Category: Ramblings

A Place To Put This: Temporary Pain Relief 😮‍💨

Published on by J-Dub10 Comments

This is just a spill. I’m feeling everything at once.

So I walk every morning. I have to. It’s my only real exercise. It helps the pain, helps my bones—which are already not great. I do my laps like I always do.

Then at lunch I do the same routine—eat, then walk another ten minutes. It’s supposed to help my A1C, digestion, all of it. I head out, drop my lunchbox in the car, take the stairs, keep moving. Today I had extra time, and I could feel my mind trying to turn on me again. So I didn’t go back to my desk.

My sixth sense is pinging. Electric.

Near the donkey bridge, there’s a table set up. Three familiar faces—people I know—promoting CPCU. I’ve had my designation for years, used to chair the membership committee. That’s a past life. I don’t volunteer anymore.

Jason is one of them. He sits near me and teaches the classes. He sees me, expecting a hello, like maybe I’m there for him.

I’m not.

And then I see Kim.

She used to work for me—back when having a virtual team was still a novelty. Her home base is Phoenix, and I’ve always had a soft spot for that group.

I wave like crazy. “Hello dear one,” I tell her.

“You get a hug,” she says.

And just like that, we’re in the service hallway hugging. A real one. Not polite. Not quick. The kind that makes people look twice. Reunited.

And for those twenty-something seconds, I didn’t hurt.

No gut pain, no back pain, no spine twisting on me. Just… peace.

The second she let go, it all came rushing back. Immediate. Sharp. Familiar.

So now I’m wondering—do I just go around hugging people all day? Because I’m willing to test the theory.

Or maybe Kim is a sorceress.

Honestly, I like that explanation best. She has always been more than someone I worked with. We connected. We still do, even though I haven’t seen her in years.

All I know is this: for one brief, unexpected moment, something let go.

And I noticed.

As always, more to come.

Medical Mystery Tour — The Search Continues

Published on by J-Dub14 Comments

Kicking off with a tune.

Beatles

I haven’t exactly put my care aside — I’ve been seeing Brownie regularly, doing what I need to for my A1c, going to physical therapy, all of it. I’m even going to a scoliosis clinic, which has been helpful… though I’ve seen three different providers so far. Maybe that’s just part of the process — trying a few before finding the right fit.

Anyway, after getting my results on Friday, something shifted. I’m energized again, back in the mindset of getting to the bottom of this medical mystery tour.

I finally sat down and really looked at the scans last night — plural. Two of them, with and without contrast, multiple views. I just kept scrolling and scrolling.

Bottom line? Same as last year: annual scans for three years, then every other year after that. I need to know when those three years start though! 

I’ve already arranged for a second doctor to read them, just to be sure. But in the meantime… I’m still in pain. A pain that pre-dates last year’s accidental finding of the cyst. 

Ouch. Ouch. Fucking ouch.

So here’s the plan: I’m going to see a Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation (PM&R) specialist — a physiatrist, not a psychiatrist. This pain is not in my head.

A physiatrist focuses on muscles, bones, arthritis, back pain — the whole system. They look at both the physical and emotional impact, which is exactly what I need.

I’m not looking for someone to just manage the pain.

I want a real diagnostic evaluation.

Feels good to be doing something. Not just watching. A year feels like forever when you’re in it, then blink …

Thanks to anyone who’s following along. I appreciate all the support I’m getting from the most unexpected places. ❣️❣️❣️❣️

As always, more to come.

The Place to Put This

Published on by J-Dub4 Comments

The following was written because I just don’t know what to do with my health anxiety. I have listened to every Song Lyric Sunday post to this point. Today everyone brought their A game — like they do every Sunday and damn did I need it.

It is a fist
no—
a wire pulled tight through me,
twisting,
tightening, refusing to let go.

Left side low—
a knot with teeth.
That is what it is.
That is what it feels like.

And somewhere in the background of this body,
there is another kind of waiting—
a small thing on a scan,
1 cm of uncertainty
told to be watched,
to be measured again in a year,
as if time itself is part of the treatment.

My back answers it—
echo pain,
a second place where the same message lands.

I try to outrun it with breath,
but breath catches—
snags—
like fabric on a nail.

Everything narrows
to this one bright, brutal point.
No past.
No after.
Just now,
just this.

And it isn’t silence that holds it—
it’s music.
Sunday again, doing what it always does,
arriving like it was already playing before I pressed play.

Lyrics slip in without permission,
threading themselves through thought,
as if the songs know the shape of what I can’t say cleanly.

I’m not just hearing it.
I’m inside it—
inside the timing,
inside the words,
inside the strange accuracy of sound that finds me exactly where I am.

I don’t know how it does that.
I only know it does.

If I could open myself
like a window
I would throw it out—
this sharp, relentless thing—
watch it shatter on pavement
and not look back.

Instead
I sit inside it,
name it,
shape it into words and music—
because sometimes sound is the only place it loosens,
even a little.

Even this much
is something.

As always, more to come.

Friday Free For All Fiesta Edition

Published on by J-Dub3 Comments

First, I need to start off with AC/DC Hells Bells. That was the final song I heard on my walk yesterday.

Hells Bells

Second, I’m about to hit the road to ATX. A.k.a. the Capitol a.k.a. where I kicked ass and took names winning my court case. I’m picking up JBR which means I’m already more invested than CA or DC. I want to commit fully to my maybe final event.

I’m jazzed like my mama. Apple tree. Somebody stop me.

Next, look at me having fun in my MRI waiting room.

STRIC
April 15, 2026

Fiesta started yesterday 4/16 with Night in Old San Antonio. Places around here are decorated for the biggest partaay of the year.

Back in the day, we went wild. Public intoxication was not only sanctioned, it was expected. Tipsy Tow got us home for free! The beer cup collection race was a real thing. I’m still 1/2 a beer Jill btw.

Now to lamb claim. Land the plane. No I’m not intoxicated already. I can’t drink on my meds. Talk to text is messing with me.

Anyway, I posted the above picture on Jackie Earle Haley‘s Facebook page because guess what?!?! he calls San Antonio home just like me. I’m not a crazy stalker. I promise, but I do love that he lives here in the Alamo City.

Who could forget Kelly Leak or Moocher? Though I will forget the character he played in that movie with Kate Winslet because it was just sick. I need to erase it from my memory completely. But it just shows what a good actor he is with an Oscar nomination.

I would really love to meet him in person one day. You know just hanging out at Nowhere Bookshop or wherever — maybe the blogess Jenny Lawson would be there too! It’s her place after all. Then in walks Tommy Lee Jones. Ha ha ha oh my gosh.

Alrighty. Bueno bye. All my LOVE. 

As always, more to come.

P.S. As I sit here right now and write this, I have not looked in the portal. As of this moment, I haven’t heard anything either. I’m going with no news is good news or why tell me when nothing can be done. Let me have my last few moments of peace. I feel queasy with nerves 😳🤒

What a Difference a Day Makes … or a Few Hours

Published on by J-Dub7 Comments

This was my morning.

This is now: If doing so doesn’t overly stress myself, I will rewrite this week’s A2Z – Monday to Saturday. I won’t be posting two a day with links back though, but I will be commenting to myself. Like talking to myself but as long as I know it’s me ala Dave Mustaine. Sweating Bullets !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will be just fine.

The link to “I will be just fine,” above is to my 2018 #SoCS. The commentor cjensen has not been active on WP since 2020. I wonder how he is, where he is, and if he even is. He was addicted, purposefully homeless, living on the streets of Canada. We had such a deep kinship even before I knew I was 1/2 Canadian (ha! inside joke, technically true, legally not so much). And no I do NOT think he is a lost relative. The dates simply do not line up. The kinship I speak of is the organic variety. Not homegrown through blood but grown through similarities that defy explanation.

While this is I for Interview, it also means I am fucking FINE.

Okay enough blabbering, it is tune time!

Is that not the best artwork ever?!?!

Y’all know me, I always have something to say. The gloves are off, not that I want a fight, because I don’t. I just want to be heard, accepted. I want what you said about forever ….

On a completely random aside, I bought a lamp for my desk in our family room. A big ass desk that I inherited from my sonshine. I resisted making it homey because I have too much stuff. And because I could escape into my home office and be alone if I did not make the desk usable. I decided I do not want to be alone. And in the spirit of being around my people, mainly just B and me, I have been sprucing up the place. I created a nest where I can come and write my little heart out. All it took was my new lamp, with pencil/pen holder and USB port. There is also a space for cell phone, my meds and Olive the Otter. See feature image – Olive was given to me by my coworker Debbie. Her brother got some really bad news recently, their family is reeling and still she thought about me.

As always, more to come.

A Place To Put This!

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Done with work and sitting with my heating pad. I’m scrolling around because I got time to kill. I need to make better use of my time — that’s the first thing that comes to mind. But anyway, this is not about that. I see where April 10 is National Siblings Day. And I remember now in hindsight how it was started by someone who lost their brother and sister tragically in separate accidents. And the creator used her sister‘s birthday to acknowledge her grief. Now that doesn’t mean it’s the only thing I’m thinking about — like there’s lots of stuff — exciting stuff about to happen— like Artemis is landing. I mean, how freaking cool is that? Rhetorical —because I mean come on — it goes without saying that the Artemis landing is flipping cool. Alrighty well my pain is off the charts and I’m not sure exactly what that’s all about. Anyway the heating pad is tamping it down a tad. I had a really good day at work. I was busy and I got stuff done. We had been in conference during the week so it was kind of a whirling dervish. I actually went out twice at night like the old days. I love being in community with my coworkers.

This is what stream looks like folks.

Lots of good memories on FB but I only shared one. A throwback picture of Pony and Lulu. Siblings separated by 9 1/2 years yet still very lucky to have each other. And even though they leave me out of their little communications, I know they’re texting daily and it makes my heart happy. 😊 what makes me sad is that everyone doesn’t have that. B is missing Dan and I’m missing Jim. And B doesn’t even have another option like I do. Still I don’t dare go first because — well because we know why. I am back to wanting what I can’t say out loud. No one is reading my mind. No one felt what I felt. 

Three years ago on this day, a certain someone, my Papa, was trying to FB message me a picture of my three siblings, but it wouldn’t go through because I was persona non grata and blocked by the original poster. Then through an alternative source, my sister, I got the picture. We acknowledged that while ours wasn’t a traditional relationship, traditional was boring and overrated. We claimed each other. And that lasted for a hot minute. April 10, 2023 to September 18, 2023. Now some three years later, there is a passive agreement to wish each other well and to live in a parallel universe. It is actually kind of cool because it’s like having a guardian angel, who’s really alive just living in the Pacific Northwest. and the actual guardian angel, my dearly departed she sister, Angie. Who I never knew but claim all the same is for sure watching over me as we approach April 23rd which is the passing of our mama and ‘oh my gosh’ I need to freaking find David. My brother through Cathy. That’s it. I’m texting Debbie.

I don’t recall exactly how it came up during our conference, but I was specifically asked so I answered, I am the youngest of eight. I am the second youngest of 12. I am the second oldest of five (that we know of) and I’m the oldest of three. I have to add the snark because I am convinced there are more out there —floating around — waiting to somehow find us. I think I’ve always been a wannabe quant and the odds are in our favor.

If you’ve made it to the bottom of this ramble and you have any clue WTF, I’m talking about hats off to you. You earn bonus points. And if you wonder why I’ve been escaping into music, now you know. My love to the world.

As always, more to come.

PS one of the articles I read said to post a picture if you thought the relationship should be recognized. And I almost did that like I seriously almost did that but I stopped myself because I feel like I’m alone in my belief that it should be recognized.

Cover of Both Sides Now

The 11th Hour ~ Blogging from A to Z April Challenge

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A to Z starts tomorrow, and after writing 1/2 my posts, I’m veering into oncoming traffic. Not literally, of course, but it still feels like a wreck about to happen.

Adrenaline is coursing through my veins. I feel like this lil gecko most days… not that I am advertising for them or nothin’ cuz nuh uh, no way.

Still, I am the queen of comma drama. That feels good to get back to basics – my roots!

Any who, I had no theme so it’s not a big loss especially since while bleeding on the virtual page to get 13 entries in the hopper, I learned a lot about myself. Maybe as much as I learned when I drove cross country in December… almost.

Oh behave! said in my Mike Myers and Austin Powers voice over voice.

No telling how this will end but trust me it will end, one way or another. I am nothing if not consistent.

As always, more to come.

Kite Fight!

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Sometimes the smallest errand turns into a walk down memory lane.

We forgot a few things on our grocery run, so I had to go back up to the store.

The first thing I saw when I walked in was a display full of kites that definitely wasn’t there this morning. I guess it’s that time of year again. Spring things are starting to appear.

Seeing them gave me such a rush of nostalgia.

Every year, getting a new kite was a big deal. I was secretly hoping to see something retro — the bat kite with the googly eyes — because I definitely would’ve bought it. We certainly have enough room out here to fly a kite if we decided to.

Back in the old days, my parents would drive my brothers and me to the elementary school. There was a big open field where everyone would gather. We grew up in a neighborhood where the houses were pretty close together, so there really wasn’t room to fly a kite at home.

What’s a little sad is that when I drive by schools now, they’re full of portable buildings. There’s barely even a blade of grass, much less a field left for kids to have recess in.

Anyway, when I got home I mentioned the kites to B and asked if he remembered flying them.

He didn’t hesitate.

“Oh yeah,” he said. “Kite fight!”

I had forgotten all about that. Trying to dive your kite down and tangle someone else’s string. Some kids even taped razor blades to the tip of their kites.

Well… I never did that.

That was my brothers.

I was just happy if I could get mine up in the air and keep it there for more than a few minutes at a time.

Those were really good times.

I actually meant to write this earlier, but my phone rang and I got a real blast from the past. My dear friend called — the one whose 40th wedding anniversary we attended in February.

You know how you say the polite things when you’re leaving a gathering?

“We should get together sometime.”

We mean it when we say it… but life gets busy. Time slips by. And suddenly you’re old and gray.

But today we picked right back up.

We talked for an hour and a half and covered the whole gamut of life. Family, memories, everything in between. And now we actually have plans to see each other on Saturday.

Some friendships are like that. You jump right back in as if you were never apart because your souls are connected.

Funny the things you remember.

As always, more to come.

Offline and in the Garden

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Not much of a creative spark lately—more a creature of habit. But hey, habits have saved me.

These days I’m only on Facebook for my adoptee support groups, with the occasional like, share, or comment. Back in the day though, boy howdy, I was a prolific poster.

When I first slowed down, my friends flooded me with messages —“Girl, you okay? Where’d you go? I miss your mini-novellas!” Nobody asks anymore because they don’t need to. I’ve shifted toward a more personal touch these days.

The upside of cutting back? The algorithm finally caught on. Now my feed is nothing but flowers and baking. I have to work to find the stuff that used to rile me up—and honestly, who has time for that?

Still, I need an outlet. So, things might get a little off the chain here at J-Dub’s Grin and Bear It!

Without further ado—tradition continues: Our spring 2026 garden was planted! Here’s some videos.

Edie Among the Flowers
Police 🎶 Peach Trees and Tomato Plants
Peach tree
Raised bed ready for planting
Cucumber zucchini and butternut squash seeds with tomato and pepper 🌶️ plants

I have several more videos, but it’s very slow going on WordPress. I might move over to YouTube — not 100% sure yet. AnyWho cheers to getting everything done yesterday so that today we relax. Well as much as either of us can relax. 😌 Still it’s a lovely Sunday.

As always, more to come.