Tag Archives: Baby E

There’s a Sulphurous Gas…

by Revis Edgewater

Tonight, we were all just sitting around in the living room. Baby J and Baby E were playing some kind of trivia game on one of their phones when the following exchange occurred.

Baby J: Name a type of pollution.

Revis: Air…water…

Mrs. Revis: The toxic fumes that come out of your sister’s ass.

The 10 year old Baby E: (laughing) Yeah, the toxic fumes coming out of my ass.

As soon as she said it, her face dropped. Her eyes were as big as they could possibly get. She tried to stop it before it came out of her mouth, but she couldn’t. Her face was as red as it could be as she braced for getting yelled at for cussing. The yelling never came, however.

Her parents were too busy laughing.

Lady Applejack

by Revis Edgewater

Lady Applejack was in the forest gathering berries to take back home. She hummed along to her favorite tune as she worked. After a few moments her humming stopped. There was a noise behind her. It was the sound of feet shuffling through the leaves. Thinking it was one of her friends, she was shocked when she turned to find an undead human coming toward her. If the human was still alive, it probably would have underestimated her. They would have been wrong. Even though her stature showed her being a halfling, her clothing marked her as a member of a fierce barbarian tribe.

Her people knew how to fight.

She raised her halfling sized greatsword and charged the undead human. Her sword came down hard and inflicted a wicked wound to the zombie. Still, its head remained atop its neck. “It’s not dead yet?” she asked.

The zombie swung and struck her. It wasn’t a hard hit, but it had done a little damage to her. With a yelp, she darted away from it and toward the closest tree. Lady Applejack jumped up to grab onto the lowest branch. She missed and tumbled to the ground. The zombie shuffled forward, determined to finish the halfling maiden off. She got to her feet and jumped again. This time, she reached the branch. Her hands gripped it strongly as she pulled herself up. Lady Applejack managed to climb up just high enough to be out of the zombie’s reach. None of the other trees were close enough for her to jump into to try to escape. Just when she thought she may be trapped there forever, a deep shout boomed from behind the zombie.

“Get away from her,” the voice warned.

Looking up, Lady Applejack saw a Dwarven priest standing there. He had both his battleaxe and teeth bared. Driven by a unending desire to kill, the zombie shambled toward someone it could reach. The dwarf didn’t give it a chance to attack. He leapt forward and buried the axe directly between its eyes. It fell onto its back with the angry dwarf landing standing up on its chest. With a grunt and a tug, he pulled his weapon free of the zombie’s skull.

“Are you ok?” the dwarf asked.

“Yes,” she replied after climbing down. “Thank you for helping me. My name is Lady Applejack.”

“I’m Rothan Hammerstrike. My fellow priests and I have been scouting the area because we heard rumors of the undead were roaming these woods.”

“That was the first I’ve seen.”

“Even so, it’s probably best if I walk you home. If you’ll permit me, that is.”

Lady Applejack agreed to walk home with Rothan. Along the way, they came upon another zombie. The dwarf readied himself to fight it, but Lady Applejack ran away. As much as he wanted to kill it, protecting the young halfling maiden was his top priority, so he chased after her. He caught up, slowed her down, and began steering her back toward her home. They saw another zombie a while later and she ran away again, forcing him to chase her down again.

“You know,” Rothan told her when he caught up to her once more, “there’s probably going to come a time when you won’t be able to run away from them.”

She shrugged and continued home. Then, as if to prove his point, when they got to her home, they found a zombie pounding on the door to get in. This time, instead of running away from it, she ran at it. Rothan followed close behind. She swung, but her balance was off and she missed to the left. The zombie tried to retaliate. Lady Applejack ducked underneath the blow. The dwarf, certain that he’d cleave the zombie in twain, was shocked when his waraxe hit nothing but air.

Just as she was about to lash out once more, Lady Applejack stopped. “I’m bored,” she said. “I don’t really want to do this anymore. Maybe we can do this again later.”

The dwarf replied, “Uhhh, I guess we can pick this up later if you want.”

The young halfling skipped away, saying strange words, something about watching some nonsense called “YouTube”.

To The Door

by Revis Edgewater

Our local school is fairly small. So small that there is no busing services for the students. In order to go to classes every day, kids either need to walk to school or have their parents drop them off. Because of this, there is a drop off lane in front of the entrance to the school. That way, parents can just pull up, open their doors, and just let their kids get out without having to leave the car.

I don’t do that, however. 

Every morning I park a couple of blocks away and walk Baby E to the door. The walk only takes us a minute or two to complete. Then I pick her up, hug her, put her back down, and watch her run inside. After that, it’s back to my car to go home and get ready for work.

As I was on my way back to my car yesterday morning, I heard someone yell, “Uncle Revis!” I turned around to see my niece running up to me. She jumped up into my arms (which was not good for my back, but I wasn’t about to complain) and hugged me. Right after I put her down, I was forgotten by her as she raced inside to be with her cousin until school started  (she’s in second grade while Baby E is in kindergarten).

I passed my sister in law on my way to my car as she sat in the drop off line. We said our hellos and then she asked me why I didn’t just drop Baby E off like that. I could’ve told her it’s because her sister wants me to do it that way (which is true). Mrs. Revis still hasn’t come to terms with our daughter being in kindergarten and is a little freaked out about the thought of just dropping her off.  There’s always at least one teacher out there  (though usually two or three), and you can watch from your car until they make it into the building, but she still worries.

I just shrugged the question off. 

I could’ve easily given the “my wife wants me to do it this way” excuse, but that’s not why I do it that way. The truth is that I want to do it that way. I want to do that little bit of walking with her. I want to spend that few minutes of extra time with her.

Every morning, when I park, as soon as she shuts the car door, her hand immediately comes up and grabs mine. She only needs to hold my hand when we’re crossing the street, but she doesn’t let go until we reach the school doors and I love every second of it. I know I need to cherish these moments now because it won’t be long until holding Daddy’s hand won’t be cool anymore. 

So, for now, I’m going to keep parking my car and enjoy having my little girl’s hand in mine until we get to the door.

It’s Happening

by Revis Edgewater

Today, Mrs. Revis and I went up to school with Baby E to meet her kindergarten teacher. She starts classes on Thursday.

My baby girl is five years old now. She’s about to start school. It seems like only a few weeks ago that we were driving her home from the hospital, going incredibly slow because we were freaking out.

Now she has her own little personality. She has friends at school already (that she went to preschool with last year). Every time she saw one tonight, they would holler each other’s name and hug each other. Her best friend from preschool last year (a little boy who loves Elvis) ended up in her class and she was so excited.

Every night, she wants me to tell her a story. Even though she’s got dozens of books, she doesn’t want me to read to her. She wants me to make one up on the spot for her. When I get done, she’ll either give me a thumbs up or thumbs down. Tonight’s story was about a butterfly who got stuck in a spider web, but was able to escape before the spider got it. She gave me the thumbs down because “it’s not real”. I told her that a butterfly could, in fact, get caught in a spider web and then she started crying because “it was real”.

Sigh….

She got her ears pierced a few weeks ago. We warned her beforehand that it would hurt when they did it, but she said she didn’t care….until they did it. Then it was a slow burn. For the first few seconds, she didn’t do anything. The tears came slowly after that, until she buried her face into a stuffed animal they let her hold and bawled uncontrollably. Unfortunately, I was at work when my wife took her to get this done. While I watched the video, I wanted to reach into the phone, pick her up, and comfort her.

She’s got glasses now, too. They noticed she wasn’t seeing everything the way she should when my wife took her in for her five-year-old checkup. When she wears them, she looks even older.

Like all parents, I’m wondering where the time has gone. She used to be a tiny little thing. Now she’s a kindergartener. She used to need me to do everything for her. Now she doesn’t want me to do anything for her. She wants to do it herself.

She’s growing up.

I don’t want it to stop. I just want it to slow down just a little.

Story Time

by Revis Edgewater

Lately, my daughter has been wanting me to make up a story for her on the spot every night when I put her into bed. Actually, she wants “two or three long, spooky stories”. I have no problem with that. I’ll normally oblige her by coming up with one before I leave the room. There are some nights, however, that it’s not easy for me. Like last night….

It wasn’t coming up with a story that I was having a problem with. It was the fact that I had to go to the bathroom when my wife decided it was time for them to go to bed. I groaned. Of course that was the perfect time for them to lay down.

I accompanied them upstairs and put Baby E into bed. I tried to walk away. She started complaining that I didn’t tell her a story. I explained that I couldn’t tell her a story because I really had to go to the bathroom. Those complaints quickly turned into whines. So, I caved in and told her a really quick story.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who wouldn’t let her daddy go to the bathroom because she wanted to hear a story. So, her daddy tickled her over and over and over until she finally said he could go. Her daddy went to the bathroom and lived happily ever after… now that he was finally allowed to poop.

She was unimpressed. I thought it was great. What do you think?

Baby E’s First Field Trip

by Revis Edgewater

Baby E started preschool this year. She only goes for a few hours a day, but it’s enough to let her socialize with children her own age. They color, play, and start to learn their numbers and letters. She was so excited to go to school. Mrs. Revis got a tad emotional about how quickly our little girl is growing up. Her preschool is attached to the actual school she will be attending next year for kindergarten, so she’ll be with the same kids as she moves up in grades (which is cool).

A week before Halloween, their class had their first field trip. They were going to a farm to pick out their own pumpkins. The farm also included a petting zoo, playground, and other kid friendly activities. My wife decreed that one of us had to go with her. I had vacation time. She didn’t. So, I had to volunteer to chaperone on this field trip.

On the signup sheet, it stated that chaperones would be responsible for their child, plus one other. While, I was looking forward to sharing this experience with my daughter, I wasn’t exactly thrilled about the “one other”. I’m pretty patient with what I call “my kids”. “My kids” include my daughter, my nieces and nephews, and my friends’ children. I have very little patience with any child that is not one of “my kids”, mainly because I shouldn’t have to deal with them if they’re not on that list.

When we got to the school that morning, it was revealed that because so many parents signed up to go on this trip, I was not being given an extra child to watch after. Woohoo!

Once everyone was accounted for, it was time to get on the bus. Because the school system of our town is independent, they don’t have money to pay for full busing services. Almost all of the kids who attend the school have to get their by either walking or getting dropped off by their parents. I drop my daughter off at school every morning before I go to work. Therefore, she had never been on a bus before. It freaked her out a little. For the first 5-10 minutes of the bus ride, she grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go. Eventually, she got used to it and let go.

When we got to the farm, they first put on a little puppet show for the kids, talking about all the animals they had there and what kinds of crops they grew. Baby E was into it. I quickly became bored. The puppet show mercifully ended and we moved onto the petting zoo. There were all kinds of animals, some you were allowed to pet and some you weren’t. There were the normal farm animals, like cows, horses, and chickens. Then they had some odd ones like llamas and a camel. Her favorite was probably the sheep because they gave the kids food that the sheep would eat right out of their hands.

After that, we loaded up onto a wagon and were pulled along on a tractor ride. This also scared her a little and I had to hold her hand most of the time. The tractor pulled us to the picnic area where we ate. The playground was right next to the picnic tables so kids immediately ate two bites of their lunches and then bolted for the slides and swings. This is also where the chaperoning thing fell apart. Even though I was technically only responsible for Baby E, I found myself watching out for a few other kids who were just running rampant without their chaperones paying any attention.

That particular nightmare didn’t end nearly quick enough for my taste. From there we caught another tractor ride back to the front of the farm where all the kids got together on big bales of hay for a class picture. It was a jumbled mess of kids not wanting to sit still, teachers trying to keep order, and parents watching the whole scene unfold through their phone’s screen.

We got back on the bus as soon as the picture fiasco was finished. By this time, Baby E was wiped out. She crawled up into my arms and fell asleep. She slept the entire way back, except for when the bus hit some bumps. Then she’d open her eyes long enough to look at me, and then she went back to sleep. Since the bus ride was only about 25 minutes, Baby E turned into Princess Crankypants when we got back to the school and I had to wake her up from her nap. I would’ve carried her to the car to avoid that, but holding her on that bus ride had seriously put some pain onto my back. Thankfully, we got to go home after that and we just hung out together for the rest of the day.

Overall, it was a great experience and I’m glad I got to share it with my daughter. But, I still told my wife that the next chaperoning gig is all hers.

My Daughter Is Trying To Get Me In Trouble

by Revis Edgewater

They say that when your child is young, you should call yourself what they’re going to call you. Therefore, instead of “I”, I’ve been calling myself “Daddy”. Sometimes when I leave the room, she will start to cry. To try to calm her down, I’ll say things like, “Daddy, will be right back. He’s got to make you a bottle.” or “Sorry, baby girl, but Daddy has to go to the bathroom.”

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