he was calling Newb the asshole. Suddenly, we hear a thump at the security door, as if someone had walked into it. I looked around and noticed that Newb wasn’t around. “I bet it was Newb pushing on the door instead of pulling it,” I said.

Everyone got a chuckle out of that, but it turned into full-blown laughter when Newb emerged from the door a few seconds later. I had to gloat, “I told you so.”

The rest of the night, he was bombarded with people reminding him to pull on the door when he went to leave, instead of pushing again. It was awesome.

Freaking Out About Nothing

by Revis Edgewater

Yesterday, while I was at work, someone was talking about someone who worked in a different part of the building that had gone through a sex-change operation to turn themselves from a man into a woman. Upon hearing this, Newb starts to freak out. “That’s gross. Oh God, that’s sick!”

I looked at him, like I usually do, with a confused expression on my face. “What’s the problem with it,” I asked him. “How does it affect you in any way?”

He said I wouldn’t understand. If he says so.

Other than maybe passing this person in the hall every once in a while, he’s never going to have to deal with them. Why the huge reaction? I know that they say that people fear what they don’t understand, but, while I don’t understand why somebody would want to go through that operation, I’m not going to make a big deal out of it. If that’s what somebody wants to do, then let them do it. It’s their life. Get over it, Newb. How would you like it if somebody reacted that way to the decisions you’ve made in your life?

 

Burning The Newb Volume 3

by Revis Edgewater

Thankfully, they’ve been having Newb do other things the past few days, so I haven’t been stuck with him. Unfortunately, that means I don’t have as many burns as usual.

1. I don’t really remember what I said to provoke this, but Newb responded with the very original comeback of, “That’s what she said.” I replied, “How would you know? You’ve never been with a ‘she’.”

2. I walked into this conversation halfway through, so I don’t know what brought it on, but some chick was talking to Newb and saying something about making her boyfriend think Newb is gay. I added, “Just have him spend 2 minutes with Newb. That’ll be all the convincing he needs.”

3. Newb made a remark about the size of one of the skids we were working on (not how much freight was on it, but the actual size of the wooden pallet). I said to him, “Remember, Newb, that any piece of wood, even the tiniest splinter, looks huge compared to what you’re packing.”

4. Only those that read my blog about the texting prank of Newb will get this one. After saying #3, Newb asked how I would know such a thing. I responded, “Amy Foster told me.”