Tag Archives: life

There’s a Sulphurous Gas…

by Revis Edgewater

Tonight, we were all just sitting around in the living room. Baby J and Baby E were playing some kind of trivia game on one of their phones when the following exchange occurred.

Baby J: Name a type of pollution.

Revis: Air…water…

Mrs. Revis: The toxic fumes that come out of your sister’s ass.

The 10 year old Baby E: (laughing) Yeah, the toxic fumes coming out of my ass.

As soon as she said it, her face dropped. Her eyes were as big as they could possibly get. She tried to stop it before it came out of her mouth, but she couldn’t. Her face was as red as it could be as she braced for getting yelled at for cussing. The yelling never came, however.

Her parents were too busy laughing.

Lady Applejack

by Revis Edgewater

Lady Applejack was in the forest gathering berries to take back home. She hummed along to her favorite tune as she worked. After a few moments her humming stopped. There was a noise behind her. It was the sound of feet shuffling through the leaves. Thinking it was one of her friends, she was shocked when she turned to find an undead human coming toward her. If the human was still alive, it probably would have underestimated her. They would have been wrong. Even though her stature showed her being a halfling, her clothing marked her as a member of a fierce barbarian tribe.

Her people knew how to fight.

She raised her halfling sized greatsword and charged the undead human. Her sword came down hard and inflicted a wicked wound to the zombie. Still, its head remained atop its neck. “It’s not dead yet?” she asked.

The zombie swung and struck her. It wasn’t a hard hit, but it had done a little damage to her. With a yelp, she darted away from it and toward the closest tree. Lady Applejack jumped up to grab onto the lowest branch. She missed and tumbled to the ground. The zombie shuffled forward, determined to finish the halfling maiden off. She got to her feet and jumped again. This time, she reached the branch. Her hands gripped it strongly as she pulled herself up. Lady Applejack managed to climb up just high enough to be out of the zombie’s reach. None of the other trees were close enough for her to jump into to try to escape. Just when she thought she may be trapped there forever, a deep shout boomed from behind the zombie.

“Get away from her,” the voice warned.

Looking up, Lady Applejack saw a Dwarven priest standing there. He had both his battleaxe and teeth bared. Driven by a unending desire to kill, the zombie shambled toward someone it could reach. The dwarf didn’t give it a chance to attack. He leapt forward and buried the axe directly between its eyes. It fell onto its back with the angry dwarf landing standing up on its chest. With a grunt and a tug, he pulled his weapon free of the zombie’s skull.

“Are you ok?” the dwarf asked.

“Yes,” she replied after climbing down. “Thank you for helping me. My name is Lady Applejack.”

“I’m Rothan Hammerstrike. My fellow priests and I have been scouting the area because we heard rumors of the undead were roaming these woods.”

“That was the first I’ve seen.”

“Even so, it’s probably best if I walk you home. If you’ll permit me, that is.”

Lady Applejack agreed to walk home with Rothan. Along the way, they came upon another zombie. The dwarf readied himself to fight it, but Lady Applejack ran away. As much as he wanted to kill it, protecting the young halfling maiden was his top priority, so he chased after her. He caught up, slowed her down, and began steering her back toward her home. They saw another zombie a while later and she ran away again, forcing him to chase her down again.

“You know,” Rothan told her when he caught up to her once more, “there’s probably going to come a time when you won’t be able to run away from them.”

She shrugged and continued home. Then, as if to prove his point, when they got to her home, they found a zombie pounding on the door to get in. This time, instead of running away from it, she ran at it. Rothan followed close behind. She swung, but her balance was off and she missed to the left. The zombie tried to retaliate. Lady Applejack ducked underneath the blow. The dwarf, certain that he’d cleave the zombie in twain, was shocked when his waraxe hit nothing but air.

Just as she was about to lash out once more, Lady Applejack stopped. “I’m bored,” she said. “I don’t really want to do this anymore. Maybe we can do this again later.”

The dwarf replied, “Uhhh, I guess we can pick this up later if you want.”

The young halfling skipped away, saying strange words, something about watching some nonsense called “YouTube”.

New Job Update

by Revis Edgewater

I got my 30 day review yesterday… about a week late. Something I need to remember for my reviewer’s review.

So far, it’s going well. During my review they said they’re pleased with my performance. I’ve made a few small mistakes here and there, which is to be expected from someone who hasn’t been working there very long. Thankfully, they’re patient enough not to go ballistic about it on the few occasions I messed up. They simply brought the mistakes to my attention and gave me pointers on how to avoid making the same mistakes again.

While they’re pleased with my performance, I am satisfied with the job too. It’s certainly not the worst job I’ve ever had. The work is mostly simple. There is enough work (usually) to keep me busy all day without feeling rushed, so the days go by fairly quickly. My new coworkers are nice and mostly cool.

I’m glad I finally made the change and went with this job. Just the schedule change alone was worth it, but the fact that I’m making more money doing something that isn’t running me ragged like my last job is icing on the cake.

A New Chapter in Life

by Revis Edgewater

I am not a big fan of change. I prefer to stay in places and situations where I feel comfortable. Because of that, I will sometimes stay somewhere that I should be moving on from. There are a couple jobs I’ve had that I should have left long before I did, for various reasons, but I stuck with them just because I didn’t want to change.

Today was the start of something different for me, though. I started a new job today. I can’t say for sure whether I like it or not yet, because it’s hard to really tell much about a job based on an orientation meeting and a couple hours of training, but it will bring about some big changes for me. First, it’s more money than my last job. Second, and more importantly (to me, at least), is a much better schedule. Honestly, I would have taken my old salary someplace as long as they improved my schedule.

I don’t really have much negative to say about the last place I was working. They treated me well. The work, while sometimes hectic, really wasn’t all that hard most of the time. I just had two big problems with it. One: I clocked in at 3:30 a.m. That meant I had to wake up at 2:30 a.m. in order to get ready and make it to work on time. When you have to wake up that early for work, you have two choices. You can either go to bed early, and miss out on time with your family, or you can barely sleep. I chose the latter and barely slept.

Two: I had to work at least one day on the weekends. When they first instituted this policy, they made me work Saturdays. I finally got to the point to where I started refusing to work on Saturday and they let me come in on Sundays instead.

At my new job, I’ll be starting work at 7, Monday through Friday. Weekends off.

Hopefully, the work is as good as the schedule. If it’s not, that’ll suck, but I’ll deal with it to be able to work the days and hours that I need to.

RTOTD: 22041

by Revis Edgewater

Nothing prepares you for becoming a parent. You can talk to as many people as you want or read all the books there are about it, but none of them will come close to telling you everything you’ll have to deal with as a parent. For example, I’ve talked to a lot of people about parenting and not one of them told me that 14 and 9 year old girls would find the word “balls” hilarious.

I thought that was something that would only happen with little boys…

Unsolicited Cucumber Pic

by Revis Edgewater

Mrs. Revis and I started a garden last year. We had a few tomato plants and threw down some cucumber seeds. The cucumbers were moderately successful, but the tomatoes took off. Eventually, we had more than we could eat and we ended up giving our extras away to some of my coworkers.

This year, we tried to add green onions to the two we did last year. It didn’t go well. We only managed to get a handful of them before they were no more. “Why were they no more?” you may be asking. Well, the answer to that is simple. Our cucumber plants took over their plot from one side and the tomatoes came in from the other.

We once again have more tomatoes than we can use and a lot more cucumbers than we got last year, including this monstrosity.

Mother Nature is Mocking Me

by Revis Edgewater

I work in a grocery warehouse. When one works with groceries, it means that there’s 3 different temperature zones you have to deal with: ambient (room temperature), refrigerated, and frozen. Most of the time, I’m only in one of the cold zones for no more than a minute or two at a time. Tuesday, however, I needed to be in the refrigerator for a little more than an hour. Because this happens from time to time, I keep a jacket in my car just in case.

After doing what I needed to do in the fridge, I went to take my jacket back out to my car. It was raining when I walked outside, but not much. Not much, that is, until I stepped out from underneath the covered sidewalk in front of the building. As soon as I did, the rain began to pour. My car wasn’t very far away, but by the time I reached it I was soaked. As I was already dripping wet, I didn’t rush back to the covered part of the sidewalk. There was no point.

It was also equally pointless because as soon as I stepped foot back underneath the covered sidewalk, the rain let up, almost to the point where it stopped completely. I stood there for a second shaking my head before my supervisor came walking up to me laughing his ass off. “That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. It literally only rained hard while you were out in the parking lot.”

“Thanks. I’m glad you found it humorous. Why don’t you take that cigarette you’re smoking and shove it up your ass?”

Ok, I didn’t actually say that to him. I wanted to, but my need for employment made me hold my tongue.

And that’s not the only time. In fact, similar things happened twice today. Earlier this morning, it was raining when I went out to make a delivery, so I put on a poncho. When I got to my destination, it had stopped. I thought about taking the poncho off, but I knew the moment I did the rain would start again. So, I left it on… and the rain never came.

Not then, at least. The rain waited to come back right when I was unloading the first part of my last delivery. My poncho was sitting on the passenger seat and I’d hoped that I could get everything unloaded before I got too wet. I was wrong. I was soaked once more and, to top it all off, the rain stopped right when I started pulling away to go back to the warehouse.

I’m not sure what I did to Mother Nature to make her torment me like she is, but she needs to stop. It’s getting highly annoying.